alicyn Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I have started dating someone new (we are both 30-somethings) for the past 5 months and ever since we met it has been an amazing, fun, and exhilarating experience with a few hiccups. Lately I have been having more doubts about the "hiccups" in our relationship. He displays all the qualities that I am looking for in someone - intelligent, hilarious, similar interests, handsome, you get the point. He has asked to meet my parents and has even invited me to visit his sister and other relatives in the near future. He lives an hour away but we see each other every weekend and throughout the week we text and chat. Sometimes when I tell him about what is going on in my life I get short or curt responses. The other day I told him that I was running late on a project at work and that I was worried about it, but that I planned to get it done on time anyway. He just replied with "oh ok". Another example is when I told him my front door was broken and had to get it repaired. That entire week he never asked me about it again. I was pretty hurt that he didn't even care to ask. So I eventually told him that it was fixed and he just said "oh yeah I was wondering about that". When we are together or going out on a date he does ask me questions like 'how's work going' or 'how are you feeling' but as soon as we part ways it feels like he's not really giving it much thought. But I'm confused because he texts me all day and talks about random stuff and makes funny jokes, etc. But I wish he was more serious sometimes and made an sincere effort to ask about my life. I get a bit depressed when I think about it. Am I falling for someone who doesn't actually care that much or is he just self-centered and will eventually hurt me later on? He does other affectionate things for me. He gives me little gifts and sometimes cooks for me. I really love it when he does those things. I did confront him recently and said that he seemed cold towards me lately and I ended up crying because I couldn't help it. He looked extremely upset and apologized and said that it was the opposite and that he actually has very strong feelings about me, that he loves me, and that he 'worries' about me. It doesn't make a lot of sense though given some of his other actions. Is he just the type that bottles up and doesn't show his feelings? He is Eastern European so I don't know if it could be a cultural difference. But I require a certain level of attention and affection from a boyfriend. How much should I just 'let it go' because it is making me have doubts about how solid our relationship is? I have very strong feelings for him so I would like very much to make this work out.
todreaminblue Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 hey alicyn, maybe when he does the things you love.....show him how much you appreciate what he does do.....you said that he seemed upset and apologised and told you he feels for you deeply...i woudl believe him and work on showign appreciation for how he gives you affection with the little things......little things accumulate into a lifetime of big love...... how do you show him you care for him...... i also feel men can be a little.......insensitive...not for lack of sensitivity...just lack of intuition...and a die hard inbred belief that showing emotions and feelings is not manly....especially in eastern cultures...men are very stoic.........thats why men need us and our honesty....smilin.....to help them have insight to allow them to express hwo they feel and appreciate it when they do.........and understand sometimes they struggle with that showing of feelings worries ro emtions......and be understanding and forgiving.......... appraciate what he does and always let him know how much you do ....and see how that works on strengthening the bond and developing an understanding and closeness.... between you both.....best wishes...deb
Author alicyn Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 And just in case it seems like I'm overreacting.... One other detail is that I've told him that I'll be graduating from grad school in a few months. He usually just replies very cooly with "oh nice" or something along those lines. But he doesn't cheer me on or congratulate me or anything and it seems a little odd. It is worth mentioning that he didn't complete college, so could he be feeling insecure or something? I think that would be ridiculous since I would never want him to feel that way towards me. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 And just in case it seems like I'm overreacting.... One other detail is that I've told him that I'll be graduating from grad school in a few months. He usually just replies very cooly with "oh nice" or something along those lines. But he doesn't cheer me on or congratulate me or anything and it seems a little odd. It is worth mentioning that he didn't complete college, so could he be feeling insecure or something? I think that would be ridiculous since I would never want him to feel that way towards me. have you ever noticed that men say things in a few as words as possible while women can write a book.......and keep talking at least for an hour on a single subject.......i dont think you should judge him as uncaring.......maybe he was a little distracted........or he genuinely is happy and said oh thats nice......deb 2
Author alicyn Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 I agree that he is stoic and has a very reserved demeanor. In fact he is very even-keeled a lot of the time. I don't think I've ever seen him blow up in anger before. He just gets calm and quiet and processes things in a very logical way. I am trying so hard to understand his personality and to be patient. I often try to show affection towards him and also try to do nice things for him too. He usually tells me that I'm sweet, so I know that he does appreciate it. I just get confused when he goes for long stretches without getting 'excited' or animated about stuff going on in my life. I feel like he could become unattached but maybe that is just fear coming from me. 1
