GAH! What the heck is wrong with women today?!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

I might be apt to believe you -- IF

 

she wasn't all over me.

she didn't constantly email me.

she didn't say the things she said.

 

I guess you had to be on the date and see how actively she pursued me

 

This doesn't surprise me at all. I know girls who are more than capable of blowing hot and cold in this way. Juliet herself did so to quite a scary degree, as you know - be grateful that this girl showed her colours now and not when you were halfway to the altar.

 

Since I know you're into reading, check out stuff on borderline personality disorder. The full-blown disorder afflicts a relatively small proportion of the population, but mild borderline traits can be found in a lot of women. By some estimates, even 15-20% of the female population. Certain guys have a tendency to attract them.

 

Whether or not borderline is part of the explanation in this case, you should definitely see that this girl has a problem with instability and not take it personally. Dating - as Mary3 rightly points out - as an interview process. Take it lightly. And include mental health and stability prominently on your checklist.

[Woggle]

It's typical female behavior. Just use them and throw them away when you are done.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by Woggle

It's typical female behavior. Just use them and throw them away when you are done.

 

Hey hey hey. That's like me saying that what you just said is typical man behavior. Thoughv some are like that., not all are. True, there are some retarded psycho girls out there, but not all of us are.

[lindya]

check out stuff on borderline personality disorder. The full-blown disorder afflicts a relatively small proportion of the population, but mild borderline traits can be found in a lot of women. By some estimates, even 15-20% of the female population. Certain guys have a tendency to attract them.

 

There you go, then. That's what's wrong with us

 

Seriously, off topic I know - but I worry about the burgeoning use of the term "borderline personality disorder", and often wonder where the line gets drawn with it. There's so much pressure on people to live up to certain ideals of human behaviour, achievement and physical appearance.... in addition to that, to have a distinct identity and to "be themselves". I know that pressure has always existed to a certain extent, but it has absolutely exploded over the past couple of decades.

 

No wonder 20% of the population (female or not) feels alienated and slightly disordered. I'm surprised the figure isn't higher, to be honest.

[d'Arthez]

The criteria of Borderline Personality Disorder, taken from DSM-IV.

 

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

 

To qualify you need to be diagnosed by a qualified professional, with a minimum of 5 criteria. Needless to say, that this is one of the most controversial diagnoses. In some ways it is the modern equivalent of neurasthenia (spelling?)and hysteria.

 

Some loose translations with absolutely no value in a professional setting whatsoever.

1. clingy person.

2. relationship-hopping.

3. -

4. almost the typical youth, if we may believe popular culture on the subject. Promiscous and spending money.

5. -

6. blowing hot and cold.

7. the typical symptom of a person in the Western world.

8. road-rage, anger issues.

9. the effects of taking some drugs at a club scene (of which you are unawares)

 

Talking about this in terms of someone possesing a few tendencies, does barely say a thing.

 

Back on topic: the common denominator in all these situations is you. It could be that you are attracted to women who seem to be somewhat disfunctional. Or perhaps you do have a problem with reading the meaning of the behaviors of these women? I don't know, I personally think the first option is the case.

Of course, you can have bad luck once, but when that bad luck becomes a stable pattern, it is highly likely that something else takes place, even though you are not aware of that.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by lindya

There you go, then. That's what's wrong with us

 

If the cap fits you, you can wear it

 

 

Seriously, off topic I know - but I worry about the burgeoning use of the term "borderline personality disorder", and often wonder where the line gets drawn with it.

 

DSM-IV, as d'Arthez says. Although a more recently explored disorder, it's one of the best researched in recent times. It exists.

 

 

There's so much pressure on people to live up to certain ideals of human behaviour, achievement and physical appearance.... in addition to that, to have a distinct identity and to "be themselves".

 

This isn't BPD. Borderline behaviour is about fear of abandonment and about going from full-on to full-off (and quite possibly back again). I brought it up to offer a possible explanation for the OP's bizarre experience with this girl. Idealisation followed by devaluation (see item no. 2 on d'Arthez's list) is very painful when you're on the wrong end of it.

 

 

No wonder 20% of the population (female or not) feels alienated and slightly disordered. I'm surprised the figure isn't higher, to be honest.

 

It is often said that instability in family structures is driving an increase in various personality disorders, including BPD.

[lindya]

It is often said that instability in family structures is driving an increase in various personality disorders, including BPD.

 

I appreciate that. The thing is that....whoops, am going off topic again. Am going to post about BPD in the water cooler.

[JS17]

she sounds retarded. you're smart to walk away. i hate it when guys act like this too. i don't know what's wrong with people these days.

 

....or she has a boyfriend

[alphamale]

actually COC....she did little wrong here. You came off as desperate and clingy and this is the kiss of death with women. Most of what you did is the opposite of what an independent and secure man would do.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by alphamale

she did little wrong here. You came off as desperate and clingy and this is the kiss of death with women. Most of what you did is the opposite of what an independent and secure man would do.

