planb1973 Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 I seem to get rejected for a similar reason over and over again. Last night I went out with a woman I had been dating for a number of months. We met around the first of the year. She is a self proclaimed sex and love addict and expressed that she was not looking for anything serious. Fine, I can do causal, plus she is very beautiful and we have fantastic conversations. I liked her. Within the first couple of weeks of knowing each other she invited herself on a trip to Cuba I had planned. I seemed like a dumb idea to travel with someone I hardly knew but why not. And we ended up having a fantastic trip. That was three months ago and have since planned another trip and she invited me back east where her family lives. All of this is casual mind you. We are both seeing other people and that is okay. Basically we have formed a relationship were we travel, have sex, talk on the phone, go on dates all the while know we are just different enough to not peruse anything serious. A couple of weeks ago she tells me she is starting to want a more serious relationship. Knowing its not with me she goes on to say that she also does not want to do the monogamous thing and that I was "grandfathered in." It was cute the way she said it and I took it as a compliment. I really feel like I will know this woman for a long time. Fast forward to last night. Schedules had been conflicting for a couple of weeks and we had not had a chance to hang out. We met at a bar, but I was sensing something. Body language was off. She has done this before where we might be sitting on the bed but she is a mile away. So I move over to her side of the table and immediately she backs off almost looking scared and blurts out "I don't want a sexual relationship with you." Okay that was a blow to the ego! When I asked her to expand on that she told me she had to protect herself, that she only wants to sleep with one guy, who happens to be this married guy she has been on and off with for a couple years. I'm really baffled. What threat am I? This isn't the only woman to pull this move on me lately. There is another woman I have been going on dates with for about 9 months. We have never even made out, yet she eagerly goes on dates, plans events in the future, and brags on FB, complete with pictures about this hansom man, me, who made her dinner, or took her to a concert or the beach. But when I try to get close the shields go flying up. I'm really feeling like women are scared of me for some f***ed up reason. I could list a couple more examples but its the same broken record. I really just don't get it. It seems in your 40's nobody wants anything serous, or monogamy. Things I actually do desire, so I jumped on the band wagon have a handful of women at anytime I'm dating and having sex with. I think deep down most people do want something more but run like hell if they feel any sort of attachment forming.
Miss Spider Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 Makes sense to me. She doesn't want a sexual relationship with you anymore. She was only doing that in attempt to distract herself from the feelings she has for that married man. She's just not interested anymore. Maybe next time if you want something serious don't date someone who tells you off the bat they have no interest in anything but an f buddy thing if you are looking for more. Will save you time and ego/heart break when it runs its course and they are done.. I'm sorry. 3
VeveCakes Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 The second woman has friend zoned you. You give her all the perks of a relationship and she doesn't have to put out. After 9 months? Why are you carrying on with this. They aren't scared of you they are using you! The first woman well, she lost attraction for some reason. She would rather do the married guy. She has issues that you are not going to be able to fix. I would honestly try and forget about her. As for the sex, are you taking care of yourself? Hygiene good? Was the sex good with the first woman? 3
preraph Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 The first one it just sounds like she is hung up on this guy and maybe he cycled back around in her life. So she's been open to casual stuff because she's focused on him, but wants sex. Now she is feeling like she wants to save her love for him, hoping it will work out, I guess. She is probably perfectly capable of being faithful to him or someone else she really loved. It sounds like when her heart is involved, she loses interest in casual. I understand that because that's how I am. And then sometimes it just feels like there's too much going on emotionally and you just want to simplify. It's also possible she has begun to be close to you as a friend and that is causing her to lose some sexual feeling, but it sounds a bit different from that to me. I would continue to get her to open up about what's going on. The second one who likes to get on social media and brag like she has a boyfriend may have some other problems going on, like maybe a past trauma or something like that --or she could have some level of just not being sexual or being sexually confused still. It's bad luck. They can't all be this way, so don't give up.
