Keeping the secret?

[Overtaxed]

I know most posters on here think that the "carpet bomb" approach is the right answer, tell everyone, make him/her feel the full brunt of their actions. I'm wondering though, if there's a case for keeping the privacy of your intimate life; well, private?

 

I did not tell anyone about what happened in our M other than professionals. Neither of our families, work, religious leaders. Nobody. I would (or will) if the A didn't stop immediately, but it did, and I was true to my word, I've not told a soul about it and don't intent to. My WS did tell 2 people, but both of them were the "toned down" version (EA only basically) and didn't in any way get the really terrible stuff done into the air.

 

I honestly feel fine with it, I don't want to tell anyone because I'm personally embarrassed by it, and I don't want other people to look at my W as "tainted" or less than because of what she did. That said, am I setting myself up for disaster? I'm not sure "disclose, far and wide" has any value once the A is over and the healing begins; I'd be curious to see what others think.

 

I'm thankful every day that I didn't have to deal with broken NC. I would have blown it up if I did, but, after d-day, the A ended the next day. And that was it. Everything else I heard here, the sexual stuff (gonna be worse than you think), the trickle truth, all of it, dead on. Except for that one, and I think broken NC is pretty much the reason to disclose far/wide. So, is it really important to R, or is it just important to blow up the A hard to stop all contact?

Edited May 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Mrs. John Adams]

We only told my parents and my husbands boss.

 

I did tell my best friend.. who cried and said I am so sorry and it was never mentioned again.. she is still my best friend.

 

I feel that reconciliation is easier the fewer people who know and voice their opinions.

 

Had we told his family... it would have ruined my relationship with them which would have been more difficult for him I think.

[Marc878]

IMO- the other BS, and unless you're wanting to save the marriage and the affair is ongoing.

[understand50]

Overtaxed,

 

No one know about my wife's ONS, in my family, and I work to keep it that way. When my wife and I discuss anything it is between our self's, and only in private. You should look at your situation, and keep this, as you and your wife need it to be. Most people "broadcast" the information, to end an affair, and that is a good way to do it. As she ended it, and is not trying to restart, why cause her pain? Part of the things a BS should do in reconciliation, is not cause any unnecessary pain to the WS.

 

Now if he is doing something that is causing hurt or pain to someone else and you and her standing mute, will further this, I would discuss with your wife and jointly decide what to do.

 

My two cents.....

[RecentChange]

We kept it a secret. Our private life is our private life. I had zero desire to air all our dirty laundry publicly.

 

When he cheated, I told my best friend a way toned down version (and like Adams says, it was never really spoken about again).

 

When I cheated.... I know my brother in law knows, but really no one else. And I am closer to my BIL than ever, lucky for me he doesn't hold it against me.

[NTV]

Yeah its normally a tactic to stop an ongoing affair if it doesn't end on dday. I told my boss because we'll I was worthless at the time.

[reboot]

Exposure is a tool used to break up an affair, nothing more. If you don't need to use it don't.

[Overtaxed]

Not at all what I was expecting. This is why you ask a question, because you don't always know the answer!

 

I'm comfortable with keeping the secret, and I agree with one of the responses, carpetbombing to end the A, yes. But I (and seems like others) don't see the point in doing that if the A is over; it feels like it's vindictive and more likely to hurt then help.

 

Yes, the AP's W does know, but I didn't tell her. She discovered something (she'd suspected for some time; she'd been down this path with him before, so her antenna was more tuned to it than mine apparently) and discovered shortly after our d-day. I was not going to tell her, selfishly I might add, because I felt holding that secret over the head of the AP would keep him from contacting my W. Apparently blowing up his M has him busy enough to leave her alone now, so, mission accomplished? And I didn't have to be the bad guy and bearer of bad news, so, win all the way around; sometimes it just works out that way!

[kgcolonel]

OT, this is your's and your WW's recovery, no one elses. You make the call in what aides you. I personally agree with what you have decided, there is no value in telling the world or anyone else if it does not help the R.

 

Many people are so hurt from the betrayal that they want the WS to hurt just as bad and while that may sound good, rarely have i seen that the BS feels that much better after the scorched earth approach.

 

I think you are doing well and hope things continue along this path.....prayers!!!

