Merin Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 So My relationship with my Boyfriend of 8 months is going great *Knock on wood* BUT my BF has some friends that are having a hard time in thier marriage... what does that have to do with he and I you might wonder... Well.. My BF had asked me a few weeks ago to think about us living together once my lease is up (in a few months) BUT because his friends are having some issues in thier marriage.. everytime it happens the Guy Friend wants to move in with my BF... My BF is a good Guy like that to help out a friend BUT I feel that this would be a bad thing for my BF and I for his friend to move in with him... as it is now his buddy doesn't like me to be around when he's going to be spending time at my BF's house.. I've only met him a few times and he's never said more than 4 words to me. So I'm not sure what to do or say to my BF about this.. on one hand I understand he wants to help his Buddy out but on the other hand I feel that his Buddy and his Wife need to work thier own crap out and regardless not depend on my BF to make things good or okay for them... it's one thing to be supportive and another to support with his Buddy moving in. I'm worried about how this would impact our relationship... we would no longer have any kind of privacy not to mention we have been talking about the 2 of us living together.. so how long is this Buddy of his planning to stay right? This is a hard thing... how do I talk to my BF about this? Damn!
noname Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 you should ask him if he feels that it is going to effect your relationship at all. and this should segue into a conversation where you can tell him that you are a little concerned, but i wouldn't do anything past that. and i wouldn't act as if you are totally opposed. it is his decision and the last thing either one of you needs is him feeling that you are coming between him and his friends. that might make matters worse. your relationship is still very young and this kind of disagreement could be a make it or break it issue. do not forget to ask him if there is going to be a time limit because you want to make sure that when you move in, there is no one there besides the two of you. true his buddy and his spouse need to work things out between the two of them but they may actually need some time away from each other to do so and your boyfriend may be the only outlet he has to do so. why would there be no privacy. do you live alone? or do you have roomates?
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Merin, You never mentioned how you feel about moving in with the BF.. The answer may lie there.. Are you hesitant ? Bring up the moving in talk again to him and mention about how you feel.. mention your kids and how having a 3rd party in the houshold would effect the kids. And I agree with you about the "unknown" friend.. kinda would give me the ebbie jeebies too.
Author Merin Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by noname true his buddy and his spouse need to work things out between the two of them but they may actually need some time away from each other to do so and your boyfriend may be the only outlet he has to do so. why would there be no privacy. do you live alone? or do you have roomates? I wouldn't have an issue if his Buddy understood that this wasn't going to be a permanant solution for him AND if EVERY TIME he and his Wife were having issues that THEY would resolve them, not him wanting to move in with my BF.. My BF isn't the only place he could go, he has family here. The privacy issue... As I said in my first post My BF's buddy gets upset if I'm going to be around when he is... he's wierd like that so yeah what am I suppose to do then.. never come over unless or until his boy has something else to do or going on? AND I have 2 Little Peeps that live with me but see thier Dad every other weekend... as well as my BF has 2 Little People that are with him every other weekend and one day during the week... so when we do get some time for just he and I it isn't often and the last thing I would really be crazy about is his Buddy being right there with us. I'm not trying to come in between him and his boy... thats his friend and I'm all good to go with that... but I'm also not the person who freaks out if his buddy wants to come over to his house when I'm there.. make sense? I think he has a lot of issues (his buddy) and yeah I don't think he cares at all if this wasn't a good thing for my BF and I...
Author Merin Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall Merin, You never mentioned how you feel about moving in with the BF.. The answer may lie there.. Are you hesitant ? Bring up the moving in talk again to him and mention about how you feel.. mention your kids and how having a 3rd party in the houshold would effect the kids. And I agree with you about the "unknown" friend.. kinda would give me the ebbie jeebies too. I'm not hesitant to move in with my BF.. When we talked about it, we both felt it would be a good step in the right direction for us... He also has 2 Kiddo's... and so again even his buddy living there just under that condition would be wierd... I mean I do understand that this is his friend and he wants to help... but again his buddy and his wife seem to be doing this "dance" every 2 or 3 weeks you know? They also have a Child together... I just don't see this as a good thing
alphamale Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 i don't think u 2 are at the stage of living together right now. too many extraneous issues floating around. I'd wait for another 6 months to a year and if the time is right and you're still an "item", then go ahead and do it.
