Ruby Soho Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Hi everyone! I'm currently coping with a lot and could definitely use a pep talk and some advice! I recently ended a very complicated relationship of four years. To sum it up, we were best friends who loved each other very much but he had serious baggage from being abused as a child and it was being transferred to me, and he was unable to make the changes necessary to continue the relationship... About three months before I left my boyfriend I met a guy (Sam) and developed quite a crush on him. We only spoke on occasion but I could tell he was interested in me. One day, he found me on facebook and we began chatting every day... It wasn't casual either, it became very deep meaningful conversation about topics that fascinated the both of us. When I left my boyfriend, Sam supported me. I was so emotionally exhausted from the breakup, and he felt like a breath of fresh air. He was all of the things that I wasn't getting with my previous relationship. Things progressed really quickly, we were staying over every other night, taking trips and meeting each others friends. He wasn't the typical kind of guy that usually attracted me, but we had the most amazing chemistry... We both agreed that our chemistry was unlike anything we had ever experienced before. The sex was mind blowing. I felt myself really falling for him, and something inside me just pulled back... Meanwhile, my ex, whom I still love and consider my best friend is having a revolution and taking care of all of the things he needed to do with gusto. I saw how well he was doing and became very confused. I realized how unready I was for a new relationship and decided to tell Sam how I was feeling. Mind you, this was only about two months after my breakup. Sam was really understanding in person, but things started getting strange. I was extra confused by my feelings for two men, and Sam and I stopped seeing each other as much, only once a week. The funny thing is that once we were together all our doubts went out the window and we would feel so serene and connected. Sam and I were really good about keeping each other updated on how we were feeling... Even though my emotions were hard to share I was able to be open and honest about my doubts. Then, the other day I saw Sam again and he told me he met someone else, and "might have sex with her". We had been sexually exclusive and it had seemed to be so much more for us. It was always really emotional. At first I was okay with it, as I couldn't expect him to wait for me if he really wanted a relationship.... But then I really started thinking about it. If he really felt that our connection was so special and deep, he would have waited patiently right? We still had something even if it was too soon for me, we still had a relationship. He said he didn't even know the girl but liked that she was " super excited" to date him. I'm actually really mad and hurt... I'm realizing I had deeper feelings for him that I knew. I'm not any less confused about all of this then two months ago! I keep waiting for my aha moment and it hasn't come. To top it off he's barely responding to my texts. I feel like yesterdays news. What do you think? 1
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 I think you aren't being fair. You never picked him. All the time you were dithering & going back & forth as you sorted out your break up, you made him feel 2nd best. Why should he stick around to be your back up plan? Either make a full on commitment to him -- which you can't do because he'd only be a rebound at this point -- or let him go. 13
stillafool Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Wait for What???? I don't understand what you wanted him to wait for. If you wanted him to wait until you make up your mind as to whether you wanted him or your ex I can't blame him for moving on to another girl who actually wanted him. How would you feel if someone were to put you on hold until they found out if they wanted the other girl more or not? 5
kendahke Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 No... Sam invested just about the same as you did when you decided to give your ex a second consideration. Seeing that you weren't on you own, working out the demise of your relationship with your ex, the most Sam could hope for with you was rebound boy. Especially 2 months since a break up. That was proven when you got back in contact with your ex and began rethinking the ending of your relationship. The best thing you should have done was to just not date anyone for a while til you'd worked out how you felt. That way, there would be no rebound boys. Meanwhile, my ex, whom I still love and consider my best friend is having a revolution and taking care of all of the things he needed to do with gusto. I saw how well he was doing and became very confused. I realized how unready I was for a new relationship and decided to tell Sam how I was feeling. Mind you, this was only about two months after my breakup. This right here proves a point I always make when people say they're confused: confusion only happens when you are allowing emotional intimacy to develop with someone who doesn't belong in your intimacy with the hopes of it working out, but you don't want to let the person you're with go because they are your fall-back plan should the one confusing you doesn't work out. 3
basil67 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 If your connection with Sam was so special and deep, you wouldn't be considering going back to your ex. Sam clearly has enough self worth to not wait around for someone who doesn't know if she wants him. 12
Lorenza Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 No, Sam did a right thing moving on. I wish more people were like him and realized that whoever makes us wait isn't worthy of having us. I'm sure genuine feelings don't get clouded by doubt and confusion seeing an ex doing well without you. Sam was your rebound guy and he seems to have caught on to that. 3
Elias33 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 I think Sam did pretty much the same as you did. As soon as he heard the doubts, that is when the decision was made by him to look elsewhere. It's that one little moment that changes everything. I really cannot blame the guy either. Is he to compete with a 4 year history of a relationship, and an exboyfriend who's making a comeback, doing all the things you've dreamed of? In a way you left both guys really. Yes, Sam should've told you, he should've probably just left you instantly. But in a lose-lose situation, what does one do?
