Watermelon Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Sorry I even have to ASK this question but I'm a young looking and feeling 39 and have only been in three long term relationships (one was a marriage), each was about seven years long- basically my whole adult life. I've been a serial monogamist. Anytime a guy said "I love you", I felt obligated to stay with him forever, or until I couldn't take it anymore. Now, I'm trying to find the "one", and don't even know how to go about it. I've learned the hard way about real creeps and all of those warning signs, and just had the lovely experience of being strung along as someone's back up plan for a month. So, I'm pretty sure you want to increasingly get to know and like one another over a period of time, but how long is reasonable until you would start to expect things to start getting serious? How long is a normal amount of time to get to know someone before having sex these days? If you have found the person you love, about how many did you have to meet first?
Bastile Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 "Normal", like life, is whatever you make it. It depends where you are at with regards to understanding sexual relationships. Only three long-term relationships in your life is going to leave you in a very naive state for dealing with this scene lol. People create all sorts of dating rules. Which might help you as would training wheels on a bicycle. But, I would urge you to only view them as such. When people cling to rules they often do so out of fear. Fear based boundaries are ultimately harmful. Much like someone with OCD that comes up with rituals in order to try and create some sense of order in their universe. So yeah. Read up on some girly dating stuff. Use your past experiences (reflection) as your guide for which stuff makes some sense, and that you find some veracity in. Then apply some of it. Have a more experimental (less pressurized) nature about it all. Eventually cast off the training wheels once you better understand yourself and others. But, understand that the whole thing is a process. Are you going to travel to merely get from A to B? Or are you going to make an effort to enjoy the journey and learn loads?
Ami1uwant Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 It depends.... How often fo you see each other??? 1 time a werk takes longer than 3 times a week. At your age it will be harder to find relationships. It will take longer than how it was when you were younger. Do you have kids??? In your late 30s the guys around the same age as you will skew to shooting for someone 29-34.
joseb Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 If you are not looking to have kids then you should take your time and enjoy being single for the first time in your life, and date plenty of people, and cool off on the search for the "one". 1
Chilli Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Yep , l'd chill out for awhile , have some you time out until someone really special comes along and the rest will take care of itself.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I agree with others. The NORMAL is different for every individual. I have OLDed for about 5-years on and off and the vast majority of my experience has been positive. Positive in that nothing crazy has happened. Not everyone you meet are going to be nice, but my experience is, among women, that a real relationship is sought after. My age range has been 37-50. One of the most important contributors to a more positive experience is to be objective about dating. If you are desperate about finding someone or getting attached, you are bound to make many more mistakes or overlook factors that should have been clear warnings or concerns. If you go in confident that you have the characteristics that someone would want, that you complement and not take away, AND not in a rush, dating is so much easier. I have been solidly single for the last 2-years and other than a sporadic yearning here or there, I am very happy with being single. It helps that I have two beautiful, young kids I am happily responsible for as they make my life, on a daily basis, eventful. I am making a transition to a new location that will be better for my family and currently communicating with 2 ladies OLD. I will decide with whom to make first plans when I get up there, but I am not at all anxious. I simply do not see nor will I allow dating to be a burden. Eyes WIDE open and relaxed.
Redhead14 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 What seems to be "normal" these days is being in the other person's head, trying to figure out how to be what that person wants, being anxious about not hearing from the other person for one day or for a couple of hours between texts, projecting from past hurts and experiences, not living in the moment, overthinking everything, not knowing how to establish and enforce boundaries, not communicating effectively, no patience and falling apart if a two week old dating scenario doesn't progress . . . ad infinitum. 1
GunslingerRoland Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Given your situation and your dating history, I would suggest trying really hard to spend a year single. Like you said, you've never been single for any period in your adult life and you clearly need to break yourself out of the pattern you are in. Sex is a tricky thing. Have sex too soon, and it's hard to weed out a guy that is looking for just that, but keep it off the table and people will move on, I mean you are dating to find a lover not a friend after all.
jjgitties Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I am not in the dating scene but I do hear about it from other single friends. I get the impression that being honest with people and treating them as you would like to be treated seems to easily get dismissed. People very easily justify their actions. But it's hard to tell, is the reason they are single because they aren't honest with people or are they just doing what they have been conditioned to do in the new world of dating. I don't know. re; Sex. I would guess it depends. I think a woman were to have sex on the 1st or 2nd date, I would assume she has had sex with other men on the 1st or 2nd date. I mind not consider her as a potential for a long term relationship. Just my 2 cents.
SevenCity Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I think sex is pretty common on the 2nd or 3rd date. It's mostly the 3rd or 4th for me. What's uncommon is sex seems to happen before serious feelings are present. It seems to mean a lot less at my age (45). I remember back in my 20s sex usually was a precursor to a RL. My frustration as a guy is having chicks turn from normal to crazy in a months time. I pick up on signals very well but people put their best foot forward at first and can only keep the facade up for about a month. Make your own rules. Don't do anything you are not comfortable doing and wait for a RL that feels right. Women don't seem to have it any easier. The biggest complaint is guys only want sex. Don't tell a guy what you want as he will say the same thing to get laid. Instead, look at his actions to see his intent. I've never made any promises to women but I was looking for a RL - often they ended up not being the one I wanted it with.