Author Merin Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale i don't think u 2 are at the stage of living together right now. too many extraneous issues floating around. I'd wait for another 6 months to a year and if the time is right and you're still an "item", then go ahead and do it. By the time My lease is up we will have been together for a year. We are not Kid's anymore.. we are adults so yeah I don't see or think about the 2 of us being an "Item" we are in an exclusive relationship...
CurlyIam Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 I'm with alphamale. You know why? Because also your BF wants to help his friend, after four months of continuous mutterning and moaning, he'll have enough of his friend on his own. Not to mention that he'd be missing the time you used t spend together. Let him chose, trust me, he knows how you're feeling. If he didn't plain out refuse his friend about his moving in... it means that he's the one not that sure about this step right now. Take the pressure off and let him decide freely. IMHO, if he really did want to move in with you, his friend with all his crapy marriage would have been history by now. A man knows about these things.
Author Merin Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam I'm with alphamale. You know why? Because also your BF wants to help his friend, after four months of continuous mutterning and moaning, he'll have enough of his friend on his own. Not to mention that he'd be missing the time you used t spend together. Let him chose, trust me, he knows how you're feeling. If he didn't plain out refuse his friend about his moving in... it means that he's the one not that sure about this step right now. Take the pressure off and let him decide freely. IMHO, if he really did want to move in with you, his friend with all his crapy marriage would have been history by now. A man knows about these things. This isn't about me making the choice for him. My BF will make that decision on his own.. it's in letting him know how I feel about it. I didn't put pressure on my BF for us to live together, I didn't bring it up, HE DID. I don't feel him not telling his friend NO means he isn't sure of us or sure of what he wants, it means he wants to help his buddy out...
lindya Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Merin and yeah I don't think he cares at all if this wasn't a good thing for my BF and I... Sorry to hear that, Merin. Have you raised that with your bf? It's a tricky one, I know. Some guys do seem inclined to be oblivious or turn a blind eye to subtle relationship sabotage by their friends, and it's not easy to deal with without sounding like you're being paranoid or bitching.
Author Merin Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by lindya Sorry to hear that, Merin. Have you raised that with your bf? It's a tricky one, I know. Some guys do seem inclined to be oblivious or turn a blind eye to subtle relationship sabotage by their friends, and it's not easy to deal with without sounding like you're being paranoid or bitching. Thanks Lindya... No I haven't spoke to my BF about his Friend... All the rest of his Friends I really like and the only reason I don't really care that much for this one in particular is because of his freaky behaviour... he seems like jealous of the relationship I have with my BF for some reason. I have been nothing but cool to his Buddy and have never told my BF that I really don't care for his Friend... it just bothers me that when he is going to come over to my BF's house now (even unannounced) that if he see's my car there he will drive up, then pull away, call my BF and ask when I'm leaving.. WTF? He has no reason to not like me.. and he is the only one of my BF's friends that behaves this way. AND You've hit it on the head... I don't want to sound like I'm bitching or telling him whats okay and what isn't... nor do I want him to think I'm being paranoid here... I guess more than anything I do want to know that IF his friend is going to be at my BF's house for a seperation or whatever that his buddy understands this is temporary number one and that I'm a part of my BF's life and I'm not going to leave or tip toe around him because he feels insecure or wierd.... This sucks
alphamale Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Merin I don't see or think about the 2 of us being an "Item" we are in an exclusive relationship... I mean if you're still together as a couple in 6 months time.... Originally posted by CurlyIam I'm with alphamale. Originally posted by lindya Some guys do seem inclined to be oblivious or turn a blind eye to subtle relationship sabotage by their friends, Well come on LINDYA...you know how many buddies I've lost to women? Tons! I mean, these dudes start dating someone or get married and they fall of the face of the earth. The only time they call anymore is if they need to borrow a power tool or if they broke up or got divorced.
