2005tahoe Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 I recently met a young lady on POF, after talking a few days we set up a date. I picked her up at her house and we just went for a drive then back to her house to watch TV and made out a little. She is still legally married but separated for 8 months, divorce will be final in November. We talk/text every day and have talked about family, sex, the future and work. We are on the same page with all of those things. I guess I am what you would call a late bloomer b/c I don't pick up on hints of sex or flirting until later on and I feel like an idiot. She works crazy hours and its hard for us to see each other, So she has invited me over tonight after her 4 year old goes to bed, which is around 9pm. I am a very respectful person when it comes to how I treat women. I know that going over this late during the week COULD mean sex. How do I pick up on the hints, if she gives any? How do I initiate it and be respectful if she rejects it? I get nervous about pursuing sex b/c I don't want her to think that's all I want b/c it isn't. If we do have sex I don't want it to ruin the relationship either, I don't want to be a rebound. What would you do?
Mrin Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 Ok a couple of things... 1. Yes. This is a booty call. No single mom calls a dude over after 9pm when her 4 year old is asleep to just talk. She's wanting sex. 2. I have real problems about her conduct in respect to her 4 year old. Inviting what is essentially a stranger into the house who hasn't been introduced to the child is sketch in my book. Especially if it escalates to sex or sexual conduct. Imagine the horror and confusion for the child if he/she wakes form a bad dream and finds a strange man on top of mom and mom is making all sorts of scary noises and movements. Sorry but this is a parenting red flag for me. 3. You are probably a rebound. She probably doesn't know it. The only way not to be a rebound is to not be one - and that means giving her a lot more time or let someone else be the rebound. Best of luck. 8
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 (edited) Maybe I'm old school... But driving in a car, going to her house, watching tv and making out is not really a "date." Certainly not a first date. And now, she wants you to come back over to her house for your "second date" when her child will be present - possibly to have sex. That's not a responsible thing to do as a mother. I'm sure you are a good person, but she doesn't know that. She is bringing a virtual stranger into her home to have sex, on the second date - that's wrong, wrong, wrong! This is kind of crazy... First, you don't know each other. Second, you've kind of skipped the dating part of the relationship where you have fun together and get to know each other. If what you want is casual sex with a married woman (because she is still married) in her home with her young child present, then continue... I would steer clear of this woman. Really think about whether this is what you want because I don't see this developing into a long term relationship or ending well for you. I'm sorry to say... Edited May 11, 2017 by BaileyB
PegNosePete Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 2. I have real problems about her conduct in respect to her 4 year old. Agree. She has some very strange ideas about personal safety. Getting into the car of someone she's never met on the first "date", inviting him to her place for the second "date" with her toddler present. What is she playing at? And you should think about your personal safety too. Inviting a stranger into your car. Going to a stranger's house. You don't know her at all. This kind of thing has happened in the past. What if her 3 friends are waiting to rob you when you arrive? Or her husband walks in while you're getting down? This is a very high risk situation and you'd be best advised not to get involved. Or at least to take things slow until you know her better. I don't want to be a rebound. What would you do? Well for a start I would find someone who is not married.
Kitchen Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 1,000% it's for sex. As far as reading the signals, well how did you end up making out the first time? Just get to the make out part and then it should be easy. Unhook her bra, remove articles of clothing, feel around, foreplay, third base, and before you know it you'll be putting a condom on. You got this. Now in the tiny case she doesn't actually want sex, she'll straight up tell you "no not this time" or something of that sort. But seriously, I think you've got this, go for it! Also I agree with other posters here, she's looking for something casual not a relationship. So don't plan or do anything romantic for her. Don't waste your time or money on her, just go in and have fun.
