Dumped. Having difficulty moving on.

[CidHighwind]

I had met a girl through Tinder at the end of last year and we instantly hit it off. She was intelligent, attractive, independent, matched my social abrasiveness, etc. We practically spent the next three months being two peas in a pod. I feel like I got further with her physically and emotionally within the first two months than I have with prior exes in 6-8+ months.

 

Anyway, I would say around 14 weeks or so after we've been dating she brought up her desire to not have kids and have no marriage (Not the first time, she said this during our first date too). I told her I don't care about marriage (I don't really, stood up by a previous ex years ago kinda did it in for me), and while I would like to have kids I don't see it as a requirement because ultimately I just want to be happy and she makes me happy. She didn't really believe me and referenced her 6 year relationship that had ended 2 years prior to us meeting and how she wouldn't be capable of going through that breakup again. I felt like she was trying to push me away so I questioned her on what she would truly desire out of our relationship. She said she wasn't sure. I told her that I loved her and that she makes me happy (she didn't reciprocate the love, but I didn't care).

 

Anyway, the conversation kind of concerned me at first but I kinda pushed it aside as another issue with a past complex of hers. She's brought up a few issues with me over her insecurities in which we've talked and she didn't seem to fully take my word for it until I had proven it to her; whether it be as cosmetic as playing a video game together to serious like self image. Everything was normal until the next weekend, heck even Friday night she was texting me telling me how she'd rather be on a couch with me drinking wine and resting her feet on my legs while she reads a book. Saturday and Sunday she seemed to only talk to me because she felt obligated to, was very distant -- I grew anxious because I knew something was up.

 

Monday morning at work I texted her asking what was going on. She said she had been thinking about us (I knew where this was going), and then tried to dump me over text messages. I told her that she can't dump me over texts and had her call me during lunch. We talked for about 40 minutes, she said she had been thinking about our relationship for the last few weeks, how she can't ever give me what I want, how she can't suffer the kind of heart break she had before, etc. I begged her not to do this, told her she wasn't being rational (she was on her period that weekend), and to at least give me a chance. She was crying most of the time she talked to me on the phone and I was very hurt and confused. I felt sick afterward so I took the rest of the day off, I just couldn't function.

 

I called her on Thursday to see how she was doing, maybe hoping this wasn't legitimate since she had cried the entire time she talked to me Monday; but it seemed more counter productive than anything. She was very standoffish and seemed like I was already buried in her mind. When I prodded her about at least meeting and talking things through she broke down again and stood her ground. I had ordered a fruit basket to be sent to her work the next Monday (already had done this earlier) and she texted me when she had got it the next week. She thanked me, again reaffirmed her position and hoped I could find happiness. I told her to keep my number and expressed to her hope that we could at least stay in each other's lives one way or another.

 

The last time we talked was 7 weeks ago. When she cut me loose she pretty much initiated full NC. I think if I didn't try reaching out to her the last time I would have heard from her was when she was tearing up over the phone telling me how she was dumping me. We were never friends on social media (I have no twitter and don't really use FB), so the media creeping never turned into an issue. I got rid of everything she left in my home within the first 10 days, deleted her off my google chat, erased our text history (I have saved her number and put it away). As much as I have a desire to I have not contacted her in any way, shape, or form since.

 

I've just felt lost since that day though. I had everything I wanted with her, and I still lost it. I feel like it was a mistake to tell her that I loved her, it was a mistake to question her desires. I felt the way she talked to me about it was in some hopes of starting an argument or something, I didn't know how to react. We hadn't been dating long enough to where I would even consider stuff like that, I just wanted to enjoy day to day - enjoy her. I still dream about her, I still have periodic moments of grieving where it seems like I cry uncontrollably once or twice a week. My last one was just yesterday after getting home from work. I want her back and I can't seem to let the notion go.

 

I've started doing cardio 30 minutes every day at the gym (I work out 5 times a week with some buddies so on weekdays I do 2 a days), I've improved my diet. I've tried going out a bit again but none of it seems to make any difference. I feel like if I believed I could find another good woman I wouldn't feel as clingy to this relationship but it's like I don't have any faith in that. Dating is hard, hurtful and somewhat aggravating in my experiences. I live about 30 miles outside of the city and I don't know of any venues to pick up people outside of Online Dating that don't involve smoke bars or somewhat raunchy clubs. I've already had 2 girls ghost me on OKCupid - just further reaffirming my lack of interest in OLD. And I'll be 30 next month.. I'm tired of the bar/club scenery.

 

I guess I'm looking for some input or advice on what I should be doing? Should I try contacting her again eventually? How can I just fully forget about her? Would trying a an OLD site that you have to pay for (like Match) be better than the free stuff? I feel like since it's been 2 months I'm not as desperate to just pick anyone up to fill a void, but I did enjoy having a GF/companion again. I feel like it also hurts so much because it's like our relationship was destroyed while it was still trending up. No arguments, genuinely positive vibes and fun the whole time. I just don't understand how this was even possible. I feel like she was ultimately the judge, jury, and executioner of our relationship and didn't even attempt to hint or inform me of anything until after she had already terminated it in her mind... And despite all of it, I still love her and would take her back; I don't care about what happened. I am just unsure of what to do from here.

[Knix]

I'm sorry you're going through this, breakups are HARD. But it's called a 'breakup' because the relationship is broken, something wasn't right and she made the call.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She is standing her ground because it's ultimately what she wants, you can't try to control the situation and there's not much you can do. The only person you can control is you. She didn't break up with you because she was on her period... she broke up with you because she had been thinking about it for some time, whether she let you in on it or not.