CurlyIam Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 I don't know how your relationship is, Merin, all I know is that me, personaly, I'm very anxious whilst in a relationship. So I guess I assumes you were also anxious, LOL - me seeing the bad in everything! It sucks big time when such things occur, because now is the moment when your bf's friend needs help the most. So I guess we'll just wait and see how things turn out - meaning what your bf will chose. I'd never think you'd be deciding anything for your bf, however, women do have their way of... deciding, if you know what I mean .
Author Merin Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale I mean if you're still together as a couple in 6 months time.... Well come on LINDYA...you know how many buddies I've lost to women? Tons! I mean, these dudes start dating someone or get married and they fall of the face of the earth. The only time they call anymore is if they need to borrow a power tool or if they broke up or got divorced. Well in 5 months time is when we were looking to move in together, and it isn't that I'm worried that his Buddy will still be there in 5 months time.. it's that I'm worried about the negative impact his living there is going to have on our relationship right now... his buddy is wierd. My BF still see's all of his friends on a regular basis and I don't get on him about doing so... I still see my friends as well and wouldn't have it any other way. I don't ask a lot of my BF, I don't nag on my boyfriend or have unrealistic expectations of him... but yeah IMO it isn't unreasonable to not want his buddy there 24/7 ESPECIALLY how his Boy behaves now with somehow "needing" my BF's full, undivided attention whenever he (his friend) deems neccessary... while I'm good to go with him being friends with this Guy, I'm not good to go with his Buddy not seeming to get that I am in my BF's life as well.
Naive Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Tell him tha you think he should that his friend is a big boy and that he should let im solve his problems on his own. He can be there emotionally for his friend but he has to think about his own relationship before trying to help someone else's!
Author Merin Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam I don't know how your relationship is, Merin, all I know is that me, personaly, I'm very anxious whilst in a relationship. So I guess I assumes you were also anxious, LOL - me seeing the bad in everything! It sucks big time when such things occur, because now is the moment when your bf's friend needs help the most. So I guess we'll just wait and see how things turn out - meaning what your bf will chose. I'd never think you'd be deciding anything for your bf, however, women do have their way of... deciding, if you know what I mean . LOL Eh you know me Girl... IF it can be looked at under a microscope I'm sure I've looked at it, then looked again, then double checked my findings! Again, I have no problem with my BF's buddy needing some help, thats all okay with me.. it's that his buddy needs to get it through his head that I AM also in my BF's life and I'm not going anywhere... it's freakin wierd how he gets if I'm going to be around.. and again this is the only one of his friends that is like this. I just want my BF to make it clear to him (his buddy) that he's there for him, and will help him out.. BUT that it is a temporary thing, and that OUR relationship isn't going to change because he (His buddy) is having issues... As far as me deciding.. LOL I'm just not like that... I give my BF his own time, space and whatever... I'm not one to complain or nag... LOL and I mean that seriously. I dunno... I just wish his Buddy and his Wife would figure out what they need to do, because having this issue every 2 to 3 weeks isn't a good thing for anyone.
alphamale Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Merin Well in 5 months time is when we were looking to move in together, and it isn't that I'm worried that his Buddy will still be there in 5 months time.. it's that I'm worried about the negative impact his living there is going to have on our relationship right now... his buddy is wierd. ahh...the truth comes out. so we have a power struggle going on here very nice... so we could turn it around and say what if one of your girlfriends he thought was a bit strange had some tough times and had to live with you temporarily? just playing devils advocate, i guess.
lindya Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Well come on LINDYA...you know how many buddies I've lost to women? Tons! I mean, these dudes start dating someone or get married and they fall of the face of the earth. The only time they call anymore is if they need to borrow a power tool or if they broke up or got divorced. Aha - so you admit to dabbling in relationship sabotage! Merin, you never know...even though you get hostile vibes from this guy, he might feel more warmly towards you than you think. I remember a particularly grouchy bastard my ex was friendly with. He was really difficult to be around, I constantly had to do a cheery "water off a duck's back" act in response to his rudeness - and I really did feel disliked by the guy. Yet after my ex cheated on me, he informed me that X (grouchy friend) had been livid with him about the whole thing (the cheating). Meantime a couple of his sunnier, friendlier mates had been egging him on to get off with this female while he was going out with me. It's a strange, strange world!
