A breakup that boggles the mind

[penelopeanne]

hi there, I have joined this in hopes to talk to someone who might be able to relate.

I am doing a ton of self work and feel like I have made some progress...

but lately my obsessive thinking over this break up has me feeling like a shell of myself.

 

I have never experienced something like this before.

He was an emotionally unavailable partner from the start but we had good chemistry and had fun and cared about each other deeply.

I went through a lot of traumatic events last year including a cancer diagnosis and he really let me down through that, and he felt guilty he couldn't be there for me.

 

I think he lacks some human empathy and just cannot deal with things when they get heavy. anyways, we were together for 2 years, always with a bit of distance in between us. we both have abandonment issues and he has tons of past pain to work through.

 

He was hot and cold throughout the relationship which made me feel anxious often. when we spent time together he was affectionate and loving. but we had a lot of space.

 

When I was dealing with multiple deaths, he disappeared. When I had my cancer surgery, he took good care of me. I even recovered at his place for a week. When I was dealing with the emotional aftermath of that, he pulled away.

The push and pull was tough. I grew kind of obsessed with feeling validation from him. I guess I lived off of crumbs for a few years.

I suppose I lost myself in it.

 

And now, a couple months ago, after I started to move things towards a change, feeling stuck and like we needed different things.....and he really pulled away and couldn't give me his time, was too busy, too stressed (always something)- he ended the relationship in a somewhat cold and confusing email.

EMAIL!

 

and I responded with maybe 3 after that and didn't hear from him until a couple weeks later, apologizing for failing me and not being able to deal and saying this was one of the hardest things he has had to do and he has a lot of self work to do and can't while in a relationship. and that our relationship wasn't healthy for him.

I know damn well that it wasn't healthy for me and he couldn't give me what I need and the maturity levels are very different.

 

We are both in our mid/late 30's, you would think after 2 years we could have had a conversation or something. it felt so hurtful.

And he just sort of disappeared, it's like he died.

I have been dealing with so many deaths this last year, this was the icing on the cake.

 

It is the strangest death. and the fact that we havent even had a conversation or really seen eachother in a few months is so bizarre.

The no contact is for the best, Im sure. The only contact up until the last week was some on social media- he tends to like my photos on instagram which was a bit crazy making. i have gone off social media now just for a break in general while I try to focus on better health and healing.

 

I don't have much desire for him, its mostly an idealized version. maybe of what i wanted. I hate that he gave up like that and I am having the hardest time with the abandonment. I am finding the obsessive thinking is just taking over.

What is making me mad also is that he probably isn't dealing with this kind of pain.

 

It is all so confusing and raw.

can anyone relate to any of this?

Edited May 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Maldives]

hi there, I have joined this in hopes to talk to someone who might be able to relate.

I am doing a ton of self work and feel like I have made some progress...

but lately my obsessive thinking over this break up has me feeling like a shell of myself.

 

I have never experienced something like this before.

He was an emotionally unavailable partner from the start but we had good chemistry and had fun and cared about each other deeply.

I went through a lot of traumatic events last year including a cancer diagnosis and he really let me down through that, and he felt guilty he couldn't be there for me.

 

I think he lacks some human empathy and just cannot deal with things when they get heavy. anyways, we were together for 2 years, always with a bit of distance in between us. we both have abandonment issues and he has tons of past pain to work through.

 

He was hot and cold throughout the relationship which made me feel anxious often. when we spent time together he was affectionate and loving. but we had a lot of space.

 

When I was dealing with multiple deaths, he disappeared. When I had my cancer surgery, he took good care of me. I even recovered at his place for a week. When I was dealing with the emotional aftermath of that, he pulled away.

The push and pull was tough. I grew kind of obsessed with feeling validation from him. I guess I lived off of crumbs for a few years.

I suppose I lost myself in it.

 

And now, a couple months ago, after I started to move things towards a change, feeling stuck and like we needed different things.....and he really pulled away and couldn't give me his time, was too busy, too stressed (always something)- he ended the relationship in a somewhat cold and confusing email.

