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My heart hurts

TaintedLuv

By TaintedLuv
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TaintedLuv Established Member

TaintedLuv

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I'm getting so tired of dating. It's always one guy after the next. Always making promises and as soon as I start liking them- bam! Total 180. After everything I've been through, I wonder how I even go on but yet I do.

 

As of late, I'm noticing a pattern. I meet someone online, they're going on and on about how they want a serious relationship and this and that. Always texting or calling until we meet and then it stops or becomes very inconsistent. I'm starting to feel like a fool believing anything anyone says these days.

 

It's starting to really affect me emotionally. It's not like I'm falling in love but I don't know. The disappointments are starting to really take a toll on me. Why do men pursue so hard and then fall back? Maybe my expectations are too high.

 

If someone says they're going to do something or they're a certain way, why shouldn't I believe them? I feel like I shouldn't anymore but wouldn't that make me jaded right from the start? I'm so tired....I just want to be happy.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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As of late, I'm noticing a pattern. I meet someone online, they're going on and on about how they want a serious relationship and this and that. Always texting or calling until we meet and then it stops or becomes very inconsistent.

 

 

 

How long do you text and talk before you meet the first time?

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TaintedLuv Established Member

TaintedLuv

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How long do you text and talk before you meet the first time?

 

Depends. I try not to drag things out more than a week or so. Most recent one was a month. Basically texting most of the day/night.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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Posted
Depends. I try not to drag things out more than a week or so. Most recent one was a month. Basically texting most of the day/night.

 

A week at most is best. Longer and you have more time to hear bullcrap.

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Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

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I'm so tired....I just want to be happy.

 

You're betting on the wrong horse. Before venturing into the dating world, happiness should already be your default mode. You're going out with guys expecting that it will all turn out well and they will rescue you from your misery and of course your disappointment is great when that doesn't happen.

 

But that's a wrong approach. You should only date when you are in state of "if this works - great! If it doesn't - oh well, it's not bad to be on my own". Otherwise you're betting all your money on those men and your expectations are way too high - don't think people cannot sense this kind of desperation.

 

Banal words, but true - happiness comes from within. You need to be able to enjoy being on your own before looking for a partner. That's what I believe. Nobody wants to be responsible for someone's happiness and nobody wants a woman who needs rescuing from her current life.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Posted
As of late, I'm noticing a pattern. I meet someone online, they're going on and on about how they want a serious relationship and this and that. Always texting or calling until we meet and then it stops or becomes very inconsistent. I'm starting to feel like a fool believing anything anyone says these days.

 

OK, this pattern comes down to you not understanding a relationship basic.

 

When a person says they are looking for a serious relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean they want one with you. What it means is that they want to meet you and see if you have potential to be that serious relationship. If they don't see potential, they will move on and keep dating others.

 

If they move on, it doesn't mean they were lying. Nor were they trying to deceive you. They have simply found that you're not the right one.

 

All that said, if a person makes any promises to a partner before they've been with them for a substantial amount of time, that promise must be taken with a grain of salt. Or even a handful of salt.

 

Oh, and if a person promises that they will never hurt you? That's just rubbish. Nobody can make that kind of promise because we can't control the feelings the person we are with. And even the most well meaning person can make a mistake and hurt their partner.

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Chilli Established Member

Chilli

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Yep , Basil's .

 

and do yourself a favor to l reckon and just step back for awhile , forget the bs and take some you time.

Good luck

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mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

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Take a break and be alone for a while. Then your head might become clearer and you will know what you want or dont want in a guy and how to catch the BS from afar.

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TaintedLuv Established Member

TaintedLuv

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I think some people mistook my frustration for desperation. I'm in no way desperate to find a man. In fact, I'm not even actively looking for one. But if someone approaches me and I'm interested, of course I will give it a shot. But if a man is actively telling me he wants me and this and that, how am I to differentiate the future fakers and bs artists from the serious ones? It's just becoming really disheartening and it's making me sad.

mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

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Take it as slow as possible and that too with a pinch of salt. If they are in for real, they will stay consistent or start game playing.

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Bigmess2 Established Member

Bigmess2

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I feel like I could've written this post. I feel you 100%. It's definitely disheartening when there just seem to be so much false hope out there. When things are going well they should just continue to go well. People are so quick to sabatoge something and it's so hurtful. Glad to know I'm not alone.

