What makes people only like people as friends and nothing more?

[ZayKayWill]

I have a friend who is a girl who I consider a best friend. She is very attractive both physically and emotionally. However, I have no romantic interest in her...at all. I did when I first met her, but as we got to know each other more I ended up only wanting friendship...I just don't understand that. She's a very attractive person but yet...it seems as if I personally am just not attracted to her...or something. If she were to say, "Let's have sex!" I would honestly probably turn her down unless I was a bit drunk...even then I still would probably turn it down...Any insight on this? If she's a best friend, wouldn't that make me all the more attracted to her and wanting to pursue a romantic possibility?

Edited May 13, 2017 by ZayKayWill

[somanymistakes]

Sometimes it's just chemistry.

[ZayKayWill]

Sometimes it's just chemistry.

 

That's the thing. We do have chemistry. We're practically exactly alike in terms of personality...

[littleblackheart]

I don't have insight as such, but it seems like a perfectly normal situation to me.

[ZayKayWill]

I don't have insight as such, but it seems like a perfectly normal situation to me.

 

But when you call someone of the opposite sex a best friend, doesn't that usually mean you want something more?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I have a friend who is a girl who I consider a best friend. She is very attractive both physically and emotionally. However, I have no romantic interest in her...at all. I did when I first met her, but as we got to know each other more I ended up only wanting friendship...I just don't understand that. She's a very attractive person but yet...it seems as if I personally am just not attracted to her...or something. If she were to say, "Let's have sex!" I would honestly probably turn her down unless I was a bit drunk...even then I still would probably turn it down...Any insight on this? If she's a best friend, wouldn't that make me all the more attracted to her and wanting to pursue a romantic possibility?

 

If you would, write a description here of her personality and appearance.

[littleblackheart]

But when you call someone of the opposite sex a best friend, doesn't that usually mean you want something more?

 

Not if you don't want to tear their clothes off lustfully.

 

I have a couple of male friends but all I want from them is friendship.

[ZayKayWill]

If you would, write a description here of her personality and appearance.

 

Tall black girl with dreadlocks...just like me. I'm black and have dreads too. Not nearly as tall as her, though. Super goofy girl yet incredibly intellectual. Pretty sure she's in school going for her MBA right now or something. Kind of what I would want in a partner honestly...loves video games and anime just like me...very tomboyish...doesn't have any 'lady like' tendencies really...if I had to give her an honest rating on looks I would give her maybe a 7.5. I met her during my semester abroad. Semester at Sea. A bunch of students basically lived on a small cruise ship for 3 and a half months while taking college credit. You would think it would have made that all the more romantic or something...anyway. That's how I met her and that's how she became one of my best friends. Such an awesome girl. It's funny how we first interacted. I had a shirt that said 'Puff Puff Pass" and she was all like, "That shirt is awesome!!!" xD

 

In all honesty I'm not all that attracted to black chicks but I was at the bar yesterday flirting with this really cute black chick...so it's probably not the fact that she's black...I just don't know...O_o

[ZayKayWill]

Not if you don't want to tear their clothes off lustfully.

 

I have a couple of male friends but all I want from them is friendship.

 

Do they see you in the same way? Most guys wouldn't turn down an opportunity for sex from a girl if it was handed to them. Notice how I said most guys, btw. Not all guys.

[littleblackheart]

Do they see you in the same way? Most guys wouldn't turn down an opportunity for sex from a girl if it was handed to them. Notice how I said most guys, btw. Not all guys.

 

No idea, but it never came up in the 19 years I've known them both.

[ZayKayWill]

No idea, but it never came up in the 19 years I've known them both.

 

Huh. So they never came onto you or suggested they wanted anything more or anything? That's pretty cool you don't see that often. Most guys would take any opportunity they would get, even if the chick wasn't all that attractive (not saying you're not attractive, just saying).

[LivingWaterPlease]

ZayKayWill, what came across to me in your description of her is that she's too much like you. Opposites attract. Also, I've noticed guys aren't as attracted to goofy types as gfs, they more get friend zoned.

[littleblackheart]

Huh. So they never came onto you or suggested they wanted anything more or anything? That's pretty cool you don't see that often. Most guys would take any opportunity they would get, even if the chick wasn't all that attractive (not saying you're not attractive, just saying).

 

There may have been a bit of flirting, but not enough to do anything about it. We've always been very good at respecting each other's boundaries, like good friends do. Also, we were never single at the same time.

[ZayKayWill]

ZayKayWill, what came across to me in your description of her is that she's too much like you. Opposites attract. Also, I've noticed guys aren't as attracted to goofy types as gfs, they more get friend zoned.

