djoner Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 (edited) Well, it looks like it's time for me to move over to this section. Anyone who's interested in hearing my story can be read here. Relationship issue [i can’t see myself marrying her the way things currently are] Anyway, long story short, my ex and i broke up on April 1st. She ended things the night of March 31 by text and said she was "officially done" . I texted her back saying that i hated that she felt that way but it was killing me that she felt the way she did. She never responded. We both went NC for 2 weeks. 2 weeks later she started making tender offers to hang out like we used to, go on movie dates, but I was not ready to see her and be pulled backwards, I told her I was busy. My main issue was that everytime we got into a disagreement, she would go into pout mode and would leave my apartment, hang up, or threaten to breaks/break ups all the time. I would be the main one to try to stop her from leaving and talk things out, always stopping her. I would even try to talk some sense because she wanted to get married but everytime we got into the slightest disagreements, she would GASP real loud and threaten breaks and break ups. It got to the point that i didn't feel like i could talk to her about serious things anymore. I told her that those were some of the reasons I wasn't ready to get married. Plus, she never lived on her own from her parent's house, only child, and used to being coddled. Her behavior appeared to be a huge red flag, especially when we only saw eachother on the weekends. Right now, I'm really struggling with pounding guilt because she called me this past Friday saying suggesting that we give it another chance. I told her that i really am trying to work on myself right now. Of course she was upset and our conversation escalated to the same arguments we used to have and she hung up the phone. How do you deal with the guilt of trying to move on from someone you loved/still love? I feel bad for her because her Dad died last year, which she threatened break ups all the time too, even would stop talking to me for about 4 or 5 days on several occasions. I gave her a pass on those understanding about her Dad, but this had been a pattern long before her Dad passed. We had been together 5 years and she did the same thing, getting used to me chasing and begging, stopping her from leaving, and pleading to talk things out. Our r/l wasn't bad. She's a good person, but that other side to her personality made it difficult to see her as marriage material. She wanted me to give her a ring, but our r/l was nowhere near that point. Sometimes after leaving, when we got on good terms again, she would be right back to talking about marriage like nothing happened. I'm not saying i was a saint, I could be overbearing and controlling at times too, but i never walked out on her or threatened to break it off with her and declared our relationship as being a waste of time. When i'd tell her about her behaviour, she'd say, "That's just women." So i put up with it, trying not to take that stuff too seriously or personally. Any advice on how to get past the guilt of not wanting her back right now? By moving forward, I feel as if i'm trying to throw her away, and it hurts. I know she misses me and i miss her too, but something is telling me to move forward. I'm nervous because it may be too late now, and the last memory i'll have is that she tried to get back together and I didn't. Edited May 14, 2017 by djoner
Blanco Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 Guilt is a lousy reason to stay in a relationship or return to one. I've been following your other thread, and I want to reiterate: Guilt will be a far better feeling than tethering yourself to someone who is emotionally immature, spoiled, and inconsiderate. 1
Author djoner Posted May 14, 2017 Author Posted May 14, 2017 (edited) Well, I guess what I'm trying to find out if that means i don't love her since I somewhat turned down her attempt at reconsiliation. I almost wonder if i give her fair enough warning that she was on her final straw. Ridiculous I know, but that's what the guilt centers around. I have to admit, after I've been with someone for a long time, i have a huge soft spot for them. The things she was saying in our phone conversation the other night. Claimimg I wanted to be single from day 1 with her, she tried hard, tried to set up counseling, etc Kind of got to me, even though I know she has a history of throwing out ridiculous Points in her rants. This whole thing is just playing tricks with my mind. Edited May 14, 2017 by djoner 1
Blanco Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 It's possible to love someone but know you don't belong with them. 2
Ronnys93 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Work on healing for a bit. Do what you need to do to get back in your right frame of mind. She really needs to do the same for you to have a successful reconciliation anyway. Don't get too swept up in the guilt, you're doing the right thing by not trying to jump at the chance of reconciliation. She sounds like she'd fall right back into her pattern of doing the same things in the first place. Not until you both can meet on an even level playing field should the idea of reconciliation even be toyed with at this point. 1
Flowerchildfala Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 (edited) This sounds like really unhealthy behaviour. She threatens to leave you if she doesn't get her way and you chase her. She seems really immature and no way is marriage a good idea with her. Don't let your guilt make you do something silly. She needs to know there are consequences for her actions and you have had enough. I used to stop talking to me ex when I was upset and he told me it was immature and that he wasn't going to put up with that behaviour. You know what? I stopped doing it and even though we broke up for other reasons later I have to thank him for putting his foot down as it has helped me improve my communication skills and has been great for my future relationships. I'm married now and this behaviour will only destroy a marriage. Edited May 15, 2017 by Flowerchildfala Typo 1
hestheone66 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Well, I guess what I'm trying to find out if that means i don't love her since I somewhat turned down her attempt at reconsiliation. I almost wonder if i give her fair enough warning that she was on her final straw. Ridiculous I know, but that's what the guilt centers around. I have to admit, after I've been with someone for a long time, i have a huge soft spot for them. The things she was saying in our phone conversation the other night. Claimimg I wanted to be single from day 1 with her, she tried hard, tried to set up counseling, etc Kind of got to me, even though I know she has a history of throwing out ridiculous Points in her rants. This whole thing is just playing tricks with my mind. You can love someone and not be with them. You can love someone but you should love yourself more. Moving her aside will give room for someone much better suited to appear which can't happen while hope and guilt loom like a dark, life sapping cloud.. Choose the future by learning the lessons your past has taught you and keep moving step, by baby step away from turmoil, hurt and drama.. 1
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