brkennn Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 (edited) i would love an outsider's unbiased opinion. my ex broke up with me for personal issues he was dealing with. no lack of feelings and nothing i did. (despite the drama you're abt to read, this was 1 of our only issues, and the whole point is that being apart is what made us both so jealous and crazy lol. there truly was a lot of love n respect during the majority.) this happened twice. once over the summer. in summer soon after breakup, we both partied (separately) to try and forget, rebound whatever, but i hooked up with a guy while me and ex were talking about a reconcile. however he kept going back and forth about if he was able to come back, and we werent actually back together yet and i was like, im going to do what i want, im still single and his inconsistent self let me go. when i told him about the hookup later on once we got back together, he was mad that it was so 'messy' so to speak, that it happened while we were talking again. anyway, he got over it because he knew the breakup was on him and it was the only mistake i'd ever made before. then he broke up with me again recently. after break-up we were still seeing each other (mistake) AND seeing other people. he slept with a girl. he told me about it. i only talked to other guys, but there were two separate instances where i was messaging other guys the same day i invited ex over and claimed inviting him over wasnt related to anyone else (which it wasnt, i only cared about my ex and was just using these messages as distractions. we were allowed to see other people.) he claims i lied, withheld a lot of info both times and was sketchy. it is because of these instances that he says we cant be friends or have a chance to get back together. i was a great supportive gf the entire time, no actual cheating, but i understand how my behavior was less that 100% transparent after the breakup. im just mad because i was so loyal while together, but once he broke up i felt a need to distract myself because i knew he was also going to see other people, and i didnt want to get hurt. now i feel like my character is tainted. im just so mad he is so caught up on these instances instead of seeing the bigger picture of all i stood by him through, he made mistakes too but since this is what caused our falling out, he cant let it go. i obviously told him i was sorry and took responsibility, i just think he over-amplified what i did. after all i did for him while we were together, im so mad at myself for ruining an otherwise great image of myself, and knowing when he thinks of me, he is angry and hurt thinking of these instances. <-- i keep kicking myself about that <-- is his anger justified? also---and do you think anger subsides in time? do you think as time passes these mistakes will only amplify as reasons to stay away from me, or do you think he'll soften up? Edited May 14, 2017 by brkennn
preraph Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 You're perfectly right to date other guys when you and him are broken up. And now you've tried the multi-dating when you're still dating him and you found out that certainly doesn't work. I guarantee you you were not doing anything he wasn't doing himself, so stop letting him besmirch your character. A smart woman WILL date other guys if their man isn't working out and they have broken up or are separated. A smart woman doesn't just sit around crying while HE goes out and dates who he wants during a breakup. He's trying to position you where you don't date other guys when you two are not committed but he can still date other women. Quite plainly, you two need to break up and move on from each other. Neither of you is really happy with only each other and there's no trust, so it's just not possible. There's just insecurity on both sides creating jealousy. 2
Emotion Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 i would love an outsider's unbiased opinion. my ex broke up with me for personal issues he was dealing with. no lack of feelings and nothing i did. (despite the drama you're abt to read, this was 1 of our only issues, and the whole point is that being apart is what made us both so jealous and crazy lol. there truly was a lot of love n respect during the majority.) this happened twice. once over the summer. in summer soon after breakup, we both partied (separately) to try and forget, rebound whatever, but i hooked up with a guy while me and ex were talking about a reconcile. however he kept going back and forth about if he was able to come back, and we werent actually back together yet and i was like, im going to do what i want, im still single and his inconsistent self let me go. when i told him about the hookup later on once we got back together, he was mad that it was so 'messy' so to speak, that it happened while we were talking again. anyway, he got over it because he knew the breakup was on him and it was the only mistake i'd ever made before. then he broke up with me again recently. after break-up we were still seeing each other (mistake) AND seeing other people. he slept with a girl. he told me about it. i only talked to other guys, but there were two separate instances where i was messaging other guys the same day i invited ex over and claimed inviting him over wasnt related to anyone else (which it wasnt, i only cared about my ex and was just using these messages as distractions. we were allowed to see other people.) he claims i lied, withheld a lot of info both times and was sketchy. it is because of these instances that he says we cant be friends or have a chance to get back together. i was a great supportive gf the entire time, no actual cheating, but i understand how my behavior was less that 100% transparent after the breakup. im just mad because i was so loyal while together, but once he broke up i felt a need to distract myself because i knew he was also going to see other people, and i didnt want to get hurt. now i feel like my character is tainted. im just so mad he is so caught up on these instances instead of seeing the bigger picture of all i stood by him through, he made mistakes too but since this is what caused our falling out, he cant let it go. i obviously told him i was sorry and took responsibility, i just think he over-amplified what i did. after all i did for him while we were together, im so mad at myself for ruining an otherwise great image of myself, and knowing when he thinks of me, he is angry and hurt thinking of these instances. <-- i keep kicking myself about that <-- is his anger justified? also---and do you think anger subsides in time? do you think as time passes these mistakes will only amplify as reasons to stay away from me, or do you think he'll soften up? Hi Brkennn, Can you clarify what you mean in the summer break up part, "we both partied to try and forget rebound whatever but I hooked up with a guy while we were reconciling" Please note: you do NOT have the answer the below, food for thought: 1)Is the above confirmed from a third party source? 2)By "hooked up" you mean relationship or just physical? 3)Did you ex get involved with anyone on any level? Assuming he wasn't didn't meet 4)anyone would he have done so if he could? 