Triggered

[alsudduth]

Most of the time I love the memories that social media likes to remind me of. Two days ago though I had a memory pop up, I can't remember exactly what it was, but my H had commented at the time something to the effect of "looks like I'll have to find a new mom for the kids" in a joking manner. It's not so much the joke looking back on the timeline, it's that he made the comment in the midst of planning with the OW to leave me. Of course I didn't know that at the time, but seeing it now has me feeling super down in the dumps the last couple days.

 

It's also that time of the month coming up, so I am also more emotionally prone. Anyways, I know it will pass and I don't want to take it out on my H since we are putting things in the past, but wanted to get my thoughts out.

 

Support welcome / ideas to lessen the hurt or frequency of triggers?

[dichotomy]

There is no magic bullet. When these things come up, I -

 

1) Try to avoid my wife. She feels hurt when I do this but its better then blowing up at her over it - and she often just feels I am moody over something else (work, issue at home, health) then her actual betrayals or other things she is/has done to trigger. Ignorance on her part is good as I can't keep bring it up all these years later.

 

2) Mediation/relaxation. Breathing, empty mind. There are techniques for this on line. I learned one in yoga that I use in stressful situations.

 

3) Searching for a positive image or event in your life to "replace" the one stuck in your head. Something happy or that makes you grateful. Focus hard on it - as the trigger or other negative emotion wants to stay. You could also look at some pictures or videos or things that make you happy. Hug your kids, dog, etc.

Edited May 14, 2017 by dichotomy

[NTV]

You can always bring it to him. Your husband might see it as an opportunity to show how he's changed and provide comfort.

 

all triggers suck. Not so gentle reminders not to trust.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Most of the time I love the memories that social media likes to remind me of. Two days ago though I had a memory pop up, I can't remember exactly what it was, but my H had commented at the time something to the effect of "looks like I'll have to find a new mom for the kids" in a joking manner. It's not so much the joke looking back on the timeline, it's that he made the comment in the midst of planning with the OW to leave me. Of course I didn't know that at the time, but seeing it now has me feeling super down in the dumps the last couple days.

 

It's also that time of the month coming up, so I am also more emotionally prone. Anyways, I know it will pass and I don't want to take it out on my H since we are putting things in the past, but wanted to get my thoughts out.

 

Support welcome / ideas to lessen the hurt or frequency of triggers?

 

I cannot speak for your husband...but i can tell you how i feel.

 

First...I am very aware of the things that trigger john....a movie...a tv show...a car commercial...whatever....and i am also uncomfortable because i know it caused him pain....and I also see it in his face...his eyes...his demeanor.

 

So I think it is VERY important that the betrayed spouse TELLS the wayward the things that cause the triggers if they are not aware...and new waywards who do not yet fully understand remorse.... have not devloped those skills like an older wayward has....so he might need to be gently REMINDED...this hurt and you caused that hurt.

 

I always reach out to John...honey are you ok?....can I do anything for you? and i always...take his hand. I often hug him....and I always look him in the eye and tell him I am so sorry.

 

Triggers grow less frequent and last a shorter period of time the more you ADDRESS them. The more your wayward helps you through them.

 

I suspect...they will always happen to some degree....after all a trigger is a memory. But the reaction to them can certainly get better.

 

The sad thing is we cannot always control our environment to protect ourselves from them...like social media...like driving....like TV.

 

I think in the last couple of years...we have also purposely FACED the things that we know cause them.

 

John used to trigger every time he passed the road the OM lived on...and he passed it twice a day...to and from work. He began turning on the road to go to a particular wine store...on purpose...and there are other wine stores he could go to of course. I honestly think he is trying to face his demons and I respect him so much for doing that.

 

Anyway....I am so sorry you feel bad....and I hope your wayward helps you through the triggers. If it helps you...I say stupid things too....i am just not thinking and i will say something and i see the pain cross his face....it is then that i wish i could cut my tongue out......

[GoldenR]

Wouldn't he understand? I mean...I'm assuming he triggers as well, right?

[deadsoul]

Most of the time I love the memories that social media likes to remind me of. Two days ago though I had a memory pop up, I can't remember exactly what it was, but my H had commented at the time something to the effect of "looks like I'll have to find a new mom for the kids" in a joking manner. It's not so much the joke looking back on the timeline, it's that he made the comment in the midst of planning with the OW to leave me. Of course I didn't know that at the time, but seeing it now has me feeling super down in the dumps the last couple days.

 

It's also that time of the month coming up, so I am also more emotionally prone. Anyways, I know it will pass and I don't want to take it out on my H since we are putting things in the past, but wanted to get my thoughts out.

 

Support welcome / ideas to lessen the hurt or frequency of triggers?

