Should I pursue him for a third date? Too pushy?

[olasp]

Should I pursue him for a third date? Too pushy?

I met a guy online, we talked for 2 months before meeting without calling, and told me he was nervous to see me. I tried to initiate a day but he was unavailable. He is really busy with work as he's a businessman but wrote me a couple of times/week. I'm suffering from depression, which he doesn't know, so I'm feeling a little off and am afraid that scares people..

 

When we were writing, he seemed totally into me. Asked me out for a date on a weekend but he wasn't sure which day he was free so he would get back to me. I didn't hear from him in the weekdays that week, then I wrote on Friday night and he asked me to write again tomorrow so we could make plans. We did, and had a great dinner which he paid and called a cab for me, and asked me to see me tomorrow at his place. The next day he texted thanks and the same did I, and asked him how his night out was afterwards. But he didn't ask me any question, nor invited me to come and I didn't want to be pushy. Texted him later that I didn't know if i seriously wanted to see me today, and made sure I didn't ignore him.

 

Several days later he asked me to see him the day after, and I waited for him to invite me with a time but he never did. I wrote at 8 o'clock that evening to see if he still wanted to see me. He had been working hard but still it was fine that we could see each other. I came there at 10 o'clock and felt so awkward to be bothering him that late, had regrets about not initiating details before, thought about it the hole evening as we watched a movie, without kissing. It blocked me from having feelings to him and I was unsure if I wanted another date.. He was going to travel and I asked him to have a nice trip a couple of days later which he seemed to appreciate.

 

Its been 4 weeks since we last met, he has been traveling and worked away. Every week from that I have been initiating contact, and he asked me very few questions back. Why? Is he not into me or is he just sure I like him and saving the talk for later? 2 weeks ago I asked him to my place for a barbecue and dessert. And he said "Of course :)" and then "We decide a date when it fits both ;)" So I felt calm knowing that, but it bothers me that we can't decide a date right away because of his busy lifestyle.. I have kept asking him about his weekend twice and get rejected (even though I know for sure he's busy with work or his kid). Now I really want to see him again, but I'm afraid I haven't really showed my real me.. Should I stop writing and ask if he's free this week and wait until he'll write me?? Is he playing hard to get? I admit, in the beginning I didn't initiate, but now I'm feeling too pushy..

 

In the last text he explained he was taking care of his kid last weekend. I said that I understand and that's fun for him to have company. He said "haha yes absolutely, but there could be more fun things to do ;)" I said "Like what ;)" Then he didn't answer. I though he meant that it would be fun to see me as well. But since he didn't answer, did he reject me, or is it just a complicated question? Maybe he just want some space, until we meet next time. Or is he thinking that the game is now in my hands? The guys I've dated before are more forward in their personality and statement than this one, so maybe I just don't seem to get a grip of it.. I get so mixed signals.

Edited May 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Superchicken]

I see no reason why you don't get in contact with him.

Nothing too long, just a catch up conversation, and health check on him and the kids, etc.

Keep it brief, simple, and mention if he's able to break free for a get together.

If he um's and ar's, then, make no further contact, until he reaches out for contact.

However, you may want to rethink someone that leaves you in the dark, or at least, describes what he wants, or what you want moving forward.

 

 

A few things to rack your brain with..

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

Ted.

[d0nnivain]

You can ask him for a date. There is nothing wrong with that in principle. However, this guy doesn't seem all that interested. Busy businessmen know their own schedules & make time for what's important to them.

[Kamille]

You have asked him out for a date. You have initiated most if not all the conversations for the last 4 weeks.

 

This guy is not interested.

 

I'm sorry. I know that is not what you want to hear. But I've been rejected. It's better to just accept it and move on.

[act00]

It's really hard to date busy people. He seems interested, but he obviously has priorities and obligations which make it difficult to date as often. You, on the other hand are not nearly as busy, so you feel it. It is bothersome to me that he can't really plan slightly in advance. This could be a red flag. The question is, can you continue long-term with this type of arrangement? The longer you know him, the more he will incorporate you into his life including his child, which will help increase the amount of time you can spend together. The reality is, if he is unable to give you the time you want and need, you may have to move on to someone who can, but right now, I think that he's worth your time, and hopefully as you know each other more, he will create more time to see you. You may have to do more bending to accommodate him. I'm kind of in the same position as you right now, and for me, he's a keeper, so I'm trying to be patient and see how things progress.