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Titanll Established Member

Titanll

Posted
Posted
I'm getting so tired of dating. It's always one guy after the next. Always making promises and as soon as I start liking them- bam! Total 180. After everything I've been through, I wonder how I even go on but yet I do.

 

As of late, I'm noticing a pattern. I meet someone online, they're going on and on about how they want a serious relationship and this and that. Always texting or calling until we meet and then it stops or becomes very inconsistent. I'm starting to feel like a fool believing anything anyone says these days.

 

It's starting to really affect me emotionally. It's not like I'm falling in love but I don't know. The disappointments are starting to really take a toll on me. Why do men pursue so hard and then fall back? Maybe my expectations are too high.

 

If someone says they're going to do something or they're a certain way, why shouldn't I believe them? I feel like I shouldn't anymore but wouldn't that make me jaded right from the start? I'm so tired....I just want to be happy.

 

So, what you are saying is that once you meet in person, the guys aren't interested any longer. Hmmm...don't know what the problem could be.

Kamille Established Member

Kamille

Posted
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Depends. I try not to drag things out more than a week or so. Most recent one was a month. Basically texting most of the day/night.

 

My opinion? Try texting less. Texting before meeting creates a false sense of intimacy. Not only that but it takes away from the pleasure of getting to know a hottie in person. Plus, humour is much easier to do on a date.

 

 

 

Texting that much before meeting puts a lot of pressure on the date. Plus, not texting all day and night gives you both room to breathe.

 

 

Bottom line: dating is much more fun than texting.

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Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
Posted (edited)
I'm getting so tired of dating. It's always one guy after the next. Always making promises and as soon as I start liking them- bam! Total 180. After everything I've been through, I wonder how I even go on but yet I do.

 

As of late, I'm noticing a pattern. I meet someone online, they're going on and on about how they want a serious relationship and this and that. Always texting or calling until we meet and then it stops or becomes very inconsistent. I'm starting to feel like a fool believing anything anyone says these days.

 

It's starting to really affect me emotionally. It's not like I'm falling in love but I don't know. The disappointments are starting to really take a toll on me. Why do men pursue so hard and then fall back? Maybe my expectations are too high.

 

If someone says they're going to do something or they're a certain way, why shouldn't I believe them? I feel like I shouldn't anymore but wouldn't that make me jaded right from the start? I'm so tired....I just want to be happy.

 

I am sorry for your pain OP, but you may find dating to be a less rough ride if you make a point of not taking what someone says too seriously, at least until *after* you have known them *in person* for some time. And beware of someone who comes on too strong early on, especially if you haven't even met yet. These situations almost always seem to burn out fast--there are a gazillion threads on here for evidence.

 

Meanwhile, I am getting the impression that you are instead doing the opposite--getting emotionally invested from what these guys are telling you before you have even met yet.

 

[bTW, I do agree w @d0nnivain that someone is not necessarily lying by saying before you meet that he wants a relationship and then deciding not to pursue things. Dating is all about seeing whether someone is right for you BEFORE making a commitment.]

Edited by Imajerk17
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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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I agree with the others who said it's time to take a break from dating. Get offline. You might be surprised and meet the guy you are supposed to be with in person.

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9089 Member

9089

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I can totally see myself here in your post, other then that I'm a man. It happened to me so many times I lost count. Eventually you'll feel like whatever effort you put into meeting new people it's not going to work out. I think that's what the problem is these days with the majority of people, they love the chase but not the prize. People always want what they can't have and that's maybe why things are going the way they are with you...

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anduina Established Member

anduina

Posted
Posted
As of late, I'm noticing a pattern. I meet someone online, they're going on and on about how they want a serious relationship and this and that. Always texting or calling until we meet and then it stops or becomes very inconsistent. I'm starting to feel like a fool believing anything anyone says these days.
How often has this happened?
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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Posted
But if someone approaches me and I'm interested, of course I will give it a shot. But if a man is actively telling me he wants me and this and that, how am I to differentiate the future fakers and bs artists from the serious ones?

 

Need some examples in order to answer your question. Please include what they said and how long they'd been dating you when they said it. Tell us if their actions matched their words.