 

 

I'll be reading this too as my H is going through this big time. But yeah, that time of the month can make you more emotional about things... but still. It's best to talk to him and tell him how you're feeling.

[Unforseen]

My WW is at the point now where she is paying a great deal of attention to me. Usually ant triggers for me present as a sudden change in attitude. I'm might get sullen and silent or upset or even try to avoid her for seemingly no reason. When she notices that change she will ask if I'm ok and generally check on me. As opposed to before when she wouldn't be able to listen as I let her know I was being triggered and what it was stirring up in me, now she is able to calmly listen and offer whatever comfort she can. She usually tries to touch me or hold my hand or hug me as that is my #1 love language. She no longer gets defensive but instead is learning to empathize with me.

 

That helps me with the intinsity and duration of the triggers. The frequency has also gone down since she started using that approach. The more we have talked over things and the safer I feel with her the less frequent the episodes of triggering have become. Well maybe that's not quite right. I still have mini-triggers pretty regularly but they don't quite have the urgency and I'm more likely to remain in a state where I can still act like everything is fine until my WW and I have a chance to discuss them. That's where journaling has been helpful. I can sort of get the negativity out of my system for a bit yet having it written down let's me remember to pull those feelings out later, at a more opportune time, to discuss with my WW.

 

Either way it has been communication and not trying to bottle everything up that has helped the most. I spent too much time being ashamed of those feelings and thinking that they weren't worth anyone's trouble to share.

[alsudduth]

Thanks!

 

I spent most of the day at a friends with our kids by the pool. My H didn't want to go. I didn't push it since I felt the space might be good.

 

When we got home, I (semi) teasingly asked to go through his phone. After I had gone through it, he asked if there was anything concerning that I saw. I told him not really, but he could tell I was still upset. So I told him about the memory that triggered me and told him about how I didn't want to bring it up so as not to take it out on him, but that it's made me feel pretty insecure the last couple of days.

 

He put his hand on my arm and squeezed my hand. He said something like "stupid FB memories" and asked if a there was anything he could do. I told him no, that it would pass, but that that was why I've seemed off.

 

I asked him if he has any specific memories or triggers that make him upset again over my own infidelity and he said no. He said that he gets insecure sometimes, but that it doesn't have anything to do with my affair. I told him if ever he does that I hope we can talk about it together.

 

You guys were right about bringing it up to him. I am already feeling better.

[Unforseen]

Well done alsudduth! I am very happy for you! THE biggest problem my W and I had before the A was that lack of communication. We were not open with eachother at all about how we were feeling. Or if we did share it usually involoved a fair amount of yelling, anger, and hurtful words. It is now what we put the most effort into since really getting on track with our R. It has made things so much better between us that it's silly.

 

Keep up the healing and continue to cultivate the love between you and your H.

[merrmeade]

Of course I didn't know that at the time, but seeing it now has me feeling super down in the dumps the last couple days.

Isn't this what's meant by "Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving"?

 

I figure I'll be doing that for the rest of my life because every time some past event is recalled because of a reminder or trigger, I realize some new aspect of his absence, lack of attention or simply HIS lack of memory about what was going on with me during that time.

 

It's a super bummer, especially knowing that he doesn't think about all these things or have any awareness of how I might be taking it.

 

And it "keeps on giving" because it's different each time because you know a little more than the time before.

[Mrs. John Adams]

 

You guys were right about bringing it up to him. I am already feeling better.

 

 

One step at a time....I am so happy he responded well and you felt his support.

[wmacbride]

Most of the time I love the memories that social media likes to remind me of. Two days ago though I had a memory pop up, I can't remember exactly what it was, but my H had commented at the time something to the effect of "looks like I'll have to find a new mom for the kids" in a joking manner. It's not so much the joke looking back on the timeline, it's that he made the comment in the midst of planning with the OW to leave me. Of course I didn't know that at the time, but seeing it now has me feeling super down in the dumps the last couple days.

 

It's also that time of the month coming up, so I am also more emotionally prone. Anyways, I know it will pass and I don't want to take it out on my H since we are putting things in the past, but wanted to get my thoughts out.

 

Support welcome / ideas to lessen the hurt or frequency of triggers?

 

triggers really are unwelcome, but they do happen.

 

The goo thing is that it can be turned around. Talk to your husband and explain that you are not trying to make him feel bad or guilty, but you wanted to talk about the trigger. He can help you work through it, and it does get better.

 

If the trigger is a specific place, such as a restaurant they went to or a park, take it back Go there with your husband and have a fantastic time. Make new memories to help replace the painful ones. Just keep in mind that triggers are normal, and while they may be very painful, they will lessen with time. It's kind of like how the arm you broke as a kid can still sometimes ache when it gets rainy. It's an annoying reminder that you can deal with.