Author Merin Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by ~Naive~ Tell him tha you think he should that his friend is a big boy and that he should let im solve his problems on his own. He can be there emotionally for his friend but he has to think about his own relationship before trying to help someone else's! Thats exactly where I'm coming from too Naive... Again I don't mind him helping his friend, if it was one of my friends I would help as well... BUT because of his friends past wiggy behaviour surrounding the relationship I have with my BF... it bothers me that his Friend doesn't see (or doesn't care) that his living there wouldn't be good for his buddies (my bf's) relationship... but then again, I think that would be all okay with him (his buddy) as he hasn't seemed to thrilled about my BF being in a relationship...
Author Merin Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale ahh...the truth comes out. so we have a power struggle going on here very nice... so we could turn it around and say what if one of your girlfriends he thought was a bit strange had some tough times and had to live with you temporarily? just playing devils advocate, i guess. One if one of my GF's was having some issues of course I would want to help.. BUT I've got to also say that if my GF living with me was going to damage my relationship with my BF then I would look for other ways to help her out, and/or make her painfully aware that My BF is important to me and regardless of whatever he was going to come first.. There is only 2 GF's that I put above all others and those are my Wee Peeps. Also... sorry but yeah his buddy is wierd... for real he's like 30 years old and can't seem to get a handle on the fact that my BF has a Woman in his life... yeah thats wierd... he himself is married and worried about what my BF is doing... seems to me he and his Wife need to worry a hella lot more about thier relationship and less about everyone elses. Originally posted by lindya Aha - so you admit to dabbling in relationship sabotage! Merin, you never know...even though you get hostile vibes from this guy, he might feel more warmly towards you than you think. I remember a particularly grouchy bastard my ex was friendly with. He was really difficult to be around, I constantly had to do a cheery "water off a duck's back" act in response to his rudeness - and I really did feel disliked by the guy. Yet after my ex cheated on me, he informed me that X (grouchy friend) had been livid with him about the whole thing (the cheating). Meantime a couple of his sunnier, friendlier mates had been egging him on to get off with this female while he was going out with me. It's a strange, strange world! Blah it is a strange world... G'damn it! LOL I dunno.. his friend has zero reason to not like me... but who knows?! It just wigs me out that he seems so possesive of my BF...
alphamale Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Merin .. his friend has zero reason to not like me... sure he does...you're a threat to his friendship with your b/f
Author Merin Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale sure he does...you're a threat to his friendship with your b/f Why is it none of the rest of my BF's friends behave like this? Sheesh.. he is to old to be acting like that (his buddy) I have never come between him and My BF AND if he put half the effort into his marriage as he seems to in whacking out over my relationship with my BF maybe there wouldn't be an issue to begin with... Blah!
lindya Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Merin It just wigs me out that he seems so possesive of my BF... Ah - don't worry Merin. I bet once he gets used to the fact that you're in your BF's life and staying there, the vice-like grip of surly affection and possessiveness will be extended to you.
Author Merin Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by lindya Ah - don't worry Merin. I bet once he gets used to the fact that you're in your BF's life and staying there, the vice-like grip of surly affection and possessiveness will be extended to you.
alphamale Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Merin AND if he put half the effort into his marriage as he seems to in whacking out over my relationship with my BF maybe there wouldn't be an issue to begin with... Blah! this is an issue for your B/F to hammer out and resolve, not you. If you get in the middle you will create resentment....
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