 

When he said that there "could be more fun things to do" with a wink, I suspect he was talking about sex or at least a good make-out session. He didn't answer because he doesn't want to be too forward or doesn't want to spell it out for you. You either got it or you didn't, and you didn't. It doesn't mean he's not interested in you, it just means his comment blew straight over your head. He might be worried you're not interested, but everyone suffers this insecurity in a new relationship.

 

Text him or call with some catch-up conversation during the week, which hopefully he will as well, and this will let him know you are interested. Keep that communication open until you get to see each other in person.

[olasp]

Thanks for your answers.

 

I just don't understand how someone can write that he would love to see me again with flirty emojis, and then just be quiet..

 

I'm more like telling guys: We'll see, I might be busy for a while.. or something like that.

[preraph]

When he said other things to do and you said Like what, he meant sex. I don't know what you're like but he's a grown man and he seems lukewarm and I think he may sense you are not going to be someone he can just have sex with and not feel obligated to, so it may not be a good match.

[olasp]

When I answered with "Like what " with a wink, I just wanted him to open up and talk about what he thinks about me..

[Sara1989]

Thanks for your answers.

 

I just don't understand how someone can write that he would love to see me again with flirty emojis, and then just be quiet..

 

I'm more like telling guys: We'll see, I might be busy for a while.. or something like that.

 

He is not interested in you at all. If he was he be seeing you, he be texting you.

 

He is just a coward who cannot bring himself to say he does not want see you again.

[mortensorchid]

Just forget him. He's not interested, or he's not interested enough to put any effort into it. I have rules about these things. Many have come down on me for my rule posting, but they have proven to be right countless times despite what others have/have not responded to the stories related ...

 

1) 48 Hours - If you have not heard from the man within 48 hours of the first meeting face to face (be it OLD as a means to meet or otherwise), you will not hear from him again 90% of the time. He might call you a few days/a week later, you might have a second get together with him, but that's that. He really doesn't care whether or not you say yes or no. And that will be the last you will hear from him.

 

2) His confidence - You said in the story that he's nervous and awkward. He'll also be nervous and awkward in other situations (his work, around friends, around strangers, etc.). Do you want to be in the middle of that or be the one reassuring him at all times?

 

3) Effort - He's not lifting a finger to make contact with you. Why? Because he's not interested. A man who is interested bothers to contact you. He is excited about calling a woman rather than letting boredom or nervousness keep him from doing something otherwise. Why is he even agreeing to talk to you at all in any way, shape or form? Because he has nothing to do.

 

Years ago, I was on a website and met some guy that way. When I met him, I knew he was the most boring human on earth and he and I were not suited to each other AT ALL. In fact, I asked him what he did for fun and he said he needed something else to do other than play cards with his two friends. He didn't call me until four days after our meeting, I was lazy in returning his phone calls. We actually went out a grand total of 6 times, if you can believe that. And I admit freely that I used him to get free dinners because I didn't feel like cooking, but as far as using someone that was a minor way.

 

Sounds like you are on the same path. Bail.

[Loveair]

might have seen that you haven't, mostly it shows in your eyes.. You could explain your situation and the reason of your background for him. But wait a while, so he doesn't get used to you writing every week. Don't write any question, just a statement. 2 months texting is a long time and I'm sure that positive feeling back then is in the back of his head. It's possible to have a bad date, take a break, and still be able to be a couple in the future!

 

When you invited him for dinner and dessert, he should see it as a sign that you like him. This is a big compliment for a guy. He was positive (not neutral) about coming to see you again, but doesn't initiate contact. So he might wants to leave a door open to you, while he's looking for other women.

 

If he asked you out, he should follow it through, but make you involved in the planning. If there's a confusion, I think the man should take the lead and pick up the phone. After all, he's the busy one! And it almost felt like he did a test on you and I don't like that.

 

Don't analyse anymore, then you can't think straight. Continue life, and then think about what you want!

[Loveair]

It's hard to develop feelings when you have depression, he might have seen that you haven't, mostly it shows in your eyes.. You could explain your situation and the reason of your background for him. But wait a while, so he doesn't get used to you writing every week. Don't write any question, just a statement. 2 months texting is a long time and I'm sure that positive feeling back then is in the back of his head. It's possible to have a bad date, take a break, and still be able to be a couple in the future!

