A breakup that boggles the mind

[Bromeo]

this break up has made me go a bit crazy and maybe even during the relationship too.

I am slowly pulling myself out of the wreckage of being the anxious with the avoidant.

I am learning a lot from here, therapy, friends, reading etc... and maybe just starting to come out of the obsessive thinking and wallowing in the dark clouds questioning everything and trying to find myself again.

it has only been 2.5 months since our 2+ year relationship came to its death via email.

what a strange way for it to come to an end, but, it is not totally shocking.

I mean all along there were boundaries, bouts of silence, hot and cold, red flags, pulling away, pushing in, distance then crumbs of togetherness.....

all of it very confusing and crazy making.

you can read more of my story in the thread I started in the break up section, it is full of a heartbreaking year of grief and health issues while in this relationship.

its hard to say if the traumatic year I had did a number on our relationship, I'm sure it really affected it- and it was sooooooooo hard to be with someone that detached and he really let me down a lot.

but as I am learning about this attachment type, I am mixed with anger at what I put up with but also feeling some compassion from him because its all he knows.

yet, I am upset that he didn't put in the effort.

I never felt like priority.

and then he just disappeared out of my life.

oh, except for social media.

that is so immature in my book, but, oh you know I am only talking about a man-boy in his late 30's. bleh.

it's becoming a turn off now.

So sometimes I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and I know he may have had good intentions, but he also didn't want to face things (ie me, for a proper conversation regarding the end of us!) and that hurts.

it hurts my self esteem.

i'm struggling with self worth.

why did I stay in it thinking i could change him or that he would even want to?

 

Luv, I'm so sorry you are hurting so bad. I've been through the same.

 

For context, I was ghosted after 18 months together, and three of her living with me. She broke in, twice, hot and cold, icing, it's like they all read from the same immature playbook. Seriously, read my thread. You'll be shocked at the similarities.

 

Mine would reel me in, then distance when I started to chase. Almost drove me crazy, until after 3-4 months I couldn't take it any longer, and cut her off for good. I still miss her, 4 months NC later, but I DO NOT miss how unstable I was.

 

And you are right, yours and my ex know no other way to act. They can't communicate - mine sent quotes and song links. But never clear communication.

 

And yes, they love the passiveness of social media. Lol

 

You have to love yourself more. Be safe, and it will get better.

[penelopeanne]

omg yes with quotes and links and emojis!

its like he would sometimes recite from a textbook when it came to his FEELINGS.

i am starting to pretend my ex is a teenager now which is kind of helping.

btw, thanks to social media i can see (but shouldnt look anymore) that he has been hanging out with an 18yr old kid, in the weed biz together (my ex is in mid 30's!)

and the little bit i have seen of him he looks 18 as well now, different look.

so that helps.

but it is toxic for me to see and it is alarming!

so much for self work on his part!

what i am struggling with is how much did he care?

the way he left it makes it so tough.

but i must focus on me.

(going to read your thread now)

[penelopeanne]

omg you guys.....I was feeling better over the last weekend, since i had pretty much detached from social media since the beginning of may, took it all off my phone. severed the netflix sharing with my ex.

on sunday night i went on a creeping binge and since then i have fallen down the dark hole again.

i feel sad, i miss my ex, i wonder what he is doing.

i checked his fb (i had unfollowed him) and his instagram and the disturbing instagram he is sharing with a new teenage buddy (my ex is mid 30's!).

i felt my chest ache and i have been lost again.

head is fuzzy. i checked when he has been on fb like 10 times yesterday.

i keep looking at those pages.

it all makes me sad.

i see he is going to an event at the end of the month i was going to go with him to.

i am upset that he liked my instagram pics even a few days after he broke up via email (we were together 2 years!)

he is immature and he feeds off social media.

i often hate it, i often take breaks.

a friend already saw him on tinder.

omg why am i torturing myself??!

i have never had this experience before with a break up.

i am late 30's, i don't need this stupidity.

but since i went on and creeped i can't stop!

and today i am in bed, coming down with something so i am finding it hard not to look, repeatedly.

this is so damaging.

i KNOW i should block him, it just feels so harsh and final.

why?

he left me, and gave me none of his time at the end. it was pure torture.

he is an avoidant.

and i don't even desire the actual him as a person anymore.

his numbing and detaching and obsession with weed and hanging with a teen is a complete turn off.

so why do i continue to look??

please share your stories and recovery about this madness, help me gain some control.

Edited May 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
3 threads merged for context ~6

[Blanco]

It hasn't always worked, but when tempted, I've reminded myself that it's unwise to go looking for something that I'm not emotionally prepared to find.