EMAIL!

 

and I responded with maybe 3 after that and didn't hear from him until a couple weeks later, apologizing for failing me and not being able to deal and saying this was one of the hardest things he has had to do and he has a lot of self work to do and can't while in a relationship. and that our relationship wasn't healthy for him.

I know damn well that it wasn't healthy for me and he couldn't give me what I need and the maturity levels are very different.

 

We are both in our mid/late 30's, you would think after 2 years we could have had a conversation or something. it felt so hurtful.

And he just sort of disappeared, it's like he died.

I have been dealing with so many deaths this last year, this was the icing on the cake.

 

It is the strangest death. and the fact that we havent even had a conversation or really seen eachother in a few months is so bizarre.

The no contact is for the best, Im sure. The only contact up until the last week was some on social media- he tends to like my photos on instagram which was a bit crazy making. i have gone off social media now just for a break in general while I try to focus on better health and healing.

 

I don't have much desire for him, its mostly an idealized version. maybe of what i wanted. I hate that he gave up like that and I am having the hardest time with the abandonment. I am finding the obsessive thinking is just taking over.

What is making me mad also is that he probably isn't dealing with this kind of pain.

 

It is all so confusing and raw.

can anyone relate to any of this?

 

Yes sweetie I can relate but I wss him to a certain extent the push pull hot and cold but that was because it was something totally unrelated me trying to deal wth and accept she had a package kids. I found it very hard but please more info please read my thread as its pretty long and this is about u.

 

I'm surprised u didn't dump him my ex dumped me in the end but unlike ur ex I didn't deserve it please read my thread because unlike ur ex I kept trying to find a way to mak3 it work. Lols. Plus I put up wth quiet a lot from her end family issues especially the kids custody battle.

 

I donno wat to say accept i wish me and u cld share a coffee and stories together so much easier sharing wth someone who knows what ur going thru and can relate.

 

I'm not quiet sure wat will happen wth u and him. He sounds like he's checked out. And reading that I've also realised how that push n pull is no good. In my case I had a valid reason dealing wth commitment of someone else's kids a big ask prior to that I'd never been that way. My ex wife a few relationships ago was hot n cold and I kno how that can suck.

[Maldives]

hi there, I have joined this in hopes to talk to someone who might be able to relate.

I am doing a ton of self work and feel like I have made some progress...

but lately my obsessive thinking over this break up has me feeling like a shell of myself.

 

I have never experienced something like this before.

He was an emotionally unavailable partner from the start but we had good chemistry and had fun and cared about each other deeply.

I went through a lot of traumatic events last year including a cancer diagnosis and he really let me down through that, and he felt guilty he couldn't be there for me.

 

I think he lacks some human empathy and just cannot deal with things when they get heavy. anyways, we were together for 2 years, always with a bit of distance in between us. we both have abandonment issues and he has tons of past pain to work through.

 

He was hot and cold throughout the relationship which made me feel anxious often. when we spent time together he was affectionate and loving. but we had a lot of space.

 

When I was dealing with multiple deaths, he disappeared. When I had my cancer surgery, he took good care of me. I even recovered at his place for a week. When I was dealing with the emotional aftermath of that, he pulled away.

The push and pull was tough. I grew kind of obsessed with feeling validation from him. I guess I lived off of crumbs for a few years.

I suppose I lost myself in it.

 

And now, a couple months ago, after I started to move things towards a change, feeling stuck and like we needed different things.....and he really pulled away and couldn't give me his time, was too busy, too stressed (always something)- he ended the relationship in a somewhat cold and confusing email.

EMAIL!

 

and I responded with maybe 3 after that and didn't hear from him until a couple weeks later, apologizing for failing me and not being able to deal and saying this was one of the hardest things he has had to do and he has a lot of self work to do and can't while in a relationship. and that our relationship wasn't healthy for him.

I know damn well that it wasn't healthy for me and he couldn't give me what I need and the maturity levels are very different.