Titanll Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Sounds like Sam isn't the type to let you have your cake and eat it too. Good for him. Sam needs to start a thread "If she really cares, wouldn't she have stayed with me?" 1
preraph Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 There was no reason for him to wait for you. You were never really together and you picked your ex over him and set him aside. He found someone who wanted him now. 3
act00 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 It's unrealistic to expect him to wait for you. You were clear on your feelings about your ex-boyfriend. He doesn't want to be second best. He doesn't want to pursue a relationship with someone who could go back to the ex or just decide they need to not date at all for awhile. You are UNAVAILABLE. He is seeking someone who is. The grass is always greener. Now that you're losing this man, you are missing him more. When you had him, you didn't know you wanted him. You want him more because he's out of reach. You wanted your ex too, after you broke up. You need to take some time to heal and separate yourself from the situation so your emotions don't cause this confusion.
CptCodi Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 I'm dealing with almost the same situation right now. My SO left me about a month ago after 4 and half years and she's already seeing someone else. They had been talking about hanging out before we actually broke up as well. Now I'm left with the heart ache and trying to figure out what's going on in my life, I've had minimal contact with my ex and it hasnt' been great. I would love for her to come back to me however, she left me for someone else instead of trying to make it work, if she showed up and just expected me to take her with open arms and no hesitation, she's crazy. Now, here's the kicker. I'm going to deal with all my issues that may have caused the break up to happen, or progress it at least. And I'm hoping that my ex will see that and want to get back together to continue what we had. I'm more than willing to give it another shot because I truly believe there is something special there. I understand where she's at right now, I wasn't satisfying her like she needed so she's branching out to fill that void. In the grand scheme of things this won't matter. So, to get to my point, he may need to do the same thing with this girl. Don't hold him back.
jjgitties Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Dear Ruby. Sam is your rebound. I think he also figured it out and thats why he is moving on. You don't go from a 4 year intense relationship with a best friend and someone you love, to a new relationship right away and expect things to be hunky dory.
Bastile Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 What do you think? I think the branch broke on your monkey-swing 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 OP, you cannot be serious. A man who is smart and love-savvy is not going to wait for a woman who is confused about her ex, no. The fact that you'd even put that out there is a just a tad ridiculous.
hercules22 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 dont blame the bloke why should he wait around when you dont even know what you want yourself what if he waited around and you ended up choosing someone completely different or just go back to your ex he would end up feeling crushed and have all his time wasted . he done the right thing its funny how people end up wishing they were with that person once they are gone and with someone else 1
todreaminblue Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 i think sam telling you specifically that the girl is "super excited to date him" is the tell you should be hearing......he wants to be with a woman who is wanting to be with him...and only him.....excited even......not confused...not half assed...but in there with her all...im sorry it isnt you...he sounds like a cool guy.......deb 2
BaileyB Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 It sounds like you lost your opportunity because you dithered too long about your ex boyfriend.
