A little lost

[Spartakooty]

Wouldn't read too much into it. She's just being cordial about getting you some stuff back.

[Ronnys93]

If you do go pick your stuff up keep it short, don't be emotional. Come over, greet her, get your stuff and go. I wouldn't even really have idle chit chat, just get your stuff and get out. Otherwise you may open up wounds for yourself. If she can send your stuff to you like PegNosePete suggested, even better.

[jamili]

Have her send it. Personally, if i were you, id tell her you dont need them, to throw them out (unless they really sre that important).

[desertsession]

Yeah I definitely need to get the documents, and really, me asking her to post it would probably come across somewhat unreasonable as we live less than half a mile apart, and my place is on her way to and from work.

 

So I will have to meet her for it. As Ronnys93 says, I will keep it as brief as possible, exchange pleasantries, get the stuff, and say I have to be off.

[springy]

If seeing her makes you feel 'massively ill' have one of your friends get it for you. Phone call is probably because last time she tried to tie up loose ends with you by text you took hours to respond. Phone call was an attempt not to play that game and get it over and done with.

[desertsession]

Phone call is probably because last time she tried to tie up loose ends with you by text you took hours to respond.

 

Oh yeah, forgot about that.

[SevenCity]

She's used it as an excuse to contact u

 

This is my thought. What's the back story? She broke up with you?

 

Do you want her back? If so take it as an opportunity to rekindle. If not, just tell her you are busy and to mail the docs to you.

 

Dumpers, especially women, want to dip a toe in the water before jumping in. Think about it. How many girls have asked you out? Most women are too afraid and will put out signals often indirect. Same holds true for exes. Even more so because you could tell them to F off or you have a new gf.

 

 

If you have no desire to reconcile shut it down. If you do invite her over to your place and end up in the bedroom. Then, let her make the next move. Don't bring up the old RL at all and don't show you were hurt by it.

 

But best advice is to move on as she has her chance and there is a better woman out there who needs a shot.

[desertsession]

This is my thought. What's the back story? She broke up with you?

 

Do you want her back? If so take it as an opportunity to rekindle. If not, just tell her you are busy and to mail the docs to you.

 

Dumpers, especially women, want to dip a toe in the water before jumping in. Think about it. How many girls have asked you out? Most women are too afraid and will put out signals often indirect. Same holds true for exes. Even more so because you could tell them to F off or you have a new gf.

 

 

If you have no desire to reconcile shut it down. If you do invite her over to your place and end up in the bedroom. Then, let her make the next move. Don't bring up the old RL at all and don't show you were hurt by it.

 

But best advice is to move on as she has her chance and there is a better woman out there who needs a shot.

 

She broke up with me after 6.5 years. Nothing major happened but we have been together since I was 18 and she 16, so very young. Both had little time to grow as individuals over that time. 3 years ago she split with me, I did a lot of chasing and begging. She quickly slept with someone else then 'regretted' it, and we reconciled 2 months on.

 

We managed 3 more years but last month she broke up with me again. Nothing major happened, but we both were not paying attention to making each other happy. A few days later I discovered she'd quickly slept with, again, the first person to give her attention. Unlike last time, I was able to recognise this as a huge flaw in her character. I proceeded to tell her to leave our flat and initiated NC.

 

We have spoken via text perhaps 3/4 times, ONLY to discuss the splitting of possessions and bills etc. The last time she text me regarding the above, I was slow to respond and she lost her temper with me. It seemed to me that she was surprised that I am not jumping the moment she clicks her fingers... Like I did 3 years ago.

 

My heart would love to reconcile but my head says not yet... and not for a while. Despite the last month being hugely painful, I have already begun to realise the benefits to myself of the huge chance to grow. I've improved my health and seen a lot of my friends and I don't wish to cut the chance to grow short by reconciling now.

 

However, I do love this girl very much and would like to think that we could have something good eventually when we both have had the chance to mature. Please don't think i'm holding out hope for that, though.

 

She called me again tonight.

 

When I got home from work my phone rang again, I realised that I could not ignore her two nights in a row.

 

She sounded very nervous on the phone. She said that she was ringing instead of texting as she was 'rushing', and asked if I was available on Thursday as that would likely be the day she could do. I said I think so, and cut the conversation short by saying I'd 'maybe see her Thursday then'.

 

She then called back 5 minutes later to ask if I'd like a bag of toiletries that were left at her parents' house. I said no.

 

20 or so minutes later she FaceTime called me, but this went off after a couple of rings. I sent '?' as a text and she said 'Sorry I pressed it by mistake'.

 

So yeah, I am taking all of this contact as face value and trying not to read into it too much. However, the attempts to call twice in two days do lend some value to the theory of 'excuses to contact'.

 

It was very nice to hear her voice. I tried to stay nice without going overboard.

[preraph]

Have her mail or drop off the stuff. Tell her, you can just drop that stuff off at my door anytime. You're too emotional to do anything else.

[usa1ah]

Have you been with anyone other then her?

 

Have you been with anyone other then her sense you started dating her?

