s13 Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Here's my story: My girlfriend and I had been together for 2 & half years and were living together. Things seemed be great, maybe too great, and then she told me she was having mixed feelings about our relationship. She felt things were getting too comfortable. Well, I was absolutely heart-broken. I thought our life together was great. I was going to ask her to marry me once she was finished with nursing school, but that's not for another 2 years. I don't know if it's because she's only 23 and I'm 26. Well, it's been almost 2 months since we broke up. However, we still talk about once a week. She tells me she hasn't just moved on, but she wants to think about things. I think there's a lot going on in her life right now. For example, her sister can't keep a job and is living with guy that just got out of prison. She's tearing the family apart. She said the only thing she's sure about right now is going to school. But the other night, I went to see her at her place and then we went to dinner. She called me yesterday and wants to meet later in the week. What it comes down to is, I want to see her and I can stay friends if I know there's a chance we'll get back together again. But at the same time I don't want to get played and look like an idiot for caring. Any advice?
Jaime03 Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 She sounds like a sensible girl and it seems like she is being truthful to you. Be her friend, show her you are there for her no matter what. Be honest though and tell her because you want to protect yourself too. Let her know that you want to be back with her, if you havent already but dont pressure it. Do it in a subtle way, dont seem desperate. Give it some time, see what she has to say when you meet her. U are not an idiot for caring. No one should ever make you feel like that. Just be honest and everything will work out like it is supposed to.
Marshbear Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 She feels guilty for dumping you and wants to keep in contact to lessen the blow. Women play this game all the time. You say you want to say friends and hope something will develop. When people break up rarely do they stay friends and even rarer do they get back together. But ask her. Tell her you want to stay friends but you still want her and you will be waiting for her. She will probably tell you not to and the friendship will die a slow death. Maybe I'm wrong but I doubt it.
westernxer Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear Maybe I'm wrong but I doubt it. You're not.
Fallen_Angel Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 You're not going to look like an idiot, but you may feel like one eventually... Part of me agrees with Jaime, and part of me agrees with Marshbear. Basically, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. I understand and admire your willingness to offer your friendship to your ex, but at the same time it will cause you a lot of pain. How do you feel when you're around her and you can't kiss her, hold her, say I love you and such like you used to? Can you really sustain an actual friendship, one that's beneficial to BOTH of you, when you're feeling this way? One of my friends put it very well when she said it makes no sense to keep up the pretense of a friendship - your ex decided to officially end the relationship, but by maintaining a friendship she's allowed to keep certain aspects of what you had, ie. your support and such. She gets what she wants, and she no longer has the responsibility of a relationship. Harsh, yes, but true. In the end it all comes down to what you're willing to put up with. Do you want the immediate pain of cutting her out of your life for the time being (until you're comfortable enough to be friends, when your underlying motive isn't resuming the relationship - which, when you think about it, could never be the same after she's hurt you like this), or do you want the slow, agonizing torture of "friendship"?
Author s13 Posted August 2, 2005 Author Posted August 2, 2005 Thanks for the advice so far. It's so hard to let go because I love her so much. My gut says its not over yet, but I don't know what the future holds. The situation is confusing because she did tell me once she's afraid that when she's ready to come back I won't be there. In a way, I almost look forward to that because then I'll know I'll have gotten past her. Right now, I'm just looking forward to starting my new job on Monday and moving into a new place with a buddy of mine. It's so hard right now because I'm in a transition phase. I'm staying in a friend's extra bedroom for now and finishing up at my old job this week. Hopefully, there will be light at the end of the tunnel once I get myself established. I have some decision making to do and it won't be easy either way. I will never understand why they rip your heart out and then want to be friends.
upsetnhurt Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 S13.......if things were so great and this is how your relationship turned out with her......what makes you think that she won't ever do this to you again in the future shoudl you both get back together? That is a sticking point for me here....the trust is completely shattered and she has caused this damage. How can you ever trust her not to do this again, especially when even greater issues will come up together if you choose to pursue this down the road. Start NC.......she knows how you feel about her. Every hear the saying "Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" Fallen Angel was right in that she is simply going to be content with your support and friendship and will never come to realize how much she misses you.
