Bunnycake Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 I'm going to try and keep this relatively short. We've been in a relationship for 5 years, own a house together. 3 months ago I noticed a change in his behaviour towards me and confronted him. He refused to speak to me about it and gave me frosty treatment for a week. Eventually he spoke to me about it and we've since had several conversations where he has said he doesn't feel the same about me as he used to. Despite this he continually says he doesn't know if he wants to break up and one moment he doesn't want to, the next he does. There's been no intimacy (hand holding, kissing, sex - anything) since that conversation 3 months ago. We had a holiday booked and I said that we would review things at the end of that to see whether a change of scenery made any difference. We've just come back from that and no change. I spoke to him about it again and he said he still doesn't know but got upset when I mentioned us ending things. Our break-up would affect my whole life. He earns double what I do and I can't afford to buy a property in the area that we live in on my own so would have to move away. Therefore I'd have to leave my job where it's currently being suggested I apply for a promotion and do extra training, but I don't feel I can if I'm just going to leave in a few months. Therefore I feel under pressure to get to a decision re: our relationship. He is in a position where he can keep his job and possibly buy me out of our house, so not such a big impact. My question is, should I be giving it more time or is 3 months enough? I need outside opinions, thank you.
Redhead14 Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 I'm going to try and keep this relatively short. We've been in a relationship for 5 years, own a house together. 3 months ago I noticed a change in his behaviour towards me and confronted him. He refused to speak to me about it and gave me frosty treatment for a week. Eventually he spoke to me about it and we've since had several conversations where he has said he doesn't feel the same about me as he used to. Despite this he continually says he doesn't know if he wants to break up and one moment he doesn't want to, the next he does. There's been no intimacy (hand holding, kissing, sex - anything) since that conversation 3 months ago. We had a holiday booked and I said that we would review things at the end of that to see whether a change of scenery made any difference. We've just come back from that and no change. I spoke to him about it again and he said he still doesn't know but got upset when I mentioned us ending things. Our break-up would affect my whole life. He earns double what I do and I can't afford to buy a property in the area that we live in on my own so would have to move away. Therefore I'd have to leave my job where it's currently being suggested I apply for a promotion and do extra training, but I don't feel I can if I'm just going to leave in a few months. Therefore I feel under pressure to get to a decision re: our relationship. He is in a position where he can keep his job and possibly buy me out of our house, so not such a big impact. My question is, should I be giving it more time or is 3 months enough? I need outside opinions, thank you. he said he still doesn't know We've just come back from that and no change -- He knows that he doesn't feel the same about you anymore PERIOD. It's one thing to go through a little period of uncertainty for some reason or another, but for 3 months???? When it goes on for three months . . . it's permanent. You don't hang around in limbo, you take action and control away from him now. He's basically cut you out of the decision process for whether or not to continue the relationship so make your own decision and end it now. Consult a real estate attorney for how to proceed with action for him to buy you out or sell the house. 3
Blanco Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 I have been in his shoes where I was on the fence about ending things, but couldn't commit one way or the other. In that instance, I definitely dragged things out too long, but nowhere close to three months. I can only imagine the agony and anxiety you've felt by being in this state of uncertainty for a quarter of a year. To me, him still not knowing after three months tells you probably all you need to know, unfortunately. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 I understand the financial issues but you can't stay with a man who doesn't love you. First, do apply for the promotion at work. It will take a while to unravel the real estate issues between you so having the opportunity to make more money will help you. Plus if you have to interview for a new job, better to do so from the superior position. Speak to a realtor. Know the value of the house & how much equity there is. Remember the bank / mortgage company doesn't have to let you off the mortgage. Start looking around for an apartment, even with a roommate. Also figure out how far you are willing to commute to your job & search for new accommodations there. It may feel awful but with some determination you can disentangle yourself from him. To buy yourself more time suggest relationship counseling to see if that changes his mind. 4
1fish2fish Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 You don't hang around in limbo, you take action and control away from him now. He's basically cut you out of the decision process for whether or not to continue the relationship so make your own decision and end it now. Consult a real estate attorney for how to proceed with action for him to buy you out or sell the house. +1 He's keeping you and your life in limbo while he makes up his mind as to if he still loves you??? Oh, HELL, no! 1
preraph Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 I'd already be dating by now. That has a way of lifting the fog. However, I agree most with Donnivain's plan which is to start making your plan now and find a roommate. Maybe put a sign up at work and church if you go that you are looking for a roommate. it might end up being a great change for you. If not at work, roommates.com. Sorry you're having to deal with this. Change is usually for the better, so keep your chin up and just plan your exit strategy. 2
Soak Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 I'd do as donnivain suggested, and start making a plan Apply for that promotion at work, it's about time you started empowering yourself girl! Look around for small 1 bedroom rentals, or to share with someone. It won't be for ever, your situation may change later. I'm not sure how much more time to give him, but the devil's sdvocate here. Why do you think he's said his feelings have changed? I'd start getting down to the business end of it now, for yourself. Time to look after your own best interests. 1
basil67 Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 My guess is that he wants out, but is stalling because he's all too aware of the consequences his decision will have on you. I reckon that if the impact on you was much smaller, he'd be long gone by now. 2
Author Bunnycake Posted May 12, 2017 Author Posted May 12, 2017 Many thanks for all of your responses. You have confirmed my thoughts and that was what I needed. I didn't want to be a person who gave up too easily and I don't really want to be the one to end it, but he isn't taking any action and appears to be happy in limbo. I do already have a good idea of what the house is worth and how much equity I would have as have sat and done all the calculations. I didn't mention that I'm actually in the UK and in the South East of England which is notoriously expensive. I can't afford to rent even a studio flat anywhere in the area (the rental would be about £200 more per month than I'm currently spending on mortgage and bills, and I'd have to pay bills on top of that). A house share would cost the same as what I'm paying towards mortgage/bills so I could consider that once our current property is sorted. I currently live 20 miles away from work and the traffic is so bad here that my commute is already an hour so I wouldn't want to be any further out. I'm looking into returning to my university city which is much much cheaper. I'm trying to make plans, but just needed to confirm that I shouldn't be giving it more time. 1
PegNosePete Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 3 MONTHS??!?! Wow, I wouldn't have lived like that for 3 weeks. Yes, you've definitely given him more than enough time. His actions show that the relationship is well and truly over. Be careful of letting him buy you out of the house. Get proper valuations from estate agents, don't rely on zoopla etc. The amount you get paid wouldn't necessarily be a simple 50% of the value, remember to take into account moving expenses, stamp duty, agent fees, conveyancing, etc. Removing your name from the mortgage might incur fees too, or might need a whole new mortgage application. It's always worth seeing a solicitor for advice, even though you're not married. First consultation is free, so you really do lose nothing by talking to one (or even better, a few). 2
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