Bigmess2 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Met a man online 2 weeks ago. We hit it off right away. He told me he's not just looking for a hook up, he doesn't want to rush into anything but essentially he's looking to settle down and have a family with the right person. He expressed how he's a man of faith and how that's important to him. He's seriously the whole package from what I could tell in 2 short weeks. For the passed 2 weeks we have talked all day everyday through text and phone calls. He even asked me if he was texting me too much that's how much he was initiating contact but I told him no and to text me whenever he felt like it! We got physical the last 2 times I saw him (the last time was completely his doing, I suggested we do something else but he insisted). he brought up about how he's a man of faith and that this isn't something he does and that he's feeling badly for it. I agreed that we could take things slower and he agreed too. When I got home that night he texted me saying he had a nice night with me and enjoyed talking to me and hoped I wasn't worried. The following day he suggested we get dinner on Saturday night. Then about 3 hours passed and BAM the rug was ripped from under me. He told me that he was freaking out. That he felt we were moving way too fast and that we should cool off and take a step back. I told him that I had no problem doing that and wouldn't mind if we left the physical aspect off so we could get to know each other better. Then he asked that we cancel dinner Saturday so I was bummed about that... All day Saturday was the first day we hadn't spoken in the 2 weeks. I went to the zoo with my friend to get out of the house and posted pictures. He texted me on Sunday commenting on how nice the pictures were. It was a very short conversation but I was glad he reached out. Then today I texted. Again, a short conversation but nice to talk to him. I just feel like idk what move to make or why he suddenly freaked out. He had always expressed how much he was really liking me and how I'm completely his type and spoke of things we could do together. He even invited me to his friends wedding at the end of June. I'm just not really sure what to do. I want to give him his space but I don't want to just drop off the face of the earth either. I'm just so confused. Things were going so well. Not forced or anything, just happy! Now I'm lost
basil67 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Met a man online 2 weeks ago. We hit it off right away. He told me he's not just looking for a hook up, he doesn't want to rush into anything but essentially he's looking to settle down and have a family with the right person. He expressed how he's a man of faith and how that's important to him. He's seriously the whole package from what I could tell in 2 short weeks. For the passed 2 weeks we have talked all day everyday through text and phone calls. He even asked me if he was texting me too much that's how much he was initiating contact but I told him no and to text me whenever he felt like it! We got physical the last 2 times I saw him (the last time was completely his doing, I suggested we do something else but he insisted). he brought up about how he's a man of faith and that this isn't something he does and that he's feeling badly for it. I agreed that we could take things slower and he agreed too. When I got home that night he texted me saying he had a nice night with me and enjoyed talking to me and hoped I wasn't worried. The following day he suggested we get dinner on Saturday night. Then about 3 hours passed and BAM the rug was ripped from under me. He told me that he was freaking out. That he felt we were moving way too fast and that we should cool off and take a step back. I told him that I had no problem doing that and wouldn't mind if we left the physical aspect off so we could get to know each other better. Then he asked that we cancel dinner Saturday so I was bummed about that... All day Saturday was the first day we hadn't spoken in the 2 weeks. I went to the zoo with my friend to get out of the house and posted pictures. He texted me on Sunday commenting on how nice the pictures were. It was a very short conversation but I was glad he reached out. Then today I texted. Again, a short conversation but nice to talk to him. I just feel like idk what move to make or why he suddenly freaked out. He had always expressed how much he was really liking me and how I'm completely his type and spoke of things we could do together. He even invited me to his friends wedding at the end of June. I'm just not really sure what to do. I want to give him his space but I don't want to just drop off the face of the earth either. I'm just so confused. Things were going so well. Not forced or anything, just happy! Now I'm lost First things first: the part I bolded - am I right in my understanding that you were wanting to do something other than sex but he insisted on sex? If so, that's an enormous red flag. The insisting on sex part aside, this guy is not a "whole package". He believes in one thing and does another. He's got commitment issues. He's pulling away. This is not a guy worth bothering with. Block. Delete. Next. 4
Titanll Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 First things first: the part I bolded - am I right in my understanding that you were wanting to do something other than sex but he insisted on sex? If so, that's an enormous red flag. The insisting on sex part aside, this guy is not a "whole package". He believes in one thing and does another. He's got commitment issues. He's pulling away. This is not a guy worth bothering with. Block. Delete. Next. That bolded part is scary. I don't even want to know... 2
Author Bigmess2 Posted May 15, 2017 Author Posted May 15, 2017 After the fact we talked for like 3 hours and watched a movie which was nice but he kept being so "against the physical" but in this particular moment he wanted it.