 

We are both in our mid/late 30's, you would think after 2 years we could have had a conversation or something. it felt so hurtful.

And he just sort of disappeared, it's like he died.

I have been dealing with so many deaths this last year, this was the icing on the cake.

 

It is the strangest death. and the fact that we havent even had a conversation or really seen eachother in a few months is so bizarre.

The no contact is for the best, Im sure. The only contact up until the last week was some on social media- he tends to like my photos on instagram which was a bit crazy making. i have gone off social media now just for a break in general while I try to focus on better health and healing.

 

I don't have much desire for him, its mostly an idealized version. maybe of what i wanted. I hate that he gave up like that and I am having the hardest time with the abandonment. I am finding the obsessive thinking is just taking over.

What is making me mad also is that he probably isn't dealing with this kind of pain.

 

It is all so confusing and raw.

can anyone relate to any of this?

 

Btw I also hate that the ex gave up on me she use to guilt trip me about breaking up wen things got too hard

 

So ye i kinda feel like that too idealisin her and putting her on a pedestal. And yes we were in our mid 40s lol and last but not least....drum roll....she broke it off wth me via text something she said she'd never do lol she was full of bs in the end to an extent

Edited May 12, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Maldives]

It is all so confusing and raw.

can anyone relate to any of this?

 

 

 

 

U bet sweetie I can...r u in aus? Australia I mean

[penelopeanne]

I guess I didnt leave because I was still hanging onto hope.

I was also going through so much trauma and grief the last year we were together I couldn't imagine making a change like that.

but he let me down so much throughout that and I wish I had the self love to focus on that being the biggest red flag.

but i was thinking that things had to change. I was the only one who brought things up, which made me feel bad.

He never did, he couldn't say how he felt.

he is so emotionally blocked and would always use that.....that he had unresolved past trauma to deal with, family stuff, needed to do self care etc

He really couldn't handle the heavy stuff.

 

(i'm in the US)

[Sweetfish]

hi there, I have joined this in hopes to talk to someone who might be able to relate.

I am doing a ton of self work and feel like I have made some progress...

but lately my obsessive thinking over this break up has me feeling like a shell of myself.

 

I have never experienced something like this before.

He was an emotionally unavailable partner from the start but we had good chemistry and had fun and cared about each other deeply.

I went through a lot of traumatic events last year including a cancer diagnosis and he really let me down through that, and he felt guilty he couldn't be there for me.

 

I think he lacks some human empathy and just cannot deal with things when they get heavy. anyways, we were together for 2 years, always with a bit of distance in between us. we both have abandonment issues and he has tons of past pain to work through.

 

He was hot and cold throughout the relationship which made me feel anxious often. when we spent time together he was affectionate and loving. but we had a lot of space.

 

When I was dealing with multiple deaths, he disappeared. When I had my cancer surgery, he took good care of me. I even recovered at his place for a week. When I was dealing with the emotional aftermath of that, he pulled away.

The push and pull was tough. I grew kind of obsessed with feeling validation from him. I guess I lived off of crumbs for a few years.

I suppose I lost myself in it.

 

And now, a couple months ago, after I started to move things towards a change, feeling stuck and like we needed different things.....and he really pulled away and couldn't give me his time, was too busy, too stressed (always something)- he ended the relationship in a somewhat cold and confusing email.

EMAIL!

 

and I responded with maybe 3 after that and didn't hear from him until a couple weeks later, apologizing for failing me and not being able to deal and saying this was one of the hardest things he has had to do and he has a lot of self work to do and can't while in a relationship. and that our relationship wasn't healthy for him.

I know damn well that it wasn't healthy for me and he couldn't give me what I need and the maturity levels are very different.

 

We are both in our mid/late 30's, you would think after 2 years we could have had a conversation or something. it felt so hurtful.

And he just sort of disappeared, it's like he died.

I have been dealing with so many deaths this last year, this was the icing on the cake.

 

It is the strangest death. and the fact that we havent even had a conversation or really seen eachother in a few months is so bizarre.

