Need to disconnect from a guy but still want to hear from him

[mon.]

Hi everybody!

 

Long story short: I have (some) feelings for the guy and so does he. It was never a relationship, although we let each other know about our feelings and used to talk a lot. I've been trying to "dismiss" him as I know we won't work out together, but it's tough even for me.

 

We live far away now, and whatsapp has proved to be a string I need to cut otherwise I won't let it go. I'm getting a new number in my new place, so I'm thinking about telling him that I won't give him this new number - he knows why and has been quite supportive, although still attempting to contact me now and then.

 

But what I really wanted to say is "I'm cutting you off and you know why, but please feel free to drop me an email whenever you want to keep me posted with your life etc etc".

 

I personally consider emails a lot less "closer" than whatsapp, so I wouldn't mind hearing from him from time to time. I hate this feeling of "good-bye forever"...

 

My question is: is this a normal "let's keep in touch" attitude or is it more like throwing breadcrumbs cause I don't want to cut him off completely?

 

Thanks a lot!!!

Edited May 13, 2017 by mon.
Better title

[Kitchen]

Sure it's okay to keep in touch if that's what you both want.

 

Why don't you be the one to send him an email whenever you want to catch up. Why does it have to be him contacting you?

[mon.]

Yeah, I surely might do so as well. But I don't want to give any wrong impression, you know... "Ok, so you cut me off and now you want to hear from me..." And I want to let him know he's free to contact me. I need to disconnect now but I don't hate him and would like to hear good or bad news in the future... As friends, I guess...

 

I'm probably just overthinking hehe

[preraph]

Any contact is going to keep you from moving on, so you just need to stop having contact.

[Sweetfish]

Hi everybody!

 

Long story short: I have (some) feelings for the guy and so does he. It was never a relationship, although we let each other know about our feelings and used to talk a lot. I've been trying to "dismiss" him as I know we won't work out together, but it's tough even for me.

 

We live far away now, and whatsapp has proved to be a string I need to cut otherwise I won't let it go. I'm getting a new number in my new place, so I'm thinking about telling him that I won't give him this new number - he knows why and has been quite supportive, although still attempting to contact me now and then.

 

But what I really wanted to say is "I'm cutting you off and you know why, but please feel free to drop me an email whenever you want to keep me posted with your life etc etc".

 

I personally consider emails a lot less "closer" than whatsapp, so I wouldn't mind hearing from him from time to time. I hate this feeling of "good-bye forever"...

 

My question is: is this a normal "let's keep in touch" attitude or is it more like throwing breadcrumbs cause I don't want to cut him off completely?

 

Thanks a lot!!!

 

 

Your keeping him as a Ace in your pocket. That is what it sounds like.. not in a bad way. Sounds like you want the physical and mental connection and this isn't going to work due to distance . You want to disconnected so you don't feel guilty dating around. Is this right or wrong?

[mon.]

Mostly wrong. I just moved out of his city and even there I would (try to) cut him as I know it wouldn't work, so why unnecessary suffering? - thus the disconnecting

 

It's not about my wanting to feel free to date other people. It's just the "fear" of never hearing from him again, as a person, as a friend... I think... Is this keeping him as an Ace in my pocket? We never want to assume how mean and selfish we can be, right? Haha

[preraph]

Look, I'm guilty as sin of keeping my exes in my back pocket for decades, but I took about a 10-year break from them and got good and detached first, before reconnecting as acquaintances. It's no good setting yourself up for reminders when you're still in pain.

[spiderowl]

Why would it never work? Is it because he is choosing not to take it further or because you are? It is not clear from your post.

[mon.]

Different values, different lifestyle... We never really got to be more than friends who shared and expressed some feelings - feelings which, had they been explored, might have never led to a bigger deal, chances are. Something like a platonic friendship, that's what it was/is.

 

But we're not teenagers anymore, so I decided to call it quits. But my problem is that I fluctuate between being coherent with my decision and respecting the distance that I myself suggested and getting back to texting/communicating.

 

That's why I say I need to disconnect: I like him fondly, but I think I have to say I've become quite obsessed with him/an idea I formed of him. The reasons for us not to be together are very clear to me, I totally agree with this decision (of not investing in a relationship) and so on... but still I sort of can't get "him" off my head - "An image I created of him" is more accurate.

 

So that's it... I want him out of my life for now, to detox. And I might see myself losing interest in the future. But my present self wants to assure him that he's dear to me by saying "drop me an email eventually"...

 

Gee, people can be crazy... but it feels so good to write... thanks for reading

[Sweetfish]

Different values, different lifestyle... We never really got to be more than friends who shared and expressed some feelings - feelings which, had they been explored, might have never led to a bigger deal, chances are. Something like a platonic friendship, that's what it was/is.

 

But we're not teenagers anymore, so I decided to call it quits. But my problem is that I fluctuate between being coherent with my decision and respecting the distance that I myself suggested and getting back to texting/communicating.

