Love, drugs and insecurity

May 15, 2017

About 10 months ago I started dating a guy who I live with for almost 2 months now. I would call him T. I am 20 and he is 23.

T is the most loving, caring and passionate guy that I have ever met. He is dedicated to out relationship and to me as no one has even been before. From the very first moment he has clearly stated his intentions with me and managed to prove them so far. We moved in together due to some circumstances, otherwise we would probably have waited some more before we start living together.

Both of his close friends live outside the city in small towns so from the very beginning of our relationship, he spends some nights there (1 or maximum 2 per week and mostly during the weekends).

From the very beginning he has told me about his addiction to weed in the past but always have been saying that this is part only of his past. Ever since we started talking about it, I have stated my clearly negative position about weed and other types of drugs, especially the latest. I have never suspected that he is smoking weed, I would have never said that he has been high around me and never assume that he might be using other types of drug as recreation. Until 3 weeks ago! He took me to a party with his friends (most of which I have been meeting many times before). He warned me in advance that there would be weed and may be some drugs in there. When we got there and everyone apart from me and him started sniffing MDMA, I got very frustrated and angry only by the look of it and when I imagined him doing it my frustration got even bigger. We started talking about it and we ended up at a point where he states that he has done this, just not sniffing, ever during our relationship and that he does it sometimes when he goes to parties and also he smokes weed sometimes during the weekend. He claims that the drugs are because its fun and the weed is because it helps him relax.

From that night on, I am out of my mind. We have been talking about it a lot of times and he keeps reassuring me that I should consider the drugs out of his life because he does not do it often at all and he keeps claiming that he smokes weed only sometimes during the weekends. I also kind of believe him that he feels bad for doing it. He also says that this is going to be all over once he decides to settle down and have family. I also know that his life hasn't been easy and he struggles with a lot of things in his head. Currently, he is maintaining a well-paid job and a normal lifestyle, I think.

The problem comes because I know for sure that he smokes weed everyday, once and sometimes twice. Additionally, during the weekends he is constantly baked. He is the same person when he is high as he is when he is sober, so I don't have a problem with his attitude I just would prefer him to be able to stay sober at least around me. I have overthought this a lot and I am so confused. Additionally, I have become crazily suspicious of everything he says or do. I got to the point where I count his filters for the weed, check his pockets, his clothes, bags and I check his phone every morning. This is crazy, that's not me. That's how I know how often he smokes weed. Moreover, before this weekend with his friends, he has been asking one of his friends whether he has gotten drugs. I can never be sure whether he is doing it though.When I have been with him on a party I have never seen any signs on him being on drugs. But this situation has made me EXTREMELY suspicious and insecure on each event.

This weekend, he has been to his friend's house where he spent the night. He claims that he only has been smoking a lot of weed that night. He was occasionally texting me throughout this night since I was also out. He has spent the night, sleeping on a couch with 3 other people(crazy!), two of which are girls and just one of them is his friend's girlfriend. He claims that he doesn't like them at all, due to some things that they have done in our own apartment and I am aware of it, because I was present at that particular situation. But because of my LOADS of insecurity these days, I have almost convinced myself that he has slept with one of the girls that night. I don't have any evidences, I have never had any reason to doubt about anything like this. On one hand, I keep saying to myself that he wouldn't tell me they all slept there, if there was something but my inner anxious, over-thinking, insecure voice keep screaming. (this voice has been very often wrong about my fears)

I have become so insecure and suspicious, I wasn't like this before, I have never been. Anyway, I am a very anxious person even before I met him but now I feel like this is the peak of my anxiety. I can't stop thinking about him, weed, drugs, girls and keep investigating if he lies to me about something else as well. I constantly check his activities on social media, through his own phone as well. I feel like I am in a dark trap and I don't know how climb back up. I am nervous and itchy most of the time without any particular reason and especially when he is away with his friends, I am literally freaking out.

After all this negativism that I wrote, I am trying not to forget that he is the same guy who he was three weeks ago as well - the most loving, caring, smart, funny and amazing guy I have ever met. My parents are literally in love with him, so are my friends. He is talkative and nice with people, well raised young man with a nice and friendly family as well. We have a wonderful apartment and we cope with each other very well and everyone around us has always been saying this. I really love him and I want our relationship to work out but when I am in this dark place of my mind I fail to see all the positive things about him and our life together and all the situations when he makes me so happy, and I only think about the bad ones. I can't enjoy his company when he is stoned, just because of the thought that he is high, otherwise he is the same old boy that I have felt in love with.

