Sincerelyours Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Hello everyone - Quick backround before I go into a tirade. I'm 38 / hes 40...I have a son who is 4. Sons father not in his life. I've been dating this man for 2 years....have met ZERO of his friends....his choice. Have met ONLY his brother - because I happened to be around when he visited - not planned. He never invites me to events or parties where his friends are. He doesn't want me to go to his baseball games (co-ed mind you). He doesn't invite me to his family's cookout. When his daughter is in town (she's a teen), he cant spend any time with me bc guess what? I haven't met her either. He admits to me that his mother doesn't know who I am. Doesn't know he's seeing anyone. But my son and I love him. My son pretends that that's his dad....Why you ask, because my man is actually a really nice guy. However, this guy has taken nearly a year to call me his "girlfriend" and label us as being in a relationship....just prior to that he has said he wasn't ready for a relationship bc its been so long since he's actually been in one. And - that hes never really been with one woman....YET he's with me and says that he's not wanting to be that way anymore because he wants to live a different life. So far he's been pretty honest with me about everything but I'm wondering am I wasting my time here? I mean, not being invited to his baseball game is pretty hurtful including not being invited to hang out with him or meeting his friends....I don't think its cool but he thinks im overreacting. Its not that I don't necessarily trust him but..... Sounds a bit fishy to me... Thoughts? PS. He's looking for a female roommate... how much more does he expect me to deal with....smh
RecentChange Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Holy moly. Are you SURE he is single? Sure sounds like he is keeping you a secret huh? What does he say when you ask why you have not met his friends? Why he refuses to integrate you in to his life. And even more important, WHY do you allow, tolerate and accept this? People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. My feel, not only is he hiding you from his friends and family, but he also isn't including you in his life. It's really unfair to your young son to allow him to get attached to a man who refuses to make any sort of commitment. I do not see this ending well. 7
BaileyB Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 (edited) Also my first thought, are you sure that he is single? This would not be acceptable to me after dating for two years. I would expect to be a part of his life, and I would want him to be included in my life - to know my friends and family. I would not be very happy about the female roommate. Why, does he specify a "female" roommate? And, if he needs a roommate, have you talked about marrying and/or moving in together - after all, it's been two years? I too worry that this is not going to end well for you. This will be very sad, because you have allowed your son to get attached to a man who is not very committed to you. Best wishes. Edited May 17, 2017 by BaileyB 2
todreaminblue Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 it would concern me if i was in your situation for not onlymyself but for my child as well...honesty needs to be there a certain transparency with friendships...and if you are open and honest and have allowed him to meet your friends and fam... then its time for him to do the same if he cant...to me thats a flag...a really big one after a year....a considered deal breaker for me ....three months of exclusive dating and continuous is long enough to be considered a gf or bf.....especially in light of your son seeing him as a father figure.....this is not good in my opinion...for the child.....or for you .you arent just a single woman..you are a ready made family.......the situation is suited more to him....yes..and..it needs to be equal and open on both sides...not just yours......deb.. 1
OatsAndHall Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I would be bothered if I dated a woman for two months and she didn't invite me out to some of the events you described, much less two years. I would suggest that you have a "Comin' To Jesus" talk with him about this situation. To be blunt, I get the feeling he is hiding something huge... 4
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 But my son and I love him. My son pretends that that's his dad....Why you ask, because my man is actually a really nice guy. Ugh. How our perception of 'nice guys' can sometimes be baffling and absent of any objectivity. Your whole relationship is a RED FLAG. How have you accepted this for those years???? I would find it humiliating, but I would have been out by the end of the FIRST year and no way am I allowing my child think he is 'dad.' NO WAY. 3
preraph Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Seriously, he's looking for a female roommate? Does he have a reason for that? Is he looking for free housekeeping or free sex, because otherwise why the preference? I'm sorry your son is invested here, because this guy doesn't want his ex to know he's seeing anyone and he's also looking to find another woman. 4
mortensorchid Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Sweetheart, if something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't. You may never know what that is or is not, but if you choose to ignore it, it will always linger there. Which it is. 4
Titanll Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Oh boy. Should be hearing a lot from op here on LS. Hard to believe some of this stuff.