The no contact is for the best, Im sure. The only contact up until the last week was some on social media- he tends to like my photos on instagram which was a bit crazy making. i have gone off social media now just for a break in general while I try to focus on better health and healing.

 

I don't have much desire for him, its mostly an idealized version. maybe of what i wanted. I hate that he gave up like that and I am having the hardest time with the abandonment. I am finding the obsessive thinking is just taking over.

What is making me mad also is that he probably isn't dealing with this kind of pain.

 

It is all so confusing and raw.

can anyone relate to any of this?

 

 

When a person dies in real life.. we can accept the grieving processes and move on with our lives.

 

Losing a person in a relationship is like mourning a death; however you may feel responsible for the death (a need to validate him/her) so you may feel more pain when you mourn a relationship because you may feel you are the murderer.

[VeveCakes]

Read the book Attached. It will answer all your questions about him. He is avoidant and you are most likely insecure attachment style. This relationship will never end is satisfaction and happiness. It will always be push pull. Sorry but please read the book.

[penelopeanne]

thank you for the book suggestion. I recently read the book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl which helped me a lot. I understand he had no capacity for dealing with emotional things and always had to stay busy as not to feel.

now he self medicates a ton with weed. it has progressed a lot from what i have witnessed (online) and I know that I couldnt deal with that, and was struggling with it our last few months together.

I have a lot to learn about myself, for sure and how I get so attached.

[penelopeanne]

When a person dies in real life.. we can accept the grieving processes and move on with our lives.

 

Losing a person in a relationship is like mourning a death; however you may feel responsible for the death (a need to validate him/her) so you may feel more pain when you mourn a relationship because you may feel you are the murderer.

 

you are so right. I lost a handful of people in my life last year, all deaths that were drug related, suicide or cancer. and it was so hard to handle, on top of it dealing with a partner who wasn't available to me. grief upon grief upon grief.

now I am dealing with the "death" of this former partner and to top it off, he looks totally different now (long hair to short) and is hanging out with a new friend and just seems to be not going down the healthy path he said he needed to go.

it is so hard for me to wrap my head around it all. we live in a small town, have mutual friends and work across the street from eachother.

we havent run into eachother somehow, yet. I anticipate that and feel anxious about it.

it really is like he died and came back different.

such strange grief.

[jamili]

When a person dies in real life.. we can accept the grieving processes and move on with our lives.

 

Losing a person in a relationship is like mourning a death; however you may feel responsible for the death (a need to validate him/her) so you may feel more pain when you mourn a relationship because you may feel you are the murderer.

 

Also when you lose someone from death, neither of you had a choice in the matter - its unavoidable. Whereas when you lose someone from a breakup, its their choice to leave you forever. This is much more difficult to swallow, for me at least. This person you deeply love WILLINGLY chooses for the both of you to lose each other forever, with all the same effects of an actual death (losing them from your life eternally).

[nasc88]

I can relate in so many ways. I have to say after going through this a few years ago looking back the break up was the best thing that happened. The relationship hurt me. I was always wondering where I stood. What he was thinking. We had been together for 2 years. There were times I would drive home and wonder what I had done wrong to make him so quiet etc. It sucked. Getting over it took a long time. I started having anxiety attacks that I never had before. I came out the other side and looking back I realized being in that relationship wasn't enough. Just take it day by day. That's all you can do. You'll slide backwards some days and make huge strides other days. It's all you can do.

[penelopeanne]

I can relate in so many ways. I have to say after going through this a few years ago looking back the break up was the best thing that happened. The relationship hurt me. I was always wondering where I stood. What he was thinking. We had been together for 2 years. There were times I would drive home and wonder what I had done wrong to make him so quiet etc. It sucked. Getting over it took a long time. I started having anxiety attacks that I never had before. I came out the other side and looking back I realized being in that relationship wasn't enough. Just take it day by day. That's all you can do. You'll slide backwards some days and make huge strides other days. It's all you can do.