 

 

I think you may have some control issues. Telling her she can't break up with you via text, sending her fruit baskets even though she wants no contact.. This is just an observation from an outside perspective and I think you should reread what you wrote and see what I'm talking about.

 

 

It's great that you're working out and eating right, great first steps in the healing process. If this is still really upsetting you I would suggest seeing a therapist. Especially with the control issues I was talking about, you might want to work through some things, and forgive her and yourself so you can move on.

 

 

Good luck

[Saltlife07]

I think you reacted how most of us would. You're hurt because you feel you weren't given a fighting chance. As cliche as it sounds, you should still stay no contact. Eventually when the dust settles, us women realize when we made a mistake and at some point whether now or later, we will always come back, even for a simple hey. Its so hard, trust me, I know, but she is also feeling guilty of treating you (a good guy), unfairly. Im damaged from my ex, and probably always will be, but we come to our senses sooner or later. Just try to stay busy, try to put your phone away and not google stuff about break-ups and as each day passes, you will become stronger. Just stay no contact. Maybe 6 months from now, shoot her a text to see how she is. Women are like men, the more men push, the more we pull away. Same goes for men, the more women push, the more men pull away. Best of luck!

[Titanll]

You got dumped, OP. It sucks, I suppose.

 

Yep, she gets to totally decide if she wants to dump you.

 

Nope, A paying site isn't going to guarantee a successful relationship.

 

I have no idea why people have trouble moving on. One, I don't mind being alone. Two, I have enough pride, self esteem, etc. not to get hung up on someone that doesn't want to be with me.

 

I'm not much for sugar coating things. I would want someone to tell me it's over if I wasn't doing it for them. I would respect them and honestly wish them happiness.

[CidHighwind]

Thank you for the responses. I've had two multi-year relationships fail that didn't even wreck me like this, but I had lurked the site for a bit and felt compelled to post about my situation.

 

Just to clarify she never specified NC. I simply stated that from what has transpired she probably never planned on speaking to me again. The reason I tried contacting her (and the fruit basket was already ordered but yes, I could have canceled it) was because she was in tears the whole time we talked. To me I thought she was uncertain of her decision and more fearful of what-ifs, and I wasn't just gonna throw my hands up and say "Well, bye". Also, we talked on the phone every day, and probably saw each other 3-4x a week. So no, I don't think it was wrong to say a simple text message breakup was cool when we hardly communicated through texts. Ultimately I won't disagree with the control issues though since I'm having difficulty moving on from it.

 

Also yes, I would like to have her back if that is a possibility. As much as I want to contact her I haven't just because I figure the chances of it being counter productive are much higher than being productive.. So I will definitely stay NC then. And I don't mind being alone, I've spent 8 out of the 12 years of my adult life alone. But I'm a big enough person to know a genuinely good individual when I see one, and don't just flip a switch off when stuff happens.

[Bromeo]

I think you reacted how most of us would. You're hurt because you feel you weren't given a fighting chance. As cliche as it sounds, you should still stay no contact. Eventually when the dust settles, us women realize when we made a mistake and at some point whether now or later, we will always come back, even for a simple hey. Its so hard, trust me, I know, but she is also feeling guilty of treating you (a good guy), unfairly. Im damaged from my ex, and probably always will be, but we come to our senses sooner or later. Just try to stay busy, try to put your phone away and not google stuff about break-ups and as each day passes, you will become stronger. Just stay no contact. Maybe 6 months from now, shoot her a text to see how she is. Women are like men, the more men push, the more we pull away. Same goes for men, the more women push, the more men pull away. Best of luck!

 

This is a very sweet post. However I will respectfully disagree. By thinking this way, you will suffer indefinitely. Hope prolongs pain.

 

In accordance with the referenced post, mine sent me emails after a month. Meant nothing, except more pain. Read my thread, or jamilis, or Markys, or the 100s of others who respond to immature crumbs.

 

Self respect says, this person made the decision that your relationship was no longer worth their effort. Fighting a bit is fine, you are letting the ex know you care. Then walk away and never look back.

 

Please do not shoot her a text after 1,3, or 6 months. Doing so will reset your healing. Please remember this person dumped you.

 

It hurts like hell. Find your own inner peace. Let people come and go as they please, don't chase, and seek happiness within. The right people will stay.

 

Just thoughts on the path.

[penelopeanne]

Self respect says, this person made the decision that your relationship was no longer worth their effort. Fighting a bit is fine, you are letting the ex know you care. Then walk away and never look back.

 

Please do not shoot her a text after 1,3, or 6 months. Doing so will reset your healing. Please remember this person dumped you.

 

It hurts like hell. Find your own inner peace. Let people come and go as they please, don't chase, and seek happiness within. The right people will stay.

 

Just thoughts on the path.

 

 

wow i really needed to hear this and wonder if it can get copied into my thread.

or something along those lines. for me there hasnt been contact except some crumbs on social media.

i struggle with hopes of validation. my self worth is low.

great advice, hope it helps all reading and needing it.

[Marc878]

If you chase they move farther away. Always.

 

No one ever gets this but it is what it is I guess.

[CidHighwind]

wow i really needed to hear this and wonder if it can get copied into my thread.

or something along those lines. for me there hasnt been contact except some crumbs on social media.

i struggle with hopes of validation. my self worth is low.

great advice, hope it helps all reading and needing it.

 

Yeah, hope for reconciliation seems to be what causes the most pain. Maybe I am fortunate in some ways that mine decided to completely disappear. It just sucks that everything seemed to be wonderful and then it completely fell apart in a matter of days.

 

And I agree with the above post, which is why I have made no effort to talk to her since a week after she dumped me. If I thought it would bring her back to me I would.. But it won't. It just sucks is all.