 

Go on a date if not. I am not saying go out and sleep with the first girl you meet. Just go out and meet other girls.

 

Your ex has broken up with you twice to scratch an itch, at least she didn't cheat on you. She is not in love with you, no amount of time will change that. I believe she cares about your wellbeing and loves you in a way but she is not in love. You can't change this. Yes she misses you, like she said the two of you have a history together. She wants your friendship nothing more. The reason it is so easy for her and why she can't understand why you won't be her friend is because she never loved or cared for you like you did her.

 

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy".

 

Get out and meet new people.

[PegNosePete]

Yeah I definitely need to get the documents, and really, me asking her to post it would probably come across somewhat unreasonable as we live less than half a mile apart, and my place is on her way to and from work.

So why can't she just put the documents and keys through your door on the way to work? Problem solved.

 

Have her mail or drop off the stuff. Tell her, you can just drop that stuff off at my door anytime. You're too emotional to do anything else.

Exactly.

[desertsession]

UPDATE

 

So, quite a bit has happened (from her) since the middle of June.

 

1.

 

After those phone calls, it was arranged for her to drop by with the documents of mine. She did, and I chatted to her like she was a good friend. She made a lot of the conversation and we had a 'catch-up'. I didn't mention us whatsoever. She stayed for about an hour, then kissed me on the cheek as she left.

 

She weirdly said 'We'd have fitted in my new flat' during this meeting.

 

2.

 

I went on a night out and ended up kissing a girl. I was unaware, but a mate of mine caught it and put it on his Instagram story, where my ex saw it. My phone was dead, but when I got home and charged it, I had an angry message from her telling me I should tell my friends not to be insensitive. I ignored it.

 

I got an apology text the next morning, to which I just replied 'It's fine x' but she continued a bit more of a discussion. I was hungover so cut her short.

 

3.

 

I had blocked her on all social media and I myself managed not to spy on hers. I discovered she was using a different profile to look at my Instagram quite regularly.

 

4.

 

She rang me again in mid-July. She'd been on holiday and had her phone stolen so had a new number (so I didn't recognise it). She again made an excuse for ringing instead of texting ('hands full'). She was calling to ask when I could pay some money I owed, which she was aware I'd only be able to do once I sold my car. She then said 'I don't need it for a few months anyway', so I believed it just another excuse to call. She started telling me about her holiday and said 'You should go, we'd have liked it there'.

 

5.

 

She gets a letter delivered. I offer to give it to a neighbour of mine who is a colleague of hers. She says 'Why would you do that? I'll come and get it' so she visits again. Once more, we have an extremely friendly catch-up where I don't mention us once. I stay in good spirits throughout but I got very upset when she left.

 

6.

 

She text a couple of weeks ago asking if I could get the money owed ASAP. I told her that I'm doing my best to sell my car. She starts to get quite short with me so I cut her short and tell her that I'll get it when I can.

 

A week later, I managed to get the money together (by putting myself out somewhat, but she doesn't know this). I send her it.

 

The very next day, she texts asking if I'm in so she can deliver a birthday card for my Dad. Remembering the fact that I got upset last time she left, I decided it was not a good idea to have another meaningless 'catch-up' and told her that I'd be busy and to post it. I went out for the day and when I got back, no card. She text on the evening saying 'I had a busy day, I'll post it tomorrow afternoon'.

 

I ignored the message and just made sure I was out the next afternoon. When I got back, no card, no message. She rang me at 22:30, I ignored it. She turned up at my door at 23:00.

 

We had another small catch-up, longer than I'd have liked as I was full of cold and not my 'best-dressed'.

 

There's a gig in a town about 2 hours away. If we were together, we'd undoubtedly have gone together. As it stands, I bought myself a ticket but I didn't think she would. She told me that she had, so I told her I was going as well. To this she said: 'I bought two tickets and had to find someone to go with, we could have gone together. That might have been a bit awkward'.

 

I just replied 'Yeah it would'.

 

7.

 

The very next day, I was driving and she went through a junction in front of me. I ended up behind her car and having to follow her for a short time until she pulled up at her new place. She waved at me, and then text me within 2 minutes saying 'Oh hi there! Hope you feel better, have a good night x'

 

WHERE THIS LEAVES ME

 

It's very clear that she's made a number of excuses to speak to and see me.

 

I haven't initiated a conversation with her other than to let her know she had a letter, yet she's continually reached out and put herself in positions where she comes to see me.

 

I've been pleasant and civil throughout but haven't once mentioned 'us', cried, begged, or pleaded.

 

I AM open to the idea of reconciliation but she hasn't brought this up.

 

The way I see it, I have 2 options.

 

1. The next time she reaches out for something I deem unnecessary (now that I've paid her, should be anything at all), I agree to meet her and then put her on the spot by asking why she continues to find reasons to speak to/see me. If she can't answer this honestly then I ask her to stop.

 

2. I slowly increase the warmth of my reception to her approaches/initiate some of my own to test the water (as instructed by some of the YouTube coaches).

 

What do you think?

Edited August 17, 2017 by desertsession
Missed something