I honestly, don't know what to ask. I just want to save my relationship and get back the happy life that we had together before he made this confession. He is deadly scared that I am going to leave him and he has always been and that's the reason that he hadn't told me for so long, knowing my opinion about it and being a person who has been left by many people throughout his life, including his father for some period. He always says that he finally has a decent reason to quit doing all these things, and that's me but it just takes time because it is still pretty new for him to have me in his life. He also, said not only once, that he realise that his friends are bad company and that once he wants to quit these things he has to cut off all the contacts with them. Still, he says he is afraid to be alone and that's why he maintains these contacts. He now says that he is going to try to spend more time away from them during the weekends, which for this weekend hasn't shown any results. May be he needs time. I don't know but I would turn the world around to get him out of these things and these friends, I just don't know how. And also know for sure, that my mind often plays tricks with me and is making things to look the worst possible and I think that I might be overreacting about it and creating stories where they are not present, like with the girl for example. Giving him an ultimatum, would probably not work as he will just go back to hiding in from me as he used to and I would still wouldn't be completely sure that he is not doing it anymore. I also don't see it as an option, to tell him that I don't want him to to meet any of his friends anymore, that's impossible. He or someone else has never said that but I think the problems are only in my head, because it didn't cause any issues before I knew about it.

I am sorry, for the very long post, I am just very confused and scared and I needed to get it out to someone who is not my friends and family. Still, I would love to hear your opinions about it.

Greetings/

V

May 15, 2017

Get out now! I don't give a rat's butt he is so wonderful when he is with you....his lifestyle is in question, and that is who he is....he's pulling the wool over your eyes by putting on this act he is such a great BF to get away with this shady behavior.

Darling, if it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not. You don't keep dating someone when they make you feel this bad. It's a warning to you you better walk.

May 15, 2017

You are only 20 and not at all ready to deal with so much drama that this guy is bringing in your life.

Move out , like NOW.

May 15, 2017

I would leave. I will not be a relationship with someone who uses drugs nor would I be willing to trust that he would quit. I'm sorry.

May 15, 2017

Addicts always pick their addiction over every thing else, including relationships. You can't make him quit.

If you don't feel strong enough yet to leave him go to a Narc-anon meeting. It's a support group for people who love addicts. They will set you straight.

May 15, 2017

I mean you're too young to be considering a family with this guy, so be sure you are on birth control. I don't know how bad his weed habit is, but if it's bad enough that he schedules his life around it, that's too much. I've never understood why a pothead would even want to date someone who is against weed. Sometimes I think they're looking for a mother figure or something or else why not date someone more of a match about it, because it's a big deal when you don't agree on it.

Just don't think of this guy as "the one" but just think of him as someone you'll stay with for awhile as long as it's fun and dump when it's not fun anymore.

May 15, 2017

the most loving, caring, smart, funny and amazing guy I have ever met.

You forgot the part where he's a drug addict and can apparently lie to you with ease.

I can honestly say I have known many many weed smokers, and not a single one ever gave up weed for anything or anyone. He can lie to you and keep smoking, and keep you around. Either get used to his lifestyle, because it will not change, or decide you can't live with it. Because he Will Not Change.

You can not be in a relationship where you are constantly checking up on him. You are not his Mommy. You just have to accept him for who he is, and either its someone you can be with, or not. No matter how wonderful you think he is, do not lower your morals and standards for anyone. At the end of the day, the person you have to answer to is staring at you in the mirror.

Edited May 15, 2017 by Whodatdog

May 16, 2017

Couples should be on the same page about drug use. To me it's not his drug habits that are that concerning (he's 23 and weed use is pretty standard these days, plus you say he is perfectly functional and maintaining a well paid job). The real problem is him going to parties and crashing on couches with other girls while possibly intoxicated. You can't do those sorts of things in a committed relationship because you're just putting yourself in a bad situation where something could happen.

It doesn't mean he needs to be a homebody and never have fun, but he should at least have a plan in place so he's not sleeping next to another girl when he's out with his friends. Do you ever go with him to hang out with his friends? What are his friends like? Are they good people?

He is not wrong for smoking weed, and you are not wrong for disliking it. I do have to ask though, why do you dislike it so much? You say he doesn't act differently on it, it's just for fun. It's not like he's becoming a different person when he smokes it. Would you be ok if it were alcohol instead?

Just trying to get to the bottom of your feelings here, because I think you maybe be putting all of the focus on the drugs when the real problem with him is something else.

May 16, 2017

He is often crashing on his friend's couches during the weekends because as I said they both live far away and he doesn't have the chance to get home unless he is spends ton of money on a cap. It is true that he normally shouldn't be doing this and I am not aware of another time that this has happened. I keep asking myself, why would he tell me, if there was something going on there, since obviously he hiddes other things from me. I don't see him as addict, to be honest. Addict is a very harsh word. I smoke cigarettes to cool off and sometimes get sh*t faced with alcohol during the weekends just to quit my thoughts but I don't see myself as an addict to neither of them.