 

Eh I would honestly prefer to have a goofy girl with a crazy sense of humor like mine, but yeah she is very much like me and that was one of the reasons I was thinking maybe I don't have that attraction to her...opposites do attract but I always figured the more similar 2 people were the more that would make them want to be compatible together...what does make opposites attract anyway? Do you know?

[LivingWaterPlease]

No, Zay, not sure why opposites attract, just that it pretty much holds true. Also, imo there are all sorts of categories of goofy. Fun loving to me is different than goofy. And cute fun person is not same as silly fun person. There's a whole spectrum of goofy seems to me.

 

There are lots of fish in the sea but seems to me there aren't lots of fish we each match up with as a long term partner. People are complex and finding the one that suits you, and whom you suit, also, is an adventure and takes time!

[somanymistakes]

But when you call someone of the opposite sex a best friend, doesn't that usually mean you want something more?

 

Of course not. If so, that would imply you are a terrible friend.

 

(Because, yes, sometimes you want more with a best friend, but to imply that good friends ALWAYS means you actually want to be something totally different, makes you someone that shouldn't be considered friendly at all... it would imply that 'friends' for you is always just a lie.)

[ZayKayWill]

Of course not. If so, that would imply you are a terrible friend.

 

(Because, yes, sometimes you want more with a best friend, but to imply that good friends ALWAYS means you actually want to be something totally different, makes you someone that shouldn't be considered friendly at all... it would imply that 'friends' for you is always just a lie.)

 

I get what you're saying it's just when 2 people become partners usually it was because they were best friends first is what I was getting at. Usually when you're really good friends with someone of the opposite sex, you put them on a "Potential Partners" list and either you choose to keep them as friends or make it something more. So like, I have a lot of friends that are girls who I wouldn't mind sleeping with or maybe in the future seeing if we can become partners, but at the same time if all we remain is just friends, then that is completely fine, too. But I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I still kind of see potential in these friends even if I don't necessarily want to be with them immediately...hope that made sense...

Edited May 13, 2017 by ZayKayWill

[duncsvoice]

I get what you're saying it's just when 2 people become partners usually it was because they were best friends first is what I was getting at. Usually when you're really good friends with someone of the opposite sex, you put them on a "Potential Partners" list and either you choose to keep them as friends or make it something more. So like, I have a lot of friends that are girls who I wouldn't mind sleeping with or maybe in the future seeing if we can become partners, but at the same time if all we remain is just friends, then that is completely fine, too. But I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I still kind of see potential in these friends even if I don't necessarily want to be with them immediately...hope that made sense...

 

My partner is my partner because I fancied her, asked her out, and we had that all important chemistry. My best friend is my best friend, she's the opposite sex, and I have zero interest in jumping her bones, never have.

 

I don't think I've ever got with a female friend, namely because I don't view women as objects-to-be-shagged and don't put them on a 'yeah she's got potential, wouldn't mind ruining our friendship to see her naked' list.

[Overtaxed]

When a single guy really wants to be "just friends" with a woman, it's typically a huge age gap or he's just not at all attracted to her (he's way out of her league).

 

When a married man wants to be just friends, it's typically a tact to get you to let your guard down so he can be more than just friends.

 

Women? I have no idea how the determine "just friends" vs "lovers". If I knew, I'd be rich.

[thefooloftheyear]

They need something from you...

 

TFY

[Timshel]

TFY, your signature...'Never give up!' Winston Churchill springs to mind. I'm a big fan of perseverance. In many instances, this is the best way to navigate life successfully.

There are some situations however that reason has left the building and only something akin to a rabid animal is left.

Frothing over something best left alone or at least having a level of acceptance.

 

Which leads to the OP; chemistry is inexplicable and sometimes one sided. Personally, I've found that being straight forward and not afraid to close a door rather than leave it dangling precariously is a decent way to have opposite sex friendships.

My bf and I are best friends but the relationship led with a romantic foot first. There was never any confusion or ambiguity about what he wanted from me and vice versa.

I wouldn't say that romantic relationships never begin from friends only first...only that if it is romance that is wanted, better to be candid and take the chance from the beginning.

[preraph]

I think attraction is dictated by just about every part of our beings. I think genetics plays a part, survival plays a part, instinct; and then every influence from the time we are born, our parents, everyone we meet; and then media. It's a huge complicated ball of wax. And I have a hard time believing there also isn't something chemical about it, but since it relies so heavily on looks, not sure that's the main thing at all. You know, they have studies showing what type of music you like is chemical, something I always suspected. Energy frequencies. Who knows.