rainrhonda Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I use online dating because I am 40 yrs old and getting out socially just doesn't happen much. But I keep running into men that appear too clingy or needy right off the bat, before we even meet. Some jump into calling me "honey" "baby" or terms like that. Some are in a huge rush to meet and if I'm not available right away they are impatient about it. So today me and a cute guy exchange numbers to text. Right away its "Can I hug & kiss you soon?" What kind of a question is that? We had not even discussed a date yet. I replied that depends on our chemistry. So then he's pushing me to commit to a day that we can meet. Is it just me or is this the sign of a controlling, or desperate person? It makes me a bit uncomfortable, I don't know if I am over reacting there.
Ronnys93 Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Yeah, red flag. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and doesn't sit well with you is a red flag. That's not the way to go about dating anyway, sounds like someone who wants to rush into a fling. 3
Elias33 Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I use online dating because I am 40 yrs old and getting out socially just doesn't happen much. But I keep running into men that appear too clingy or needy right off the bat, before we even meet. Some jump into calling me "honey" "baby" or terms like that. Some are in a huge rush to meet and if I'm not available right away they are impatient about it. So today me and a cute guy exchange numbers to text. Right away its "Can I hug & kiss you soon?" What kind of a question is that? We had not even discussed a date yet. I replied that depends on our chemistry. So then he's pushing me to commit to a day that we can meet. Is it just me or is this the sign of a controlling, or desperate person? It makes me a bit uncomfortable, I don't know if I am over reacting there. I agree with you, it's an odd first text. Seems like you don't share the same boundaries. You're not over-reacting. I would listen to your gut feeling on this one. 1
Author rainrhonda Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 I agree with you, it's an odd first text. Seems like you don't share the same boundaries. You're not over-reacting. I would listen to your gut feeling on this one. Wasn't his very 1st text, but only a couple texts into the conversation... Might as well have been the 1st
d0nnivain Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 The honey baby stuff is annoying but not a red flag. The push to meet is a sign of OLD burnout. These poor guys have been strung along by women who want some sort of online pen pal but don't want to actually get together. This is not a red flag. Although it seems pushy if you'd rather chat a little first, it's actually a good sign. This is a person who is interested in a real relationship not a virtual one. The guy who said can I hug & kiss you soon is creepy. That is a red flag or at least a yellow one. If in response to your perfect answer about chemistry he downshifted I might give him a chance. As Ronny93 said if you are uncomfortable just don't go. 1
Titanll Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Just handle it like you would in person. He can knock it off or say bye. Not picking on you but you see the red flags and that would be enough for me. I did OLD and ran into the same thing. My default was to skip that person.
Author rainrhonda Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 The honey baby stuff is annoying but not a red flag. The push to meet is a sign of OLD burnout. These poor guys have been strung along by women who want some sort of online pen pal but don't want to actually get together. This is not a red flag. Although it seems pushy if you'd rather chat a little first, it's actually a good sign. This is a person who is interested in a real relationship not a virtual one. I get this. But the red flag is when I'm not available to meet when they want, but they keep begging and don't take no for an answer...if I say tonight doesn't work for me, I mean it. All they have to say is okay, we'll try another time but instead they keep pushing after I say no. Then they want me to announce exactly what day and time I'm free, so I usually don't end up meeting them at all,as all that begging is a huge turn off. The guy who said can I hug & kiss you soon is creepy. That is a red flag or at least a yellow one. If in response to your perfect answer about chemistry he downshifted I might give him a chance. His response was to know when we are meeting then. When?where? What time? I didn't even get around to ask him anything about himself because now he's obsessed with setting a date. I said I will get back to him on that. Because obviously, I'm not sure I want to at all.