Author Ruby Soho Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 Thanks all for your candid answers. I'm fully aware of how much of a sh*t show this has all become. I only became emotionally attached to Sam because I genuinely thought I was ready to move on from my ex... Once I realized I wasn't ready to head towards a relationship I tried to let Sam go, I told him everything and was completely honest and he told me he didn't want to move on. But Ive always understood that he reserves the power to make any choice he wanted because I couldn't commit to him. And its an unfair situation. I think I descended into a tornado of emotions and haven't been able to step into the eye of it to see clearly how unfair I'm being. My friends have been telling me he's not worth it because he couldn't wait and that means that he didn't care as much as he let on... But clearly that's a biased opinion based on all of your answers haha! Thank you I needed some perspective. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Hi everyone! I'm currently coping with a lot and could definitely use a pep talk and some advice! I recently ended a very complicated relationship of four years. To sum it up, we were best friends who loved each other very much but he had serious baggage from being abused as a child and it was being transferred to me, and he was unable to make the changes necessary to continue the relationship... About three months before I left my boyfriend I met a guy (Sam) and developed quite a crush on him. We only spoke on occasion but I could tell he was interested in me. One day, he found me on facebook and we began chatting every day... It wasn't casual either, it became very deep meaningful conversation about topics that fascinated the both of us. When I left my boyfriend, Sam supported me. I was so emotionally exhausted from the breakup, and he felt like a breath of fresh air. He was all of the things that I wasn't getting with my previous relationship. Things progressed really quickly, we were staying over every other night, taking trips and meeting each others friends. He wasn't the typical kind of guy that usually attracted me, but we had the most amazing chemistry... We both agreed that our chemistry was unlike anything we had ever experienced before. The sex was mind blowing. I felt myself really falling for him, and something inside me just pulled back... Meanwhile, my ex, whom I still love and consider my best friend is having a revolution and taking care of all of the things he needed to do with gusto. I saw how well he was doing and became very confused. I realized how unready I was for a new relationship and decided to tell Sam how I was feeling. Mind you, this was only about two months after my breakup. Sam was really understanding in person, but things started getting strange. I was extra confused by my feelings for two men, and Sam and I stopped seeing each other as much, only once a week. The funny thing is that once we were together all our doubts went out the window and we would feel so serene and connected. Sam and I were really good about keeping each other updated on how we were feeling... Even though my emotions were hard to share I was able to be open and honest about my doubts. Then, the other day I saw Sam again and he told me he met someone else, and "might have sex with her". We had been sexually exclusive and it had seemed to be so much more for us. It was always really emotional. At first I was okay with it, as I couldn't expect him to wait for me if he really wanted a relationship.... But then I really started thinking about it. If he really felt that our connection was so special and deep, he would have waited patiently right? We still had something even if it was too soon for me, we still had a relationship. He said he didn't even know the girl but liked that she was " super excited" to date him. I'm actually really mad and hurt... I'm realizing I had deeper feelings for him that I knew. I'm not any less confused about all of this then two months ago! I keep waiting for my aha moment and it hasn't come. To top it off he's barely responding to my texts. I feel like yesterdays news. What do you think? he would have waited patiently right? -- I don't put my life on HOLD for anyone ever . . . especially for months at a time. If he really felt that our connection was so special and deep -- Perhaps that's what he's thinking . . . "if our connection was so special and deep, she'd have an easier time choosing me, wouldn't she?" I was so emotionally exhausted from the breakup, and he felt like a breath of fresh air. -- So he allowed himself to be your emotional tampon after your break up and be used as a distraction instead of backing off and letting you do what you needed to do -- grieve the end of that relationship and be in a place to move forward with your life. I might suspect that this guy perhaps used your vulnerability too . . . which might explain some of why he's not as "connected" as you thought . . . What do I think? -- You started dating too soon after your break up. You need to stop dating and get focused on you, process your break up properly so that you don't end up stringing men along.
GoreSP Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 If he really felt that our connection was so special and deep, he would have waited patiently right? If you really felt your connection was so special, you wouldn't so confused about your relationship with him. I mean no offence but it looks like Sam was your rebound.
todreaminblue Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Thanks all for your candid answers. I'm fully aware of how much of a sh*t show this has all become. I only became emotionally attached to Sam because I genuinely thought I was ready to move on from my ex... Once I realized I wasn't ready to head towards a relationship I tried to let Sam go, I told him everything and was completely honest and he told me he didn't want to move on. But Ive always understood that he reserves the power to make any choice he wanted because I couldn't commit to him. And its an unfair situation. I think I descended into a tornado of emotions and haven't been able to step into the eye of it to see clearly how unfair I'm being. My friends have been telling me he's not worth it because he couldn't wait and that means that he didn't care as much as he let on... But clearly that's a biased opinion based on all of your answers haha! Thank you I needed some perspective. ruby i just want to say you are a really gracious person you took criticical judgement in this thread and when your post originally said you needed a peptalk and some advice...you got a fair amount of judgment..and yet your ending was to thank everyone....lovely atttitude girl.....:0) .none of us really know yoru situation or the struggles you must have had ro have making decisions in regards to your ex and sam.....the fact that you were honest is probably the best ever thing you coudl have done ...toeb honest with yourself and to sam and to your ex.....friends will always rally behind you good or bad decisions and want you to feel better about any situation you face....thats part of being a friend....that bias towards your happiness and well being.........smilin.... i hope fo ryou you make the right decision and end up with the guy who deserves to have you and you deserve to have......but...ultimately...i hope your happiness comes from within and that you feel totally secure with any decisions you make to allow you to be completely honest with yourself....and them.....i wish you well...deb
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