How can I make him choose me again?

[LiNuttree1]

My Ex Bf and I have a very complicated history of first me going cold on our relationship, then trying to get back together and so it went back and forth a couple of times. During all this time (nearly a year now) we have always stayed in contact and share a deep connection despite all the complication.

Two months ago he wanted to make a clear cut - either being together or be apart. At that moment I had a lot on my plate with other stuff and couldn't agree to be back together.

After that I slowly realized what a huge mistake I had made and how in love I have always been with this guy that I can't imagine a future without him.

Three weeks ago I gathered all my courage and told him how I feel and that I wanted to try again. He was very hesitant and told me that he thinks that he is still in love with me but the thought of us breaking up again is blocking his will of being together.

I am so unsure what to do. There's also another girl involved that he's seeing and he lied to me about having seen her the day before we met yesterday. I am so afraid that our turbulent future has destroyed all chances of getting back together and that this new girl is the "easier" choice for him. I asked him directly if his blockage has something to do with choosing between two women, but he said no.

 

What can I do, I don't want to push him, I don't want to beg - I only want to be with him and make him see that we can do it this time and have learned from our mistakes.

[Maldives]

My Ex Bf and I have a very complicated history of first me going cold on our relationship, then trying to get back together and so it went back and forth a couple of times. During all this time (nearly a year now) we have always stayed in contact and share a deep connection despite all the complication.

Two months ago he wanted to make a clear cut - either being together or be apart. At that moment I had a lot on my plate with other stuff and couldn't agree to be back together.

After that I slowly realized what a huge mistake I had made and how in love I have always been with this guy that I can't imagine a future without him.

Three weeks ago I gathered all my courage and told him how I feel and that I wanted to try again. He was very hesitant and told me that he thinks that he is still in love with me but the thought of us breaking up again is blocking his will of being together.

I am so unsure what to do. There's also another girl involved that he's seeing and he lied to me about having seen her the day before we met yesterday. I am so afraid that our turbulent future has destroyed all chances of getting back together and that this new girl is the "easier" choice for him. I asked him directly if his blockage has something to do with choosing between two women, but he said no.

 

What can I do, I don't want to push him, I don't want to beg - I only want to be with him and make him see that we can do it this time and have learned from our mistakes.

 

Welcome to my world lol. It's been 7 mths in my case NC and not even a breadcrumb from the ex however there's a lot more to it then that. Anyway this isn't about me it's about u. I'm pretty sure his new gf has caused confusion. I've been there wen my ex wife suddenly decided aftrr mths and mths of hot n cold being broken up she wanted to work on things but I'd met someone lol and yes I wss very confused. Aftrr som period or time i wanted to try wth the ex wife and lo and behold she changed her mind and wanted a divorce. So I can see why he's hesitant. All u can do is reassure him but don't if u really aren't sure ureself. Nothing worse then breaking it off wth someone then contacting them and then going hot and cold.

So my advice if u r absolutly 100 percent sure u want him that means u probably most likely will still hav the same issues r u really prepared to deal wth that? Ask ureself som hard questions then if u r ask how serious he is about this other woman but don't go hot n cold on him. Hopefully tho its not the reverse and u take that risk either and he flakes out on u. It's hard to repair something that's broken incredibly hard not impossible but requires real commitment thru good n bad o both ur ends

[Sweetfish]

My Ex Bf and I have a very complicated history of first me going cold on our relationship, then trying to get back together and so it went back and forth a couple of times. During all this time (nearly a year now) we have always stayed in contact and share a deep connection despite all the complication.

Two months ago he wanted to make a clear cut - either being together or be apart. At that moment I had a lot on my plate with other stuff and couldn't agree to be back together.

After that I slowly realized what a huge mistake I had made and how in love I have always been with this guy that I can't imagine a future without him.

Three weeks ago I gathered all my courage and told him how I feel and that I wanted to try again. He was very hesitant and told me that he thinks that he is still in love with me but the thought of us breaking up again is blocking his will of being together.

I am so unsure what to do. There's also another girl involved that he's seeing and he lied to me about having seen her the day before we met yesterday. I am so afraid that our turbulent future has destroyed all chances of getting back together and that this new girl is the "easier" choice for him. I asked him directly if his blockage has something to do with choosing between two women, but he said no.

 

What can I do, I don't want to push him, I don't want to beg - I only want to be with him and make him see that we can do it this time and have learned from our mistakes.

 

 

We need to know why you went cold in the relationship and how long?

[LiNuttree1]

We were together for 3 years and I had the feeling that he didn't appreciate me and what I did for him enough, so I went cold. I suggested to take a time out which lasted appr. 3 months then I wanted to get back together, but he was hurt and weird and it didn't happen. Then he asked again (another 2 months later) but I was too proud and didn't want to give in. Then there was a time span of about 3 months when we were both abroad and he initiated a lot of contact, which I didn't do in the same amount. After we were both back, we met quite a lot and were also intimate. My feelings have grown over that time, but I didnÄt realize how much until I saw the option of losing him forever.

[PegNosePete]

There's also another girl involved that he's seeing

There's really nothing you can do here. You told him how you feel, and he's made his choice.

