A breakup that boggles the mind

[penelopeanne]

thank you 1fish.....

seeing him was helpful in some ways and it also set me back to feeling the grief again, like at the beginning.

yesterday i had that awful pit in my stomach and i couldn't eat and everything made me want to cry.

i felt like i did a couple months back.

i am stuck in nostalgia land, missing the little things about him.....because those are the only things i truly miss.

when i saw him, i got a taste of his sort of manic lifestyle with work and being busy and stressed.

its clear as day that i can't be around that.

and i feel a bit hurt that our conversation was all about him and his woes and not so much about me, but that is how it is with him.

that's how it was with us.

he didnt even ask me how my cancer screenings are going, i have had 2 since the split, but what can i expect?

these are the things i need to hang onto and remember as i fall back into nostalgia/missing land.

he gave me a little, but i needed a lot more.

[uniquebk01]

I can completely relate. My recent break up while rational was very hurtful because of the intensity. I am still struggling to make sense of what happened. Similarly to your partner, mine was not ready as well and dealing with some issues that affected the level of commitment..well we both were. and sometimes the best things happened for the reason. I miss my ex too and put them on a pedestal. Its very hard I can relate completely.

[penelopeanne]

it's true.....the whole thing can make perfect sense and be for the better but it still hurts.

that is where i have been stuck.

and vacillating between rational brain and nostalgia brain has been really tough.

i miss him and i have fond memories with him.

but there was a lot missing.

and i can't help but hang onto those simpler things....

but the big things, like him not really giving me any time or energy, even showing concern for me or showing much interest, letting me down and not being able to communicate or empathize is hard for me to hang onto.

shouldn't that be enough to knock me out of this sad place?

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Yes, when you start thinking about reasons why you deserve more.

 

When you start believing you deserve more.

 

I'm right there with you.

I am struggling to not be the girl who laps up the breadcrumbs and says yummie!

 

I have to remind myself every day that I deserve a sandwich and will never settle for breadcrumbs. That helps me to not be so sad and needy.

[penelopeanne]

it’s a strange stage to be in, now a few days shy of 5 months.

I know that the break up was the right thing and I know I am on a much healthier path. and I wouldn’t have done a lot of things I did in the last 5 months if we were still together.

I am settling into this phase a bit, and trying to embrace being single.

something I am not used to and it is still an adjustment.

my ex is like a stranger to me and when I have seen him I just don’t feel a lot.

what I do struggle with is all in my head and some days I get stuck there.

maybe this is a result of abandonment and also the fact that our 2+ year relationship ended via email/text and the confusion and sort of death of it was hard to comprehend.

but all in all, it is for the best.

we weren’t the right fit.

we wanted different things.

I am accepting of this now.

I feel some pangs of sadness here and there.

this past weekend I was away with some of my girlfriends and it was a nice time.

but I am still adjusting to my new role of being single.

of being on my own and not the other half of a partnership.

for some reason this got to me a bit over the weekend.

even though i was surrounded by some women I adore. and only 2 were a couple, the other 2 friends are single.

it is an adjustment for me and i guess it will take some time.

I have to learn to be ok with myself and build up my confidence and do things I have wanted to do.

I can’t rely on a man to do these things for me.

I can’t always be the caretaker. I can’t keep being with unavailable men and want to fix them and help them.

I guess I need to keep reminding myself that the time now is for me.

I deserve it after spending so many years being that caretaker.

it is so daunting but i am coming into acceptance of it slowly but surely.

thanks for listening.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

So happy for you that you have reached this stage where you are accepting that it is over and it is better for you.

 

Next destination reaching over it stage.

 

Our only real friend in this process is time.

[penelopeanne]

 

Next destination reaching over it stage.

 

Our only real friend in this process is time.

 

 

thank you. time is our only friend, so true.

i find myself in a sad place the last few days, mostly about being on my own, planning a couple trips and sort of wanting someone to share it with (though I kind of love solo travel), kind of craving being a partner with someone BUT, it has to be the right fit.

and I can see this last one wasn't.

i do long to be over it. i know it will come.

I think the hard part has been facing the rejection and healing from a really crappy ending.

I have to accept the things I cannot change.

this is hard for me to do and such a process.

but I am learning along the way.

 

and maybe there is a way to flip it and not just look at it as an ending. maybe it is a beginning of sorts.

I sure have made a lot of improvements within myself.

I feel like I have gained wisdom and strength.

I feel sad that our chapter together has ended and this man I really cared about is no longer in my life.

But even now I still have dreams or even some thoughts like how much did he really care?

how self absorbed was he? and how much it hurt that he often didn't take my feelings into account.

or had a hard time showing compassion.

that we spent over 2 years as a couple and could barely tell each other we loved one another.

we weren't the right fit.

we are very different.

we are also very alike. and couldn't find our groove.

this is what i accept.

what is hard for me to accept is that it was out of my control.

that it ended without a fight.

that there wasn't much effort on his part and I feel i gave it so much of my energy.

I am not just the victim here.....a lot of my unresolved issues came into play as well.

I have to assume we both did our best.

