Shin_00 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Hey everyone! I posted a thread a few years back about my fiancée being depressed about her past life with her ex boyfriends. Ultimately she overcame those and we recently had a beautiful and awesome wedding (Legend of Zelda theme)! But the thing now is that, I there's something itching! I had a few ex girlfriends, most I don't give a crap about. But this one which is on my mind all of the time!!! It brings me back to my university memories (about 10 years ago) where I was with this young and beautiful girl. We were BFF's for like 3 years and had a love relationship together! She had a medical condition and I use to comfort her, she fell in love with me and the feeling was mutual! So we started dating and it was just pure gold! Until she broke it off with me and gotten back with me after a while away. This time, things were different, she admitted that she was a Jehovah's Witness, even though her mom was cool with us dating and all the kissing and stuff... But then tragedy happened, she broke it off for good with me and said that she couldn't have a romantic relationship with me but still offered her friendship.. I was inexperienced at the time and that was like 10 years ago.. I shouted at her and she cried for it, I was so angry after all the history we had together. It took me years to get over her, because our relationship was so intense and we both said to each other "it felt like true love and we could get married".. Years have passed after she dumped me, I graduated from Uni, found a modest job for some income, made plenty of new friends and old ones, met a few other girls that I shortly dated, they dumped me. But with that life experience, we broke it off peacefully. Then the big **** happened! I met someone that really made me feel like I didn't need to hide myself, I am a geek and she don't mind that I play on the Nintendo most of the time, hell I bought a Nintendo Switch a month before our wedding so we could go crazy on games together! She takes me to her romantic movies at the cinema where I go "booohooo" and I take her to see all the Marvel and DC comics films where she falls asleep seing batman fight superman! That is true love haha! We decided to get married, I proposed on top of the Eiffel Towers 2 years ago from this and we got married a month ago.. Now we're trying to work things out to start a family. She lets me do what I enjoy in life and I let her do hers! Amyways, as I'm sitting here all happy about what happened to me and my now wife (we're happy together and we don't intend to change it). I'm still thinking about my damn Jehovah's witness ex girlfriend and the way I shouted at her... it wasn't fair, I got hurt and she got hurt.. I still keep on asking myself, what would have life been if we were still together. I have moved on and I'm sure she has, I'm wondering if she still thinks about me sometimes and if she misses having me around... I keep wondering if she would want to meet up sometime and meet my wife.. But I know it will never happen... All this as I learnt in time was just part of life experience... But I still keep on wondering how she is and if she still remembers me after all these years! (P.S: My wife knows about this, I'm very opened to her)
ExpatInItaly Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 What does your wife make of you reminiscing about your ex like this, and your secret desire to actually introduce them? And yes, that is probably a dream better left in dreamland. I couldn't imagine that going well. It's normal to remember an ex fondly from time to time, but to regularly fantasize about what could have been might indicate deeper problems in your current relationship. I understand you get on well with you wife and share common interests, but do you have the sense something is missing? I'm sure your ex remembers you, as we don't suddenly have memory loss after a break-up. You're right that she has also probably long since moved on - but have you?
Author Shin_00 Posted May 15, 2017 Author Posted May 15, 2017 I think, I'm not fantasizing, and it's not everyday I think about it! I have a future to plan, that's taking most of my brain space at the moment! I'm just guilty of what I had done before... It's not like I'm talking about it like a dream, it's haunting me! Even after a married life
BC1980 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 I'm not a big fan of dwelling on past memories unless they are memories that make you happy. I just don't think it's beneficial to get caught up in depressing memories or, in your case, memories of a past life/love. My exes pop into my head as well, but I don't think it's beneficial to let those thoughts linger on for too long. Are you trying to figure out how to stop thinking about her?
Author Shin_00 Posted May 15, 2017 Author Posted May 15, 2017 Yes I am trying to stop thinking about her. It's hard, Took me about 3 to 4 years if I remember to get over the break up. And now these memories...
unicorn_with_baggage Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 I think when the finality and reality of marriage sets in the brain starts to do weird crap like fixate on former relationships and memories of a time when it was less serious because there was less at stake. Have these thoughts started since getting married or have you had them during the entire relationship? Are you freaked out about being locked in to the contract?
