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He ended things after 6 weeks. He kept the door open. Truth or not interested?

turningpoint

By turningpoint
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turningpoint Member

turningpoint

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I've been casually dating a guy over the last 6 weeks. Our last date was yesterday and he unfortunately ended things. To give some background he did come out of a 4 year relationship a few months ago. I was worried about being a rebound so we both were taking it slow. The weekend before we got sexual for the first time. Things were good and he said afterwards how he wished he had met me later cause he felt he had too much baggage to deal with.

 

Fast forward to our date yesterday and all seemed good. He was a bit distant during the week. His replies were very fast but he wasn't volunteering as much information but I figured he was pulling back a bit. I got a bit worried and gave him an out saying we could meet another day, but he said he was happy to meet me that day.

conversation and nothing seemed weird at all.

 

We talked for hours and all seemed to be good (we were having a great do something next weekend or the weekend afterwards. He basically told me he really likes me but can't keep seeing me cause he's not ready. He said he knows he was unfair and mislead me by saying he's over it, but he realizes he's not. He also said we cannot continue being friends because he does have romantic feelings for me and doesn't want to ruin things between us by staying friends while sorting out his feelings. He also knows if we keep hanging out, he'll always view it as a date because he has strong romantic and sexual feelings and can't backpedal and see me as just a friend. He also told me that he'd be really upset if I met someone and started dating them while we continued talking and being friends. And he knows it's not right to be territorial over me, so he'd prefer we just not talk or see each other.

 

Then he said when/if he's ready to move forward with me, he'll be in touch and he wishes he can tell me when that can be... like if it'll be in two weeks, a month, a couple of months but he doesn't want to leave me hanging like that and doesn't think giving me a timeline is fair. He said he needs time to properly get over it and really values what we had and that he felt like I'm the only woman he's connected with like this and trusted right away. So he said he will get in touch when he's over it and if we are both available. It was sad but I said goodbye.

 

I feel he handled it really maturely but does this sound normal? Part of me hopes it's true and he really felt a strong connection and will be in touch, but another part of me wonders if he's just not interested and was trying to be as nice as possible. Regardless, I'll be moving on. Just curious what you think.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
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I think he's being honest with you. If he's fairly fresh out of a long-term relationship, he likely really isn't as ready as he'd hoped to start dating. Perhaps being intimate with you stirred up some conflicting feelings for him and he knew it wasn't right to keep dating under those circumstances.

 

Also, I feel he's doing the right thing by not trying to be friends. It would be too painful for you, honestly.

 

Kudos to him for not stringing you along. You may in fact hear from him again, but I would continue moving forward regardless.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Yes, I agree with Expat. He was being straight up. Sometimes a person "thinks" they're ready to move on from a broken relationship when, in fact, they really aren't.

 

If you like him enough, give him the time/space he's asked for but don't put yourself on hold. Keep dating others and stay focused on YOU. If he reaches out and you find you are still interested, go out with him again. But, hit the reset button. I mean, don't just pick up where you left off with him. Don't jump into bed just because you'd been intimate in the past. You would need to observe him carefully to determine if he's actually "serious"/ready to move forward with you. He needs to prove to you that all this wasn't BS.

 

Frankly, I don't like that he made this decision right after you two had been intimate. That's a bell-ringer for me. Yes, you did wait a little while, but sometimes guys are patient and will wait to get what they want. But, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Don't reach out to him now for any reason. I don't care how anxious you get. You are not waiting for him. If this guy takes, say, a month and that's being generous, and then reaches out to you, I wouldn't respond.

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Erik30 Established Member

Erik30

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I think it's normal, and at least he was honest. A lot of people would probably just ghost in that same situation.

 

Move on and date over guys. Maybe he'll call you some day, but don't wait for him. (Cause it also might never happen)

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turningpoint Member

turningpoint

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Thanks for your replies. Yes, I agree. I wasn't happy about the timing, considering we slept together on the prior date but I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I was the second girl he's ever been so it's possible it was a little too much. Yeah I'm not waiting around for him. I hope he will come around cause I did really feel we had something really special, but I will keep moving forward too.

anduina Established Member

anduina

Posted
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It does sound like he's being truthful but it also sounds like he's omitted something. What might help to illuminate, would be why his last relationship ended and who was the dumper.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Whether he was honest or not, the fact is he doesn't want to see you anymore. You can take that "maybe later" with a grain of salt. You are best to forget about him and look for someone else.

