ari2 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a couple months now. A prominent issue in our relationship has been our mismatched sex drives. I'm relatively inexperienced with sex, I'd say the most I'd ever done was tame missionary sex with my ex twice in the relationship, although with that one he turned me on less than my current boyfriend. When we began dating, we connected very strongly on an emotional level. I remember having many late night talks about each others lives and telling each other personal secrets. Now, I don't know if theres a name for this but at the beginning of relationships, theres a sort of passion, or heat, where everything is new. That's when I felt the most sexual attration to him. I remember one time our lips got so close together and I could feel myself heat up and I'd never felt like that before. (Edit: I'm mainly referring to the sexual attraction but I guess it could also be referred to as the 'honeymoon phase'?) We started dating and we were going okay. I tried as best to get into the sexual side of the relationship, and he tried his best to get into the emotional side. As time went on, we had fights about jealousy and fights about things that weren't about libido and they were all sorted out easily. We've had some resurfacing issues about his libido and my willingness to do things in that regard. It was difficult because it took a lot of time for me to open up to him sexually. Yesterday we talked about me taking chances to do sexual things. He mentioned that when we're cuddling, he doesn't feel as sexually attracted to me as he used to. We're very very close emotionally but sexually we are quite out of sync. We both want to put as much effort as we can into fixing this and are trying our best, and looking for a sex therapist. I'm posting here because I want a third party opinion on this. Is there a way to regain sexual attraction? Have you had experience with an issue like this? What did you do to fix it?
unicorn_with_baggage Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 It sounds like the problem you have with intimacy is a YOU thing and it's one that you need to work on if you want to experience a complete and satisfying relationship. The therapist is a good idea. I believe the word you are looking for is lust. Lust doesn't last forever but it's a big driving factor in the beginning of a relationship and when the love is strong and real it departs to make way for a deeper connection.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Sometimes we're just not sexually compatible. But before drawing that conclusion... I would ask yourself: do you know what turns you on, specifically? Could you identify what you like and don't like in bed? What do you need to feel desire and desired? How often do you feel frisky and in the mood? What gets you to that point? How do you feel about yourself, in terms of confidence and comfort with yourself as a sexual being? Then I would ask yourself the same questions about your boyfriend, and vice versa - him about you. Do you know each other's great turn-ons and turn-offs?I don't mean in general terms. I mean specific examples. You say you've talked about taking chances to do sexual things. What are those things he'd like to do with you? And how do you feel about that?
PogoStick Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 How old are you? You definitely need to figure out your sexuality. Are you capable of being strongly sexual or not? Maybe your core nature will never be highly sexual, in which case, you need to find a partner who fits with that. Or, are you capable of being a highly sexual person but a broken relationship or poor compatibility with this guy is the culprit?
preraph Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 First of all, don't do anything that sounds painful or you don't enjoy. You're not his paid hooker. That said, be a little flexible about just different positions, you on top, spooning, side by side, etc. It just takes a little more effort and balance on your part, but don't let him totally quit missionary if that's what you like best. It's normal for the new to wear off, but usually if your sex life is good, you can keep it going for awhile. If you're having problems with him pressuring you, which you did not say you did, but if you are, that can be a huge turnoff and it's disrespectful. Many guys can have sex even right in the middle of an argument. Women would prefer to be liking the guy at the moment usually. Maybe that sort of thing could be worked out with counseling so he understands the pressure is a turnoff -again if that's what's going on, or if something similar.
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