Redhead14 Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 talking a few days we set up a date. I picked her up at her house and we just went for a drive then back to her house to watch TV invited me over tonight after her 4 year old goes to bed She is completely and totally unfocused, selfish and neglectful of her #1 priority in her life -- her CHILD. A woman does not invite a complete stranger to her home where her child sleeps EVER!!!!! So, right off the bat, you know she doesn't understand or enforce boundaries to ensure the safety of her children or herself. She's not very intelligent or mindful. I don't want her to think that's all I want b/c it isn't. -- She has set the stage for all this . . . so I think your concern is moot. I would not go there tonight out of respect for her child and as a matter of common sense because, frankly, she is a virtual stranger to you as well. Men can find themselves in bad situations as well. She is still legally married but separated for 8 months -- The father of her child may, hopefully, find that she is bringing strangers around his child, setting the stage for drama. You don't want any part of that. I think it would be a bad move to continue dating her. She doesn't understand her priorities and doesn't maintain boundaries for her child. I have absolutely no respect for her and I've never met her . . . you've told enough to paint that picture.
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 I agree. She is . . . gee I don't even know how to phrase it . . . nuts? No sane woman who cares about her safety invites some random guy off the internet over to her house to pick her up for a 1st date. A 1st date off OLD involves meeting in a public well lit place. A woman with an ounce of self respect doesn't let the guy get away with some lame, no effort BS like a drive. A woman who wants a relationship doesn't bring him back to the house for a make out session, but I could get past that & I'm not judging someone for a ONS. 2005tahoe, you are probably a nice decent guy but she did not know that. You could have been a psycho killer. This booty call business -- with the 4 year old home? Oh heck no! What kind of message does that send this poor kid? Pretend you are the kids' father. Would you want your EX entertaining strange gentleman callers for the first time with your child in the next room? She's a pretty lousy mom with very poor judgment IMO Go get laid if you want but be very cautious around this chick. She's got at least one screw loose. At this point if I were you I'd be concerned that she was going to roll you for your wallet. Seriously, if you are going to go over there, leave your wallet at home; bring a few dollars, an ATM card & your DL, nothing else. Bring condoms too. You don't know where she's been or with whom. Are you sure you met her on POF, not Tinder? 1
PegNosePete Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 You don't know where she's been or with whom. But you can probably assume it's been lots. I very much doubt this is the first time she's done this. She has shown that she's perfectly happy to sleep with a guy on the 2nd date (probably 1st date if your game was better). No judgements... if that's what makes her happy when more power to her but it's pretty irresponsible to put her kid at such risk, and you really should avoid emotional involvement because you're NOT the first or the last guy she'll invite over on the 1st date. 2
Author 2005tahoe Posted May 11, 2017 Author Posted May 11, 2017 I don't know that sex is what it is leading up to, I'm just asking. I know there are dangers but why would a mother risk her child in the same house if something were to happen? The first time we met was at her house during the day, still light out. She had just gotten back from eating with her daughter that wanted her mother to eat with her before dropping her off at the babysitter. I guess one of three things can happen: booty call and things fall apart, we actually watch a movie and relax, or I reject her advances and things fall apart.
smackie9 Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 Like I Wallas say....it if doesn't feel right, then it's not.
preraph Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 Reality: She has a kid that it's hard for her to ditch so she can date, so that's why she's inviting you over -- so she doesn't have to get a babysitter and because this is the most convenient thing to her. Do not assume inviting you over is a sex invitation, but DO keep making out with her. I am always surprised at the number of people on this forum who can't tell when someone wants sex. To me, it all just flows. You make out and if both people are putting something into the making out, things just kind of keep going -- and then on the brink of actual intercourse, there may be some discussion about condoms or whatever. But don't make this something you have to be psychic about. Make out with her and see if she keeps going as things progress or puts an end to the night and sends you home because it's too soon or it's getting too late. And by the way, she's a busy person who probably has to get up at down, so don't put off the making out until the wee hours or it will get too late and she will have to put a stop to it. She likes you, has invited you over, and whether she has sex next time or sometime down the road isn't a reflection of whether she likes you or not, so don't take being booted out as a permanent rejection. Make out, have fun, relax, see how receptive she is and she sounds mature enough that you're going to know if she's really getting passionate or not. 2
