Cora Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 I went on a first date last night with a guy I met online. It was our first time meeting in person so not really sure you could call it a date. We met for ice cream. He is very sweet and nice and I did feel an attraction to him. The problem is I haven't been on a date in awhile and I was so nervous last night that I didn't even order any ice cream. He kept asking me if I was sure I didn't want any? The whole date felt like an interview and like I was in the hot seat the entire time even though I was asking him questions too. I felt like I was very closed off. He would ask me questions like what type of music do you like? I'd give very generic answers like "I like lots of different types of music." I don't know why it was so hard for me to open up. Maybe it was fear of rejection since I have been out of the game for so long. I don't know. I felt sick to my stomach during the entire date because of my damn nerves that I could not even enjoy the date. It was all very awkward and I just felt like I bombed the whole thing. After the date, he walked me out and we had a very awkward goodbye. I figured we would at least hug goodbye, but nothing. I was definitely too nervous to initiate a hug. The whole drive home I just felt sick. I figured he was either genuinely not interested in me or he sensed how closed off I was being that he decided to refrain from a goodbye hug. He did mention we should get together again soon, but he could just be being nice. I have not heard from him since either. All I know is that it was the most awkward date I have ever been on. I've been on good and bad dates before, but they always at the very least ended with a hug. I just don't know what to make of this except for just plain awkward.
BaileyB Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 It's not necessarily a bad thing, but that does sound like a pretty awkward date. I would try not to worry about it though. Just another experience that will help as you continue dating. Did you like him enough to see him again, if he contacts you again? And, assuming that he may contact you in the future, or you will go out on a date with someone else, you should really think about how to approach things differently such that you won't be so nervous next time. Dating is supposed to be at least a little fun...
Miss Spider Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 It's not a good sign, but it's not all lost necessarily. Your nerves may have made you seem more standoffish, so he didn't feel it was appropriate . He may have assumed you aren't interested in him. It wouldn't hurt to send him a message saying you enjoyed the date. You could even explain were a bit nervous. You said you're fresh back on the dating scene, so the first few dates may be uncomfortable for you. It can take practice or more like..desensitization.. Maybe work on building confidence. Don't be too hard on yourself.
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 If your nerves were as bad as you say, he picked up a negative vibe. He didn't hug you most likely because he was afraid you wouldn't want that kind of forward physical contact. After a 1st OLD meeting it's not so bad. The whole date sounds really awful from what you described. A good date is relaxed, filled with laughter & there's a connection. All I read from your post was stress, tension & nerves. If you actually want a 2nd date, you are going to have to initiate it. The guy may say no thank you because he was on the receiving end of your jitteriness. 2
joseb Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 The whole date sounds really awful from what you described. A good date is relaxed, filled with laughter & there's a connection. All I read from your post was stress, tension & nerves. Yeah why would you want another date? Being grilled interview style, sounds horrible.
act00 Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 He took you out for ice cream, but you didn't get any ice cream. You spouted generic answers and didn't really engage. You were a nervous wreck the whole time and appeared closed off and uninterested. And you expected a hug. You didn't do well, and I would not be interested in pursuing another date if my date behaved that way. You didn't even order a scoop - that was kind of the whole point. Go on a dinner date and not eat anything while your date does? Go out for drinks and not get a drink? That's super awkward. So yeah, no hug in your case is a bad sign. It's not always a bad sign, but definitely in your case it is. You came across as uninterested, and your body language certainly wasn't welcome or inviting. If you are interested in trying again, reach out to him. Apologize for being so awkward, and you would really like the opportunity to try again. This time you offer to pay, "My treat, if you give me a second chance." 4
SwordofFlame Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 Yeah it's a pretty bad sign. It means he didn't think the date went well and from what you described, I would have thought the same.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 No hug. No happy. You could try to reach out to him and let him know that you were anxious and nervous b/c it had been so long, but only if you feel it is worth a second try. He may not think so, but I doubt he will contact you.
mortensorchid Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 I think meeting someone for the first time that you have met online is Ground Zero. It's a meeting, not a date. But we call it a date because we don't have another word for it. Then your nervousness was not a good sign to him. Not knowing this guy at all, if I were in his shoes and I got the sense that the person was nervous or afraid of me or something else it makes me feel just as hostile. Once many years ago I was trying to engage someone in conversation and he kept laughing and twitching, I said "What's wrong?" He said "You make me nervous. I don't know what I'm doing with you." Needless to say, it did not come to a happy end. As for the no hug at the end, that meant he was not happy with you and you will not hear from him again. He's done. I've been out on OLDs with guys who were so rude that they actually walked away from me and said "Bye." Those were not my fault by any means, I could not imagine how they must treat other women. PUt this up to an experience, work on things within yourself to stop the nervousness, and move on.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 I think meeting someone for the first time that you have met online is Ground Zero. It's a meeting, not a date. But we call it a date because we don't have another word for it. In this case, I agree with you. Going out for ice cream falls into a 'non-date' for me. So, OP, perhaps you would like to make the next contact. For a proper date?