 

A few years ago, you ended a five year relationship with a MM who said he loved you but wouldn't leave his wife for you. He even had his first child with her. Sweetie, this is a PERFECT EXAMPLE of BS and future faking. In this case, it was blindingly obvious but you threw logic out the window. If he was serious, his actions would have matched his words. You must always keep your logic in place when dating.

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TaintedLuv Established Member

TaintedLuv

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How often has this happened?

 

Most recently, maybe two or three times. The rest don't warrant noting but I've dated a lot in the last year or two. Nothing every materializes.

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TaintedLuv Established Member

TaintedLuv

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Need some examples in order to answer your question. Please include what they said and how long they'd been dating you when they said it. Tell us if their actions matched their words.

 

A few years ago, you ended a five year relationship with a MM who said he loved you but wouldn't leave his wife for you. He even had his first child with her. Sweetie, this is a PERFECT EXAMPLE of BS and future faking. In this case, it was blindingly obvious but you threw logic out the window. If he was serious, his actions would have matched his words. You must always keep your logic in place when dating.

 

Usually it's about a month or two. Usually, I stop bothering because they're saying they're interested but their actions don't add up. For example, very delayed text responses or making plans last minute or disappearing for a day or two but they'll sit there telling me they're interested and aren't going anywhere or with anyone else or I'm all theirs.

viatori patuit Established Member

viatori patuit

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Posted

Well, when I was dating regularly I would have said the same thing - I am totally down for a serious relationship.

 

The problem for me was this - I need three levels of attraction to make it work.

 

1. We had to intellectually compatible.

2. We had to be emotionally compatible.

3. I had to be physically attracted.

 

Lots of people I dated had two of the three. Without all three, I was destined to end the relationship.

 

I had lots of dates go awry. Sometimes that was half the fun- I knew once we met the date was going to be a train wreck but I stayed for the finale anyway. I remember one girl who told me in casual conversation she had two felony meth convictions. I about died.

 

Maybe instead of expectations you should just try and have fun?

 

Good luck.

alicyn Member

alicyn

Posted
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I think some people mistook my frustration for desperation. I'm in no way desperate to find a man. In fact, I'm not even actively looking for one. But if someone approaches me and I'm interested, of course I will give it a shot. But if a man is actively telling me he wants me and this and that, how am I to differentiate the future fakers and bs artists from the serious ones? It's just becoming really disheartening and it's making me sad.

 

The fact that you are not actively looking for a man might be part of the problem. You could take a break from dating altogether and throw the baby out with the bathwater like others have suggested, but I say, keep trying and don't give up!

 

Instead of waiting for men to land on your doorstep, actively pursue men (i.e online dating, clubs, singles events etc). I don't mean ask them out or approach them first, you can still let them make the first move, but actively looking for a date is going to get you a whole lot more chances to find someone than just sitting around wishing.

 

This way, you will take on the mindset of screening each man that you go out with, instead of HIM screening YOU. Once you turn the tables you will feel a lot more confident and more in control of what type of man you are looking for. When you can do that, the chances will be a lot higher that you will find someone that respects you and wants to pursue you.

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CoolJoe Established Member

CoolJoe

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How recent and accurate are the photos you use on your dating profile?

 

I've dated many girls who were "suddenly" 20-40 pounds heavier in real life. Their pics were clearly 3+ years old. It always turned me off. Not that I don't like dating overweight girls (a majority of my exes have been overweight to varying extents), it's the deception I can't stand.

 

Also, just because you describe yourself as best as you can online, doesn't automatically mean someone else will see you that way in real life. It's a numbers game and you should always keep in mind the wrong guys make it so that you get closer to finding the right guy.

OnlyHonesty Established Member

OnlyHonesty

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If more people put as much effort into the relationship they had with themselves, as the ones they sought externally, everyone would be much happier.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Usually it's about a month or two. Usually, I stop bothering because they're saying they're interested but their actions don't add up. For example, very delayed text responses or making plans last minute or disappearing for a day or two but they'll sit there telling me they're interested and aren't going anywhere or with anyone else or I'm all theirs.

 

It sounds like you're picking up on the BS correctly and dumping them in a most appropriate way.

 

The only thing I have to add is that if you have to ask a guy if he's still interested, the answer is no. Don't bother asking - just dump them and save yourself a month of questioning.

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