 

I asked him directly if his blockage has something to do with choosing between two women, but he said no.

Of course it is.

 

Stay in a new, exciting, drama-free relationship... or go back to a relationship that has been up and down for a long time now and is unlikely to stand the test of time.

 

The best thing you can do it leave him alone now. You've told him how you feel and if he changes his mind he knows your number.

[d0nnivain]

Walk away & don't look back. Your relationship has been irretrievably broken for some time now. He was neglecting you. You went cold. You broke up before. When he wanted to get back together you said no. Now he's dating somebody else.

 

 

You don't really want the mess that was your relationship back. You want a good healthy happy relationship but out of sentimentality you are deluding yourself into thinking you can have it with him. You can't. There's too much water under the bridge.

 

 

End this once & for all. Mourn the loss & then move on.

[Chi townD]

I have an idea. Why don't you chose YOU for a change.

 

I understand that you love this guy but you you really want to be with someone that is unsure that he wants to be with you? And besides, you already know that he has another girl in his life. So, if he's able to move onto someone else within three weeks, what does that tell you? It should tell you that he's moving on! It should tell you that he doesn't see a relationship with you if he's already moved on to someone else. If he thought there was a chance, he wouldn't be dating other girls. There would be a strong chance he would be holding out for the possibility to be with you again.

 

I know what I wrote probably hurts to read. And that's really not my intention. I just want you to see with your eyes as to what's going on.

 

So, chose you. Do you for a while. There's nothing wrong with being single and re-invent yourself. So, you need to start living your life as if he isn't coming back. Because, chances are, he's not. You need to start NC (No Contact) and start disconnecting yourself from this relationship. Then, you need to start doing things to keep you busy. Go back to school. Get new hobbies. Something that will burn up some time and something that you enjoy doing. A lot of times, there are clubs in you area with people that have a shared interest in that hobby, so join them! Go to the gym! Push some weight and run your ass off on the treadmill. You'll be burning off a lot of your stress and frustration while you work on getting that tight and sexy Body! You might catch some guys at the gym looking at your butt as you walk by in them yoga pants. You might think, "Perverts!" But, you'll be thinking it with a smile on your face! Take a cooking class or diving lesson, join a cycling Club or a running club. Join co-ed sports. Put yourself out there and meet new people! Then, finally travel! Go see something new! Expose yourself to different people and different cultures!Think of a place that you've always wanted to see. Save for it and make a plan...then GO!!! You have no reason not to!!!!!

 

So, get motivated! Re-invent yourself!!!

[Superchicken]

A couple of posts above are brutal, good suggestions, but with everything, take a little from each, see which is more in line with your views, and stich together your Frankenstein's monster result and action plan.

 

 

I'll add mine here, and that is, you mostly cause all the problems.

Regardless of what you had going on, you must have known whether you loved this guy, and could see a future with him.

If you didn't, then take d0nnivain's suggestion, Its right on the money.

 

 

Your life saving comment came from your ex, that he was willing , but needed a more stable foundation than your bowl of jelly you have shown him so far.

 

 

Does he still love you ?, Oh yeah, he does. No if's or But's..

You cant shut it off like a tap.

But, please, don't just think of yourself here. If you are sure you can commit the time, and energy, and most important SHARE YOURSELF, then see him, and tell him everything you feel, and want to see and do in the future with HIM. Not just for the few weeks, but years from now...

 

 

This is what we want to hear, and he can then make a informed decision.

A few weeks with another girl isn't a strong wall to tear down, so make sure you know what you want.

When it comes to love, its a NO RULES fight for the one you love.

 

 

If not, Chi townD suggestion is smack on correct.

 

 

Do it now, as tomorrow may be too late.

 

 

May I suggest you hold his hands, or stand really close to him when you say it, as that will add a heavy leverage in your favour. It tends to melt our defences somewhat...

 

 

Let us know here how it went.

 

 

Ted.

Edited May 13, 2017 by Superchicken

[BaileyB]

Mature, healthy relationships don't have an on-again, off-again pattern. This just doesn't happen when there is good communication, respect, and commitment from both partners. Your immaturity and indecision has cost you this relationship. Learn from this experience.

 

He has made his choice and you need to respect that. Don't sit around, waiting for him to come back to you or "chose you." You want to be with someone who loves you without doubt, and chooses you over all others. This is not that guy... So live your life, meet other people, and move on... I'm sorry.

[Redhead14]

I am so afraid that our turbulent future -- Is this some kind of Freudian slip? I think you mean't turbulent 'past' . . . nevertheless, that statement is likely the reality of the situation. The history of this relationship is likely a predictor of the future.

 

thought of us breaking up again is blocking his will of being together -- Given your history that is a legitimate and totally understandable concern. What would make him believe that this time would be different?

 

I asked him directly if his blockage has something to do with choosing between two women, but he said no.

 

This guy told you that he was hesitant because of the history between you and now he's saying something different. What you can and should assume is that he is absolutely conflicted. Back off and let him make the decision that is best for him because the truth is, if he chooses what's best for him, it will be best for you too.

[mikeylo]

Let go.

 

Is your desire to have a relationship with him coming from the fact that he is seeing someone else now and isn't chasing you ? Could be a possibility.