He ended it but now doesnt know what he wants

[castell]

I've never posted in one of these forums before but I feel so confused I'd just like an outside perspective.

 

To make the story as short as possible, me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago. We had been best friends for about 3 years before the relationship, and it was the healthiest and happiest relationship I'd ever experienced, we were together just over a year.

 

In February, I suggested that I may do a year abroad somewhere, and that I'd like to stay together if he wanted to as he had commitments here and wouldn't be able to go with me, whereas I have finished college and wanted to go travelling. Basically a few months after that he started acting distant and I kept asking him if something was wrong, to which he replied we were just in a comfortable stage of the relationship and that I had nothing to worry about.

 

Fast forward to two weeks ago, He told me that he had been feeling very low and he has had depression in the past, so I picked a day for us to sit down and talk it out as he's not great at expressing his emotions. He basically told me that he had started to convince himself that because I was leaving (I hadn't booked anything, nothing was set in stone) he needed to end it so I wouldn't have to worry about him and that he felt if I was leaving in the first place, I didn't love him as much as I had said.

 

Over the two weeks I've tried to give him as much space as possible, as he said he didn't actually want to break up and that he still loves me, and was visibly devastated when we did break up that night. He is now going away for 2 months at the end of June, putting a huge block to any reconciliation.

 

What I don't understand is that he keeps saying he doesn't want me to not go and that he doesn't want me to wait around for him, but he doesn't actually know what he wants. He has been texting me asking how my final exams went and today I told him I cannot keep up the communication as it's hurting me because I don't know where we stand. He was upset and said that he cant make a decision right now and that he needs more time, and would contact me in 2 weeks or so. It's his first relationship so I feel that he doesn't understand what the consequences really are, whereas I have been through two awful break ups before.

 

I don't know what to think. He says he still loves me and he wants to be with me, but then says because he got these ideas into his head about me going away that he's scared they wont go away. I have said to him that I will not go, not solely based on the break-up, but that I didn't exactly think of the consequences of leaving for a year and do not feel I'm ready as a person yet. He says that me asking him over the months why he wasn't as affectionate and seeing me upset made him feel bad about himself so now he associates the relationship with feeling negative, but he was the one who brought all of this on himself and chose to not communicate his real feelings to me, despite me asking continuously.

 

Is he confused? is he trying not to hurt my feelings? Should I just sit and wait for a text in a few weeks or just think the worst and move on? if anyone has any perspective on this or has been through something similar, please let me know.

 

Thanks

[CptCodi]

To give you a short answer, he's insecure, confused and doesn't know what he wants. He's trying to do the right thing by letting you go and experience life, but he doesn't want to be selfish and tell you to stay to be with him.

 

In my opinion, from what you've told me, it sounds like he isn't secure and confident enough to let you go on an adventure and experience with out him. However, he should also want to be apart of that experience. So, it can complicated.

 

If my SO wanted to go somewhere for a month, depending on where it was, and what she would be doing would depend on whether I wanted to go or if I was even able to go. But, I would never stop her from going as long I knew she had every intention of coming back to me to tell me all about her adventure.

 

I hope that helps, I'd be happy to answer any other questions you have.

[preraph]

Sounds like you've got bigger problems than just you traveling for a year. I mean, you still have not gotten to the bottom of the preexisting problem of him acting nonaffectionate lately. So that's what you need to address. And him blaming YOU for bringing it up. You know him, so what's the matter with him that he has been shutting down on you? Have you considered that you've become (these are just questions to ask yourself -- I have no idea) more of a mother or sister figure so the romance is dying. That happens when one person has too "parent" the other, like taking care of them like they're a child because they aren't doing half of the chores, things like that. Does he have depression or anything else mental you know of apart from what he's unfairly blaming you for? Has he had a trauma in the last year? Have you considered that you might be codependent rather than 'in love'?

 

If he won't communicate, you have no future. So in the meantime, darn if I'd let him stop me from exploring the world or following my dreams and goals, even if he does it at the same time as telling you he doesn't want to stop you -- but he does.

[Emotion]

Hi Castell,

 

Welcome to the forum and being brace to post here. I also joined not long ago. I agree completely with Cptcodi. Sound analysis. I would contribute an additional point: my opinion is that most important question to ask yourself is what more important to you. Your relationship or you traveling for the year? I recommend you using 10/10/10 method to help you decided. So, why is this important? Because you MUST be able to live with the decision. If there is any doubt of potential regret, even if you stay the relationship will not work out. Why? Potentially if you were to argue in the future this may come up driving a deep wedge which cannot be repaired.