5) why "hook up" if you reconciling? Based on the information you have provided in you original post. These a lot of possibilities but the short of it is words and actions are different. I.e going out to party and getting drunk doesn't mean your looking for a rebound/fling or whatever. Although I don't recommended this method it can be a release for some. Your exs indecision may stem from miscommunication/signals both parties sent. If he had issues to work out both should have communicated this. My opinion about your "I'm single comment", if you really wanted to reconcile why "hook up"? I empathise with you, love isn't rationale we all make mistakes. Potentially you ex might have slept with this other girl for three reasons: 1) based on your summer break up you "hooked up" with someone else therefore by example he thinks it's ok (which it is not, my opinion) 2) to get back at your, could be a sign of self sabotage. I feel both parties are to blame and there is much growing on both sides to be done. 3) He was never committed and wanted someone else. I can only theorise as I do not know him even then everyone has a mask. BUT i strongly disagree with the above post by preraph. A smart man OR woman would work things out if you both were fully committed. I sincerely hope you do not paint all men/women with the same brush. Both have equal chance of cheating, men are caught because they bad liars. With regards to your question about anger. One cannot say, some anger is instense but burns out quickly. While others are smoulder and ever burning. My advice is look forward in your life and improve yourself. P.S If you ex was (fact not conjecture) seeing other people during the summer break up then my opinion is move on. Again you both need to grow more. True forgiveness is a hard thing. Also again just my opinion but true loyalty is revealed in times of hardship. -E
salparadise Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 i obviously told him i was sorry and took responsibility, i just think he over-amplified what i did. after all i did for him while we were together, im so mad at myself for ruining an otherwise great image of myself, and knowing when he thinks of me, he is angry and hurt thinking of these instances. is his anger justified? also---and do you think anger subsides in time? Well, I don't think "justified vs. unjustified" is exactly relevant. He's angry; it's what he feels. Do you think he'd cease being angry if you presented a rational argument that you were justified in hooking up... because you were technically not a couple while in negotiations? He's hurt, which is understandable. What you said (quoted ^) is spot on. Even though you technically weren't bound to him, he still views it as a breach of trust. He has images in his head that can't be erased. While you may be able to dismiss it as insignificant, that's just not how it feels to him. Will it subside in time? Sure, the intensity will certainly diminish. Will he forgive and forget? Unlikely, but who can say. If you really want to reconcile, you'd need to demonstrate ongoing remorse and dedication. But he's the one who broke up to begin with, so it was probably iffy even before the hooking up part. Sexual betrayal is probably the hardest thing ever for a man to overcome, and even though you can cognitively dismiss it as not technically a betrayal, that's not how it feels to him. Even if he were to be able to cognitively dismiss it, his emotions probably will not be in sync for a long time, if ever.
Redhead14 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 he kept going back and forth about if he was able to come back -- You two were broken up and you kept moving forward with your life. That's the way it should be. He was basically saying that you should be in a holding pattern while HE decides what's going to happen with the relationship. I don't put my life on hold for anyone ever. When someone does that to me, I take the control away from them and I keep moving on . . . These "break ups" are about manipulation and game playing. To me, he slept with a another woman during the second "break up" as a retaliation I'd say -- tit for tat. It's clear that you two are not suited for a relationship with each other so stop beating a dead horse. 1
Author brkennn Posted May 15, 2017 Author Posted May 15, 2017 (edited) you're all right for sure, i really regret acting quickly without thinking, but i was also hurt by the breakup and didnt know if he'd come back. i wish i never made those mistakes, so that the break up would've been clean and we would've had a chance for future reconciliation. but i know it's for the best. he made plenty of mistakes too so i hope in time he'll see the bigger picture that both of us f*d up after the break-up, and maybe he'll be able to think fondly of all the good times. we were really great before the breakups, i think they just drove us both to act crazy and jealous etc. also not mentioned but he was struggling with depression and alcohol issues so i think he felt guilty about being the initial cause to end it anyway, so he used what i did as a way to not feel guilty himself. which i think is an important factor. i just cant stop thinking about his anger and i need to stop beating myself up over it. anyway thanks for the advice Edited May 15, 2017 by brkennn 2
preraph Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 When you have someone else beating you up, you don't need to beat yourself up. It's unlikely that any other decision you had made would have kept this from ending the same way.
Emotion Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 he kept going back and forth about if he was able to come back -- You two were broken up and you kept moving forward with your life. That's the way it should be. He was basically saying that you should be in a holding pattern while HE decides what's going to happen with the relationship. I don't put my life on hold for anyone ever. When someone does that to me, I take the control away from them and I keep moving on . . . These "break ups" are about manipulation and game playing. To me, he slept with a another woman during the second "break up" as a retaliation I'd say -- tit for tat. It's clear that you two are not suited for a relationship with each other so stop beating a dead horse. Hi, I'm genuinely interested in the reply by Redhead14. Apologies ahead of time if I'm mistaken but how is this a game of control? Based on Brkennn most recent reply her ex had depression and alcohol issues (duly noted you replied before hand). I emphasise that based information on this post it would seem as though he was struggling through issues of head and heart I.e. He thinks he's dragging you down with his problems but his heart is still in love. Yes I agree Brkennn, the past is in the past for a reason. -E
Author brkennn Posted May 15, 2017 Author Posted May 15, 2017 Hi, I'm genuinely interested in the reply by Redhead14. Apologies ahead of time if I'm mistaken but how is this a game of control? Based on Brkennn most recent reply her ex had depression and alcohol issues (duly noted you replied before hand). I emphasise that based information on this post it would seem as though he was struggling through issues of head and heart I.e. He thinks he's dragging you down with his problems but his heart is still in love. Yes I agree Brkennn, the past is in the past for a reason. -E head vs. heart is definitely accurate. i think he in part used my mistake as a way to leave with far less guilt. it worked lol . thank you for all of your replies!
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