[Ahurtgirl]

It's not always an option to keep it a secret. I was the other woman and I think my xMM tried to keep it a secret between his wife and himself for about six months after it ended. He started harrassing me thinking I did something that I hadn't. It was then game on. I had to talk to an attorney and was forced to share every detail of our 4 year affair with her. I vented about his cheating to so many other people to help myself recover after he put me through that and even went as far as contacting as many of his friends directly and posted that he was unfaithful on as many social media accounts and websites as possible. It helped me heal immensely. However, he did find out months later that there was all this information out there about him and his wife got angry at me. So just remember, there isn't always a way to keep it a secret as your spouse was not the only one involved. I'm now doing so much better and I never have to worry about him coming back into my life. I also have a girlfriend who literally hates men who cheat who I think is also "sharing" about what he did to me to anyone she meets as I have moved past it but she is now on a war path for what he did to me. Karma! If he had never shared with his wife about the details our affair, I would have kept it a secret but the minute she questioned him about his involvement with me, he threw me under the bus and tried making himself look like he was the victim. His wife believes his lies and since he brought my family into by contacting my parents, and I had to face everyone in my life with the truth, I decided keeping his secret was bs.

Edited May 12, 2017 by Ahurtgirl

[mercy]

The day before I found out I was still planning my divorce. Lots of opinions with that...

 

When I got the call I wanted it just between him and me. I never saw the need to include others.

 

h suffered the humility and shame facing the other officers on the base but he took it like a man and it made me love him more.

Save

Edited May 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
not telling lol

[DKT3]

I can see both sides, on one hand I personally felt she should have to deal with all the consequences. On the other hand, should you move past the infidelity, then those you told would be stuck with your spouse is a cheater no matter how great the marriage may be at that point.

 

My wife told everyone who would listen, mainly because she said she couldn't stand that people were blaming me for the divorce.

 

Always a double edge sword, the desire to see the WS "pay" vs the BS shame and embarrassment.

 

I guess make a decision and then live with how it plays out.

[GoldenR]

I see exposure as a consequence...one of the only consequences a waywards can have. Without consequences, what's stopping them from doing it again?

[reboot]

I see exposure as a consequence...one of the only consequences a waywards can have. Without consequences, what's stopping them from doing it again?

 

Nothing stops them from doing it again, not even consequences.

[GoldenR]

Nothing stops them from doing it again, not even consequences.

 

Oh, for sure.

 

When I hear there was no exposure and R is happening, I immediately think, "rug-sweeping".

[Bittersweetie]

Only a few people know of my A. My parents, because I stayed with them after d-day. They were supportive of me working on myself, but made it clear if I continued doing what I was doing, they would not support that. My H told two friends, one he stayed with after d-day and his other close friend. He also told his therapist.

 

He considered telling more people. I didn't try to persuade him one way or the other; it was his choice, and just one consequence of my actions. I will admit it was awkward being around the close friend for a while. But I figured he was seeing me, through my actions, making my H a priority in his healing. That close friend is now the godfather of our child.

 

I think sharing what happened just depends on the couple and the situation. There is no one-size-fits-all answer.

[wmacbride]

I really don't believe there is a right or wrong answer to this, as each couple has to find what works for them.

 

In our case, it all came out, and literally everyone where we knew lived. Small town, lots of gossip and his ow acting like a fool removed any chance for privacy we might have had.

 

In the end, it all worked out.

Edited May 12, 2017 by wmacbride

[katielee]

My immediate family knows.

His family doesn't know anything. That is by his choice.

Our two best couples friends know. I mean, a nuclear bomb exploded in our marriage and there was no way we COULD keep it a secret.

 

Also, hubby told my AP's FIL and BIL. I told OW#1's Mom and brother.

Our kids know the basics of what happened. We're glad we told them.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My husband told his family, my friends and his friends about my A. He was secretly having an A of his own, which made him the world's biggest hypocrite and when it all came out, well that part took my friends a long time to get past. I went on to later tell more people on my own.

 

That being said, telling people has unexpected consequences. First, people judge a lot less than you think and care even less. Second, you become real to other people and people surprise you by opening up about their own problems, sometimes affairs, sometimes other things that they had kept buried as a secret. It helps you realize that we are all imperfect people and make mistakes, do bad things, make poor choices and feel ashamed. Third, being so open helps one come to terms with who you really are as a person and basically, fix your sh*t and figure out who you really want to be. Last, you undergo major personal growth and realize that if anyone judges you, that's more about them than you.

 

Hiding in the darkness in denial, pretending to the world that you are perfect, that it did not happen, that you live in a FakeBook world, does nothing but enable you to do it all over again. You cannot grow unless you change and you cannot change unless you change from the inside out.

