A breakup that boggles the mind

[penelopeanne]

so why do I feel sad again? it's like this unfollowing has been another step, another break up.

another end.

it seems so silly to feel upset about this kind of thing.

[1fish2fish]

It's a roller coaster of emotions. Ride it through and just let yourself feel it.

Because it will pass!

 

The good thing about lows is that they're always followed by highs. In time, the highs will last longer.

 

You're going to be ok. Let yourself feel the grief, resist the urge to check social media, and trust that you'll feel better soon.

[penelopeanne]

and I failed, a bit.

pretty much after my last post, after doing some blocking and unfollowing....I sent my ex a film photo of himself I just scanned from our trip in february- I am a photographer and our only social media connection is he follows my photography instagram page, so I sent it privately on that.

he wrote me thank you, he even changed his profile pic to that one from what i can see in the message.

I am not sure why I did it.

I think for me the hardest thing has been the way things ended, and it's not that I want him back, I know he isn't in a healthy place. I know this break up is for the best. I know I wasn't happy in the relationship too and was the one that started to bring it all up. I don't even think I want to have conversation with him and not sure I would want to see him yet.

but there is something about how things just sort of suddenly died, and had a bit of a cold end, that really rattles my anxiety.

but why do I want to be friendly to someone who hurt me, even if it was unintentional?

and why would I want to be friendly or in connection on something so meaningless like social media?

when he couldn't even give me an actual conversation at the end?

obviously some of this must be my low self esteem right now.

why can't I just completely let go?

what am I looking for?

there will be no resolution, no validation, no closure.

I am dealing with an immature and detached person.

now I am in bed with a headache, I am sick today and not at work and I wonder how I can pull myself out of this sadness again.

I have to completely let go. this is the finality of it, for right now.

not seeing his posts and his weed addict friend's post WILL help me in my healing, I know this.

I just need a little help today. some reassurance.

I wish I could pm someone here, I find this place helpful but it is slow with response.

thanks for reading.

[1fish2fish]

I'm so sorry you're hurting, Penelope. Being sick doesn't help, either.

 

It's time to take care of yourself - physically and emotionally. The mind-body connection is real. Once you're feeling physically better, get moving. Be active. Get involved in something/anything outside of work to occupy your time. The worst thing you can do is stay home and mope.

 

Are there any local meetup groups you can join? I've joined a couple, and while I haven't actually attended any events, it's nice to have options.

 

You're going to have to be a little tough on yourself and force yourself to get out of the house and engage with other friends or activities, especially when you don't feel like it. Do it anyway.

 

You've got to change your thinking here. He was/is a loser. He won't change. He wasn't emotionally available to you, and behaved like a douche. Tell yourself that everytime thoughts of him enter your mind. Remind yourself that you are worth more and your self esteem is NOT tied to him.

 

Each time you reach out, you set yourself back. It's not worth the pain and you'll never get the response you want. So STOP!

 

You can do this. You are strong and smart and have a kind heart. You deserve better!

 

(((Hugs!!)))

 

Also...the only way out is through. You're still grieving. Let yourself grieve and feel the pain. Just don't act on it and do anything rash. Get it out of your system.

[penelopeanne]

you're right, fish....i will NEVER get the response that i want.

i never ever did the whole time we were together.

in fact, that was one of the things that was so crazy making.

I was yearning for his attention, I wanted him to open up.

I wanted him to say sweet things to me more.

I wanted him to be there for me, I wasn't super needy- but even just have him be empathetic, even as a friend.

instead of hiding or distancing.

he was always so busy, i felt like last priority.

the times we did share i ate them up. they were everything. i wanted to be around him, i liked being his girl.

we were always affectionate.

BUT there was something uneasy inside of me.

it never felt balanced.

something was off. the wall was up. i was fed crumbs.

I latched onto anything I got from him. I put my needs second.

all of this is so hard to recover from.

its like I lost myself. my self worth went down the drain.

being with an avoidant when you are anxious is so very hard!!

 

I am also realizing that I may be triggered the last few days by the online stuff and detaching from it....I saw an ad he posted looking for a roommate a couple days ago before I hid him and I saw pics of his apartment and its hard to think I wont be there ever again.

seeing those pics really stabbed me in the heart- we spent most of our time at his place.

I live alone in a studio but he has a whole house with roommates- that was hard for me to be there sometimes but his room was awesome and cozy and we had alone time there and watched movies and hung out, he cooked for us a lot.

I liked being there but i guess i was never 100% comfortable.

I also saw his dad a couple days ago and then his old roommates (a couple) that same day!!

so i guess i have been set off a bit.

thank you all for reading and sharing, i need it today.

being stuck in bed sick is not good for me right now but once I am better i am going to be more active for sure!