Fallen_Angel Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Yay for new stuff! I too started a new job recently, though I have to say it was a blessing to be at my old job in the first few weeks after the breakup. I was left alone most of the time, and I for the most part needed the time to myself to cry (ie. escape down the hall!) and stare off into space when necessary. I started my new job about 2 weeks or so after all of the shock finally wore away, and it has been awesome in that I've had SO much to learn and grow accustomed to. During the day I don't have a lot of time to think of things aside from work, much less my ex!!! (Plus, this new place has tons more people...and one very cute guy...but I digress.) I'm not going to lie to you; of course it won't be easy to let go. I don't think it's possible to randomly wake up one day and say "Well, I don't love you anymore" unless you don't have a heart to begin with. You'll have to learn to take it all one day at a time. Why does she want to stay friends? I'd like to believe it's solely because she's a good person who feels terribly about hurting you. While I'm sure this does somehow factor into it, her "fear" is obviously the other reason. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. (I should repeat this to myself!) DON'T be her backup plan. You DESERVE someone who loves you enough not to hurt you like this. We're all here for you. I'm wrestling with the whole friendship issue myself, and it totally sucks @$$.
Marshbear32 Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 Originally posted by MIB Beg her back, if u really luv her Yea. Begging is always a real turn on. Right up there with watching paint dry...
fundamental Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 Originally posted by s13 What it comes down to is, I want to see her and I can stay friends if I know there's a chance we'll get back together again. But at the same time I don't want to get played and look like an idiot for caring. Any advice? s13, Your ex-GF might be sincere but she made the decision to let you go. Basically, you just got cut from the team, yet you are still playing for the team (acting like her boyfriend/friend)??? Now if you continue to do this, she will never realize how valuable you are...Now if you want to wait for her, that is fine but don't continue to act like the boyfriend. The only reason you want to maintain the friendship is because you want to show her that she made a bad decision. My motto: Be friendly but not a friend. If you really feel that you will get back together, enjoy your time apart, see other women, do the things you wanted to do before she came along, etc.
seachange Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear She feels guilty for dumping you and wants to keep in contact to lessen the blow. Women play this game all the time. Men too.
Author s13 Posted August 4, 2005 Author Posted August 4, 2005 I've actually been trying the friendly, but not being a friend role in a way. I haven't gone out of my way to contact her. I'll answer the phone if she calls. I went to dinner with her once. This is the hardest thing to go through. I want her back but, like said before, I don't want to be the backup plan. Thankfully, I've been keeping busy. I was able to go river rafting and see some kickas$ concerts in San Diego last weekend. Some friends of mine have a softball team I've been able to play on. Next week I start a new job, which I'm looking forward to. What's great about doing all these recent activities is I've been doing them because I want to, not because I want to keep myself busy and not think about her. It's funny, though, that she's the one that broke off the relationship yet I'm the one that feels I should change. Why do I feel as though I'm the one to blame when it wasn't my fault?
pippen_2k Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 Cause if you dump someone you feel nothing! You feel relieved and happy ( well this happened in my case once ) and you move on fast. If you get dumped you analysie EVERYTHING and EVERY possible avenue. You think you did things to lose her ( which may be true ) and you try to improve yourself... So in the end..if you dump someone, you dont do the full soul searching you do when you get dumped.
krystalboricua Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 hey it depends on how she wants it. if she wants friends then go wit that. i still talk to my ex's and they cool wit that. now do u love her? it's very hard to be friends wit someone u just dated and been wit but it is better to be friends then nuthin. so just teel her lets be good friends or maybe be friends wit benifits? u never know anythiing could happen? good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author s13 Posted August 17, 2005 Author Posted August 17, 2005 I wanted to send an on my current situation. I went to my ex's place yesterday and had dinner. It was really nice. We were able to have a normal conversation and just enjoy each other's company. Then we talked about us and she wants to try our relationship again. She wants to go slow and try to work on things that led to our break-up. I'm worried about starting again because we already lived together once. But it just feels like we can make our relationship work again. The only problem I see with trying again is bringing her back into my circle of friends. They saw how hurt I was and what this situation has done to me, but I love her so much. She seems to as well. Should I let something like this hold me back?
Iluvsiamese Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Fear and lack of trust are nasty things. Sometimes, the second time around works, but not often due to these very issues. You are less willing to put up or compromise for the sake of the relationship. It's called self-preservation. You just don't want to revisit the misery. I learned this the hard way and I almost never go back for a rerun. The thing is that 99% of the time, nothing has changed. If you go with this, do take it very slow. Don't reintroduce her to your circle of friends right away. Give it some time. I would also let her do the chasing. It will help her make up her mind about how much she wants this. Not knowing after this length of time would make me wonder. Consider yourself fortunate to have friends like these--they are concerned for you. These are the kind of friend who will watch things and when they see a red flag, will give you a heads up. Listen to them.
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