I am trying to see his actions in the same way, just with other substances because in reality that's what it is. He does not take any heavier drugs during the week and neither his friends are. He knows that this is not the right thing to do and one if the reasons he would like to keep a relationship with a nonuser is because he believes that this would give him motivation "to be who he wants to be". And when it comes to me, I want to keep a relationship with a user because every other aspect of our life makes me happy. I am not a kind of person who communicates with many people or who easily get along with everyone. It is very hard for me to find someone who I get well along with and I feel comfortable around and thats why when I find someone I hold on to them. Not only when it comes to relationships but with friends as well.

I have been hanging out with his friends quite a lot, yes. In general, they are not bad people. They are nice and friendly. They are not at all some kind of gangsters or junkies who you can't have a normal conversation with. One if them is his friend since he was 1 year old so I kind of understand why it is so hard to suddenly distant each other. The problem with his friends is that they all have had tons of issues throughout their lifes, since they were small children. None of them has grown up in a regular, loving family. About the girls, I have met them but I don't have much inpressions of how they are like people because they are hanging out together since relatively soon.

And as about why i dislike it so much. I can't point the exact reason. I think its mainly because of the imagination of what could happen and in what situation he could end up being. May be because I have tried smoking weed and each time it made me totaly different from what I am - as in, in my head and I might be afraid that its the same with him and he is not really mentaly with me while he is high. I can't point a particular reason. Guess its more about what socielty thought me so far. And if I really think about it and he was drinking beers after work, I would have felt better. Which is not correct, I think, because alcohol is not any better than weed.

I am trying to put myself in his shoes and imagine that i do something for recreation and the person I love does not like it but I am not all ready to quit it. I would lie and hide it as well in order to keep the person in my life. At the end, he really is trying to keep me out of this part of his life, which is both frustrating because of the lies but also I kind of appriciate it. I think the demons are created by my head mainly because as always I can't stop thinking and we all know what overthinking does to the life situations. It is weird because when he is nit around me, I am all nervous and overthinking but when he is around I am suddenly calm and alsmost don't think about it anymore. Only for the past few days it has been different, even when I am with him I keep thinking about it. But I give this to the fact that we meet for very limited periods due to my studies and his work.

Before I knew about it, I didnt have any problmes with him or the way he makes me feel so I don't think that there is something else there which I am trying to hide behind his drugs and weed usage. I have always known that there is something more about him but I have never felt as if its wrong and I am a very sensitive person and have barely been wrong about people. But the problem now is that I have been thinking so much that i dont trust my thoughts and feelings anymore. I actually has never trusted my thoughts when I have over thought something because for example, for years I have been absolutely sure that I am deadly sick but in fact, I am not and I have never been!

I am also afraid that I will create tension where there is not and I will kind of create the situation I have in my head, reality, only because I created problems in my head and acted according to my darkest thoughts rather than the situation in real life.

Edited May 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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May 16, 2017

Hi. It must be difficult to go through weekends with him gone not knowing the what, when, where, why. He sounds like his desire is to stop using drugs which is good. The first time I started using drugs years ago I started with smoking weed. I know you've probably heard that 'weed' is a gateway drug to other drugs---Well, it was true for me. Thank GOD I've been drug free for over 10 years now. I also know, being a woman, that we can stay in our heads thinking the worst and can be totally wrong. However, there are times our assumptions are correct. My suggestion is to have a discussion, in love, about what is acceptable versus inacceptable behavior when trying to maintain a loving drug free relationship. I hope everything works you and you get the happiness you deserve.

May 16, 2017

vlladimirap

You say you can't put your finger on why it bothers you & you seem to be going out of your way not to vilify anybody. That's nice but think about this.

This is more than 1 partner having a hobby the other doesn't like. Drugs are illegal.

How are you going to feel if your BF -- or worse you -- are at one of these parties with the friends & it gets busted by the cops? Read up on a concept called constructive possession. Even if you don't have drugs on you, the fact that you were in the house & could have touched them means in the eyes of the law they are your drugs & you have committed a crime. You may then end up with a felony conviction for just being there.

I don't know where you work but if you are subject to random drug testing, & your employer finds pot in your system from the test you could be fired.

May 16, 2017

His lifestyle just doesn't sound appropriate for someone who is an adult, and living with his SO. Even if he wasn't using weed, going for these party weekends, and passing out on a couch with people of the opposite sex, is very high school. I don't think it's at all appropriate.

As for the weed, I don't have strong feelings either way about weed, but clearly you do, and it doesn't sound like a harmless habit for him. If everything else was healthy and he smoked the occasional joint on weekends, I'd probably try to convince you to let it go, but that just isn't the situation. I think you need to move on, or at least tell him you can't go on like this.

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Love, drugs and insecurity

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