Shiawase Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 I've not been with my partner for very long, but we're already really smitten with each other. But unfortunately there's a couple of issues that have cropped up that feel like deal breakers. The biggest one is how he constantly excuses the ****ty behaviour of one of his friends. The first time i met her i knew she would be a problem. When i first met my bf he was hanging out with his mates. Nothing odd there. But i noticed this girl being really coupley towards him. I figured they were a couple and joined them. But whenever she wasn't around he'd be really flirty. I asked him what was going on and he told me that they weren't together she was just clingy. He even told me that he hated it. In the end we agreed to see each other again and he gave me his number. I bumped into that group again and she was still doing it. But this time whenever i glanced over she glared at me. I got upset and left to think. When i came back i took him aside and said either she stops this or we aren't getting together. He finally tells her to quit it, and she disappears off the map. I think 'finally we're free.' But ofc she's still causing problems, saying shes hates me and crap like that. Things seemed pretty dandy until we bumped into her again. She says something really passive aggressive and walks off. All the joy in the room was just sucked out. My partner was really hurt and i did my best to lighten the mood. Radio silence again from her. When out of the blue she messages him this great long text. Basically calling him an arsehole and emotionally blackmailing him. At this point i lost it. I told him to stand up for himself, and that real friends dont pull **** like this. But like always he defends her. Then yesterday i find out that hes hanging out with her like nothing happened! I told him never to mention her name to me again. I called her an 'insidious bitch' and told him i'm tired of her excuses. To which he said 'i'll tell you one day', my blood was boiling! I replied saying that 'i dont want to hear it.' If she pulls one more stunt like this. I'm walking.
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 You need to walk. You are never going to win the zero sum game you are trying to play. If you try to force him to pick, he will chose her because she's been his friend longer than you have been his GF. Read a book called the Art of War: Keep your friends close & your enemies closer. You win him by befriending her. Still you insert yourself in your BF's space & touch him but you be super sweet to her. Engage her in conversation. Ask about her BFs. Tell her couple-y stories about you & your BF. You be amazingly nice & let her show her true colors of being awful. Take her with you when you go to the bathroom. When she repeatedly declines your invite to go with you, because "everybody knows" all women pee together, your BF will think that is odd & she's being mean to you. Your BF needs to see the contrast for himself; you can't just tell him. 2
kendahke Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 If she pulls one more stunt like this. I'm walking. Why wait? Just walk because she will pull another stunt. Why put yourself in her crosshairs? He's not worth going through all the trouble of keeping if he's OK with being emotionally manipulated by her or you or anyone else. A man who doesn't know his own mind is worthless. 3
smackie9 Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 No no no, none of this "if she pulls this one more time crap..." hun you need to walk away NOW. He has already proved to you he will continue to allow this girl to do whatever. She isn't the problem, HE IS. Give him something to think about for his actions...dump his ass. 2
act00 Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 You should be walking away weeks ago. If he didn't like the flirty behavior and had no attraction to her, he would have put a stop to it long before you entered the picture. Those two have something going on, and it may not be boyfriend-girlfriend, but there's something, and I'm guessing their dynamic has caused many a potential boyfriend or girlfriend to cut bait and run. I doubt you're the first, and you won't be the last. You can't force the change. Neither of them will change until they realize their behavior is what causes potential girlfriends/boyfriends to run away. You have expressed the problem to him. Your job is done. Cut bait and run...he's not a keeper. 2
act00 Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 You need to walk. You are never going to win the zero sum game you are trying to play. If you try to force him to pick, he will chose her because she's been his friend longer than you have been his GF. Read a book called the Art of War: Keep your friends close & your enemies closer. You win him by befriending her. Still you insert yourself in your BF's space & touch him but you be super sweet to her. Engage her in conversation. Ask about her BFs. Tell her couple-y stories about you & your BF. You be amazingly nice & let her show her true colors of being awful. Take her with you when you go to the bathroom. When she repeatedly declines your invite to go with you, because "everybody knows" all women pee together, your BF will think that is odd & she's being mean to you. Your BF needs to see the contrast for himself; you can't just tell him. I like what you say (mostly), and I think I should investigate this book, but NO. The OP should NOT have to play games and ploy all over this girl. Just no. The boy needs to stop the flirty behavior or the girl needs to stop the flirty behavior. It is not up to the potential girlfriend/boyfriend to maneuver all over the situation. They shouldn't have to fight or plot for attention and priority. I don't care how you slice it, flirtation and hanging and dangling on another person, like they're a couple, is not cool. I've done it. I've stuck around, and it was always the elephant in the room and a constant source of contention. If they want to be together and bump uglies, then do it...otherwise knock it off. What's up with this bathroom connection? We go to the bathroom together so we can discuss YOU and our evening and things that we don't wish to share with our dates. I'm certainly not going to invite someone I can't stand into a secluded space and make nice while I tinkle. What do you think goes on in there? 1
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 What's up with this bathroom connection? We go to the bathroom together so we can discuss YOU and our evening and things that we don't wish to share with our dates. I'm certainly not going to invite someone I can't stand into a secluded space and make nice while I tinkle. What do you think goes on in there? I am a woman. I know EXACTLY what goes on in the ladies' room. But if my choices are leave some flirty chick with my BF or drag her in the bathroom with me, she's definitely coming to the bathroom with me. 1
preraph Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 She's after him and she has some hold on him. And he's not willing to run her off, so she's going to take a victory lap and just keep trying to come in the back door with him. You already gave him the ultimatum and now you have to follow through on it. 2
Author Shiawase Posted May 14, 2017 Author Posted May 14, 2017 Read a book called the Art of War: Keep your friends close & your enemies closer. I have a copy I totally see what you're saying. But a) no guy is worth the aggro and b) i dont believe in polluting my life with toxic bitches. Uour BF needs to see the contrast for himself; you can't just tell him. He already knows exactly what shes like, all his friends do as well. The difference being they're smart enough to exclude her from the group. 1
Author Shiawase Posted May 14, 2017 Author Posted May 14, 2017 The boy needs to stop the flirty behavior or the girl needs to stop the flirty behavior. The flirting is all her. The problem is he enables her awful behaviour by letting her walk all over him. Even though he knows that shes alienated potential gfs before. Idk if he gets off on the attention, is just too spineless or likes the idea of looking after emotionally damaged women. Tbh it doesn't matter. Either way its deeply unappealing. =/
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 Shaiwase If you know all that, then you have to vote with your feet. He's either worth the aggravation or he's not. If he's not, walk now because there is no point in staying. Normally I advocate saying very little at a break up but here I'd make a point of tell him that you're dumping him because he keeps picking her & letting her interfere. He will either actually get rid of her (I doubt it) or he'll start dating her & they may live happily ever after. 1
mortensorchid Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 It sounds like this girl is jealous of you. If it is truly a platonic relationship between her and your man, it would not be an issue, but it doesn't sound like it is/was. She should not act like this whether or not she is/was with him at some point. As for what you should do, you gave an ultimatum and she is still not living up to it. Unfortunately it's time for you to move on.
preraph Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 Every similar situation I've seen, the guy enjoys her flattery and adoration and wants to believe she can't be a bad person because she likes him so much, even if he's not interested in her in that way. And it's BS. She's manipulating and controlling him. 1
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