mortensorchid Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 He sounds desperate. I've had guys ask me that in OLD chats / texts. I am creeped out by it. I did meet one of them once face to face, he was arrogant and cocky and thought he was so funny when he was repulsive to me. 1
Author rainrhonda Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 He sounds desperate. I've had guys ask me that in OLD chats / texts. I am creeped out by it. I did meet one of them once face to face, he was arrogant and cocky and thought he was so funny when he was repulsive to me. It makes me wonder if I meet him that he would be too touchy/feely right away. The more appropriate thing to say is maybe "can I meet you soon?".... But hug/kiss soon? That is a strange thing to ask a person you don't know well yet. 1
Author rainrhonda Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 His hug and kiss comment makes me think he is testing the waters to see if you are gonna be willing to have sex soon, likely right away. You should pass on this guy unless you are looking for only a fling, because that is likely what he wants to use you for. Usually a sane, stable guy who only wants sex will make that known right away...trust me lol. This kind of guy not only may want sex fast, but also something too serious too fast. These are the ones who appear to be in a mindset that we are already together before we even meet. I'm afraid this guy's behavior might be exactly that. But that might be too much to assume at this point. At the same time I'm probably not too far off.
Author rainrhonda Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 Told the guy I'd get back to him on meeting and wish I didn't say that. So now what do I do? Say I'm not interested? Say nothing? Because now he expects to hear from me again soon. Not sure how I will get out of this...lol
basil67 Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I get this. But the red flag is when I'm not available to meet when they want, but they keep begging and don't take no for an answer...if I say tonight doesn't work for me, I mean it. All they have to say is okay, we'll try another time but instead they keep pushing after I say no. Then they want me to announce exactly what day and time I'm free, so I usually don't end up meeting them at all,as all that begging is a huge turn off. I think your manners are lacking somewhat in this example. If you want to meet someone but the time they suggested doesn't work for you, it's polite to offer an alternate time and date. Him: "How about we go out for dinner tomorrow night?" You: "Sorry, I can't do tomorrow, but I could do Thursday night or Saturday lunch if that works for you" 1
greymatter Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I block anyone who messages me and says overly familiar things like that. Eww. It's not appealing, and in my opinion is way too familiar and shows very low social and emotional intelligence. 4
Author rainrhonda Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 I think your manners are lacking somewhat in this example. If you want to meet someone but the time they suggested doesn't work for you, it's polite to offer an alternate time and date. Him: "How about we go out for dinner tomorrow night?" You: "Sorry, I can't do tomorrow, but I could do Thursday night or Saturday lunch if that works for you" I have done this. Suggested a different night with one guy and he said oh come on but I'm free tonight! After I already explained that I am not. The begging kills it all. By the time they accept that I can't tonight, the idea of meeting them EVER has lost its appeal. Once I said how about Friday and he said...Friday? Why not tomorrow? Well, obviously tomorrow doesn't work or I would have said that already. One guy wanted me to leave work and go straight to his work so he could "see me". He didn't understand why I don't prefer meeting up that way. We had only been talking for about 5 minutes. It's a theme that they are always in a huge hurry and it drives me nuts.
Miss Spider Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 (edited) Guys calling chicks baby and sweetie and love bug on dating sites before even seeing you in the flesh are usually 'players' (I use that term loosely bc their game is super weak) 'Love' bombing... "I wanna kiss and hold you so much" -- red flag, they don't even know you! There's no way they're sincere and not using this schtiick on multiples women....unless they are off their nut. Either way, abort! A simple " sorry, I'm no longer interested. Best of luck" will suffice. Edited May 17, 2017 by Cookiesandough 3
Author rainrhonda Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 Guys calling chicks baby and sweetie and love bug on dating sites before even seeing you in the flesh are usually 'players' (I use that term loosely bc their game is super weak) 'Love' bombing... "I wanna kiss and hold you so much" -- red flag, they don't even know you! There's no way they're sincere and not using this schtiick on multiples women....unless they are off their nut. Either way, abort! A simple " sorry, I'm no longer interested. Best of luck" will suffice. I don't have concern about whether or not it's sincere. Lol....my concern is this the type who would never let me go out with friends? The type who needs attention 24/7? If it's a "player" kind of tactic then it's a very bad one. It's not sexy, it's creepy. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I get this. But the red flag is when I'm not available to meet when they want, but they keep begging and don't take no for an answer...if I say tonight doesn't work for me, I mean it. All they have to say is okay, we'll try another time but instead they keep pushing after I say no. Then they want me to announce exactly what day and time I'm free, so I usually don't end up meeting them at all,as all that begging is a huge turn off. The inability to take no for an answer is problematic. However, in any social situation if somebody asks me to do something on Day 1 but I'm not available, IMO basic good manners requires me to offer an alternative. If When you turn the guy down because you are busy for the date / time he suggested, if you don't offer an alternative, I can't really blame a guy for pushing (a bit) for a new date that does work for you. In that sense, it's kind of flattering that he's eager. I see it more as a pro then a con. However, sometimes people don't offer an alternative because they don't really want to go but don't want to be direct enough to say so. That can be frustrating for the asker. I am not saying you are doing this but I am trying to help you see the other person's perspective.