[1fish2fish]

Right now, you and I need some self actualization. That means reaching our potential, living our potential and being what we're meant to be. I've done this many times over, re-inventing myself.

 

What happens is that we're confident enough in what we're planning and doing that we're in tune with what our soul wants and needs. Motivation-->ambition--> vision.

 

Living a self actualized life is key to our self esteem.

 

It can be anything - creative, crafting, gardening, building, pursuing a new vocation, immersing yourself in something new...seeing a Shaman was an excellent step. Maybe continue on that path and take up mindful meditation?

 

What self actualization does is that it forces us to be rooted in the now - in reality. It's also great for mental discipline. Ultimately, it will cause you to believe in yourself and rise above the bs that you're going through now and bring you peace.

 

Even though you're sick in bed, you can start by researching for classes, ideas, tools, books, anything to start the process.

 

I'm in the process of transforming my backyard into a peaceful haven. It will take all summer, but by next year it will be my happy, serene oasis.

 

Hope you feel better soon!

[penelopeanne]

thank you for writing that.

i know that i need to start being more productive and being sick like this has been a set back.

maybe once i am feeling better physically i can get back to some of the clarity i was feeling.

i have been too isolated at home, i live alone and like i said have been sick and spent some time in bed.

not good for my obsessive thinking.

1fish- the garden oasis sounds so lovely.

thanks for the inspiration.

[1fish2fish]

Actually, that came from one of my many books I've been reading but it hit home with me.

 

Being sick in bed definitely isn't good for obsessive thinking.

 

My greatest wish for you is healing - physically and emotionally.

 

Are you in the US?

[penelopeanne]

Actually, that came from one of my many books I've been reading but it hit home with me.

 

Being sick in bed definitely isn't good for obsessive thinking.

 

My greatest wish for you is healing - physically and emotionally.

 

Are you in the US?

 

 

which book? I am reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, it's so good.

thank you for the well wishes. I had a good nap earlier.

I look forward to feeling better. physically but emotionally too!

this really does feel like an addiction.

I had a drinking problem for a good part of my life (sober many years now) and there are similarities here.

and yes, I am in the US

[penelopeanne]

someday I will stop watching the same 2 sitcoms over and over.

they have been comfort to me in the last few months and I fall asleep to them.

we do what we need to do to get by.

[1fish2fish]

I'm still reading Attached and it's giving me some comfort.

 

I'm also reading "The verbally Abusive Relationship" and it has some good info as well.

 

Which 2 sitcoms are you watching? I haven't had tv in over 10 years but when I housesit, I binge on Netflix. "Friends" reruns are my guilty pleasure.

 

Interesting about your past drinking problem. Congrats on your sobriety! I wonder if maybe you've transferred addictions? I grew up with 2 violent alcoholics, and while my first husband didn't drink and was emotionally stable, it scares me how quickly I became attached to an unstable addict.

 

I'm on the East Coast near the Nation's Capital. Do we live near each other?

[penelopeanne]

Which 2 sitcoms are you watching? I haven't had tv in over 10 years but when I housesit, I binge on Netflix. "Friends" reruns are my guilty pleasure.

 

Interesting about your past drinking problem. Congrats on your sobriety! I wonder if maybe you've transferred addictions? I grew up with 2 violent alcoholics, and while my first husband didn't drink and was emotionally stable, it scares me how quickly I became attached to an unstable addict.

 

I'm on the East Coast near the Nation's Capital. Do we live near each other?

 

 

seinfeld and the office, over and over.

yes it is interesting, i have my addictive qualities for sure.

in relationships i do lose myself a bit, put the other person before me.

i quit drinking over 6 years ago and i actually had a slip almost 3 years ago, a few months after my last break up. drank 2 times and never again since. and plan on never again.

this last relationship def sparked some addictive qualities. couldn't have what i wanted, felt neglected, was with a dissmissive avoidant.

but all of my exes were avoidants to some degree.

and i felt neglected in some way in all of them.

my self esteem needs some work.

 

I live on the east coast, in new england, 1fish.

[penelopeanne]

I am coming into a new phase now, I think. from the book I am reading it explains this as “the lifting”…..not totally there yet, but getting there. after having gone through the stages of grief over and over and over again.

I am finding myself with a little more acceptance and a little more clarity.

and also a little inner peace.

I think a lot of it has to do with my constant self work (i’m so tired!) and therapy and writing a lot and also going to a shaman healing ceremony recently.

I also had A LOT of grief in 2016 (over a handful of deaths of mostly younger people and all pretty tragic and a cancer diagnosis) so I am probably getting pretty damn tired of feeling sad.

and I am getting to really know grief well.

feeling it all, letting things come up and then pass.

tons of healing and self realization. I feel stronger than I have before.

I am grateful I have the tools and the will.

