being single= daunting

[penelopeanne]

I have always been in long term relationships.

In between I have had a few months of being totally single (maybe 4 max) since I was 15. I am in my late 30's and just had a break up a couple months ago.

I don't know how to embrace this new single life.

I am sure it could be a great opportunity for me to work through my patterns of being codependent, and being with emotionally unavailable men and dealing with self esteem issues.

But I am finding it a bit daunting.

it might be extra scary given my age.

Thoughts of the dating world freak me out and of course I am not ready for that (I found out my ex has already been back on tinder! only 2 months post breakup!)

I have so much healing to do. I am still uncertain about ever having a child, and at 39 I am feeling like time is running out.

Anyone else in the same boat?

How do you start to embrace it?

What do you do to break free of your old patterns and learn more self love?

[Chilli]

Well , sorta.

l'm a male and have a few more yrs on ya but yeah l worry about time too. l know l don't have to think about getting preg butttt.

l was with my ex 20yrs married 16 and when we split l was mostly single 3, met a few but no one pushed any buttons, mainly just trying to recover.

Then l met gf and we were together 14mths but although she really was something, we just had trouble and sooo, here l am again.

But l really worry about time in it all too.

 

Personally l think for you though, 3mths is nothing you can still spare a good 12 even more unless mr perfect happened to rock up in the meantime, you've still got the time.

Thing is, repeating the pattern right now could only leave you back in this sitch again but in a few more yrs and that'll be much worser timing than right now.

Really ,l'd step back right now,take some time out. You don't have to do the dating crapola just live for you for awhile and you'll probably just accidentally meet someone down the track anyway without all that bs,

[Popsicle]

It's because you do not see all the pros of being single, and all the cons of being stuck in a relationship.

[1fish2fish]

I am recently single, gratefully out of a toxic relationship. And I'm in my early 50s.

 

I never wanted children of my own, so I can't relate there, however, yes - being single IS daunting.

 

And f*cking amazing too!!!!

 

The possibilities opening up to me are endless!!!

 

What helped me get back on my feet and enjoy this "alone" time was a period of stillness and solitude. I went up to a friend's cabin in the mountains for a few weeks with just my books, my bike and my running shoes, and I spent that time in nature thinking and reading.

 

I got to know myself again and enjoy my own company. I made lists, short term and long term, of goals, desires, dreams...

 

I wrote in my journal. I cried. I let myself feel whatever my emotions were feeling.

 

And I feel renewed.

 

Embrace this time and get to know yourself. If you don't like what you see, take steps to change it.

 

And have fun!

[penelopeanne]

this is all very helpful, thank you.

I have friends to talk to but none are in the position I am right now, though I know when one might be, I will have a lot to offer them in terms of understanding and advice.

the thing is, right after the break up I took a few days to go away to NYC myself, try and clear my head a bit, write in cafes, be anonymous and be out of my normal routines.

Then a few weeks later I was able to take a wonderful solo trip to Mexico which was challenging only because I felt so sad and heartbroken but it was amazing to be on my own and take the time. I did a lot of resting and reading and writing and exploring.

I am pretty good at self care and sometimes I can see there is an opportunity here.

But the last week or so I have fallen down the dark hole again.

I think part of it is because I was spending too much time on social media which I can see has caused more anxiety. I would look at his pages and he would like things on mine, which felt so bizarre.

so now I have cut that out so it feels like I have backtracked to really letting go.

we still share our netflix/hulu accounts, the last piece of sharing and I have to figure that out I suppose.

anyways, I guess I am just starting to want to stop the obsessive thinking and move ahead. I want to just focus on ME.

I have no interest in dating but being without the companionship and affection has been SO HARD.

[jbp005]

I don't mind being single

 

Dating sucks...

[Maldives]

this is all very helpful, thank you.

I have friends to talk to but none are in the position I am right now, though I know when one might be, I will have a lot to offer them in terms of understanding and advice.

the thing is, right after the break up I took a few days to go away to NYC myself, try and clear my head a bit, write in cafes, be anonymous and be out of my normal routines.

Then a few weeks later I was able to take a wonderful solo trip to Mexico which was challenging only because I felt so sad and heartbroken but it was amazing to be on my own and take the time. I did a lot of resting and reading and writing and exploring.

I am pretty good at self care and sometimes I can see there is an opportunity here.

But the last week or so I have fallen down the dark hole again.