 

totally!! i spent so much time and energy trying to figure out where i stood. i felt like he hardly made me top priority. when i had my cancer surgery he did, for that week i recovered at his place. that was nice and I find myself longing for that attention and care. But I have so many people who show me they care and love me.

It's maddening that I was with someone for over 2 years that I had to constantly try to figure out or wonder how he was feeling. I had to be the one to bring anything up. I couldn't get past his blocks. That is so unhealthy and caused me a ton of anxiety.

[Ronnys93]

thank you for the book suggestion. I recently read the book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl which helped me a lot. I understand he had no capacity for dealing with emotional things and always had to stay busy as not to feel.

now he self medicates a ton with weed. it has progressed a lot from what i have witnessed (online) and I know that I couldnt deal with that, and was struggling with it our last few months together.

I have a lot to learn about myself, for sure and how I get so attached.

 

I would let you know to talk with him and see if you can educate each other on attachment styles, but since he is already self medicating and delving deeper I don't think that's a good idea. So focus on yourself, get yourself together and you'll be fine. Most attachment styles if they're related to intimacy disorders start in childhood.

[penelopeanne]

I would let you know to talk with him and see if you can educate each other on attachment styles, but since he is already self medicating and delving deeper I don't think that's a good idea. So focus on yourself, get yourself together and you'll be fine. Most attachment styles if they're related to intimacy disorders start in childhood.

 

yeah, not to mention he didn't even give me a second of his time the week leading up to our emailing and break up. never an actual conversation.

and there were so many confusing parts in his letter.

but I have to let all of that go.

 

I have officially removed myself from his netflix account and him from one of mine and while it is a bit liberating, it also makes me feel a bit sad. it was the last tie we had.

the only thing left is if and when I go back on social media.

this is really painful but for the best I am sure.

[penelopeanne]

kind of struggling today, at work. I felt better yesterday, especially after removing myself from his netflix account.

but that feels like something final.

i'm also struggling not being on social media, feeling left out or something but i know it's healthy for me not to be on.

trying to change habits and routines.

my ex seems and looks like a different person now so maybe I need to focus on that and pretend that he is.

it feels like he died so maybe I let go of the old him.

I have a lot of anger inside which is hard for me to feel, always had trouble with that

I'm angry he abandoned and broke up via email.

I'm angry that instead of doing self care he seems to be diving deeper into a weed obsession, even hanging out with a boy half his age and posting videos of them getting stoned. he isn't a man, he is a boy.

I want to hang onto these thoughts as I am in town, at work, in the public. feeling lonely and sad. running into people we know

missing the companionship.

but knowing he let me down so much, even when we were together.

it was so hard to date someone very emotionally detached. and unavailable. an avoidant.

i need some encouragement today.

[Maldives]

kind of struggling today, at work. I felt better yesterday, especially after removing myself from his netflix account.

but that feels like something final.

i'm also struggling not being on social media, feeling left out or something but i know it's healthy for me not to be on.

trying to change habits and routines.

my ex seems and looks like a different person now so maybe I need to focus on that and pretend that he is.

it feels like he died so maybe I let go of the old him.

I have a lot of anger inside which is hard for me to feel, always had trouble with that

I'm angry he abandoned and broke up via email.

I'm angry that instead of doing self care he seems to be diving deeper into a weed obsession, even hanging out with a boy half his age and posting videos of them getting stoned. he isn't a man, he is a boy.

I want to hang onto these thoughts as I am in town, at work, in the public. feeling lonely and sad. running into people we know

missing the companionship.

but knowing he let me down so much, even when we were together.

it was so hard to date someone very emotionally detached. and unavailable. an avoidant.

i need some encouragement today.

 

I can really relate to the anger part that's from people like me and u being so invested in them then them walking away the way they dud in my case via sms.

It's the choices we make we chose these not so very good choices in relationships. All we can do is look for good counseling to guide us and help develop skills to choose better the next time round.

Please read my story to give u an idea the challenge I hav as we work together and she started seeing a work colleague wich is very akward for me its a long story please read I think u will really be able to relate. U dodged a bullet lol I know it's a bit of a cliche but I think the big take out for both me and u is its about the choices we make let's both choose better next time.