Author Cora Posted May 14, 2017 Author Posted May 14, 2017 Thanks all for the input. You guys have confirmed what I figured was true. The whole drive home I just felt mortified. Like a what the hell was I thinking moment and why do I do this every time. I truly believe I suffer from some degree of social anxiety, but I'm no doctor. I figured going on dates would help with this. Practice makes perfect type of thing. I tend to open up more and become more comfortable once I get to know someone. First dates/meetings are always a nervous wreck for me. When it comes to emailing, texting, messaging....any type of communicating that's not face to face, I'm fine. I can go on and on about myself in detail, but face to face I completely freeze up! I'd love to reach out to him even if only to be friends, but at this point I'm much too humiliated. I figure he's probably thinking "I hope to never hear from that girl again!" He deserves someone who can actually carry on a conversation with him anyway. With me it's like pulling teeth! Lol
preraph Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 If you are still under 20, your anxiety may get better but only if you push yourself out of your comfort zone. Do you have friends and are comfortable around your friends? Do you go out in pubic and do things with friends? If so, I think you can overcome your anxiety with guys. But if not or you'd rather stay in your room and don't really enjoy a social circle, you might ought to see a therapist and try to fix your anxiety if it's messing your life up. 2
Miss Spider Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 Maybe try CBT. It helps a lot of people with social anxiety. It can be crippling 1
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 Simply try putting yourself in more social situations. Go to some meetups, not to develop a romance but to get used to interacting with new people. Like anything else, the more you do it, the easier it gets
Author Cora Posted May 14, 2017 Author Posted May 14, 2017 If you are still under 20, your anxiety may get better but only if you push yourself out of your comfort zone. Do you have friends and are comfortable around your friends? Do you go out in pubic and do things with friends? If so, I think you can overcome your anxiety with guys. But if not or you'd rather stay in your room and don't really enjoy a social circle, you might ought to see a therapist and try to fix your anxiety if it's messing your life up. Yeah, I've been wanting to try therapy for awhile now. I'm 34 and don't think my anxiety is going to get any better unless I do something about it. Time to bite the bullet I guess. When it comes to friends, I don't have consistent ones. Just people I meet at work, but most of them I wouldn't call friends. I'm very selective of who I let in. I did have a couple of really good friends I used to work with. We went out quite often together. They really brought me out my my comfort zone. I got to a point where I felt like I could tell them anything. But one moved away and the other found a different job. We rarely speak to each other anymore. Making friends does not come easy for me.
Author Cora Posted May 14, 2017 Author Posted May 14, 2017 Maybe try CBT. It helps a lot of people with social anxiety. It can be crippling I really think CBT could be beneficial for me. I studied a lot about it when I was in school. One of the main reasons I wanted to study Psychology was to figure out what was wrong with me and why I was so different.
Author Cora Posted May 14, 2017 Author Posted May 14, 2017 Simply try putting yourself in more social situations. Go to some meetups, not to develop a romance but to get used to interacting with new people. Like anything else, the more you do it, the easier it gets I actually signed up for some meetups a couple years ago thinking they would help. I never ended up attending though. Just couldn't bring myself to do it for some reason. At my job I work with the public constantly, all day, everyday. I'm having to talk to people face to face all day long. Sometimes I get yelled at, cursed at and threatened. This is not my kind of job, but it puts me out of my comfort zone and I figured it would help, make me more social. But it hasn't because at the end of the day I just come home, turn off my phone and want to be left alone. Makes me not want to go out even more. I feel bad for what happened with that guy. I've since had another guy contact me and wants to meet up. I just don't think I can handle another meeting like I had the other night. I took down my profile on the dating site today. I don't think online dating is for me. Not sure if dating is even for me right now. Until I can sort out my anxiety issues I need to put a halt on this. It's not fair to the guys I meet.
Author Cora Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 Well, I sent him a text apologizing for my behavior and told him I really enjoyed meeting him. I got no response. So I guess my answer is pretty clear. He's not interested in me.
BaileyB Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 At least you tried - be proud of that! Learn from this experience and know that it gets a little easier with practice. Don't be discouraged... Take care. 1
Bastile Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I feel bad for what happened with that guy. I've since had another guy contact me and wants to meet up. I just don't think I can handle another meeting like I had the other night. I took down my profile on the dating site today. I don't think online dating is for me. Not sure if dating is even for me right now. Until I can sort out my anxiety issues I need to put a halt on this. It's not fair to the guys I meet. This just isn't how life works. You get better at dating by dating. You aren't going to get better at dating by going to the doctor. There is no therapist with a magic wand to wave. You very likely will "screw up" a few dates. And you need to be okay with making mistakes. It's a journey. You aren't going to go on a date and be really comfortable, if you haven't been on one in years. And avoiding this transition for another few years will make it worse - not better. You need to be far less hard on yourself. But you also need to confront the avoidance, imo. 1
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