basil67 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 The other day I told him that I was running late on a project at work and that I was worried about it, but that I planned to get it done on time anyway. He just replied with "oh ok". Another example is when I told him my front door was broken and had to get it repaired. That entire week he never asked me about it again. I was pretty hurt that he didn't even care to ask. So I eventually told him that it was fixed and he just said "oh yeah I was wondering about that". To be fair, I don't think either of these comments warrant much of a response. If you can get your work project finished in time, then it's under control. You were quite able to get your door fixed. Neither of these issues warrant worry or concern on his part. It's great that you'll graduate soon. I suspect that his lack of response would be based more around not thinking it's a huge deal. I doubt it's an intimidation thing. If he's a generally good boyfriend, I'd let this stuff go. 3
Lorenza Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 If I got seriously sick or was upset about something major in my life and my boyfriend responded with an "oh ok" I would consider him cold and aloof. But a broken door...come on. What is he supposed to say? Give his condolences? These stuff are trivial. I'd probably also instantly forget if someone mentioned that their car oil needs changing or they were late to a meeting. Not everybody consider small stuff worth fussing over. If I want that kind of care and reaction, I tell it to my mom. Now she will ask me 10 times a day if I finally bought a nose spray for my slight cold and similar stuff 3
todreaminblue Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I agree that he is stoic and has a very reserved demeanor. In fact he is very even-keeled a lot of the time. I don't think I've ever seen him blow up in anger before. He just gets calm and quiet and processes things in a very logical way. I am trying so hard to understand his personality and to be patient. I often try to show affection towards him and also try to do nice things for him too. He usually tells me that I'm sweet, so I know that he does appreciate it. I just get confused when he goes for long stretches without getting 'excited' or animated about stuff going on in my life. I feel like he could become unattached but maybe that is just fear coming from me. maybe it is a little fear, i feel time will be your friend......getting to know his communication style and feeling more secure with him and the communication style you both adapt together...eh finds you sweet...that is a really positive verbal expression to tell you.........time can cure many issues including disappating fear........give it a little time i feel you guys are going to be peachy......and i wish you both all the best....deb 1
todreaminblue Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 If I got seriously sick or was upset about something major in my life and my boyfriend responded with an "oh ok" I would consider him cold and aloof. But a broken door...come on. What is he supposed to say? Give his condolences? These stuff are trivial. I'd probably also instantly forget if someone mentioned that their car oil needs changing or they were late to a meeting. Not everybody consider small stuff worth fussing over. If I want that kind of care and reaction, I tell it to my mom. Now she will ask me 10 times a day if I finally bought a nose spray for my slight cold and similar stuff mu mum is the same...:0)...actually so am i with my kids....i relate...lol..its the feminine way.......deb
Author alicyn Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 If I got seriously sick or was upset about something major in my life and my boyfriend responded with an "oh ok" I would consider him cold and aloof. But a broken door...come on. What is he supposed to say? Give his condolences? These stuff are trivial. I'd probably also instantly forget if someone mentioned that their car oil needs changing or they were late to a meeting. Not everybody consider small stuff worth fussing over. If I want that kind of care and reaction, I tell it to my mom. Now she will ask me 10 times a day if I finally bought a nose spray for my slight cold and similar stuff Lol it's true my mother is that way with me too. She obsesses over me and I'm 30 years old....I guess maybe I'm just used to a lot of attention and it seems weird that he doesn't do that kind of thing with me. I guess I can see how it is silly. About the door thing...I saw it more as a threat to my security and safety. So I wanted him to do the 'rescue the damsel in distress' sort of thing and offer to fix the door ! But he is not a handyman type unfortunately :-p 1
Fair Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I have started dating someone new (we are both 30-somethings) for the past 5 months and ever since we met it has been an amazing, fun, and exhilarating experience with a few hiccups. Lately I have been having more doubts about the "hiccups" in our relationship. He displays all the qualities that I am looking for in someone - intelligent, hilarious, similar interests, handsome, you get the point. He has asked to meet my parents and has even invited me to visit his sister and other relatives in the near future. He lives an hour away but we see each other every weekend and throughout the week we text and chat. Sometimes when I tell him about what is going on in my life I get short or curt responses. The other day I told him that I was running late on a project at work and that I was worried about it, but that I planned to get it done on time anyway. He