UncleBill Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Hi all, Not sure how this is going to come out of me so here goes. It's probably going to be long. At the moment, I'm very alone, and sad. Thursday last week my wife left me and took our 3 kids with her. They are ages 12, 11 and 9. I'm struggling with coping with the sudden void left in my life. My wife and I started dating when we not long left high school and have been together ever since, married for 16 years. I'm the kind of guy that is a family oriented guy so never really went out and made other male friends, my life was spent with Karen and the kids. In my younger years I was so easy going, never one to stress about things. My wife is a stresser and would always get annoyed that I never got stressed. My stresses started when we bought a house together, and at the same time my wife fell pregnant with our first child, and at the same time I suffered a serious back injury that left me unable to work in a manual labor job any longer. I had to rehab and spent about a year out of work on workers compensation. We lost the house we bought. Since then we have been renting as the housing market moved on whilst I worked and rebuilt my income. I transitioned from manual labor work, to now working for a Government Department that handles social security payments. Unfortunately due to taking quite a few years to rebuild my income, we had to rely on credit cards to keep things going and unfortunately at the time of our separation we have a 11k credit card debt, and a 16k personal loan unsecured. The stresses just kept piling on me. This caused our relationship to become strained over time to the point where we have now split. Though she left, I think this is a mutual decision. We are not exactly split permanently, but more looking at it like a 6 month break from living together, then see how we feel. Full disclosure, I have anger issues I believe from all this stress I've carried and am carrying with me. Not domestic violence, but occasionally losing control and being a very angry person. She says this is the reason she left as our kids should not have to see that (I agree) and she shouldn't either (again, I agree). I've recently completed an anger management course and am working on it. As I said even though she left it was coming at some point I believe from one of us. She has her own relationship issues that I cope with, and sje refuses to address or even consider an issue. The current stance is that I need to sort my **** out before she will consider coming back, but she does not acknowledge she has anything to work on herself. That makes it very hard. So here I am, sitting alone in a 4 bedroom house where there would normally by a wife and three kids to talk to and be with. So far I've been upbeat about it, having never lived alone I think it will be interesting doing so, discovering more about me, the who I am etc. I've been planning my budget and separating accounts and payments, sorting how I am going to survive on my income, which thankfully is enough that I won't exactly be struggling, but not well off. That has kept me busy. I've completed the majority of that work now, and I guess my brain is now more idle, and noticing more the loneliness. The silence. The void in my life. I expect to go back to work on Thursday, which will be good to keep me busy. Full disclosure: Suicidal thoughts do creep in, but I am keeping them at bay. No planning to do anything, just when down the most, getting the feeling of not continuing. Is the length of time feeling so lonely, proportional to the length of time married? Because 20 years of being with a partner could mean a long stint of loneliness.
mg101 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 This may be the best thing. Right now take it as an opportunity to better yourself. Consider seeking therapy.. Ask your wife if she's willing to go to marriage counseling as well. Maybe after you begin your own therapy. Also have you considered antidepressants? You're going through a tough time, it may be something that would help you along with the therapy. I know you miss your family but make this time about you... not convincing your wife of her issues which I'm sure she has. Most of us do. Spend time with friends and other family members. Keep busy, don't hole up in the house. And don't over think the what ifs. You may or not reconcile but the truth is if you do the above, your reaction either way may be much different from the perspective you have now.