[penelopeanne]

could really use some people to chat with.

i am doing ok, in fact, i have made tons of progress and have been working hard on myself.

accepting of the break up and knowing it was for the best.

doing some deep healing of old trauma.

trying to embrace life being single, for the first time in so long.

i get lonely and i crave contact.

but for the most part i know it is a blessing for me right now.

 

i am off social media completely right now which has been liberating.

it's mostly so i can focus on healthier things, i was finding it too distracting and over stimulating.

i was still creeping my ex on occasion.

so its weird to not be doing that but its great.

BUT, i feel a bit triggered today and i want to explain it a bit.

i went to an event last night with my family that was put on by my ex's work.

i was prepared to possibly see him, though i was hoping i wouldn't and i didn't end up seeing him. he wasn't there.

i talked with his coworkers who i love, that was nice.

i mean, maybe he was there somewhere in the crowd, it was a happening music event.

i was in a new dress and it felt nice.

after not seeing him i even had a moment or 2 feeling like i wish he had seen me like this!

crazy thoughts, but normal im sure.

i observed that. i told myself that i am the one i want to dress up for, not for someone else.

going to that event triggered something.

or maybe not seeing him did, and not being on social media to see what he is doing.

i had intense dreams involving him not being there for me.

i feel like he really failed me in the relationship when i was going through the worst, and i guess there may still be some resentment there.

so i suppose its a good thing i didn't see him. i'm not ready.

i thought maybe i was.

i want to talk to others who have made lots of steady progress only to feel a back lash like this.

and what to do with it?

i guess, sit through all the uncomfortable moments, let them pass.

be grateful i didn't have to interact with him and maybe next time i do i will feel stronger.

[penelopeanne]

I have made a lot of progress in the last 6 months.

I allowed myself to feel everything along the way, every uncomfortable feeling.

the first few months were the hardest as my self esteem took such a hit, rejection is hard to deal with and I was unsure how to handle being without a partner.

this is something I am not used to and is part of the uncomfortable feelings…..

how do I manage without someone to take care of, without a companion, someone to hold, someone to have a daily banter with, someone to show affection to?

it was completely daunting for awhile and I pushed hard to just focus on myself and do some serious self work.

it is a strange time to do the work since my heart was a bit broken and I was reeling from a very traumatic year (last year) but I have committed myself to better health, mentally and physically.

I am deep in 2 different therapies and I am practicing being more present when I can.

I am exercising more and have really gotten into running which has been a great therapy in of itself.

I have deepened some of my friendships and feel open to new ones.

In fact, I just feel more open in general.

I am starting to feel my self confidence rebuild itself (it wasnt just the break up, I always struggled with low self esteem)

I am embracing this time for ME.

I am the one that needs to be taken care of. For so long I have been in relationship after relationship, always putting myself 2nd.

Its really hard to get used to being single but I am feeling a bit liberated about it lately.

It has taken some time to get here.

And I have days where it is still a struggle- even today it is. Its a holiday and I wish I was working.

I am home, still in bed, no plans.

Not sure what to do with myself, feeling low energy.

I sometimes miss my ex in my life, it is weird to have had him suddenly disappear after being together for 2+ years (our break up was via email if you don’t know the story)

I went through a lot of tough times last year and he really couldn’t be there for me which was so hard. and he felt very guilty about it.

I know we arent a good fit, I accept that and quite honestly I wouldn’t want him back.

I think its the rejection and the weird ending that is hard for me.

Not to mention he has sort of regressed to an almost teenager it seems (he is mid/late 30s), and he is pretty toxic- so I find myself still creeping him on social media even though I have unfollowed him, just to try and see what is going on.

I know this is SO TOXIC for me, and I wish I would stop.

I wish I could stop caring.

I avoid him in real life the best I can and we have only seen eachother 2 times in the last 6 months, even living in such a small town.

I am concerned for him but not in a way that I feel like i need to do something.

my first interaction with him in late June, he was so emotional and seemed not ok at all and of course this sent my care taking ways into overdrive but that has since stopped.

I need to take care of me, this is my time.

He decided to leave, he couldn’t be the mature, empathetic person I desire.

We both had a lot of work to do and I am so grateful I am doing that work.

I am angry at him sometimes for how it ended, but I don’t think he was capable of much more.

It is hard for me to feel anger sometimes.

But even before the split, I wasnt feeling ok about us, I try to remember that.

this didnt come out of the blue- there was a lot missing in our relationship and I was struggling.

and he was pulling away each time I tried to bring it up.

It is clear as day that I want someone who is more mature and open and empathetic and caring and less selfish, as a partner, when the time is right.

again, this time is for me.

I am trying to embrace it each day, no matter what I am feeling.

I hope you all can get something from this post.

I hope someone can come in here and tell me to stop the social media madness, something I have not yet been able to let go of in the 6 months, only a few breaks here and there, bleh!

But I want you all to know that in time, things start to shift.

If i think about where I was at a few months ago, it was a totally different place.

Its hard work and it sucks but you will get there.

The light will start to come in. the really tough days will be less and less.

You will feel your heart begin to open up more, trust me.