 

That's why I say I need to disconnect: I like him fondly, but I think I have to say I've become quite obsessed with him/an idea I formed of him. The reasons for us not to be together are very clear to me, I totally agree with this decision (of not investing in a relationship) and so on... but still I sort of can't get "him" off my head - "An image I created of him" is more accurate.

 

So that's it... I want him out of my life for now, to detox. And I might see myself losing interest in the future. But my present self wants to assure him that he's dear to me by saying "drop me an email eventually"...

 

Gee, people can be crazy... but it feels so good to write... thanks for reading

 

 

You are keeping an ACE in your back pocket without a doubt.

 

You are making this very complicated and complex.

 

What are the values and lifestyles that conflict with each other.

[DontBreakEven]

Different values, different lifestyle... We never really got to be more than friends who shared and expressed some feelings - feelings which, had they been explored, might have never led to a bigger deal, chances are. Something like a platonic friendship, that's what it was/is.

 

But we're not teenagers anymore, so I decided to call it quits. But my problem is that I fluctuate between being coherent with my decision and respecting the distance that I myself suggested and getting back to texting/communicating.

 

That's why I say I need to disconnect: I like him fondly, but I think I have to say I've become quite obsessed with him/an idea I formed of him. The reasons for us not to be together are very clear to me, I totally agree with this decision (of not investing in a relationship) and so on... but still I sort of can't get "him" off my head - "An image I created of him" is more accurate.

 

So that's it... I want him out of my life for now, to detox. And I might see myself losing interest in the future. But my present self wants to assure him that he's dear to me by saying "drop me an email eventually"...

 

Gee, people can be crazy... but it feels so good to write... thanks for reading

 

I'm going through the exact same thing and I totally get what you are saying. First thing I did was change her name in my phone to her full name so the texts would appear differently on my screen (kind of changed the feel of the old "image" I used to talk to).

 

There have still been many moments where I have said that I just need to tell her I can't communicate anymore. But for me, two things ... 1) it feels overly dramatic considering we were never even really together 2) I guess if I am honest with myself I just don't want to completely close that door (even though in reality I know it's not even an open door to begin with).

 

So, for me, I settled on the slow fade. I don't initiate communication at all. And when I respond, it's not quite like I used to.

 

This tactic has been working. Which only proves to me more that I was never really what she wanted.

[DontBreakEven]

You are keeping an ACE in your back pocket without a doubt.

 

You are making this very complicated and complex.

 

What are the values and lifestyles that conflict with each other.

 

I don't think she's keeping an ace at all. Sounds like there is no ace to keep. Only way she could have an ace is if this were a thing she could realistically run back to and have at any time. Not from what I'm reading ...

[mon.]

I don't think she's keeping an ace at all. Sounds like there is no ace to keep. Only way she could have an ace is if this were a thing she could realistically run back to and have at any time. Not from what I'm reading ...

 

 

There have still been many moments where I have said that I just need to tell her I can't communicate anymore. But for me, two things ... 1) it feels overly dramatic considering we were never even really together 2) I guess if I am honest with myself I just don't want to completely close that door (even though in reality I know it's not even an open door to begin with).

 

 

I totally relate to this, DontBreakEven. There was never a commitment or "real deal". But I actually told him I thought it was not healthy to keep communicating as we did, and I regret having done so, for the exact same reason, it felt overly dramatic. Keeping the friendship would have been much easier if I'd just let things cool down naturally... but I "broke up" with him so now it feels pretty awkward PLUS it looks badly on me to say "let's keep in touch"...

[mon.]

I'm going through the exact same thing and I totally get what you are saying. First thing I did was change her name in my phone to her full name so the texts would appear differently on my screen (kind of changed the feel of the old "image" I used to talk to).

 

There have still been many moments where I have said that I just need to tell her I can't communicate anymore. But for me, two things ... 1) it feels overly dramatic considering we were never even really together 2) I guess if I am honest with myself I just don't want to completely close that door (even though in reality I know it's not even an open door to begin with).

 

So, for me, I settled on the slow fade. I don't initiate communication at all. And when I respond, it's not quite like I used to.

 

This tactic has been working. Which only proves to me more that I was never really what she wanted.

 

Hi, DontBreakEven!

 

Would you mind telling me if you ever got to the point of communicating "you had feelings for her"? How did she respond? If yes, don't you feel weird now acting as if nothing has happened? (Nothing has happened, haha, but you know I mean) What made you want things to go on a different direction so that you needed to stop communicating? Was it that you felt she didn't feel the same way?

 

Sorry about the survey lol

[mightycpa]

Any contact is going to keep you from moving on, so you just need to stop having contact.

I think maybe a better way of looking at it might be that continued contact might keep him from moving on.

 

You should probably make the sacrifice, and cut him off at the knees. Or tell him from now on you're just Facebook friends, nothing more.

 

Cruel to be kind and all that.