 

*a lot of the time people will leave that door open just to pacify you, to avoid any backlash.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I think it was just something people say to cushion the blow. He had enough integrity to make a clean break not leave you wondering why he ghosted but don't expect him back.

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Titanll Established Member

Titanll

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Oh yeah, he kept the door open alright. When he's made a few rounds and finds nothing better, he will be back.

 

"I wish I had met you later after I get my **** together" what a load of crap!

 

Did you notice the implication that he doesn't want you to see anyone else?

 

Normally I am rather neutral when I read these posts but you would have to be blind to not see this guy's garbage.

 

Do what you want OP. I suggest moving on. If he returns and you two get together, let us know how it goes.

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Not buying this for a sec. Funny how he came to this realization after sex. If he had romantic feelings for you, he wouldn't cut you loose.

 

Also, doesn't want you now, but thinks he might later. He wants to keep his options open in the meantime. Doesn't sound like a safe bet. Id pack up and ship out.

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turningpoint Member

turningpoint

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No worries all. I'm definitely moving on. I have no issue finding dates so that isn't an issue. I was more just curious if what he seemed seemed honest or not, but yeah moving forward is the only option I have.

 

Reasons he dumped his ex: emotional abuse. (not his words, but the best way for me to paraphrase it)

 

Personally, if he is being honest, I understand completely. He has a lot of insecurities from his last relationship that were pretty obvious. He talks himself down a lot. We met on a dating site and he stopped logging on ages ago. We are friends on Facebook as well. and yeah he might be going on other dates, but so am I, so it doesn't really matter. We both mutually agreed to keep it open and take it slow.

 

But someone earlier said to hit the reset button if he came back. There were lots of things I was understanding about due to the situation. If he does come back, there would be a reset, we'd have to go back to dating and I'd prefer the pace to not be as slow and he'd have to prove he wanted something serious. Either way, I'm assuming he won't come back. I'd like him to and I did feel he was quite genuine and did have feelings for me too (I don't connect easily with guys, like rarely, so I feel very confident knowing we both felt a very strong connection to each other), but time will tell. Either way, I'll be moving forward regardless.

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starrynight4321 Member

starrynight4321

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I'm not buying this. When HE'S ready to move forward, HE'LL be in touch??? What are you? A contractor? I appreciate that he had the nerve to at least tell you it's not going to continue, but how "hurt" and "not ready," is this guy that he was magically able to not be "hurt" or "not ready" enough that he slept with you the previous weekend? Come on. No way. This guy will almost certainly be back in the future, it's a sure thing. But honestly, you need to continue to date and meet other people. You are not a back burner 2nd option!

 

Even if he's being honest, this sets a really bad precedent - if he's ever unsure or not feeling it, he can dump you and then come back when HE feels like it. Is that really the precedent you want to set? I'm speaking from personal experience as someone who has been in almost the same situation, and it's NOT fun. I know you really like him, but this is about what YOU want and what YOU deserve. And trust me, you deserve better than sitting around waiting for him to possibly return at some point in the future, the wishy-washy behavior, and the indecisiveness. You will always feel unsure in the relationship. Even if he does come back and you go through all the motions, the likelihood of this guy working out is very low. You cannot build something with someone who dates you and then bails, only to come crawling back.

 

Look for someone who wants you now, and wants to continue dating you now.

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turningpoint Member

turningpoint

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I'm not buying this. When HE'S ready to move forward, HE'LL be in touch??? What are you? A contractor? I appreciate that he had the nerve to at least tell you it's not going to continue, but how "hurt" and "not ready," is this guy that he was magically able to not be "hurt" or "not ready" enough that he slept with you the previous weekend? Come on. No way. This guy will almost certainly be back in the future, it's a sure thing. But honestly, you need to continue to date and meet other people. You are not a back burner 2nd option!

 

Even if he's being honest, this sets a really bad precedent - if he's ever unsure or not feeling it, he can dump you and then come back when HE feels like it. Is that really the precedent you want to set? I'm speaking from personal experience as someone who has been in almost the same situation, and it's NOT fun. I know you really like him, but this is about what YOU want and what YOU deserve. And trust me, you deserve better than sitting around waiting for him to possibly return at some point in the future, the wishy-washy behavior, and the indecisiveness. You will always feel unsure in the relationship. Even if he does come back and you go through all the motions, the likelihood of this guy working out is very low. You cannot build something with someone who dates you and then bails, only to come crawling back.