[penelopeanne]

It hasn't always worked, but when tempted, I've reminded myself that it's unwise to go looking for something that I'm not emotionally prepared to find.

 

that is a good thing to try and remember.

i must have looked a dozen times yesterday and today.

i lost myself in it, just as i did in the relationship.

i have lost myself in this break up.

waiting for validation or closure i will never get.

i need to stop looking at his pages and pretend that he is dead and gone while i heal.

[1fish2fish]

We both need to stop looking at their social media.

 

I was feeling strong and doing better, and I uploaded yesterday's bike ride into Strava, not remembering that he had opened a Strava account too, when he took up mountain biking. (Strava is on an line workout tracker and you can follow your friends and "compete"). So there were the pictures he took of a bike ride last week.

 

And just like that, I'm thinking about him constantly and "what could have been." I even dreamed about him last night for the first time.

 

It's kinda like I wanted to test myself to prove how far I'd come. hahaha!!! Silly me.

 

Just a small hiccup in the grand scheme of things.

 

No more checking his Instagram account, okay??? And I won't check his Strava account anymore.

 

We will never get any closure from our ex-bf/man children. Our closure comes from within us. They are both cowards and pot heads! We deserve SO much better.

[penelopeanne]

We both need to stop looking at their social media.

 

Just a small hiccup in the grand scheme of things.

 

No more checking his Instagram account, okay??? And I won't check his Strava account anymore.

 

We will never get any closure from our ex-bf/man children. Our closure comes from within us. They are both cowards and pot heads! We deserve SO much better.

 

 

totally! it is crazy how much he has been on my mind lately, good and bad. lots of dreams.

since i got sucked back in and looked.

feeling sad again but not sure why since i was moving along pretty good in feeling turned off to him.

i checked his social media a lot yesterday and i am sick in bed today and going to try not to.

what am i doing to myself?!

it's so hard to cut it all out.

since i took myself off his netflix i found myself a bit lost because i can't see what he is watching, and it feels like such a final move.

i know its all for the better.

and i am better than this!

[1fish2fish]

i know its all for the better.

and i am better than this!

 

YES, YOU ARE!!!

 

 

I just dug out my copy of "Attached" and am going to start reading it tonight. Did you get yourself a copy yet?

 

I want to find out just why I am so hung up on such a LOSER, especially when I am a great catch.

 

 

I'm sorry you were sick in bed today, and I hope you stayed strong and kept your mind occupied with other things, besides your loser ex.

[penelopeanne]

i went and laid outside (90 degrees here today) and i painted my nails and read the book. i am halfway done and it is extremely helpful.

i was 100% the anxious attached with an avoidant. omg it is all so clear now!

it makes so much sense why i am having such a hard time with the break up.

especially since i was the one who got the ball rolling!

i forget that i was so riddled with anxiety and uneasiness for awhile before we broke up.

in fact, there was some level of uneasiness and imbalance the whole 2+ years we were together and it makes so much sense given our attachment styles.

i was so starved, obsessed with the relationship and hoping it would change.

i went through hell last year and he totally failed me.

all of it makes so much sense now.

[1fish2fish]

Hi Penelope!

 

Just checking in to see how you're doing today.

 

How are you feeling?

[penelopeanne]

Hi Penelope!

 

Just checking in to see how you're doing today.

 

How are you feeling?

 

hi there, better than yesterday. today i havent looked on any of the pages i was obsessing over but i did go on fb after work due to a musician's death.

in certain times i don't want to be so isolated and i like the sharing in these cases.

i am trying to keep the focus on ME. not filling my head with negativity over what my ex is doing, because it really makes me sad he doesn't seem ok.

i need to let that go, it is not my problem now.

how are you?

[1fish2fish]

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. Is he blocked on facebook? That would help. There's no need to see how miserable he looks or anything. It's a waste of your emotional energy, and he will never change. It's one thing if you're in your teens and 20s and are still developing, but he's in his 30salready and chances are he's not going to change.

 

A friend of mine told me that last night when I was trying to explain why I dated my ex as long as I did. "He was making so many positive changes already! Losing weight, eating better...I just figured the natural progression would be for him to quit smoking, cut back on drinking, and stop smoking weed because he was feeling so much better."

 

"Girlfriend, he's 47 years old and an addict. He is who he is, and he's not going to change."

 

We both had a good laugh at that. I give him way too much credit, when the truth is that he has no self awareness, and he's basically a loser.

 

I started reading Attached, and I'm the same as you - Anxious, and the ex was an Avoidant - clearly. I hope to finish reading it this weekend.

 

What are doing for fun for yourself this weekend?