Author 2005tahoe Posted May 11, 2017 Author Posted May 11, 2017 Reality: She has a kid that it's hard for her to ditch so she can date, so that's why she's inviting you over -- so she doesn't have to get a babysitter and because this is the most convenient thing to her. Do not assume inviting you over is a sex invitation, but DO keep making out with her. I am always surprised at the number of people on this forum who can't tell when someone wants sex. To me, it all just flows. You make out and if both people are putting something into the making out, things just kind of keep going -- and then on the brink of actual intercourse, there may be some discussion about condoms or whatever. But don't make this something you have to be psychic about. Make out with her and see if she keeps going as things progress or puts an end to the night and sends you home because it's too soon or it's getting too late. And by the way, she's a busy person who probably has to get up at down, so don't put off the making out until the wee hours or it will get too late and she will have to put a stop to it. She likes you, has invited you over, and whether she has sex next time or sometime down the road isn't a reflection of whether she likes you or not, so don't take being booted out as a permanent rejection. Make out, have fun, relax, see how receptive she is and she sounds mature enough that you're going to know if she's really getting passionate or not. I understand what youre saying. I don't want to have sex and her not want to pursue a relationship, we have already discussed what we are looking for. She asked me last week about talking to other girls, I told her honestly that I wasn't, I don't have the time for it. Not all guys are "hookup" guys, back when I was dating, I'm 38, going to a guys or girls house to watch a movie was just that. Its the guys that have done those things, to push sex, to ghost after they get it and to ignore the girl afterwards. They ruin it for the nice guys like me, who would never lead anyone on. Now, if she makes a move then I'm open to sex, if not then I know where we stand and that sex isn't the most important thing to us right now. 3
Miss Spider Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 Not always when you are invited over to someone's place is sex always on the table. I don't get that all. Maybe I'm just innocent. I have been on a date at a guys place at 8, 9 and he made dinner, we played pool, we watched movies(really). They Might have wanted sex, but tough. I don't believe because you're in your dates house or behind 4 walls you lose your capacity to make decision on what youre comfortable doing there. That being said, she definitely could want a booty call. Set whatever boundaries you want when you get there. 2
Author 2005tahoe Posted May 11, 2017 Author Posted May 11, 2017 Not always when you are invited over to someone's place is sex always on the table. I don't get that all. Maybe I'm just innocent. I have been on a date at a guys place at 8, 9 and he made dinner, we played pool, we watched movies(really). They Might have wanted sex, but tough. I don't believe because you're in your dates house or behind 4 walls you lose your capacity to make decision on what youre comfortable doing there. That being said, she definitely could want a booty call. Set whatever boundaries you want when you get there. We have actually talked about the sex thing. We are going to wait until we are committed to each other, its moving in that she misses the family life and mine was destroyed 3 years ago by a cheating wife. I want a family so bad. 2
rester Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 This has booty call and rebound written all over it. If that's not what you want, proceed with caution.
Mrin Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 Honestly whether it means sex or not is besides the point. She's exibitimg extremely questionable parenting and boundary decision making. Just the thought of what she is proposing makes me itch all over as a parent. Do you want to be in a relationship with that??? 2
Redhead14 Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 Honestly whether it means sex or not is besides the point. She's exibitimg extremely questionable parenting and boundary decision making. Just the thought of what she is proposing makes me itch all over as a parent. Do you want to be in a relationship with that??? A better question is: Would he want her to be the mother of his children???
palmsand Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 It's not uncommon to meet or pickup a women at her home for a first/second date. It seems crazy to me but many of them apparently aren't concerned enough to not do it. I think it's sound reasoning that if a woman trusts that she will be safe with you, then she also trusts that her child will be safe. It seems like an all or nothing kind of thing. Again, it's irresponsible and risky.