Author Bigmess2 Posted May 15, 2017 Author Posted May 15, 2017 I think I made it seem worse then it actually was. It was consensual but we had talked before how we want more than hooking up. So we had started kissing and I was like let's go watch the movie now and then he proceeded to take my shirt off and carry me into his room. I wasn't like no no stop but I made the effort to be like let's do something else.
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 This is a scam he has perfected to get naïve women like you to sleep with him. He's all about the physical. He is not a man of faith other than believing he can always con women this way. Get rid of him. 4
starrynight4321 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Part of me is convinced this guy is playing the faith card just to get you into bed. Part of me thinks he doesn't even really know what he wants. Either way, you should back wayyyyyyyyyyy the heck off. Do not waste your time or energy. I wouldn't even initiate a single text message or call. He's the one that wanted to move back - so let him do it. Don't follow him, don't chase him. If he really wants you for more than just sex, he'll figure that out on his own soon enough. If not, then better for you finding out earlier that he's a dud. Do not invest your time and energy in a guy who is not even sure if he wants to invest his time and energy in you. 2
act00 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Religion and religious conflict (getting physical) can be really bad signs. First of all, learn about his religion and if you're even interested in this because it won't go away. Even if he lapses, and he states he doesn't care about your beliefs or that you join, there is a very high probability that after the babies come along, he's going back in it whole hog, and if you're not on board, I promise you, it will be an issue, especially if you want nothing to do with his religion. He's going to want you to convert and live the tenets and raise the children that way. Problems in the marriage will be blamed on you and your lack of faith. He's very conflicted. He gets caught up in the moment, and then feels intense guilt for it. If he's that heavily religious, walk away. Seriously, I married this, and it was not good. Don't pursue this further. 2
Author Bigmess2 Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 (edited) I appreciate all of your responses. I know I was naive to believe him so quickly instead of taking my time to see if his actions matched his words. I usually have a good read on people and, in this case, I guess it just wasn't a good enough read. I don't doubt his religious beliefs. I am catholic and he is Christian. It's not immensely different and I was being open minded to learn more about it. He had asked if I'd attend church with him and I said that I would. Although he has strong religious beliefs he doesn't do everything by the book. Hes a social drinker, he has tattoos, he lived with his last girlfriend that relationship ended in October (which was only 6 months long) and she cheated on him. He told me she was the last person he had been with (whether or not that's true idk but that's what he said) I feel like he has a strong faith but that since he doesn't fully follow through and "sins" he then feels guilty for his actions. I think that this has more to do with his fear of commitment. He told me he was looking to settle down with someone but maybe when it comes down to it it scares him. I really don't know. All I know is for only talking to him after 2 weeks I didn't expect to feel this sad. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in the blink of an eye. I guess I just have to learn that I can't be so willing to trust so easily and back off. Edited May 16, 2017 by Bigmess2
Redhead14 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I appreciate all of your responses. I know I was naive to believe him so quickly instead of taking my time to see if his actions matched his words. I usually have a good read on people and, in this case, I guess it just wasn't a good enough read. I don't doubt his religious beliefs. I am catholic and he is Christian. It's not immensely different and I was being open minded to learn more about it. He had asked if I'd attend church with him and I said that I would. Although he has strong religious beliefs he doesn't do everything by the book. Hes a social drinker, he has tattoos, he lived with his last girlfriend that relationship ended in October (which was only 6 months long) and she cheated on him. He told me she was the last person he had been with (whether or not that's true idk but that's what he said) I feel like he has a strong faith but that since he doesn't fully follow through and "sins" he then feels guilty for his actions. I think that this has more to do with his fear of commitment. He told me he was looking to settle down with someone but maybe when it comes down to it it scares him. I really don't know. All I know is for only talking to him after 2 weeks I didn't expect to feel this sad. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in the blink of an eye. I guess I just have to learn that I can't be so willing to trust so easily and back off. Nevermind all the religious crap. Sounds to me like he got what he wanted, knows women often get "attached" after intimacy and wants to make sure that doesn't happen. Fear of commitment - Yeah, he can't commit to you or his "religious" beliefs . . . And, you may be seeing the reason he has an EX . . . 3