starrynight4321 Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Total red flag. Unfortunately, with online dating creeps are a dime a dozen. He hasn't even spoken to you and he's already talking about hugs and kisses? Don't waste your time!! 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I use online dating because I am 40 yrs old and getting out socially just doesn't happen much. But I keep running into men that appear too clingy or needy right off the bat, before we even meet. Some jump into calling me "honey" "baby" or terms like that. Some are in a huge rush to meet and if I'm not available right away they are impatient about it. So today me and a cute guy exchange numbers to text. Right away its "Can I hug & kiss you soon?" What kind of a question is that? We had not even discussed a date yet. I replied that depends on our chemistry. So then he's pushing me to commit to a day that we can meet. Is it just me or is this the sign of a controlling, or desperate person? It makes me a bit uncomfortable, I don't know if I am over reacting there. My goodness, yes, RED FLAGS. Simply ignore these types.
greymatter Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Told the guy I'd get back to him on meeting and wish I didn't say that. So now what do I do? Say I'm not interested? Say nothing? Because now he expects to hear from me again soon. Not sure how I will get out of this...lol If you don't want to go, just say "Thank you for the invite but I've decided not to meet."
Titanll Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Told the guy I'd get back to him on meeting and wish I didn't say that. So now what do I do? Say I'm not interested? Say nothing? Because now he expects to hear from me again soon. Not sure how I will get out of this...lol Just tell him that you changed your mind about meeting. Simple. If he goes on and on to the point that you want to block him, block him. I'm not sure where that post about your manners is coming from. You sound polite but you are free to be as polite or as rude as you wish, Jeez.
preraph Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Yes, controlling or desperate, or he may be a player and think that's what all women want to hear and want a guy to act. Once a guy starts asking for physical touch, you know what he's interested in, and you also know he's an asker and may not have the confidence to just do it when the time is right but has to have permission or guarantee first. You also know that even if he lacks confidence, at the same time is pushy, a LOVELY combination. If your gut is telling you this is smarmy or whatever, don't do it. It's little minutae like this that we hone in on and know something is out of kilter, and this came from centuries of survival instincts. I'm not saying he may be dangerous, but he may turn out to be a pain to deal with or get rid of.
greymatter Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I don't have concern about whether or not it's sincere. Lol....my concern is this the type who would never let me go out with friends? The type who needs attention 24/7? If it's a "player" kind of tactic then it's a very bad one. It's not sexy, it's creepy. "Let you?" No one is in charge of me, except for me. But I'm not attracted to abusive types so it's never been an issue. Have you had issues with controlling partners?
Author rainrhonda Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 "Let you?" No one is in charge of me, except for me. But I'm not attracted to abusive types so it's never been an issue. Have you had issues with controlling partners? I should rephrase. Meant he could be the type who doesn't want you going out with friends/without him. The clingy type. I have never done well with the needy/clingy type or that needs attention 24/7
Recommended Posts