Why is it so frustrating and the waiting game

[selinaluv]

Hello,

 

So I think I may need to be "talked off a ledge" here. I am just so frustrated with this all sometimes.

 

I have been going on quite a few dates and not making connections. I know when connection is made and try to not read into things that aren't there. I have been good at this lately and not taking things as personally.

 

So two nights ago I went out for a drink date with a guy who has been trying for a few months but I had to cancel once and timing wasn't right. We have a friend in common, so I had a feeling it would go well. He admitted he was frustrated with dating and took himself off the sites (which is true). He said this year he will focus on him and if something develops so be it. If not, he isn't going to force it.

 

I get all that and appreciate the honesty.

 

But despite that we have a great date. It truly was. We talked freely, it was clear there was attraction, he bought the drinks, walked me to my car, had a bunch of hugs and a very small kiss. He did not push for anything else. Lots in common.

 

I could tell there was a connection of some kind and his body language showed it. Near the end of the date he told me he thought I was a very cool person and he wants to get to know me more and see me again. He reiterated that a few times, then proceeded to tell me about his weekend schedule to let me know he is available on Saturday.

 

So all good. I left and texted him a quick thank you for the drinks when he got home and he responded "my pleasure".

 

And that is the last I heard. It has only been a day but he did say he would call yesterday and he didn't. He is a full time single dad (we have this single parent thing in common) so I know he is busy.

 

The thing is I know I didn't imagine this. I am not reading into something that isn't there. He made the attraction known in a subtle way and I could feel his interest. As I think he did mine. Then he confirms it with words and action to plan another date.

 

I know I am probably jumping the gun, but the silence confuses me. He was never a big texted to be honest, but it make me doubt if he was genuine just based on past experiences.

 

And if he wasn't not a huge deal cause I have a few other dates that could be in the pipeline. But I am so frustrated because of reading things so wrong. If this isn't something that goes further, then I just just don't know.

[Gaeta]

And you don't want to get in touch with him yourself because?

[BaileyB]

The waiting is awful, but it is part of the game early on...

 

It's good that you can appreciate that he is busy, as a full time, single dad.

 

Try to find something to take your mind off things and keep busy. Or send him a text if you want to contact him. Just don't send him too many texts .

 

Best wishes.

[Miss Spider]

could be in the pipeline. But I am so frustrated because of reading things so wrong. If this isn't something that goes further, then I just just don't know.

 

That's the thing I've learned. You can't know. I've had dates I thought went horribly and the other person thought it was amazing and vice versa. It can feel like great conversation and insane chemistry, but the other party feels completely different. To keep our head, all we can really do is bring our best self and 0 expectations in initial dates. Also, busy our lives and preoccupy our minds we aren't sitting around waiting and making them a priority. Hope it works out.

[smackie9]

It's a modern age......ask him out on a date. If he says no, then you don't have to sit by the phone waiting for him to text you.

[Miss Spider]

Normally, I'd agree to reach out. But in this case I'd advise against that for 2 reasons(unless you just wanna go all in, dgaf). 1. You follow-up texted him and he was brief. 2. He said he'd call you, but hasn't yet.

 

When is your other date planned? I'd be patient and let him get back to you, since he's supposed to call. It's been 1 day.

[OnlyHonesty]

No one is ever too busy for someone they are interested in. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that no one is ever too busy for anything they are genuinely interested in.

 

This guy said he'd call, and he didn't. He seemed interested in another date, but he didn't follow up. The message is crystal clear.

 

This is where people end up wasting time, because they convince themselves to ignore or downplay the situation because they wish it was different.

[selinaluv]

That's the thing I've learned. You can't know. I've had dates I thought went horribly and the other person thought it was amazing and vice versa. It can feel like great conversation and insane chemistry, but the other party feels completely different. To keep our head, all we can really do is bring our best self and 0 expectations in initial dates. Also, busy our lives and preoccupy our minds we aren't sitting around waiting and making them a priority. Hope it works out.

 

I totally agree with this and have definitely felt this way. But then in this way WHY actually express it all? Why say that he liked me and wanted to see me again. It came at a point I wasn't even pressing it or having expectations. I was actually surprised, but flattered. Then to go one about scheduling a day and date.