Author Shin_00 Posted May 15, 2017 Author Posted May 15, 2017 (edited) It's just after the marriage when I went out with the wife for a couple of drinks, a girl from uni i went with saw us and we talked about past memories! That triggered it! I'm not freaked out of being locked in a contract! Coz despite what people say about marriage, nothing about me and the wife has changed since! I said to my wife, Marriage is like Brexit, Nothing happens now, but it's all going to change in a few years!! But we're prepared for it though, so no i'm not freaked out about it! It's just those random thoughts about my ex that resurfaced and I'm thinking about! Even I said to the wife, if I hypothetically go to see her now, it would make things worse for her to see me married, while my ex might still be fighting her illness on her own. (I did see a couple of pictures of her on facebook, I can tell she's still single).. Edited May 15, 2017 by Shin_00
BC1980 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Yes I am trying to stop thinking about her. It's hard, Took me about 3 to 4 years if I remember to get over the break up. And now these memories... Sometimes, certain things do trigger memories of the past. I think that getting married seems to have triggered some memories of your last girlfriend. Some people just stay with us, especially if we have regrets, and we think the ending wasn't on great terms. I understand that. I don't think you need to feel guilty for having thoughts because you can't really control thoughts that pop into your head. But I wouldn't spend a lot of time dwelling on those thoughts. If I am reading this correctly, it seems like you feel guilty over words you exchanged with your ex, and it's eating at you. Am I correct?
todreaminblue Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 (edited) hey shin the biggest part of your memory is regret and guilt for the way you yelled at her......its holding you close ...regret....wondering hwo she moved on hoping that she moved on and is happy like you are.....wantign to change the fact you yelled at her when it wont change or lessen the feeling that you shouldnt have....... what i can tell you is that yes she would have moved on....simlilarly i have had a couple of instances of regret where i have been able to make up for supposed hurts i fetl i had done to guys....two in particular played on my mind.....my first real boyfriend....never had sex fooled around a bit it was a teenage thing...i moved to the city and he followed me shortly after......i foudn him a job, a place to stay, i was already working but what i really wanted was freedom...i felt i had treated him badly towards the end of our relationship like he moved to the city to be with me and i had a lot of guilt..... i would miss dates with him to dance all night....he contacted me last year.....found me through a mutual friend......i got the chance to say sorry...and he said i didnt need to all he remembers about us was the fun we had together and the good times...........he is married now and happy..and all that guilt i had held onto...useless....... it was good for me to know i hadnt hurt him like i thought i had..the second guy was a guy i wasnt in the right frame of mind to date at the time so i had to tell him that....and he got really upset with me....he dditn even really remember years later......i did however...cant stand hurting people or thinking i have......i have to fix it....half the time they dont even remember when i do remember vividly.....my mistakes....im harder on me than anyone can ever be.........brutal actually.... . just like your ex has probably fond memories......and lives her life happy now.....so should you...holding onto that guilt is going to impact on your future if you let it...dont......i have often wondered if this guilt held me to this particular guys name or its coincidence or i am forever destined to meet guys with the same name....part of my path...........but i have dated since this guy....two guys same name in different languages...lol...hows that....and fell for another,again same name...i think god has a sense of humor i am surrounded by that name on a daily basis as well.....my daughter also fell for a guy with the same name and si with him........so i hear the name constantly all day every day.....think this particular name has actually sent me more batty than i ever was....... let go of what was...be in the now.......and smile....there were more good times than bad and its human nature to want those good memories over bad....that is what she will remember about you as she lives her life.......so be with your wife who loves you ...the past is gone....and smile...good times end just like bad times do.....make new good times and fond memories with your wife......your ex is a smile......you once shared..deb Edited May 15, 2017 by todreaminblue
Author Shin_00 Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 Yeah, part of me feels guilty and the wife understand that, she had too said bad stuff to her exes when they dumped her. I try and see it as something that will live in me as part of life experience and that makes me who I am now!
Author Shin_00 Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 I wish I had ended things with her without shouting or saying weird stuff. I learnt from those now, but I still wishI had responded differently and cut her off instead of talking to her a few months after she dumped me!
jjgitties Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Maybe you are thinking about you ex-GF not because you still have feelings for her but because you want to feel younger and be taken back in time? I too have on occasion thought about a person from my past. But I realize its not because I have anything for them. It's because of what that person represents to me in my life. The person and the memory of them is an objectification of my youth. Just a theory to consider.
Author Shin_00 Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 It's true I do want to feel young again, even though I'm in my late 20's. I keep watching the Flash and think what if I could turn back time and do it properly. But that would create a new future where I may not meet my wife! There's some thought in this! I also collect toys and gaming merchandize (I'm a man child haha). But yeah I miss these memories like I miss my home town as well! I get to see my home town at least once a year for a week..
Author Shin_00 Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 With that said, she still haunts me a bit! Sometimes I have dreams about her in my sleeps. Sometimes I cycle past our "spot" a big tree in a park, but I can't avoid it, coz it's the only route to seeing my GP. I shop at the same mall we use to go to coz it's local and sometimes my mind says "Hey you were there with her" I haven't been back to my uni yet (that as well is local to me and only a few minutes walk), that makes me think of her as well! I suppose I should go with the flow and take this as life experience behind me and hope she never contacts me someday! I mean, how likely is it for an ex girlfriend who dumped their boyfriends to get in touch? It's been roughly 10 years now
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