 

But as I come into this new phase, I am also struggling with what to do with myself.

I feel overwhelmed.

its that weird feeling of not knowing what to do so I just more often than not, keep to myself.

If i have work or an appointment, then great. I know where to be.

But yesterday after work, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I got on a bus to a few towns away and wandered the aisles of Target.

just being in the normal felt a bit comforting I guess.

I had pangs of sadness when there were some normal reminders (seeing a couple shop together, hearing a song that made me think of him, stuff like that)…..but also, I felt comfort running an errand for me. I enjoyed hearing people’s conversations as they shopped. I watched a little kid that reminded me of my niece and it made me happy.

there are so many people all around us.

I have so many great people in my life. people who should get my attention, who love me endlessly and show it.

I have more love to give and receive. I don’t want that to be shut off.

I want more experiences. I want to feel better.

So, I think this is the lifting.

or at least starting to be, and it is daunting and I don’t know what to do with myself.

For now, I am coming here.

I am trying to make plans with people.

Taking my pain with me even if it is shifting, feeling it all.

it feels strange to not really know what is going on with my ex since I detached from him on social media. there is mourning in that.

but I want to keep the focus on me.

I want to feel better and do believe I will in due time.

[penelopeanne]

I am still in this newish phase of acceptance and starting to see there is much more to life outside of my hearbroken bubble.

the only thing that has got me a bit stuck is that things were left so weird between the ex and i, so unresolved.

but I have to accept it as that.

i just hate having weirdness with someone, it makes me anxious.

I wonder about us running into each other in this small town and can't believe we mostly havent (except through a cafe window twice)

I am disturbed by my ex's overuse of cannabis and the stuff he posts online (that I have seek out which is so unhealthy for me)- I need to stop this because it is not good for me.

I have had a major setback by doing so since Friday.

I will try to not do that anymore, and focus on my self care.

the caretaker in me is curious on how he is.

he doesn't seem ok.

but it isn't my issue or concern.

so hard to break these old patterns though.

so much to learn.

so much to process.

[penelopeanne]

after i last wrote i did an ok job detaching from social media, but it is hard for me to not go and look, even with him unfollowed and his weed friends pages blocked.

i guess its hard for me to fathom all of this.

i feel pretty much indifferent……except for the fact that I have been doing some online creeping on him.

not sure what I am looking for. i havent talked to him/been face to face since mid february.

the break up happened online (email)

so things are still weird and i know we will eventually run into each other in this small town.

I don’t want to be with him, i think the break up was for the best.

but I find myself having such a hard time with all the space.

all the wonder.

maybe i would feel better if we just had the encounter and got it over with.

it feels like he died.

i know the pretty much no contact has been the right thing.

(just a few online interactions)

perhaps me continuing to look him up on various sites is stunting my self work.

[1fish2fish]

maybe i would feel better if we just had the encounter and got it over with.

it feels like he died.

i know the pretty much no contact has been the right thing.

(just a few online interactions)

perhaps me continuing to look him up on various sites is stunting my self work.

 

But maybe you would feel worse. Is it worth the risk?

 

You've gone through so much loss in the last year and you have a lot of grieving left to do. There are no short cuts except to go through it, and it really sucks.

 

You sound like you're doing a little better and doing all the right things. Trust in the process and just take it day by day. Baby steps.

[penelopeanne]

But maybe you would feel worse. Is it worth the risk?

 

You've gone through so much loss in the last year and you have a lot of grieving left to do. There are no short cuts except to go through it, and it really sucks.

 

You sound like you're doing a little better and doing all the right things. Trust in the process and just take it day by day. Baby steps.

 

yes you are so right! it might make me feel worse. maybe the universe has purposely kept us apart at this time.

I have come a long way in the last month or 2.

have done so much work, spiritually and emotionally.

I have more acceptance and have been dealing with a lot of the grief.

I have been able to have some fun. and really appreciating my friendships.

for some reason today I want to talk about the break up again, i want to relate to others, I haven't been in this space in awhile.

I guess its not necessarily a set back, it's just a lot to work through.

[1fish2fish]

I totally get it!

 

It IS a lot to work through, and sometimes (sometimes) re-hashing it over and over is the only way to work through it. So hash away!

 

I'm the same way. My exH tells me that I have a quota of words that I have to say before I can move on. lol! It's all part of the process.

 

You are doing great!!

[penelopeanne]

totally! it is such a process. and I have to remember i had a hell of a year before this break up. its hard for me to figure out what exactly I am feeling.

I guess I have a hard time having any type of weirdness with someone, especially it being someone I cared deeply for.

but I suppose this space and silence is for the best.

[penelopeanne]

where is this sadness coming from, is it because there has been so much silence and still no real life interaction?

is it because i’m totally breaking free by going off social media for awhile?