I think part of it is because I was spending too much time on social media which I can see has caused more anxiety. I would look at his pages and he would like things on mine, which felt so bizarre.

so now I have cut that out so it feels like I have backtracked to really letting go.

we still share our netflix/hulu accounts, the last piece of sharing and I have to figure that out I suppose.

anyways, I guess I am just starting to want to stop the obsessive thinking and move ahead. I want to just focus on ME.

I have no interest in dating but being without the companionship and affection has been SO HARD.

 

Yup me at 45 no kids in n out of relationships my patterns hav been trust and dependency

This time I'm taking time out just can't afford to waste this amount of time again making mistakes and being wth a weak woman again

[1fish2fish]

this is all very helpful, thank you.

I have friends to talk to but none are in the position I am right now, though I know when one might be, I will have a lot to offer them in terms of understanding and advice.

the thing is, right after the break up I took a few days to go away to NYC myself, try and clear my head a bit, write in cafes, be anonymous and be out of my normal routines.

Then a few weeks later I was able to take a wonderful solo trip to Mexico which was challenging only because I felt so sad and heartbroken but it was amazing to be on my own and take the time. I did a lot of resting and reading and writing and exploring.

I am pretty good at self care and sometimes I can see there is an opportunity here.

But the last week or so I have fallen down the dark hole again.

I think part of it is because I was spending too much time on social media which I can see has caused more anxiety. I would look at his pages and he would like things on mine, which felt so bizarre.

so now I have cut that out so it feels like I have backtracked to really letting go.

we still share our netflix/hulu accounts, the last piece of sharing and I have to figure that out I suppose.

anyways, I guess I am just starting to want to stop the obsessive thinking and move ahead. I want to just focus on ME.

I have no interest in dating but being without the companionship and affection has been SO HARD.

 

 

You haven't backtracked at all. the ups and downs are all part of moving forward. You're doing all the right things and I am so impressed with your Mexico trip!

 

I'm assuming he's blocked now on social media (that has been key to my healing...he, along with his friends, have all been blocked) and hopefully, the last tie to sever is the hulu/netflix account. But, seriously. Is sharing an account worth your mental and emotional health? Let it go.

 

You are doing great! Keep it up, and when you're weak, come here and post.

[penelopeanne]

i haven't blocked him yet and i stupidly keep going on instagram to his account and i have stopped posting so that I wont get his likes and just needing a break from it in general its distracting me from healthier things.

but i think I am going to remove myself from his netflix profile and change my password on hulu. this feels like the final step, and it feels hard.

why is it so hard?

it is NOT healthy for me to see him on social media or get his stupid likes or see what he is watching. i KNOW this, but it's still hard!

i've never had to deal with this aspect of a break up before.

[1fish2fish]

I think it's hard because having hope gives us temporary relief from the finality of it all. By blocking the ex everywhere, you're essentially killing the last shred of hope at some sort of reconciliation? Remorse?

 

I did that the last time my ex and I broke up. He had lashed out at me in an angry drunken fueled rage and was a total d*ck to me, and yet, although I broke up with him, I didn't delete him on fb. And in 2 weeks I reached out by commenting on a post, and that lead us to start dating again. wtf???

 

This time was different.

 

Protect yourself. Put yourself first. You will feel so much better once he's blocked everywhere.

[penelopeanne]

yes i think you are right. i was kind of leaving the door open a bit, being in some sort of touch online. he loves social media and is addicted to it. i have always felt there was a sort of void to it.

i have been waiting for some sort of validation. he is avoidant so it is like waiting for more dead air. this is a painful realization.

[nasc88]

i haven't blocked him yet and i stupidly keep going on instagram to his account and i have stopped posting so that I wont get his likes and just needing a break from it in general its distracting me from healthier things.

but i think I am going to remove myself from his netflix profile and change my password on hulu. this feels like the final step, and it feels hard.

why is it so hard?

it is NOT healthy for me to see him on social media or get his stupid likes or see what he is watching. i KNOW this, but it's still hard!

i've never had to deal with this aspect of a break up before.

 

Block him. Now. For your own sake.

I am going through a different break up now BUT a few years ago I went through something similar. He would message me on FB. Comment on my photos. First to like everything. I could NEVER move on and every time I saw his name on my feed I felt like I was being punched in the gut. Trust me. Block him. I remember after I did it he emailed me and said "You blocked me? What do you hate me?" Um, yes actually I do. You broke my heart. It is the only way you're going to move forward. Trust me.