 

 

word

[Mz. Pixie]

COC-

 

I disagree with Alpha. I see nothing wrong with the way you approached this girl.

I don't think you looked clingy at all.

 

"Since I know you're into reading, check out stuff on borderline personality disorder. The full-blown disorder afflicts a relatively small proportion of the population, but mild borderline traits can be found in a lot of women. By some estimates, even 15-20% of the female population. Certain guys have a tendency to attract them"

 

My mother was BPD. I could write my own book on that subject!

 

Church is an excellent idea I think to meet people. There are also online christian dating communities. Would you rule out someone who had been married before or possibly had a child? Depending on why their divorced?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I disagree with Alpha. I see nothing wrong with the way you approached this girl.

I don't think you looked clingy at all.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

"Hey, I am not sure why you never showed for our date but whatever you're doing, I hope you're having fun."

 

So that made me mad so I went online and downloaded a copy of my call records that PROVE I called her twice on Sat.

 

You know what she says? She's p*ssed at me for leaving that on her desk at work. That is was "unprofessional" to do that so she doesn't want to see my anymore.

 

These are not actions of a man that is considered independent and secure

 

Clingy & insecure fits

[chris1063]

Originally posted by alphamale

actually COC....she did little wrong here. You came off as desperate and clingy and this is the kiss of death with women. Most of what you did is the opposite of what an independent and secure man would do.

 

Maybe i'm missing something here Alpha but what part of what CIOC did was desparate and clingy exactly ?

 

Or maybe i'm reading a different post ? Basically seems like the chick was up for it then wasn't but wasn't big enough to actually come out and say it and was looking to pass the blame onto him. Seems like he couldn't have done much more to me.

[lindya]

I thought the girl's behaviour was obnoxious. I also think, though, that if you've arranged to meet someone for a date then you only need to confirm once. Confirming twice can start to sound a little bit like "are you SURE you want to go out with me."

 

If guy called a couple of times to check that I was still coming out, I'd see that as slightly anxious behaviour - and I don't want someone to be feeling anxious in my company. I want it to be fun - and not something that necessarily needs to be planned with military precision either. So yes, maybe just take more of a "meet you at (time) at (location)...looking forward to it!" attitude next time.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by chris1063

Maybe i'm missing something here Alpha but what part of what CIOC did was desparate and clingy exactly ?

 

She shows up an hour late for our date. I tried calling her but she doesn't answer her phone.

 

I sent her not one but TWO emails confirming the date.

 

Saturday I roll in from my ride around 4:00 and leave her a voicemail on the number she gives me. I say "Hey, it's me. Just making sure we're still on for tonight. .

 

8pm rolls around, she isn't here. So I wait. At 8:30 I go ahead and order a pizza. By 9:20 I am getting angry so I call her again

 

She says she never received any voicemails from me (basically calling me a liar in that I never called). So that made me mad so I went online and downloaded a copy of my call records that PROVE I called her twice on Sat.

Above are the five major mistakes made by COC....

[clandestinidad]

OIOC, I cant believe someone would make up $h1t like that!!! I thought my sister was the only person who'd do things and then completely lie about them like that!!!! I'm so sorry you wasted your time w/ her...luckily it wasnt very much time, though. She's bizzare to say the least

[Neptune]

Absolultely bad behavior on her part. doesn`t matter if you were needy or whatever might have turned her off. But, the most important thing is to not focus on dating but yourself. Keep working on getting your act together. When you start putting too much energy directly into dating you are going to have to put of with a lot of flaky behavior.

[Mary3]

I still say you need to re-lax around women and stop reading those books. I gather that she felt you were feeling pessimistic in some sense on the date. Its not something you might even be aware of but it could be the vibes you send out.

 

The more casually you treat the date the better. Just relax and be yourself and if the date is not connecting with you , then well, she's just not connecting.

 

But those self help books can only do so much. Its the real world dating and many experiences and having FUN that counts. Dating should be fun. It should not be taken seriously until you come across someone very special.

 

I wonder ....do you have a sense of humor ?

 

Its very important to me that the person lighten up and just enjoy each others company. Laugh some, because its good for your heart and soul.

 

I try to instill humor on the boards because I can be such a clown. Some find things I say funny and some don't . When I get a thread started sometimes something humorous is taken seriously....

 

You should be able to look at all sides of something and even be able to LAUGH at YOURSELF !( I know I can. )

 

The other day I was soooooo mad at this salesman that I started laughing because I needed to take the edge off a rediculous situation that got out of control. He laughed with me although the situation was not that funny. But thats the point. Humor helps with alot of things.

 

Its better to go on more dates and get a feel for different people. Pretty soon you can get a sense of the flakers and all the other types of people out there.

 

If she thinks you feel relaxed and confidant she is going to feel that. If she feels anything negative she is going to back off.