Author Sincerelyours Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 Thank you all for taking time to read about my situation and for being respectful with your replies. I'm trying to address you all here - believe me, the questions you all have for me I had for him. My son was two when he and I started to date. I have no relief so anytime we want to hang out I had to bring my son along. I tried to keep them apart for as long as I could but dating seemed impossible. So here we are, my son and I are dating this guy.... The issues with this guy are all red flags I know but I guess I needed reassurance without having to talk to my friends about this bc youre absolutely right, its humiliating - embarrassing to think of even allow it for so long. My guy has admitted to never being in a committed relationship before. He has always been a ladies man. And has been complacent with his bachelor lifestyle. He says he understands my concerns and wants to work on his relationship issues... So I guess long story short this so why I have stayed... Bc I'm under the impression that he is willing to work on these items. He says that he's reluctant for me to meet him parents or his daughter bc he wants to make sure this is "it"... As in not another one of his fly by night relationships... That no one has met his mother aside from an old girlfriend he used to live with for 5 years. He hasn't introduced me to his friends for that reason either and OH... because he's bad at planning and usually meets them at the last minute... And with me not having anyone to watch my son doesn't think to invite bc he knows i can't get out ....(another issue in itself) Lets see have I missed anything here....oh the roommate situation: he'd prefer a female roommate bc he feels more comfortable leaving his teenage daughter in the house while he's at work when she comes to visit. Its a short term situation but considering all thd other ish I'm being put through kinds not feeling that either. Obviously he has some serious commitment issues but he promised that he would give me all of him.... But I'm tired of waiting and I'm feeling disrespected. Thankfully my son isonly 4 and my mate is not his dad so I an confident that he/we will bouncd back. But I have learned my lesson. I am worth more and I deserve better. Thank you all for your advice. Youve saved me time and money at the therapist office 2
ExpatInItaly Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 No way do I believe this man is single. Meaning, I think you're this guy's mistresss. How often do you spend time at his house? (Sorry if you've already mentioned this and I've missed it!) 1
Author Sincerelyours Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 The running joke is that he is an unhappy married man bc the situation fits ths bill. Ive been to his housd plenty ofntimes - definitely a bachelor - no wife there. I too havd asked him if hes sure hes not married. He insist that hd just has an issue integratingvme in his life bc hes just used to being alone. I do believe he's always honest about his whereabouts...he calls and checks in often ...texts...but that xould mean something else as well....
Kamille Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 So he says he's never been in a committed relationship but had a live-in relationship with a woman for 5 years? How can those two statements hold together? 1
OatsAndHall Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 So he says he's never been in a committed relationship but had a live-in relationship with a woman for 5 years? How can those two statements hold together? It sounds to me like he didn't commit to that woman either..
ExpatInItaly Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 The running joke is that he is an unhappy married man bc the situation fits ths bill. Ive been to his housd plenty ofntimes - definitely a bachelor - no wife there. I too havd asked him if hes sure hes not married. He insist that hd just has an issue integratingvme in his life bc hes just used to being alone. I do believe he's always honest about his whereabouts...he calls and checks in often ...texts...but that xould mean something else as well.... OP, my coworker dated a guy who used to text her from his girlfriend's bathroom. And call her while he was on his way to his girlfriend's house. And sneak away while he was on holiday with his girlfriend to call my friend from the hotel lobby. I say this to emphasize that check-ins and calls mean little when you are otherwise completely in the dark about this man's private life. I think he has a regular girlfriend and you are his side piece. Do you know where he plays softball? I'd go and perform a sneaky stake-out just to see if that's where he really is and if so, who shows up to cheer him on. I would dump him regardless. I would not allow myself to be treated like any man's dirty little secret. 2
Author Sincerelyours Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 So he says he's never been in a committed relationship but had a live-in relationship with a woman for 5 years? How can those two statements hold together? That was well over 10 years ago...she was the only one he's taken seriously...no one before her and not many after her. From what he tells me he wasn't really committed to that relationship either.
Redhead14 Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 She allowed herself to be strung along for 5 years . . . it sounds to me like you're ahead of the curve Be smart, be strong and be gone. 1
Poutrew Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I dunno... back in the day, I would have acted a bit like this guy. Mysterious 2 a.m. phone calls, or dark government cars picking me up without notice and I'd be gone for days... are you sure he isn't an agent working under cover? You could be his cover story...