BaileyB Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 I think you need to pick women with better values... maybe someone who isn't waiting for her married affair partner to pick her. There are better women out there. 2
Author planb1973 Posted May 12, 2017 Author Posted May 12, 2017 Preraph: You nailed it. Both of these women and their stories I am aware of. The first one is very promiscuous and has never been monogamous, her bed post notches are probably close to triple figures. She does have some issues and has written a couple memoirs which reading gave me great insight to her inner working. So I did go into this eyes wide open. Rejection still hurts though. But I also know that the story between us in not over. She has become a friend that I plan on keeping around. That and we have a trip booked to Mexico in a couple months that I for sure am still going on. The second one. Yes there is some past trauma there. I don't know the extent of it but I know its there. From what I know of her dating/sexual history she only gets sexual with men who are way down at the bottom of the dating pool. We laugh till we cry when we hang out and she is entertaining level 10 so I get enjoyment out of that. VeveCakes: I totally get that I got friend zoned by the second woman a long time ago. At first I was frustrated by it but have for the most part gotten over it. Like I said we laugh till we cry when we get together. And since we go dutch I don't feel like I am being used. I actually get some flattery out of the fact that she brags about me on social media, there is no one else she is doing that to. But she does have some fear response to getting close to me sexually. Her loss not mine. And the sex with the first one is good but not mind blowing. I have an outlet for mind blowing sex, she is coming over tonight, but she is too much of a head case to get involved any more that great sex. As for me I take care of myself, use protection, I'm active, bath daily, have a relatively clean house, I've got my s**t together. I'm not giving up. Though I don't have too hard of a time getting dates and am fairly sexually active I'm just not meeting one where the mutual attraction and desire for something more is in balance. 1
johngalt1149 Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 (edited) Divorced after 30 years. Dating a lot. A lot of FWB. About 4 months ago I met the most mind blowing lady. 59 like me, also she is very wealthy. 29k monthly alimony, PHD famous sculptor. Told me date #2 in bed she really enjoyed me but realized it would only be FWB. The most mind blowing, numbing sex I've ever had and I have had a lot including a time when I only did menage a trois's in between marriages. Sex everywhere even while flying. It was like she took courtesan courses in Japan on how to please a man. After 2 months the lady told me she was getting confused with the benefits part because we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Stopped sex for a week. One day after seeing a play we stopped at the local Hustler store and after buying toys never made it out of the parking lot. Like school kids and we are 59. A week went by with mind numbing sex everywhere and then the same, I confused her. Back to just friends but now she's searching for the one so that is even limited. She travels all over the world and her pieces are in Russia, China and museums and is one of the most articulate and intelligent women I've ever been with. I recognize it could never be long term but it is still a blow to the ego and screws me up for 90% of the women out there who do not understand how to have sex with a man. I am still looking for the one myself but I hate the merry go round. Edited May 12, 2017 by johngalt1149
Titanll Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 Help me out here you guys that have FWBs but want more or at least want the FWB indefinitely. How do you feel rejected by someone that basically says that all they want is sex and nothing more? I'm clueless...
michaeluad Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 (edited) She has issues that you are not going to be able to fix. I would honestly try and forget about her. Edited May 12, 2017 by michaeluad
flashed Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 What I see here are men flowing with whatever tide the woman happens to be on. If you want a fwb or a possible long term relationship then stick to what YOU want. If she changes the terms then its - farewell, wish you the best. If you stand on your own firm ground you'll find women secure with you. Not confused.
preraph Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 That all makes sense. I like both of those women just fine, but you know what you're dealing with. Number 1 may be just temporarily disillusioned and depressed about her ex. Maybe it will blow over. Number 2 maybe just needs time. I had a bf with ED who only attempted sex with bottom of the food chain, and found out a decade later he had been molested, so that all makes sense. She may be scared and also may feel inadequate and maybe those are her proving grounds or something. I advise keeping them around but letting them know you're still dating others. And they both sound fun, so have fun to wherever it leads. And when it stops being fun, then you can reassess.
act00 Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 I'm going to agree with everyone else. If you want a more substantial relationship, one that may lead to long-term and marriage, don't date women who only want "casual dating." You want someone whose heart is just for you, not for someone else or divided among many. 1
Author planb1973 Posted May 12, 2017 Author Posted May 12, 2017 I'm going to agree with everyone else. If you want a more substantial relationship, one that may lead to long-term and marriage, don't date women who only want "casual dating." You want someone whose heart is just for you, not for someone else or divided among many. I get it and agree. There have been a couple women in recent months who wanted more from me, but they were not a good fit for me so I let them go. All of this "casual dating" is new to me. Up till the last year or so I didn't do the casual thing and would only date one woman at a time. The last time I was in the dating pool, 3 years ago, I seemed to be getting dates mostly with women in their mid to late 30's who seemed to be running out of time for making a family. Now that I'm 44 my dating pool seems to be women who's marriages have fallen apart and they just want to have fun. So what are my options, since I seem to be in a cycle of meeting women who want casual, I can spend Friday night alone cruising the dating sights looking for "the one" or hanging out with all my married friends or I can be out getting naked with a number of different women.
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