 

Just something to think about...

[westernxer]

The bottom line when it comes to dating is to not take it personal when they flake on you. When you commit to each other and they flake on you, then you can take it personal. Then you heal (however long it takes).

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Ok, so the "LASIK" chick didn't work out. No big deal, I gave it a shot but I wasn't going to kiss her butt. I've been learning to draw boundaries.

 

There's a girl who works a few doors down. She'd be giving me the "look" for a couple of weeks. Not bad looking, seems pretty smart and put together (on the outside at least). I finally decide I'll talk to her and spark up a conversation. Seems she was VERY interested in me and if I hadn't talked to her that day she was going to talk to me.

 

So we chat a little bit via email and the phone and decide to go out on Friday. She shows up an hour late for our date. I tried calling her but she doesn't answer her phone. I assume it's her cell number. Anyway, when she shows up she says "Well I spilled soda on my clothes so I swung by the mall and bought some new clothes. I changed in the mall..."

 

OK. Fine. We go on our date, have a great time, have a lot in common. All the next week things are going great. The following Tuesday we make a date for Saturday. I sent her not one but TWO emails confirming the date. She says "that's fine." We chat the rest of the week but I don't get to talk to her on Friday as she leaves early.

 

Saturday I roll in from my ride around 4:00 and leave her a voicemail on the number she gives me. I say "Hey, it's me. Just making sure we're still on for tonight. What kind of pizza do you like? Call me so I can order ahead and have it ready when you get here." Our date was for 8pm.

 

8pm rolls around, she isn't here. So I wait. At 8:30 I go ahead and order a pizza. By 9:20 I am getting angry so I call her again and say "Hey, I am not sure why you never showed for our date but whatever you're doing, I hope you're having fun."

 

So in I come to work today and around 9:30 she emails me the following message:

 

"OK I normally wouldn’t say anything after being stood up completely.. but in this case for some reason I feel I should. That is freaking rude Brian. I think we have talked before about at least a phone call would be considerate. I had plans on Sat but you asked if I wanted to hang out and I dropped those plans in a heartbeat for whatever reason. I do not appreciate that at all. SO now I have nothing else to say."

 

Uhhh, excuse me?! I called her TWICE on Saturday, confirmed with two emails during the week. Anyway, we exchange several emails and she ignores that I sent her the emails until I point it out that she ignored them. She says she never received any voicemails from me (basically calling me a liar in that I never called). So that made me mad so I went online and downloaded a copy of my call records that PROVE I called her twice on Sat.

 

You know what she says? She's p*ssed at me for leaving that on her desk at work. That is was "unprofessional" to do that so she doesn't want to see my anymore.

 

Uhhh -- ok, whatever. Not that I care, but her behavior leads me to believe she was just trying to break this off and blew off the date and tried to make it seem like it was my fault.

 

Are girls normally this retarded?

Can I expect more abnormal behavior like this?

 

I did everything right and this still blew up in my face. I mean, I can't win for losing lately. If you have money, please - bet against me LOL! Whatever game women are playing these days I'd rather stay single than deal with this childish B.S.

 

I've not read any other post yet on this thread, as I wanted to comment on this one first before reading others...

 

Confused, she wasn't into you from the start. If she was she would not have freaked out on you! She sounds like a piece of work to me. Talk about doing a 180! I think she's not playing with a full deck of cards or she had horrible PMS that day.

 

Sorry, it's kind of funny too, I can just picture your face when she freaked out. That "WTF is your problem are you retarded" or "did you hit your head too hard" look!

 

Ignore her, there are so many other women out there who will turn your cranks.

 

OK, now I'm off to read the rest of this thread...

[alphamale]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Confused, she wasn't into you from the start.

I must respectfully disagree, WWIU. She most likely was into him at the start but then his constant calling and need for reassurance and approval from her turned her off totally. She witnessed his needy and desperate behviour and decided to split. Most women would do the same. I mean he violated many rules here. And the kicker was the last one with printing out his phone call record to prove he did in fact leave her messages. I mean, who does that? That's insane!

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by alphamale

And the kicker was the last one with printing out his phone call record to prove he did in fact leave her messages. I mean, who does that? That's insane!

 

The guy showed some balls though.. To get in her face and not even really know her

[alphamale]

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

The guy showed some balls though.. To get in her face and not even really know her

she was trying to get rid of him. had he played his cards right (which he did not) she may be sucking on his balls right now

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

COC-

 

I disagree with Alpha. I see nothing wrong with the way you approached this girl.

I don't think you looked clingy at all.

 

She ACTIVELY pursued me. Stared at me when I walked somewhere. Alpha's completely wrong.

 

Church is an excellent idea I think to meet people. There are also online christian dating communities. Would you rule out someone who had been married before or possibly had a child? Depending on why their divorced?

 

Church is a great place because at least you know you won't be unequally yoked.