 

Ca vet at, life is rarely as black and white in its decision making. In the event your answer is both are equally important and the relationship/ your ex negative self talk has degraded the relationship past saving. I would do the following focus on how you will make this work. Make it real! Write it down, set goals, MAKE time in both your caldenars of when you'll visit and lastly simply do it! Stick to the plan! Long distance is hard for a numbers of reasons and know the stats are against you. But that doesn't mean it has to fail. I'm simply saying be prepared (ex too). You wondering how to prepare? My tip is close your eyes and visualise a time when you have been mentally and physically exhausted. Do you still have the will to commit to that phone call you both agreed on? If both can answer yes then their is a higher rate of success.

 

I wish you all the best

 

-E

[castell]

Thank you so much for your advice. Its been 3 days since we had said we would not speak anymore. I've started to feel that yes, he is insecure and does not understand what he wants, but it is also killing me not being able to contact him.

 

@CptCodi - In my eyes now I feel that because its been nearly 3 weeks and his perspective hasn't changed or nothings become clear, he must not care that much about me in the first place? A friend also told me today that him saying "I need more time to think about" consequently means no. I don't want to be with someone who does not value me to the same degree that I value them, and this view is what (currently) is getting me through.

 

@preraph - I feel that he was acting unaffectionate because of the thought process that had started in his head; the "she must not love me if she is leaving", "she's better off without me", "prepare for her to be gone", kind of thing. I had no idea of this at the time but now that I've had time to think.. I feel that these kind of thoughts may have subconsciously made him distant towards me and disconnected. I wish I had some sort of inkling at the time.

 

I still want to travel, but my loyalty lies with him and I would be willing to compromise on a situation we are both satisfied with. I just genuinely am so confused because my mind is telling me to move on due to his indecisiveness and all my friends saying that he isn't giving me a straight answer is bad news and purely for his benefit. However I have known this guy years before we even got together and I do believe he is an extremely empathetic and good person.

 

If he does not contact me before he leaves for the summer, should I just keep my head up and move on? Or should I text him and ask to see him? We have both said we don't feel the relationship is truly over forever - but I don't know if I'm kidding myself.

Edited May 16, 2017 by castell

[Lauradlou]

I am really sorry about your situation. If I were you, I would go on your trip abroad. I think that time and distance apart could be a really positive thing. When you get back you can reassess the situation. Best of luck to you and I will be praying for you!

[spiderowl]

It sounds to me as if he loves you, is attached to you, and then was shocked when you said you were going away for a year. He is kind enough to know he should not try to stop you but feels you must not love him if you want to go away for a year without him. I suspect his withdrawal of affection is an attempt to protect himself from getting even more involved with you. He is trying to avoid the pain of separation or the pain of knowing he has interfered with your plans and freedom. No wonder he is confused and no wonder you are confused.

 

If I am right, this guy wants you around now, not in a year's time when he fears you might have found someone else anyway. It is up to you what you decide to do with your life, what matters most to you at the moment. Living your life is important, opportunities to travel are important, relationships are important. If it is not possible to travel with him, then you have to decide where your priorities lie.

 

I can say that if I were in his position, I would be withdrawing from the relationship. I would not want to get more involved. If my partner wanted to go abroad for a year without me, then he would clearly not be as involved as me. 'Rational' or not, that is how it would feel and feelings dominate relationships. It's that simple.

[SpecialJ]

I'm going to offer a different perspective from the other posters here. I believe from your details that you are rather young -- maybe 22 or 23? The opportunity to travel for a year doesn't come up often in life. If you don't go, plus you don't marry him, you're more likely to regret not going.

 

If he is depressed and insecure, he's likely to feel like you're going to grow on this adventure and leave him behind. Maybe it's true, maybe not. If you think there's a real chance you could marry him, you can try better communicating to him why you want to go and what you want to get out of it. You can make a game plan and end date (I'll go for 6 months, you come visit me for x amount of time, when I get back I'll want to take y next step in our relationship, etc). Be sure to ask about his needs in a relationship, too.

 

If you're young, it may not work out anyway. But if you love each other, this isn't impossible. I've seen long distance work if both partners are committed and there's an end date. I don't think "I need to think about it" necessarily means no, especially if his words and actions usually match up. I think it means what he says.

 

I also don't think you wanting to leave means you don't love him enough -- unless you want space to explore opportunities with other potential partners. If you have a solid foundation, I'd try a little harder to communicate with him about the difficult stuff before you stay no contact and give up. Who knows, it may bring you closer, it may reveal he's too immature at this time or not the right guy for you.

 

Good luck