 

Look for someone who wants you now, and wants to continue dating you now.

 

I love this response. You are right. I'll continue dating. Already have a date lined up for Friday so I'm keeping myself in the dating game.

 

I'll leave this guy to fate haha, but you are right, his indecisiveness is not a good sign. I've dated a couple of wishy washy guys and you are right, complete waste of time. And often those guys want you once you move on anyway.

 

But yeah best case scenario is I find someone who wants to make it work with me now. Thanks for this! I needed to read that :)

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
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Only time will tell, but I believe he was give you a bunch of caca. I echo what someone else said, he dumped you after the sex. AFTER your sexual encounter he spent the following days thinking up a nice "mature" sounding explanation as to why he couldn't continue seeing you. His interest level dropped considerably after the sex.

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BryanSmiley Established Member

BryanSmiley

Posted
Posted (edited)
I'm not buying this. When HE'S ready to move forward, HE'LL be in touch??? What are you? A contractor? I appreciate that he had the nerve to at least tell you it's not going to continue, but how "hurt" and "not ready," is this guy that he was magically able to not be "hurt" or "not ready" enough that he slept with you the previous weekend? Come on. No way. This guy will almost certainly be back in the future, it's a sure thing. But honestly, you need to continue to date and meet other people. You are not a back burner 2nd option!

 

Even if he's being honest, this sets a really bad precedent - if he's ever unsure or not feeling it, he can dump you and then come back when HE feels like it. Is that really the precedent you want to set? I'm speaking from personal experience as someone who has been in almost the same situation, and it's NOT fun. I know you really like him, but this is about what YOU want and what YOU deserve. And trust me, you deserve better than sitting around waiting for him to possibly return at some point in the future, the wishy-washy behavior, and the indecisiveness. You will always feel unsure in the relationship. Even if he does come back and you go through all the motions, the likelihood of this guy working out is very low. You cannot build something with someone who dates you and then bails, only to come crawling back.

 

Look for someone who wants you now, and wants to continue dating you now.

 

There’s no definitive right or wrong and you have a few different takes here. I agree with some of the earlier posts that yes he may not be ready and be giving you most of the truth. However, most at best. They’ll be more to it, it’s just how much more.

 

So he may just not quite be keen enough, which as much as it pains to accept – is a possibility since he’s willing to risk losing you and jeapordising any future.

 

But then, some people are confused, or willing to let things go and regret it later. But it certainly is a point well made here and as-well I can speak from experience, that it’s a bad precedent. Corey Wayne recommends guys to leave the door open when dumped and go NC, and says it can often lead to reconciliation. But I agree – you can say it’s emotionally strong but there’s an un-deniable element that – you are also letting someone mistreat, drop you, and pick you up when they want and get you back with some effort. That’s not strong, then there’s always a greater possibility of similar happening again so you won’t feel as secure/stable as with someone whom won’t risk dropping you.

Edited by BryanSmiley
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turningpoint Member

turningpoint

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There’s no definitive right or wrong and you have a few different takes here. I agree with some of the earlier posts that yes he may not be ready and be giving you most of the truth. However, most at best. They’ll be more to it, it’s just how much more.

 

So he may just not quite be keen enough, which as much as it pains to accept – is a possibility since he’s willing to risk losing you and jeapordising any future.

 

But then, some people are confused, or willing to let things go and regret it later. But it certainly is a point well made here and as-well I can speak from experience, that it’s a bad precedent. Corey Wayne recommends guys to leave the door open when dumped and go NC, and says it can often lead to reconciliation. But I agree – you can say it’s emotionally strong but there’s an un-deniable element that – you are also letting someone mistreat, drop you, and pick you up when they want and get you back with some effort. That’s not strong, then there’s always a greater possibility of similar happening again so you won’t feel as secure/stable as with someone whom won’t risk dropping you.

 

Thanks all. You have me convinced. For my own mental sanity (and because I'm an optimist) I will assume he told me the truth, or mostly the truth. However, I will also assume I won't hear from him or accept the fact that we may not be a good match after all.

 

If he truly liked me and valued what we had, I'm sure I'll hear from him and I'm sure he'd be willing to do what it takes to show he's serious this time. Anything less than that, and no chance. But for now, I'm going to be a realist and assume it's essentially over. Gotta keep moving on. I've dated enough incompatible guys to know that I'm just wasting my time by living in "what could have been".

 

Love this forum. More reliable than my feelings which can often be very nonobjective concerning romance.

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