 

When you invited him for dinner and dessert, he should see it as a sign that you like him. This is a big compliment for a guy. He was positive (not neutral) about coming to see you again, but doesn't initiate contact. So he might wants to leave a door open to you, while he's looking for other women.

 

If he asked you out, he should follow it through, but make you involved in the planning. If there's a confusion, I think the man should take the lead and pick up the phone. After all, he's the busy one! And it almost felt like he did a test on you and I don't like that.

 

Don't analyse anymore, then you can't think straight. Continue life, and then think about what you want!

[CoolJoe]

Two months talking before meeting up?

 

Please don't do that ever again. In most cases, it never ends well. I try to meet up within the first 10-14 days. Anything after that it runs the course way too long.

 

A month since you last met... yeah, no on the 3rd date. That's way too long a gap. If a guy likes you, no matter how busy he is, he'll make time for you.

 

Cut your losses and move on I say.

[olasp]

Yes 2 months is a such a long time! Not what I'm used to.

 

He's working away during the weekdays and every second weekend he's taking care of his child and traveling in between. So I guess it's not looking as a good relationship anyways.. In between he said he's nervous to meet me, and "Give me an example for a day to meet, and he said "no that day I can't.. I said "It's better you decide about the day and time. As I try to respect him having a busy job.

 

So it's too complicated.. Interesting to see your different opinions in this.

[Dis]

I didnt even read the entire thread but...

 

Girl why are you letting this man have such an impact on yourself when hes barely pulling his own weight???

 

You're worrying, initiating dates, intiating convos, wishing him a good business trip, inviting him over to cook for him...

 

And what is he doing again???

 

Seems like a whole lot of nothing. He's not interested nor does he care to make an effort with you

 

I've recently learned not to judge a book by its cover and to give people a chance but I think you've read as much of the book as you needed to...time to close it

[olasp]

I didnt even read the entire thread but...

 

Girl why are you letting this man have such an impact on yourself when hes barely pulling his own weight???

 

You're worrying, initiating dates, intiating convos, wishing him a good business trip, inviting him over to cook for him...

 

And what is he doing again???

 

Seems like a whole lot of nothing. He's not interested nor does he care to make an effort with you

 

I've recently learned not to judge a book by its cover and to give people a chance but I think you've read as much of the book as you needed to...time to close it

 

I guess you're right, I have no other choice than to get over it.

In the beginning I didn't take the dating serious, later I realized I should make more effort because I started feeling for him, that's why it felt ok to show him some extra that I would like to see him again..

 

But now, I'm just thinking about saying sorry to him one day, only because during the 2nd date I thought too much about an ill family member who was a bit more sick that week which made me seem so absent.. (I should had postponed the date, but then I wouldn't have seen him in several weeks again. Feels like he deserves to know. I didn't tell him before because he wanted to see me again anyways, and it's a very sensitive subject to talk about. I just want people to think I have a stable life, and trying to live life as usual.. But this is a big thing I worry about.

 

Should I tell him? Not in a way as an excuse that I would like to see him, only as an explanation. Or maybe it will only take energy, and I rather move on.

[Dis]

I guess you're right, I have no other choice than to get over it.

In the beginning I didn't take the dating serious, later I realized I should make more effort because I started feeling for him, that's why it felt ok to show him some extra that I would like to see him again..

 

But now, I'm just thinking about saying sorry to him one day, only because during the 2nd date I thought too much about an ill family member who was a bit more sick that week which made me seem so absent.. (I should had postponed the date, but then I wouldn't have seen him in several weeks again. Feels like he deserves to know. I didn't tell him before because he wanted to see me again anyways, and it's a very sensitive subject to talk about. I just want people to think I have a stable life, and trying to live life as usual.. But this is a big thing I worry about.

 

Should I tell him? Not in a way as an excuse that I would like to see him, only as an explanation. Or maybe it will only take energy, and I rather move on.

 

He is not thinking about you being 'absent' that night and he is not thinking about you in any other way

 

You're giving all of this so much thought when he gives it none

 

No need to say a word

 

Just block, delete and move on