(i deactivated fb today and took instagram off my phone- needing to focus on healthier habits)

it’s so hard that we work across the street from each other so when i’m there i’m constantly looking out the door wondering if i will see him.

why do i want to see him?

to make him a real person, i suppose.

signs of life.

feels like he died.

i know that this is for the best but now in the 4th month post break up, feelings are resurfacing that had settled.

i feel pretty ok and healthy overall and have done a ton of work.

and i don’t want us to be together.

it's just having the weirdness is.....weird.

but i suppose the universe has kept us apart for a reason.

[penelopeanne]

its so strange because i know in my brain, in my heart- i can see that my ex and i are not a good match and we had different needs and our attachment styles clashed......but as i go about my daily life i get caught off guard with the obsessive thoughts, longing for resolve, hating the weirdness, feeling the grief.

and trying to let go of what i fantasized.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Hi Penelope,

 

I am so sorry you are still struggling. I have read through your posts and the comments and can definitely relate to your feelings of sadness at the loss. I am in my first week after BU. Tomorrow will be day 7. I am very much struggling with my feelings.

 

Have you ever hard of the figure-ground relationship? I remember reading about it in one of my college classes. The idea blew me away but this is the firt time I have made a connection to it that can help improve my life so thank you for that.

 

The principle in this concept is that our environment is full of what they call sensory data. All sensory data is directed at us at 100% rates. If your mind was to try to process all the sensory data that is around us, we would all go totally nutty or our brains would explode. The only thing that saves us and which makes us all different is this learned tool that our brain uses to ignore or filter out most of this data (white noise). This is what they call perception. We are only able to perceive a very small fraction of the total sensory data around us. The key thing to note is that this perception is learned.

 

You are stuck in this cycle of wondering about him because your brain is choosing to let those sensory data in and leaving other sensory data out.

 

At some point you have to take control of yourself and work on changing your brain's learned patterns. A lot of the advice given here in LS and on your post has been to block and do NC. I hope you can see that this advice is really worth listening to instead of puttting it in the white noice category.

 

I know you can do it! Just keep reminding yourself that you cannot save somebody else, they have to do the hard work themselves. But you can save yourself.

[penelopeanne]

thank you so much. i havent found much communication on this site lately...

i am doing ok for the most part except for the obsessing.

i just feel a bit unsettled.

maybe if i continue to integrate healthier habits into my routine, it will help.

there is a nagging desire to look for signs of life of my ex, who it feels like has died.

i know this has a lot to do with my patterns especially with care taking.

i am going to research what you wrote about, lonelyplanetmoon.

i do know i am dealing with a bit of an addict brain right now and it is driving me a bit crazy.

[penelopeanne]

it finally happened this morning and I kind of needed it to.

today actually marks 4 months since the break up and its been even longer than that since we have talked or been face to face.

I think because I am dealing with so much other stuff in terms of grief, I have been kind of wanting to see him since it feels like he died and something inside of me needed to sort of resolve that death.

I have worked through a lot and am doing a pretty good job on my self care and I do appreciate all of the space we had, that was a must.

Our paths just about crossed this morning and I yelled out to him as he was walking to his office.

he saw me and walked over. I said ‘you’re alive!’ and he said ‘barely’. and we hugged and he cried and cried, not what I expected to happen.

He said he was so sorry for everything and that he misses me so much and he couldn’t see me all this time and I agreed.

I have never seen him show this kind of emotion before, it took me by surprise.

he isn’t in a good place and that was apparent even before we broke up. he said he couldn’t put me through that anymore.

it wasn’t fair to me.

and he felt bad he couldn’t give me what I needed. He said I had him at his worst.

I told him that last year was such a crazy year for me and I wasn’t at my best.

He said ‘yeah but I couldn’t be there for you like you needed me to’.

that is true.

suddenly I was back in his crazy busy chaotic world for a bit.

I miss him but I don’t miss that.

it was so clear how we are in 2 different places and we were all along.

I am on a path of healing and self care.

He is running himself into the ground like he does and self medicating and admitting to it.

so it was good for me to see that and feel it again.

and know that we are not in a relationship anymore for the right reasons.

He said he still has feelings for me and cares very much, that this has been so hard….I guess I am conflicted on how I feel. of course I care for him.

I want him to be ok but I am doing a really good job learning how not to be a caretaker first, and focusing on me.

I don’t yearn for him. and he let me down a lot.

but he has a good heart and did the best he could.

I am going to have to sit with this a bit today.

I feel a huge relief after seeing him since the anticipation of our first encounter was causing me a lot of anxiety.

it made him a real person again, not just having him stuck in my head with all the idealizing and confusion.

[1fish2fish]

You have worked so hard to come this far, PenelopeAnne. Bravo to you!!

 

xoxo