 

In my relationship history I've only chosen wisely once that wss my ex wife that had all the signs for a long term one but unfortunately broke down because of money. The latest ex was definatly the closest relating wise but me and her met at the wrong time. Plus she had so much baggage she hadn't dealt wth family stuff etc that even if we did meet at the right time she would be incapable of being smart. She was very impulsive and has made a load of mistakes in her life and continues too shes abandoned all her kids

 

Yes my ex changed her look as well she had this 60s look now pony pig tails lol but I'm use to it now plus talks different. In her case it's this groups influence she hangs out wth. I think they do this to torally dissociate themselves from u and the past. Don't worry aftrr a cpl mths u will have gotten used to it and adjusted.

 

I'm almost 8 mths into the break up and it can still be painful. It takes time sweetie

Edited May 13, 2017 by Goodguy05

[penelopeanne]

Read the book Attached. It will answer all your questions about him. He is avoidant and you are most likely insecure attachment style. This relationship will never end is satisfaction and happiness. It will always be push pull. Sorry but please read the book.

 

i have been researching the avoidant-anxiety attachment combo and omg that is EXACTLY what was going on in my situation.

I feel like some of the cloudiness in my brain lifted a bit tonight.

[1fish2fish]

How old is your ex?

 

It is such a turn off seeing a grown man act like a child.

 

My ex sounds a lot like your ex, and he's 47.

[penelopeanne]

How old is your ex?

 

It is such a turn off seeing a grown man act like a child.

 

My ex sounds a lot like your ex, and he's 47.

 

36.....he is on this 18 year old kid's instagram account, smoking weed with him, it's just so disturbing. he said he needed to do a lot of self work and that lots of darkness was coming up for him. it made me so upset to see this and i have gone off social media but sometimes i feel the urge to look.

i just can't believe it.

but he really let me down a lot when i was going through the worst.

i wanted to help him, and fix him.

i wanted him to open up.

my self worth has been so low and i'm trying to work on that.

[Sweetfish]

Read the book Attached. It will answer all your questions about him. He is avoidant and you are most likely insecure attachment style. This relationship will never end is satisfaction and happiness. It will always be push pull. Sorry but please read the book.

 

 

Vevecakes nailed it he has avoidant issues.

 

When he was 18 he had a kid.. You lose so much freedom. From teenage to teen parent.

 

He has a lot of work to do on him self.. at least he was honest.

Edited May 14, 2017 by Sweetfish

[penelopeanne]

the thing is, i knew he was emotionally detached from the beginning. i mean, i knew but i was so focused on it changing.

i didn't realize the avoidant-anxiety combo of us until the other day. that has helped me a bit now in the healing.

i spent so much time being anxious and wondering and pulling and waiting.....it really was crazy making.

my ex hasn't dealt with past family trauma and his past relationships failing.

he always used these as excuses i guess.

he is a workaholic. that was hard for me to deal with. always so busy.

he would say he doesn't know how to balance.

he said his commitment to work has made his past relationships fail.

i would love to talk more about healing from being with an avoidant if anyone can hel or steer me in the direction.

i should buy that book.

i think if i have more understanding than this will help my recovery.

it's been so hard.

i miss him, i'm sad it failed but i don't think it could be any other way.

i hate the sudden end, the emailing break up, the silence, the loss.

but if i have better understanding it will help.

thank you all!

[1fish2fish]

He had such great potential, too, I bet. Like my ex.

 

I knew if from the beginning too and the red flags waved from our first date on.

 

And looking back, I think that's what I fell in love with - his potential.

 

The person I fell in love with doesn't exist.

 

He HAD made so many positive changes - exercising, eating better, losing weight - and he called me his "beautiful motivation."

 

On some level I think I expected the changes to keep going in a natural progression....that one day he would wake up and realize that the next thing to do was to stop drinking, stop smoking, and stop smoking weed.