[nasc88]

Dating is tough. Being single after being in a relationship is tough. I spent most of my life single. 20s, early 30s. Then I started getting into some serious relationships. I miss it. I miss the partnership. The knowing that someone is always there for you. That being said being in the wrong relationship is just as lonely as not being in one. I struggle with this myself and how to find things to fill that void. Everyone on here has been so supportive and preached to just ride the highs and lows. Eventually you will come out the other side stronger. I get it though.

[1fish2fish]

Everyone on here has been so supportive and preached to just ride the highs and lows. Eventually you will come out the other side stronger. I get it though.

 

Riding out the highs and lows takes a lot of mental discipline. I was fine this morning and then got hit by a tidal wave of overwhelming feelings of loss and sadness. It was like this warming sensation that went from my head to my toes.

 

I had to take a couple of deep breaths and tell myself that I am worth more, I deserve more, and that this will pass.

 

I feel "fine" now, and maybe I'm a little stronger for the next time it hits. Sunday will mark 1 month NC.

[nasc88]

Riding out the highs and lows takes a lot of mental discipline. I was fine this morning and then got hit by a tidal wave of overwhelming feelings of loss and sadness. It was like this warming sensation that went from my head to my toes.

 

I had to take a couple of deep breaths and tell myself that I am worth more, I deserve more, and that this will pass.

 

I get that. I have moments where I need to just stop and breathe. Deep deep breathes or else I go down the rabbit hole of depression. When it hits you it hits you hard.

 

I'm only 11 days of NC this go round. I'm glad I have been. Lines get blurred and it makes it hard to move forward when you keep having that hope that things are going to change. This makes it feel more final.

[d0nnivain]

Like you I was a serial monogamist but found myself single & alone at 37. It was odd. I was single for 2 years but that is not to say I was lacking in male companionship. I had a FWB thing going on. I also had a series of childhood buddies who occasionally needed a "date" for a wedding or work party so I got to go to all their fancy shindigs, which was fun.

 

 

I had to make a concerned effort to learn how to date as an adult. I'd never gotten a BF outside of an academic environment. Even my last BF was somebody I'd gone to HS with but didn't know back then. We reconnected at a reunion so dating was . . . different.

 

 

I forced myself to put myself out there at least once per week. I made an effort to go to MeetUps, singles events etc.

 

 

I was trying to grow my newly opened business at that point too so I was also learning to network. Sometimes I'd combine my efforts to get clients with my efforts to get a BF & that is ultimately how I met my husband at a business card exchange in a bar.

 

 

I have no interest in dating but being without the companionship and affection has been SO HARD.

 

 

To combat the loneliness, I did a few things:

 

 

1. Worked late

 

 

2. spent more time with my parents believe it or not because they were incredibly social & were always going out to parties, clubs etc. Their friends were of varied ages & included a lot of people my age; I wasn't completely surrounded with senior citizens.

 

 

3. I reconnected with childhood friends

 

 

4. I took on several volunteer positions

 

 

5. I got a dog

 

 

6. I feathered my own nest. Especially in the winter when I just didn't want to go out, I'd light a fire, open a bottle of wine & settle in with a good book. That made me happy, being ensconced on my couch under a blanket with the dog. So even though I was alone I wasn't lonely.

 

 

The trick is to pamper yourself, in part because there is nobody else to do it for you. You have to do what makes you happy. In doing that you will find your next companion. You seem to be self soothing through travel. One of my friends took that route & had all sorts of adventures.

[penelopeanne]

How do you get used to the loss of intimacy and affection? This is where I am struggling.

Right now it makes me feel ill to think of being physical with someone else- my ex and I at least had a pretty good physical connection and attraction, and we turned each other on. But I guess with the emotional side lacking, after 2 years, this is not enough.

[1fish2fish]

How do you get used to the loss of intimacy and affection? This is where I am struggling.

Right now it makes me feel ill to think of being physical with someone else- my ex and I at least had a pretty good physical connection and attraction, and we turned each other on. But I guess with the emotional side lacking, after 2 years, this is not enough.

 

I can completely relate. The physical connection with my ex was the strongest I've ever had, although he was a selfish lover. But we had zero emotional intimacy.

 

Hugging my cats isn't quite the same.

 

It sucks.