just replied with "oh ok". Another example is when I told him my front door was broken and had to get it repaired. That entire week he never asked me about it again. I was pretty hurt that he didn't even care to ask. So I eventually told him that it was fixed and he just said "oh yeah I was wondering about that". When we are together or going out on a date he does ask me questions like 'how's work going' or 'how are you feeling' but as soon as we part ways it feels like he's not really giving it much thought. But I'm confused because he texts me all day and talks about random stuff and makes funny jokes, etc. But I wish he was more serious sometimes and made an sincere effort to ask about my life. I get a bit depressed when I think about it. Am I falling for someone who doesn't actually care that much or is he just self-centered and will eventually hurt me later on? He does other affectionate things for me. He gives me little gifts and sometimes cooks for me. I really love it when he does those things. I did confront him recently and said that he seemed cold towards me lately and I ended up crying because I couldn't help it. He looked extremely upset and apologized and said that it was the opposite and that he actually has very strong feelings about me, that he loves me, and that he 'worries' about me. It doesn't make a lot of sense though given some of his other actions. Is he just the type that bottles up and doesn't show his feelings? He is Eastern European so I don't know if it could be a cultural difference. But I require a certain level of attention and affection from a boyfriend. How much should I just 'let it go' because it is making me have doubts about how solid our relationship is? I have very strong feelings for him so I would like very much to make this work out. It may just be his personality type. MBTI. 1
rushed Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 You boyfriend sounds a lot like mine! I'm not one to talk very much to begin with so the few things I've told him, I would have expected more of a reaction. Like one night I told him I was terrified of starting a new class the next day. All he said back to me was, "You'll be fine." Another time I told him about something that I was having problems with and he just looked at me, then started talking about his sister's dog. So I told him that I had just brought up something that meant a lot to me, and he didn't even acknowledge it and started talking about something else. I told him that he does this a lot. I said that I listen to him when he tells me things about his life, I show interest and ask questions, and encourage him to talk. I told him that I wish he would do the same for me. He actually said that he knows he has a habit of doing that and that he would try to do better. (My boyfriend showed me the results of an autism quiz he took the other week and it showed that he might actually fall on the spectrum, which is something I've always suspected about him. This would explain his self-involvement.) I would bring it up with your guy. One of the perks of being in a relationship should be having the support of your partner. And if you don't bring it up how would he know that he's doing something that makes you unhappy?
Author alicyn Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 It may just be his personality type. MBTI. Yep, funny thing is, he is INTJ and I am INTP...so we are very similar 'thinking' types. 1
NVO Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Another example is when I told him my front door was broken and had to get it repaired. That entire week he never asked me about it again. I was pretty hurt that he didn't even care to ask. So I eventually told him that it was fixed and he just said "oh yeah I was wondering about that". I will never understand women... You're making an issue out of your broken front door? Seems to me like you have got a boyfriend who is caring, does little things for you, takes interest in you when you are together, is cooking for you and all that stuff. What exactly do you do? You complain about the fact that he gives short text answers. I can't judge because I probably don't know all the details, but it sounds like all you do is take and when you are not given enough, you act like a crybaby. Maybe you should start looking at your own actions and start wondering if he might leave you, instead of the other way around.
CptInsano Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 The OP is playing a game she can only lose, meaning that she is expecting her spouse to figure out what she wants. The front door for example: Simply tell him to get it fixed, then compliment him on his work. He will feel like a stud and the door is fixed. For the OP's work-related issues the boyfriend simply lacks context, he really cannot say a lot about it, because he just doesn't know or has even less of an opinion about it. I'm very upfront about it in my relationships, you tell me directly what you want, and if it is reasonable I will do it. I will listen to you, but please expect that I can only relate so much.
lucy_in_disguise Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 On the one hand, I do think you are making a mountain out of a molehill with the situations you describe. Nothing you have mentioned would warrant a strong response in my book. On the other hand, I think having a compatible emotional/ communication style is so important. life is primarily a series of small interactions. If you can't understand each other's reactions to the little things, it's going to be a frustrating road, no matter how you line up on the "big" items. I would definitely give it a little more time and try to be understanding of your personality differences, but at some point, if it doesn't click, it doesn't click. He may not be a bad guy but incompatible.
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