RecentChange Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 His excuses are silly. People bring their girlfriends to social events. Among my unmarried friends, it's pretty normal to see girlfriends come and go. Just because she comes out to a BBQ doesn't mean the rest of his friends expect him to marry her. TWO YEARS is a long time - part of dating IS intergrading that person into your life - it's a test of compatibility. Also, I feel like he should be PROUD of you, and want his friends and family to meet you. Hiding you speaks to something very different. I know I have dated guys that were sorry to say - place holders - ones that I just wasn't wild about, and knew wouldn't be around for the long haul - and yes, I didn't parade them aroused friends and family. But someone I LOVE? Someone I really cherish? Yeah I want them by my side every chance I get, and I want to show them off. Being kept a secret would never bode well for me. 2
anika99 Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 This is unacceptable. OP your "boyfriend" may not be married or have another serious girlfriend but I'm guessing you are definitely not the only woman in his life. You said yourself that he's always been a ladies man, so it's not like he's socially awkward around women. You say you think he is honest with you? Well sure he is. By agreeing to be his secret girlfriend, you save him the trouble of having to make up a bunch of lies. Either he doesn't invite you out or let you meet anyone in his life because he already has a woman in his life that all of his friends and family know or he is dating other women and he doesn't let any of his women meet his friends and family so he can avoid being caught and avoid his friends and family being put in an awkward situation. You cannot drag your son into your dating life. It's not fair to him and he will get hurt. If you are in a situation where you have nobody else to care for him and you cannot afford a sitter then you have to ask yourself if dating should be your main priority right now. If you don't have your own circle of people and you are financially strapped then you are too vulnerable to be able to make good choices in picking a partner. You say your son will bounce back but in your first post you say your son pretends this guy is his dad so obviously he is wanting a man in his life and has become attached to this player you have brought into his life. That is heartbreaking. As for the guy your seeing, he is feeding you crap. He is 40yrs old and he knows exactly what he's doing. He is keeping you seperate from his friends and family because he is hiding something and that something is most likely other women. What man wants to continually show up solo where others have brought their spouses, girlfriends and dates. As if his friends are somehow going to be devastated if they meet you and you turn out not to be the one. Give me a break. His friends and family would more likely be concerned that he never has a woman with him which makes me think they do see him with someone and that someone is not you. At the very least I would say he doesn't feel very strongly about you or see you in his future. When a man is in love and proud of his woman then he wants his people to meet her. 2
Author Sincerelyours Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 So he says he's never been in a committed relationship but had a live-in relationship with a woman for 5 years? How can those two statements hold together? *Please excuse me if I've already answered you - I feel like I have** Hi Kamille - That relationship was well over 10 year ago, and from what he says - he wasn't all that committed to that situation either. However aside from her (and me so he says), he's never really taken relationships seriously
Author Sincerelyours Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 I think he has a regular girlfriend and you are his side piece. Do you know where he plays softball? I'd go and perform a sneaky stake-out just to see if that's where he really is and if so, who shows up to cheer him on. QUOTE] If anything I think I may be his girlfriend and he may have many side pieces who aren't getting much of his either . We spend time together...and I always know where he is.....well 75% of the time ...when he's not with his family or friends He lied about where he played softball - I did a stake out and he wasn't there. Then he finally told me where the park was and he was there....no other women in the crowd but he wasn't I showed up. I was happy to have found out he had lied about where he played ball bc it gave me further indication that he's not keep it 100 with me. I like the way you think - thanks for the comments
Author Sincerelyours Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 She allowed herself to be strung along for 5 years . . . it sounds to me like you're ahead of the curve Be smart, be strong and be gone. Thanks for the support!
Author Sincerelyours Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 His excuses are silly. TWO YEARS is a long time - part of dating IS intergrading that person into your life - it's a test of compatibility. Also, I feel like he should be PROUD of you, and want his friends and family to meet you. Hiding you speaks to something very different. But someone I LOVE? Someone I really cherish? Yeah I want them by my side every chance I get, and I want to show them off. . AMEN! Believe me I have the same sentiments and have brought this up to him several times. He just cannot move forward with integrating me into his life - its so hurtful and im so sick of it. I want to share me and my sons life with someone who - feels the same! I don't want to raise my son in secret....we deserve better. I know. Thanks for your comments and advice.
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