Author UncleBill Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 (edited) I suggested marriage counseling to her but got a flat no. I am scared to take antidepressants as I guess I have always been against taking a drug to make you feel better and to deal with issues myself. Working great isn't it lol. I'm just wary of taking them I guess. Maybe they would help. Do I just go to my doc and say hey, give me some anti D's please? I started out in the days following the separation thinking along those lines, that given I have never lived by myself ever, it would be a good chance to focus on me, learn more about what I am about. I do worry though that taking that path might lead me away from my family and reconciliation. I guess if that is the result, then it is probably the right result for me. I am addressing the friends issue though, I've taken up a new sport and hopeful of making some friends through that. If not friends I speak to on the phone, but maybe friends I can chat with briefly online, and generally friends through playing the sport. I miss the kids the most. No more uncomplicated love than the love you get from your kids. RE: Friends/family. Part of the issue is I don't have any friends. The reason being that I have been so focused on my family (wife and kids) that I never pursued them. I am kind of a shy person generally and don't make friends easily. Family wise I have my mother who cares, but isn't the best listener so unloading on her doesn't really give me that "weight lifted" feeling I am looking for. Thanks for the advice. Edited May 16, 2017 by UncleBill
mg101 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I suggested marriage counseling to her but got a flat no. I am scared to take antidepressants as I guess I have always been against taking a drug to make you feel better and to deal with issues myself. Working great isn't it lol. I'm just wary of taking them I guess. Maybe they would help. Do I just go to my doc and say hey, give me some anti D's please? I started out in the days following the separation thinking along those lines, that given I have never lived by myself ever, it would be a good chance to focus on me, learn more about what I am about. I do worry though that taking that path might lead me away from my family and reconciliation. I guess if that is the result, then it is probably the right result for me. I am addressing the friends issue though, I've taken up a new sport and hopeful of making some friends through that. If not friends I speak to on the phone, but maybe friends I can chat with briefly online, and generally friends through playing the sport. I miss the kids the most. No more uncomplicated love than the love you get from your kids. RE: Friends/family. Part of the issue is I don't have any friends. The reason being that I have been so focused on my family (wife and kids) that I never pursued them. I am kind of a shy person generally and don't make friends easily. Family wise I have my mother who cares, but isn't the best listener so unloading on her doesn't really give me that "weight lifted" feeling I am looking for. Thanks for the advice. Good stuff on the sports! Exercise is good, plus it's social. Yes, you can go to your primary dr and ask for them. I've tried Zoloft n lexapro before. I had side effects on zoloft and lexapro was easier to adjust to, but everyone is difft. My brother in law is ion wellbutrin with good results. Discuss with your doc. Get a referral for therapy too. I hope you're getting visitation wht the kids. I'm sure you miss them still but having happier parents is the best thing. You don't need to unload on your mom but just being around family is good. Unload on the therapist! Lol Take it one day at a time. If your wife refuses therapy that's her choice. Doesn't stop you from improving yourself for your kids and for yourself!
preraph Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I'm sorry this has all built up on you. There is a way out, but you have to get busy making it happen. First of all, you should probably file bankruptcy for the debt. If you were young and your back wasn't messed up, I'd say get a second job instead. Or have your wife work if she isn't already and especially if the kids are nearly grown. First step would be to talk to her about how she'd feel about bankruptcy. Second step is talk to a bankruptcy attorney and see if it sounds feasible or not. Second, I know losing your career and your health are self-esteem killers. Been there. There now. You have to learn to survive though. But now it's all piled on at once, coming to a head. So you have to deal with it one thing at a time. You need to take an anger-management course because it will teach you where all that rage is coming from and it's usually fear-based. So the quicker you start dealing with the finances, the better. Obviously, you need to downsize your home -- I mean 4 bedrooms is basically a mansion, and you can't afford it. My neighbors next door, have 4 kids, husband and wife, and they're in a 1300 square foot ranch, and the ones before them were the same size family. You can't live high on the hog these days. Cost of living is too high and every kid is a financial hardship anew. So get out of that house asap, talk to the landlord, or sublease if it's legal on your contract. If it's just you, get in a maybe two bedroom small starter home so if a kid comes to visit there's a bed for them (bunks or twins). Start dealing with it on all fronts and maybe your wife will come back or maybe not. But if she can't understand the need for downsizing or her working too, she's not a very willing partner. But the rage has to stop. So get help for that. Anger management is a course often recommended by the courts. Good luck.
Author UncleBill Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 mg101 - I am getting visitation. We have agreed to them staying every second weekend. Plus I will hopefully be getting to see them mid week of an afternoon or something. My wife and I are amicable, it hasn't turned bitter yet at least. I don't envisage that it will really. It's the kind of split where we both still love each other, but can't live together. I will consider the anti D's if my outlook doesn't improve. I'll give it some time. This only happened 6 days ago. preraph - Bankruptcy isn't an option I am considering tbh. Nor is moving from this house. I am going to be having three kids staying with me every second weekend and probably a week on school holidays. Plus, I would like to keep this home so when they stay here, they it is a familiar place for them and can go some way to helping them deal with this situation, still getting to stay in their old rooms, same backyard toys trampoline etc. It's a little thing but I believe it will help them cope. Monetary wise I am ok, I will need to return to work full time and per fortnight once I return full time I will have about $300 clear after my expenses. So I'm not exactly facing a crisis. I have just completed an anger management course a few weeks back. So am working on that side of things with further reading, self reflection etc. Trying to work out what I want, who I am, what underlying issues are causing it. Anger is the surface emotion for hurt is what we were taught. My job loss and back injury were 13 years ago now. Since then I have been working back up in a new career and am now at a place where I am ok financially. My back is permanently damaged but it is manageable. My wife is looking for jobs now, she needs to in order to be able to rent a place herself and look after her stuff. Prior to us having kids she was a financial parra planner so she is very smart. She hasn't worked in 12 years now though as we had her permanently at home being a full time mum, to the detriment of our financial position. Thanks for the advice both of you. All advice appreciated and gives me thoughts and opinions I may not have considered.
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