 

But that will never happen and I was slowly dying inside to stay with him. Like you.

 

My abrupt ending with my ex via fb has left so many questions, but they're quieting into whispers now. It's been 4 weeks today.

 

What really helped me was blocking him on social media. PLEASE take that final step!! You will feel so much better this week if you do.

 

I wish I could help with you healing from being with an avoidant, but I'm in the same boat. I have the book Attached, and plan to read it next.

[penelopeanne]

He had such great potential, too, I bet. Like my ex.

 

I knew if from the beginning too and the red flags waved from our first date on.

 

And looking back, I think that's what I fell in love with - his potential.

 

The person I fell in love with doesn't exist.

 

He HAD made so many positive changes - exercising, eating better, losing weight - and he called me his "beautiful motivation."

 

On some level I think I expected the changes to keep going in a natural progression....that one day he would wake up and realize that the next thing to do was to stop drinking, stop smoking, and stop smoking weed.

 

But that will never happen and I was slowly dying inside to stay with him. Like you.

 

My abrupt ending with my ex via fb has left so many questions, but they're quieting into whispers now. It's been 4 weeks today.

 

What really helped me was blocking him on social media. PLEASE take that final step!! You will feel so much better this week if you do.

 

I wish I could help with you healing from being with an avoidant, but I'm in the same boat. I have the book Attached, and plan to read it next.

 

 

yes totally, so much potential. i lived off the crumbs and the nice moments. the limited attention i got felt so good.

it's amazing how much your self worth goes out the window when dealing with someone like this.

he has such a facade too, likable, charming, social and outgoing. appears to do the work. but inside he has so much pain. he would rather numb out or stay busy. i'm trying to not let the caretaker in me be in control because i feel sad for him. i want him to change and that's why i stayed so long.

i was the one that initiated us needing a change or that we might just want different things, but he pulled the plug via email!

that's so painful.

he always had boundaries.

he wanted me and for us to be exclusive but casual. after 2 years of this i thought it didn't make sense.

i have to let go of the empathy i feel for him.

he couldn't even be there even as a friend when i went through the cancer experience and deaths and depression.

he doesn't have the tools to handle it.

i have gone off social media for now, that helps.

he kept liking my pics which made it all so much more crazy making.

[penelopeanne]

this break up has made me go a bit crazy and maybe even during the relationship too.

I am slowly pulling myself out of the wreckage of being the anxious with the avoidant.

I am learning a lot from here, therapy, friends, reading etc... and maybe just starting to come out of the obsessive thinking and wallowing in the dark clouds questioning everything and trying to find myself again.

it has only been 2.5 months since our 2+ year relationship came to its death via email.

what a strange way for it to come to an end, but, it is not totally shocking.

I mean all along there were boundaries, bouts of silence, hot and cold, red flags, pulling away, pushing in, distance then crumbs of togetherness.....

all of it very confusing and crazy making.

you can read more of my story in the thread I started in the break up section, it is full of a heartbreaking year of grief and health issues while in this relationship.

its hard to say if the traumatic year I had did a number on our relationship, I'm sure it really affected it- and it was sooooooooo hard to be with someone that detached and he really let me down a lot.

but as I am learning about this attachment type, I am mixed with anger at what I put up with but also feeling some compassion from him because its all he knows.

yet, I am upset that he didn't put in the effort.

I never felt like priority.

and then he just disappeared out of my life.

oh, except for social media.

that is so immature in my book, but, oh you know I am only talking about a man-boy in his late 30's. bleh.

it's becoming a turn off now.

So sometimes I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and I know he may have had good intentions, but he also didn't want to face things (ie me, for a proper conversation regarding the end of us!) and that hurts.

it hurts my self esteem.

i'm struggling with self worth.

why did I stay in it thinking i could change him or that he would even want to?

[penelopeanne]

I downloaded instagram tonight and went and looked at his page and his new buddy's page and it has left me with that ache in my chest and my head hurts a bit. i even looked on fb a bit.

i know i should block him, i know.