No_Go Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Religion and religious conflict (getting physical) can be really bad signs. First of all, learn about his religion and if you're even interested in this because it won't go away. Even if he lapses, and he states he doesn't care about your beliefs or that you join, there is a very high probability that after the babies come along, he's going back in it whole hog, and if you're not on board, I promise you, it will be an issue, especially if you want nothing to do with his religion. He's going to want you to convert and live the tenets and raise the children that way. Problems in the marriage will be blamed on you and your lack of faith. He's very conflicted. He gets caught up in the moment, and then feels intense guilt for it. If he's that heavily religious, walk away. Seriously, I married this, and it was not good. Don't pursue this further. ^ Very true.. Reminds me of my ex-bf: religious when it suits him (he completely forgot about the abstinence part haha and even tried to cheat :/ ), and from day one to the end 2 years later he was hoping (and I later earned - praying) that I'll convert... This guy is a trouble, consider yourself lucky that he pulled off before you were too invested like i was. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 (edited) i love sex......i am celibate till marriage due to religious conviction......and even though i am wantign to do the right thing and stay true to my faith when faced with temptation...its bloody hard......the best way ...is to avoid the places and people where temptation can happen....doesnt make me a commitment phobe the opposite..... when i have gone against my convictions in the past ..... the guilt is intense......i mean soul destroying depressing intense......so celibacy....is the only way even though i want really to be physical with a guy is the only way i can be true to myself..... so it doesnt mean he is trying to get you into bed......could mean that.....but doesnt always mean that.....he could be highly conflicted and trying to do the right thing stay true to his faith.........you do need to have an idea of what his faith entails...ask him.......deb Edited May 17, 2017 by todreaminblue
Author Bigmess2 Posted May 17, 2017 Author Posted May 17, 2017 We didn't talk at all yesterday he just liked my picture. Today he texted me a picture of the fish tank he has and I said wow it looks really nice! And I asked him if he had a clownfish in there he said yes. Then I said how's work today? Anddddd it's been 2 hours no answer. Why did he text me if that was that? I keep getting more confused by the second. I was happy he texted but then he just left me hanging.
starrynight4321 Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 We didn't talk at all yesterday he just liked my picture. Today he texted me a picture of the fish tank he has and I said wow it looks really nice! And I asked him if he had a clownfish in there he said yes. Then I said how's work today? Anddddd it's been 2 hours no answer. Why did he text me if that was that? I keep getting more confused by the second. I was happy he texted but then he just left me hanging. Been there and done this too - and I WISH I'd had someone to tell me not to respond, or at least not to take it as a sign of anything. He's texting you for one of two reasons: To say: 1) Hey! I'm still here! Don't forget me! I'm still not going to give you what you want...but I'm here, don't get over me! I'm incredibly confused about what I want - and because I'm a selfish jerk, I'm going to keep texting you here and there even though I know what you want is not what I'm willing to give. And sometimes, when you respond I'll totally ignore you..or respond 2 days later...or not at all..and then I'll pop up again when it's convenient for me. Because I want to string you along just enough to keep you hanging on so that you neither drop me, nor have any increased expectations of me. That way, if I ever decide that I want to pick things back up wit you, I know you'll be right there waiting and we can pretend this never happened! And on the other hand, if I can't make up my mind for the next 6 months, that will be fine too...because you'll still be waiting, and responding to my texts, and hoping! I win! Yay for me. 2) keep the lines of communication open for a potential FWB situation Again, I completely sympathize with your situation and I know it's super hard when you like someone. But, this dude is a waste of your time and positive energy. He's going to leech off of your happiness indefinitely, leave you guessing and wondering until who knows when. The BEST option is to just stop responding to him altogether. If he REALLY changes his mind, he will put in the effort appropriately some time down the line. The alternate option is to respond sometimes, briefly, without sparking much conversation, without investing or showing too much interest, and without getting your hopes up. His texting you has nothing to do with you, and has everything to do with him. He's not worried about how you feel, and he's showing you exactly the type of partner he would be. 1
mortensorchid Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 Girlie, this sounds like a train wreck of a man I knew years ago. A psychic friend looked at his picture online a while ago and said "He looks like he feels guilty about something, he's religious isn't he"? He (the psychic friend) was right - he was a train wreck of guilt, depression, contradiction, etc. The relationship ended with an email. Good riddance, had many experiences since. I advise you to do the same. 2
Author Bigmess2 Posted May 20, 2017 Author Posted May 20, 2017 So Thursday night he texted me and he was talking to me very normal as if nothing ever happened. Then Friday neither one of us texted each other. I have a huge weight on my chest because I'm just so anxious and confused. Please help me because I might do something stupid like text him today.
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