[penelopeanne]

thanks for writing. i am feeling a little better.

i don't have him blocked, just unfollowed on fb.

i was more obsessed with checking the weed pages of that teen he is hanging with. so toxic for me, so i am not sure if i wrote it here yet but i downloaded a counter, like a sobriety counter, on my phone and keeping track of how long i go without looking. its helping so far.

my ex reached out to one of my friends yesterday via instagram and she told me. they had a friendship too but she is my friend. (her boyfriend and us all hung out, they live away from us and we went to visit).

he wrote her something about her pic and they chatted a bit.

he said he isn't doing well emotionally and is sick.

she said she was sorry about us and he said he is sad about it.

this all set me back a bit but i am going to keep moving forward.

knowing he is sad helped me feel some validation.

but this isnt healthy.

gotta keep focus on me.

 

i'm working all weekend but have today off and going to get a massage in a few hours.

1fish....that book really really helped me see what i was stuck in. makes so much more sense now.

any fun stuff this weekend for you?

[1fish2fish]

I love the idea of a counter. Hopefully soon you won't even need a counter because you've forgotten all about it...and your ex.

 

I hate when they reach out to a mutual friend. I'm glad it set you back only a little and that you see if for what it is. Pathetic.

 

I worked Friday and had a friend's baby shower yesterday, which was fun. I'm thankful my ex and I don't run in the same circles.

 

I don't know if I posted it here, but I was "friends" on fb with his best friend who lives in another state. We very rarely ever talked about my ex while we were together, which was good. But I deleted him (along with all of ex's friends) after our breakup and I told the best friend why - I needed to focus on my healing.

 

Anyway...the best friend texted me out of the blue 2 weeks ago to tell me it was his birthday. So I wished him a happy birthday. And that was it. But it threw me for a loop, wondering if my ex had put him up to it to see how I was doing. But...that's not his style, so I have to think it was "innocent" and Mark only wanted a birthday wish. *sigh*

 

5 weeks NC today. Feeling pretty okay, for the moment.

 

Have a good week!!

[whatnot]

my ex broke up with me while I was going through cancer treatments. 7 year relationship. We last spoke over a year ago.

 

facing mortality and losing the person you love simultaneously is difficult.

 

 

take care

[penelopeanne]

my ex broke up with me while I was going through cancer treatments. 7 year relationship. We last spoke over a year ago.

 

facing mortality and losing the person you love simultaneously is difficult.

 

 

take care

 

 

wow, so tough to go through all of that.

i still have a hard time wrapping my head around my experience just a year ago.

i get my next check in a week and if that is clear i will be a year cancer free and the check ups will get spaced out longer.

at the time of the cancer i was also dealing with an enormous amount of grief, lost an old coworker, my godfather, an ex, a neighbor and then 2 friends, all within 6 or so months time. all of them being sudden, except my uncle's cancer. and that ex that died i knew for 15 years and watched him deteriorate from drug use, such a slow and painful death to observe.

anyways, during this time, i could clearly see that my ex cannot handle the heavy stuff.

he really let me down and lacks some empathy.

it was really really hard to go through. and now that we are apart, i feel like a lot of the trauma from all of that is resurfacing.

i know that i can't be with someone who cannot stick by me. even as a friend.

but this is how it is with an avoidant.

so clear now, so painful. but i must do my focused work on myself.

[penelopeanne]

i broke NC yesterday....

I woke early morning to some new fb likes from my ex, of old photos of he and I together (one of them even being a collage of us i posted on our maybe year or 1.5 anniversary)

you can imagine this really made my heart sink.

at the same time, it feels juvenile.

it feels crazy making.

I felt compelled to write something to him, just to let him know that it does affect me. i thought about it all day.

i am unclear as to why he would like these photos, and i am sure it is either him not thinking clearly, feeding me bread crumbs, reaching out, or it is meaningless.

to me, it is hurtful.

i wrote him on messenger a short thing, last night:

 

"hi ___, social media is a strange place. i felt compelled to write to you after you liking some of my pics of us together. seems trivial, but it has an affect on me, especially with how coldly it all ended and the lack of contact we have had"

 

i feel indifferent about sending it.

i wanted to say something, for myself. even if it falls on deaf ears.

i havent heard anything back, i am not expecting to.

and i feel like maybe i should have just let it be.

the whole thing seems so immature on his part, which i hope might help in my continuous healing and moving on.

[1fish2fish]

Please block him on fb.

 

This is dragging you down and stalling your healing.

 

You can do it!!

[penelopeanne]

Please block him on fb.

 

This is dragging you down and stalling your healing.

 

You can do it!!