 

I have had this done before and the guy disappeared then came back a few days totally oblivious. In that case I blew it off cause it was clear he was only in it for one thing, but I don't feel that way here.

 

But why lead me on at all and get hopes up if you aren't sure yet?

[selinaluv]

No one is ever too busy for someone they are interested in. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that no one is ever too busy for anything they are genuinely interested in.

 

This guy said he'd call, and he didn't. He seemed interested in another date, but he didn't follow up. The message is crystal clear.

 

This is where people end up wasting time, because they convince themselves to ignore or downplay the situation because they wish it was different.

 

This is how I am feeling, but he was spotty with communication at best. His interest was here and there until we met.

 

The date is supposed to be for tomorrow and our date was a day ago. I guess he could still contact. I am trying not to downplay the situation, but it is slightly confusing and hurtful.

 

But not even about this guy, but others who have done the same thing. I try to be honest and upfront and not give off false impressions. I will tell them I enjoyed the date but not interested, so I have a hard time understanding when someone says one thing, but may not mean it.

[selinaluv]

It's a modern age......ask him out on a date. If he says no, then you don't have to sit by the phone waiting for him to text you.

 

I am still debating this for my own piece of mind. I guess I have nothing to lose.

 

Update... I did just send a follow up text about tomorrow night. I want to know either way, then can move on and maybe schedule another.

Edited May 12, 2017 by selinaluv

[Gaeta]

I am still debating this for my own piece of mind. I guess I have nothing to lose.

 

Update... I did just send a follow up text about tomorrow night. I want to know either way, then can move on and maybe schedule another.

 

Good girl!

 

Now you'll know where he stands.

 

Why put yourself through this agonizing wait, take your destiny in your own hands.

[selinaluv]

Good girl!

 

Now you'll know where he stands.

 

Why put yourself through this agonizing wait, take your destiny in your own hands.

 

Thank you! I am a believer in this and nothing ventured, nothing gained. I am not big on waiting, so I will get a feel of it either way. If he says yes, then fine. If no, that's fine too.

 

Regardless he seemed into me, so I have to give it a shot. He actually seems like the kind of guy who would appreciate it.

[selinaluv]

So I already have an update.

 

One of the things he did mention even before we initially met up is that he would be heading out of town this weekend for his daughter's volleyball tournament.

 

When he started asking me about getting together on Sat he was saying it that he may want to change his plans and stick around and leave for the tournament on Sunday. I did question this.

 

So he responded quickly that he is going to head up there today after all. I left it if he ever wants to hang out again let me know. He said thanks and mentioned something about his trip.

 

So that's it... that's where it stands and I will move on and talk to others.

 

I am just so disheartened with this a bit because it honestly seemed like he was interested. It is so hard to read these things and I start questioning what I may or may not have done.

[BaileyB]

Good men value consistency, honesty, and open communication. They don't play games. So, he may well appreciate your text. He should be flattered by your interest. I hope it goes well for you.

 

As someone posted a few days ago... The famous quote from Wayne Gretzky - "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

[Miss Spider]

Have you considered it's maybe nothing you did? You know how you can go on a date with a guy, have a good time, but something just didn't 'click'? It was nothing they did and they're actually cool guys? And yea some people say things in the moment they don't mean to follow through with. Sucks about the whole dating thing. Sorry it didn't pan out the way you hoped but please don't be too discouraged. Have fun on your next dates.

[selinaluv]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Even though it was a no for tomorrow, I don't regret checking on it.

 

You never know, he may return. But these things always make me question if it was something I did and he sat and thought about it.

 

He talked about some of the women he was meeting who really didn't try to get to know him and just seemed that they were checking off boxes. That the date wasn't about just meeting up with someone. He said that is what turned him off to them and OLD in general.

 

So then I start wondering if I did something similar. I don't think I did and he certainly acted like he enjoyed the conversation, but who knows. This is what can be so frustrating.

 

But I guess with the right one it won't matter. He will like and accept me know matter what I say or do.

 

I feel bad because I rejected someone early this week. We just weren't a match and he may have gotten his hopes up. But I told him when he asked for the second date and didn't leave him hanging. I just feel bad about all of it because it is a grind.