Popsicle Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 Why don't you just let whatever happens happen. That is, if you're up for it. 1
act00 Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 I'm really wondering how YOU thought a drive in the car was a good first date. Really? You couldn't take her out for a drink, maybe dinner? Then lounge on her sofa for TV? Impressive. <sarcasm> I have to agree, even if sex isn't on the roster for your next date, for her to bring a strange man to her home after her 4-year-old is asleep is poor judgement, let alone getting in the car with a stranger, and better yet, accepting a drive in the car as anything worthy of what would be considered a date. I wouldn't entertain a second date if that's the idea of a first...not that I would give out my address to an online stranger and get in his car. It is very likely she's after sex, and you're not the first and you won't be the last. She's not even divorced yet and only officially split for 8 months. If she's "all that," she'll be available after she sows her wild oats and is ready for something real. Right now her standards seem to be pretty low and her inhibitions lower. I wonder what the father is going to do when he finds out she's bringing in a string of strange men into the home with his child present. Drama ensues. 1
Author 2005tahoe Posted May 12, 2017 Author Posted May 12, 2017 I'm really wondering how YOU thought a drive in the car was a good first date. Really? You couldn't take her out for a drink, maybe dinner? Then lounge on her sofa for TV? Impressive. <sarcasm> I have to agree, even if sex isn't on the roster for your next date, for her to bring a strange man to her home after her 4-year-old is asleep is poor judgement, let alone getting in the car with a stranger, and better yet, accepting a drive in the car as anything worthy of what would be considered a date. I wouldn't entertain a second date if that's the idea of a first...not that I would give out my address to an online stranger and get in his car. It is very likely she's after sex, and you're not the first and you won't be the last. She's not even divorced yet and only officially split for 8 months. If she's "all that," she'll be available after she sows her wild oats and is ready for something real. Right now her standards seem to be pretty low and her inhibitions lower. I wonder what the father is going to do when he finds out she's bringing in a string of strange men into the home with his child present. Drama ensues. I offered dinner and drinks. Her daughter wanted her to have dinner together, so I let them. I wasn't going to be an ass and try to force a date with her. To me it was about spending time together, not do the cliché date, the best dates are going with the flow. He ex has moved out, long ago and the house is in just her name, so he cant just show up. But last night went amazing and she wants to see me again. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 I'm glad it was "amazing" for you, but please proceed with caution. She is not exhibiting the best decision making. Don't get too caught up in this woman's orbit to quickly. Keep your eyes & ears open. She seems very reckless 1
BaileyB Posted May 12, 2017 Posted May 12, 2017 I'm glad it was "amazing" for you, but please proceed with caution. She is not exhibiting the best decision making. Don't get too caught up in this woman's orbit to quickly. Keep your eyes & ears open. She seems very reckless If I may, it would seem that both of you are being reckless and ignoring great big red flags... Proceed with caution and don't let the fact that this woman is showing you attention or the fact that you want to have a family cloud your ability to really assess her with the diligence that you should look at a potential life partner. For example, she is for all intent and purpose still married... 1
Author 2005tahoe Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 (edited) If I may, it would seem that both of you are being reckless and ignoring great big red flags... Proceed with caution and don't let the fact that this woman is showing you attention or the fact that you want to have a family cloud your ability to really assess her with the diligence that you should look at a potential life partner. For example, she is for all intent and purpose still married... Ok, so I will take the scolding from you guys. All I heard were white lies from the beginning. How I treated her right, I make her so happy, I miss you's, I cant wait to see you, so on. I did go to her house and we did have sex, then I left shortly after as I had to work the next morning. Friday I was going to go to see her again but she said that her grandmother wasn't doing good and that she needed to spend time with the family, I agreed and said no worries, we continue to talk. Saturday, I was supposed to meet up with her again, same as the day before, her grandmother still wasn't doing good. Well, an hour later she changed her mind and said she was going home to sleep, that she had a rough night, she also said that she missed me and really wanted to see me. So, I didn't text her after that, she was starting to be cold. Sunday morning I didn't text her and about 10:30 she sent "so..." whatever that means, we have small talk but shes not sending emojis like she used too. I asked her if she would like to grab dinner later and she told me that she was cooking for her mother since it was mothers day and that she was going to bed shortly after as she had a bad night at work. So, that's the last I have heard from her in 2 days. Most of you were right, I was just trying to be optimistic and hoping that she was genuine. I don't know whether to reach out once more, incase her grandmother went for the worst or delete her info and go NC. Edited May 16, 2017 by 2005tahoe
d0nnivain Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 If you insist on reaching out send a text like this: Hi. Hope your grandmother is doing better & that you had a happy Mother's Day. I'm around if you'd like to do something. Let me know. Normally I'm a big advocate of being specific but here, it's clear she's in the driver's seat so see what she says. 1
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