[wmacbride]

My husband told his family, my friends and his friends about my A. He was secretly having an A of his own, which made him the world's biggest hypocrite and when it all came out, well that part took my friends a long time to get past. I went on to later tell more people on my own.

 

That being said, telling people has unexpected consequences. First, people judge a lot less than you think and care even less. Second, you become real to other people and people surprise you by opening up about their own problems, sometimes affairs, sometimes other things that they had kept buried as a secret. It helps you realize that we are all imperfect people and make mistakes, do bad things, make poor choices and feel ashamed. Third, being so open helps one come to terms with who you really are as a person and basically, fix your sh*t and figure out who you really want to be. Last, you undergo major personal growth and realize that if anyone judges you, that's more about them than you.

 

Hiding in the darkness in denial, pretending to the world that you are perfect, that it did not happen, that you live in a FakeBook world, does nothing but enable you to do it all over again. You cannot grow unless you change and you cannot change unless you change from the inside out.

 

This is an interesting perspective, and you raise some points that I really feel are important.

 

Just speaking for the prevailing culture where I live, we tend to hide negative behaviors and keep them in the dark. Perhaps if we were more willing to talk about them openly, it might help.

 

Also, if society lent its support to marriage and encouraged more open discussion about the issues that can come up, even in a happy relationship, it might help prevent a lot of heartbreak.

 

I don't know why he discussion of some topics is so verboten. As I said above, I really believe it would be really beneficial if we could be more open.

[purplesorrow]

I only told a sibling and a close friend. My ex told all of his family and friends. I didn't really care either way, I just didn't want my daughter to know. The ow was the only one who feared exposure. She recently contacted me to not tell all if her fiancé contacts me, to think about her child. I really can't wait for that phone call.

Edited May 12, 2017 by purplesorrow

[Quiet Storms]

I think it depends on the particular situation.

 

When my fiance cheated on me (with one of my best friends), I didn’t find out until about 6 months later. I was doing a clinical in New Mexico at the time. He just suddenly told me, out of the blue. I didn’t react very well. First I yelled at him… then I made him call her and tell her the A was over (which I knew it was; she lived 1300 miles away by then). But he did.

 

Then, I started calling everyone I could think of, to tell them. His friends, my friends, our friends. The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. Next I removed my ring, threw it at him, and stormed out of the apartment to my car. Then I remember we were at MY apartment, so I stormed back in and threw him out. That was the end of that.

 

I found out later he cheated on me with at least one other woman too.

 

He had kind of a micropenis, though. So I thought, well Quiet Storms, aim for bigger next time (pun intended).

 

When my then-husband cheated, we were discussing divorce and I already had one foot out the door. It bothered me, but didn’t devastate me. He was the OOM to a MW who split her living time between her H and her OM. I guess she thought that in her spare time, she should get an OOM. She was older than me, and she had a bright red face. But he seemed to really like her.

 

He (then-husband) and OM were in some kind of men’s club together, where a bunch of them went into the woods camping for the weekend and at night they discarded most of their clothing, were blindfolded, and all held onto a rope while they hiked through the forest (true story; you can’t make this stuff up).

 

At some point, a long time later (like at least a year), she wasn’t around anymore and I asked him what happened. He said, “She has a husband and a boyfriend. Nothing was going to come of that.” Well, duh.

 

I told my family only. Mainly because it was such a fascinating story. I could have blown his world apart because he is upper management and MW worked for him. But I didn’t see the point.

[katielee]

I only told a sibling and a close friend. My ex told all of his family and friends. I didn't really care either way, I just didn't want my daughter to know. The ow was the only one who feared exposure. She recently contacted me to not tell all if her fiancé contacts me, to think about her child. I really can't wait for that phone call.

 

Omg. Tell him anyway. Doesn't he deserve to know the truth about the person he's marrying?

[Cephalopod]

I think the decision of whether or not to expose depends on the attitude the wayward spouse is exhibiting.

 

If the WS is hateful, blame-shifting, gaslighting, unrepentant or defiant...then I say all bets are off. The BS has no obligation to protect the WS from the social fallout of their poor choices.

[purplesorrow]

Omg. Tell him anyway. Doesn't he deserve to know the truth about the person he's marrying?

 

He knows she was the ow to my ex. I'm not sure what else he would want to know. I really have no idea which details she may have lied about. He knows my ex on a professional level and cross some social circles. My ex would really be the best source. But if he reaches out I will answer all of his questions.