[selinaluv]

Have you considered it's maybe nothing you did? You know how you can go on a date with a guy, have a good time, but something just didn't 'click'? It was nothing they did and they're actually cool guys? And yea some people say things in the moment they don't mean to follow through with. Sucks about the whole dating thing. Sorry it didn't pan out the way you hoped but please don't be too discouraged. Have fun on your next dates.

 

Yes, totally. I had a lunch date like that last week. Good looking guy, good conversation, but no click. Thing is we both knew and parted ways and that was it. No promises or expectations.

 

That is the part that is hard. If it doesn't click, why act like it does? And if something changes on the way home, why? I know pretty early on in the date if it is a go forward or not and try not to play games with them.

[BaileyB]

It is a grind. I'm sorry.

 

I wouldn't take it too personally, you never know what is happening in his life and with his children. It just wasn't right for him, for whatever reason. Try not to make up reasons when you really don't know what happened.

 

You should be proud of yourself for taking the risk. It didn't work out this time, but maybe next time it will be a different story...

[Gaeta]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Even though it was a no for tomorrow, I don't regret checking on it.

 

You never know, he may return. But these things always make me question if it was something I did and he sat and thought about it.

 

He talked about some of the women he was meeting who really didn't try to get to know him and just seemed that they were checking off boxes. That the date wasn't about just meeting up with someone. He said that is what turned him off to them and OLD in general.

 

So then I start wondering if I did something similar. I don't think I did and he certainly acted like he enjoyed the conversation, but who knows. This is what can be so frustrating.

 

But I guess with the right one it won't matter. He will like and accept me know matter what I say or do.

 

I feel bad because I rejected someone early this week. We just weren't a match and he may have gotten his hopes up. But I told him when he asked for the second date and didn't leave him hanging. I just feel bad about all of it because it is a grind.

 

I am glad you checked up too now you know there is nothing there for you to pursue. Not only he didn't call but he was about to leave for the weekend without telling you your plans for Saturday were off. This is not a good man for you. Next! Even if he gets back to you after his trip do not reply to him. He's out! You can forgive 1 mistake but not 2 like this.

 

You did nothing bad. Notice often people will accuse others of mistakes they're doing themselves. He accused other women to not take time to get to know him and look what he does to you!

 

I am sorry you are disappointment but better to know now at least it won't ruin your weekend wondering why you have not heard from him.

[selinaluv]

It is a grind. I'm sorry.

 

I wouldn't take it too personally, you never know what is happening in his life and with his children. It just wasn't right for him, for whatever reason. Try not to make up reasons when you really don't know what happened.

 

You should be proud of yourself for taking the risk. It didn't work out this time, but maybe next time it will be a different story...

 

Thank you for the vote of confidence. The me a year/year and a half ago would not have acted and nexted on it so quickly. So the fact that I asked and took whatever news came my way is progress. Old me would have fretted. Also the fact that I am pretty much already getting over it and responding to others is also progress.

[selinaluv]

I am glad you checked up too now you know there is nothing there for you to pursue. Not only he didn't call but he was about to leave for the weekend without telling you your plans for Saturday were off. This is not a good man for you. Next! Even if he gets back to you after his trip do not reply to him. He's out! You can forgive 1 mistake but not 2 like this.

 

You did nothing bad. Notice often people will accuse others of mistakes they're doing themselves. He accused other women to not take time to get to know him and look what he does to you!

 

I am sorry you are disappointment but better to know now at least it won't ruin your weekend wondering why you have not heard from him.

 

Yes! Good points. I have no idea if he was going to let me know... but he hadn't yet. That was rude and indicative of a pattern I caught early on.

 

I also love your point of people accusing others of mistakes they do. I have noticed this. They complain about how people do them wrong, then they do the same thing.I was doing the exact opposite of what he was complaining about (and I know, cause I just know my style) and he still blew me off quickly. And led me on about it.

 

I have experienced this a couple times. I may do the same, but I am trying to be upfront and honest as soon as I know how I feel.

 

I have a feeling he may come back. It seems to be his style.

[Titanll]

Has he rejected you? I apologize if I missed the post.

 

Now, you have rejected a guy or guys because things didn't click and it would be a wonderful world if everyone was open and honest but that isn't always the case.