Titanll Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 What seems to be "normal" these days is being in the other person's head, trying to figure out how to be what that person wants, being anxious about not hearing from the other person for one day or for a couple of hours between texts, projecting from past hurts and experiences, not living in the moment, overthinking everything, not knowing how to establish and enforce boundaries, not communicating effectively, no patience and falling apart if a two week old dating scenario doesn't progress . . . ad infinitum. I tell you the truth...if I wasn't in a relationship, I would consider marrying you for this post alone! I sometimes feel so alone on this forum... 1
salparadise Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Now, I'm trying to find the "one", and don't even know how to go about it. [...] If you have found the person you love, about how many did you have to meet first? Ah, you'll be happy to know that some of the best mathematical minds in academic world have arrived at the perfect solution to this very question! Isn't that reassuring? It's Optimal Stopping Theory, also know as The Secretary Problem, marriage problem, the sultan's dowry problem, and the fussy suitor problem. Here's a Washington Post Article that presents it in a simplified manner for those interested in optimizing the mate selection process. You're welcome 1
Titanll Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Ah, you'll be happy to know that some of the best mathematical minds in academic world have arrived at the perfect solution to this very question! Isn't that reassuring? It's Optimal Stopping Theory, also know as The Secretary Problem, marriage problem, the sultan's dowry problem, and the fussy suitor problem. Here's a Washington Post Article that presents it in a simplified manner for those interested in optimizing the mate selection process. You're welcome Where was this info when I needed it...
selinaluv Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 What seems to be "normal" these days is being in the other person's head, trying to figure out how to be what that person wants, being anxious about not hearing from the other person for one day or for a couple of hours between texts, projecting from past hurts and experiences, not living in the moment, overthinking everything, not knowing how to establish and enforce boundaries, not communicating effectively, no patience and falling apart if a two week old dating scenario doesn't progress . . . ad infinitum. I think people have always been like this. This is nothing new, just the mediums and methods are different. 1
SevenCity Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I think people have always been like this. This is nothing new, just the mediums and methods are different. Perhaps, but technology has exasperated the issue. 25 years ago all we had were land lines and could not stay in constant communication like you can through text nowadays. Society as a whole wants instant gratification. This has been reflected in relationship communication habits. Most couples are in text communication throughout the day.
jjgitties Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Perhaps, but technology has exasperated the issue. 25 years ago all we had were land lines and could not stay in constant communication like you can through text nowadays. Society as a whole wants instant gratification. This has been reflected in relationship communication habits. Most couples are in text communication throughout the day. Yeah. I think you are right. And it's freaking me out a little bit. There is no fuggin way I am going to be texting and following someone on social media all day long. I am not dating but I am preparing myself mentally for the inevitability. Don't people go out to social things and meet people that way anymore?
SevenCity Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Yeah. I think you are right. And it's freaking me out a little bit. There is no fuggin way I am going to be texting and following someone on social media all day long. I am not dating but I am preparing myself mentally for the inevitability. Don't people go out to social things and meet people that way anymore? The smart ones do But, including myself in the dumb group, I don't get out as much and have no single friends. I live in the suburbs and most of the available single women I find attractive are not local. When I worked in the city I had access to many more options so now I'm pretty much 100% online. In 9 months I found two locally that I actually wanted to ask out. I'm not into social media but have found texting daily is part of the norm. I don't think guys want it as much as women though.
cominghome Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 (edited) Normal... hmm... what I've noticed. Texting: - Necessary. Doesn't matter if you don't like it. It's happening. - Learn to text-flirt. Very important. - Don't expect conversations to continue. 4-5 exchanges and stop. Most women want a full length conversation in text. Men don't. - Text as much as the other person is, don't over or under text too much. - Use texting as an in-betweener of seeing each other in person. - Notice how much the other person likes to text. Some people like to text 1-2 times a day, some 5 times a day. Everybody is different. Adapt. Rules don't apply here. - I only like to check-in 1-2 a day, max, with people who are frequent texters. I've dated people who don't like texting unless it's to make plans, so we'd go 3-4 days of no contact, until the day of our date. That's totally normal too. Dating: - Frequency... I personally like once a week. Twice a week, is too much for me, I wouldn't have time for other things in my life. In the beginning, I wouldn't do more than twice a week. Don't throw yourself into it, maintain perspective. - Multi-date. Don't just date one person casually at a time. It's easier to have perspective on the situation if you're seeing more than one person. So long as you're not exclusive, assume that the other person is too. - People are nervous. I've noticed that men, no matter how ridiculously confident and balanced, are always nervous on the first few dates. It can be subtle, but I always notice it, there are tell-tale markers. - At the end of the date, you should always be able to tell if that person likes you. If not, then you haven't been listening and paying attention to the date, possibly been more focused on your own nerves. Best to listen to music or chatting with friends who relax you if you're prone to nervousness. Sex: - Again, depends entirely on you. I've slept with someone a week after meeting them, but having spent the entire week with them (7 days) prior to that, and chatting for weeks before that. At the same time, I've also dated someone, for 2-3 months before sex, in those relationships, I saw them once a week. - Honestly, do what you want to do. Just know that if you're a woman, you'll be chemically induced into a state of liking him more and ignoring incompatibilities after sex, whereas, he will see things with more clarity after sex. Commitment: - If you're a woman, then honestly, the man in your life will be asking you for exclusivity. You don't have to guess how many dates it takes to be serious. You will know when they ask. - Do not under any circumstances mistake someone's intense interest in you or their lust for you as an indication of commitment. They may even talk about commitment... in general terms around you and indicate that they want it with you. Please remember that all of that doesn't matter. Only take them seriously if they specifically ask you to be exclusive with them. Edited May 18, 2017 by cominghome 1
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