 

i know, i don't know why i am finding this to be so difficult to do.

i just can't figure it out.

and it's mostly instagram, and me checking his new teen buddy's page which is so toxic since it is just all about weed.

[penelopeanne]

i am also sick in bed which doesn't help my mind from spinning and urges to look and just getting stuck.

and feeling low.

[penelopeanne]

today I might make some changes on social media and stop this madness, I am making myself sick.

[1fish2fish]

I think this is the hardest part for me...doing the internal work on my self esteem and taking care of myself. I never thought I had low self esteem, but looking at what a loser I chose to be in a relationship with is alarming.

 

It really is work, and it takes mental discipline. Part of that discipline came from caring about my own emotional health enough to not torture myself by stalking him on social media. I didn't want to block him, but after reading on LS for nearly a year, I knew it was the best thing for me. And everyone here was right.

 

I'm not feeling 100% better, but I'm a little surprised how much better I'm doing in just over 5 weeks of complete NC and knowing NOTHING about what he's up to.

 

Just try it and give it a couple of days and see if you feel better.

 

(((hugs!)))

[Bromeo]

I think this is the hardest part for me...doing the internal work on my self esteem and taking care of myself. I never thought I had low self esteem, but looking at what a loser I chose to be in a relationship with is alarming.

 

It really is work, and it takes mental discipline. Part of that discipline came from caring about my own emotional health enough to not torture myself by stalking him on social media. I didn't want to block him, but after reading on LS for nearly a year, I knew it was the best thing for me. And everyone here was right.

 

I'm not feeling 100% better, but I'm a little surprised how much better I'm doing in just over 5 weeks of complete NC and knowing NOTHING about what he's up to.

 

Just try it and give it a couple of days and see if you feel better.

 

(((hugs!)))

 

This echoes how I felt. If we look instrospectivley, the issue really becomes the criteria we use to select the people we spend our time with. I frequently make the joke that all the professional, classy, beautiful women I cast aside to get bulldozed emotionally by my ex (may the urine of 1000 camels soil her bedroll). Underneath that joke is a lingering insecurity and white knight syndrome that I struggle with. When I look back and realize I was waiting all week for a single text, and overanalzing everything she did, I had truly lost myself.

 

Regarding social media, the quoted post is spot on. When I quit checking, and I was doing quite an amount of online research, you will eventually quit spinning about them, and heal much quicker. I just wanted to see my ex with another man for closure, but I realized that here, like all aspects of my life, nothing is given, only earned. So I made my own peace.

 

I also will have been reading and posting on LS close to a year. The advice never changes, only the circumstances and technology.

[penelopeanne]

thank you all.......i had quite an experience yesterday, had a shaman healing session that definitely cleared some space inside of me. I feel a bit peaceful inside, something I havent in a long, long time.

( I decided to try this after the healers name had come up 3 different times in the last year and because i have been so stuck in grief for awhile now, even pre break up)

since this session, I have lost interest, for the most part on the social media obsessing. and a lot of the obsessive thinking has calmed down.

I blocked the weed crazed pages of my ex's young friend on instagram and unfollowed my ex on fb.

the one thing I struggled with was unfollowing him on instagram, for some reason.

this morning I decided to see if he is following me anymore and he isnt!

(he still follows my art account). so I unfollowed him.

done and done.

this leaves me with some sadness, feels like final steps, BUT it HAD to happen.

I was getting so sucked into the madness of his friend's posts of them smoking so much. I feel worried for him, but i have to let go.

when I had the healing session, I was able to put the focus back on me.

I cleared space for that.

all of a sudden I could see that there are so many other people around me, besides him.

I was so stuck in it, in this toxic bubble.

suddenly I could see that there is so much more.

there is so much more to focus on.

I have spent so much time in clouded thoughts, trying to solve a riddle.

of course I still feel sad and mourn the loss. but I must take care of me.

after I left the session I walked to get my bike and I was feeling all floaty and calm and of all people to drive by and see me- my ex's dad!

he honked and waved for me to say hello, he parked his truck on the side street, got out, gave me a big hug.

we chatted a bit. it was good to see him, and I think because of how i was feeling, I was able to just see him and talk without any attachments.

I will always have a soft spot for him in my heart.

I was able to accept the universe putting us in each other's paths, for whatever reason.

I do feel like things have shifted for me.

I still wonder when my ex and I will run into each other again, I can't believe its been this long in such a small town.

but I am not anticipating it as much as I was before. I know it will happen when the timing is right.

[1fish2fish]

^^ I love this x 1000!!!

 

Interesting too about seeing a Shaman. My brother has one, and I've been thinking about pursuing it too.

 

Well done!