 

If the guy has rejected you or is going to, it sucks but you have been on both ends and know how it feels on both ends. All of this is a grind only if you let it be. Just try to concentrate on the positive.

 

Goodness, dating is fun! I never saw it as a grind even on the bad dates...I usually picked the restaurant if it was a dinner date so I at least enjoyed my dinner haha!

[act00]

I think you're worrying more because you really felt a connection. I would be clawing walls wondering why no contact. I'm lucky in that the guy I'm seeing is in contact daily. I am not one to sit back and wait. I would have contacted him the next day, just to say hi, how was your day? I really suck at this "don't text and wait X amount of time game." I like him, and I think he should know. I don't flog him with texts. Mine is busy with kids and job as well, and I'm feeling a little pushed aside and insecure, but I really like this guy. We get along so well, and he's really a keeper, so I'm really in limbo right now, but patience is key.

 

This man is doing what a good man does by being involved with his children and activities. You would think less of him if he blew off his daughter's tournament and opportunity to spend time with her and responsibility as a parent. When you've been dating longer, maybe he would have planned his trip a little differently, or you would have gone with...because you hit that place. That's the target. For now, the kids aren't involved. No introductions until things get serious.

 

All seems well, but you are both very busy and kids/job trump everything. Hang in there and allow things to grow. No one knows how this will progress, but you have to try, and you'll feel better having done so.

[Popsicle]

Hello,

 

So I think I may need to be "talked off a ledge" here. I am just so frustrated with this all sometimes.

 

I have been going on quite a few dates and not making connections. I know when connection is made and try to not read into things that aren't there. I have been good at this lately and not taking things as personally.

 

So two nights ago I went out for a drink date with a guy who has been trying for a few months but I had to cancel once and timing wasn't right. We have a friend in common, so I had a feeling it would go well. He admitted he was frustrated with dating and took himself off the sites (which is true). He said this year he will focus on him and if something develops so be it. If not, he isn't going to force it.

 

I get all that and appreciate the honesty.

 

But despite that we have a great date. It truly was. We talked freely, it was clear there was attraction, he bought the drinks, walked me to my car, had a bunch of hugs and a very small kiss. He did not push for anything else. Lots in common.

 

I could tell there was a connection of some kind and his body language showed it. Near the end of the date he told me he thought I was a very cool person and he wants to get to know me more and see me again. He reiterated that a few times, then proceeded to tell me about his weekend schedule to let me know he is available on Saturday.

 

So all good. I left and texted him a quick thank you for the drinks when he got home and he responded "my pleasure".

 

And that is the last I heard. It has only been a day but he did say he would call yesterday and he didn't. He is a full time single dad (we have this single parent thing in common) so I know he is busy.

 

The thing is I know I didn't imagine this. I am not reading into something that isn't there. He made the attraction known in a subtle way and I could feel his interest. As I think he did mine. Then he confirms it with words and action to plan another date.

 

I know I am probably jumping the gun, but the silence confuses me. He was never a big texted to be honest, but it make me doubt if he was genuine just based on past experiences.

 

And if he wasn't not a huge deal cause I have a few other dates that could be in the pipeline. But I am so frustrated because of reading things so wrong. If this isn't something that goes further, then I just just don't know.

 

Sounds like there really wasn't enough spark felt on the date on either side.

[selinaluv]

Has he rejected you? I apologize if I missed the post.

 

Now, you have rejected a guy or guys because things didn't click and it would be a wonderful world if everyone was open and honest but that isn't always the case.

 

If the guy has rejected you or is going to, it sucks but you have been on both ends and know how it feels on both ends. All of this is a grind only if you let it be. Just try to concentrate on the positive.

 

Goodness, dating is fun! I never saw it as a grind even on the bad dates...I usually picked the restaurant if it was a dinner date so I at least enjoyed my dinner haha!

 

He hasn't outright rejected me. It was more the leading on and saying I was great, wanting to see me again, setting a potential day, then backing off.

 

I actually don't know where he stands, but at this point I have already moved on talking to others.

 

The grind part is thinking one thing and being let down. It can get tiresome. But you are right, if I let it be. I actually had a date for tonight with someone I was lukewarm about. I actually cancelled this morning cause I just didn't have it in me and rescheduled for another day.

 

I am trying to be more true to myself in this process.