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He's still not over his ex and it's hurting me, but I have trouble letting him go

mariopeachbowser

By mariopeachbowser
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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mariopeachbowser Member

mariopeachbowser

Posted
Posted

So these have been the weirdest few months of my life, and I hate that my feelings are still involved because I know this isn't even close to being

some romantic story.

 

I met my current bf in January 2017 off of a dating site, and things moved fast with us. We had a wonderful first date that lasted all day long, he seemed extremely interested in me. We hung out like every day the first week for hours at a time. He would randomly bring up his ex-gf and how much better/nicer/attractive I was then her,

I didn't think of it as that big of a deal, but I probably should have and gotten out then. We got closer, and wound up having sex way sooner than I intended to. I usually wait at least 3 months of knowing someone before I decide to have sex, but this was within the first few weeks. I still regret this and lost some respect for myself, but I really started to fall for him quick, quicker than anyone else. He would talk about a future with me. He seemed really sweet, funny, and affectionate and the fact he was the cutest guy I've dated was just icing on the cake.

 

After about a month, his obsession with his ex was clear, he would talk about her most of the time, and said he was still friends with her.

I listened to a lot of him talking about being mad that she's sleeping with other guys, or that she would call him crying and he would be there to support her. Still, as stupid as this may sound, I already felt attached to him by this point and wanted to help and make him feel better so I would be there to listen to him complain about her.

 

Over that next month I noticed how flakey he was, he would make plans a lot and then cancel. Some excuses seemed legit, some really didn't.

This stuff got to be too much, so I was just honest with him and I told him that his ex-gf drama and unreliability are too much for me and that

we should just be friends, though I still hoped we could work things out and be in a relationship eventually. He apologized for wasting my time and agreed to be friends. The next time we met up was a disappointment, he talked about his ex a lot again, and how he could see her coming to town (she lives a few hours away) and staying at his place and they could possibly work things out, but he wasn't completely sure.

He said he liked spending time with me but "didn't want to lead me on", which basically meant uninterested in me. Then he wound up making out with me, wanted to have sex but I refused.

He then invited me out for a movie and to stay at his house that next week (what? this was a mind**** for me, especially after him saying he didn't want to lead me on). I wound up getting really

put off by this and wound up blocking him a few days later.

 

A few weeks later he contacted me from a new number apologizing, telling me he missed me and how wonderful I am and basically begging for a relationship with me and told me his

ex screwed him over and he's done with her and blocked her for good. He wanted to start over, and I decided to give him a chance because I really wound up missing him too.

I told him we could start over but just as friends and see where it leads. It lead to us having some great times, and we decided to become exclusive. He still would be flakey though, and very "hot and cold" with me. But, he stopped talking about his ex which was actually a big relief.

Then, a few weeks later he tells me he's really sad, but won't say why. I told him he could open up to me, but he still didn't. I was worried about him. He finally did after I pestered him enough, and he told me he was worried about making me mad, but he said his ex was still contacting him, and said she's dating someone else, but still wanted to hang out with him.

He said he said something mean to her and blocked her again. Since this, he's expressed having trouble sleeping, and I have a feeling it's because he's still thinking about her. I still notice him posting things on facebook that I really think are about her - posts about being bitter about being screwed over, and posts about missing someone. It hurts.

 

He is obviously heartbroken over this girl, and although he says I make him happy, I really don't know how the hell this can work. We still have some amazing times together, but there are those times where he just is not there for me at all and I feel incredibly lonely and insecure that he will talk to her again. I want to be understanding, because I know how difficult getting over someone can be, and I know he's probably not ready to fully trust or be there emotionally for me, but I can't help but really want that as time goes on. I've been so focused on him and only him these past few months, it's kind of ridiculous, I'm not one to fall in love with someone so quickly. But when I am with him I feel this spark and intense high that I've never felt with anyone.

I don't want to throw that away but this situation is getting so damn hard for me. I don't know if it's worth it, but I really don't know how I can bring myself to end it when I still have strong feelings.

 

Thanks to anyone who makes it through reading this, and anyone who has any sort of advice for me.

hercules22 Established Member

hercules22

Posted
Posted

his definately not ready to start something with you he only feels happy with you cause you are like a rebound to him clearly his not over his ex . cut contact with this person wont end well for yourself

  • Like 4
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

You are a rebound. He's getting under you to get over her & it's not working. All it's doing is hurting you.

 

 

The pain will stop when you stick up for yourself & stop allowing yourself to be used.

  • Like 3
Kamille Established Member

Kamille

Posted
Posted

 

But when I am with him I feel this spark and intense high that I've never felt with anyone.

 

 

How much of this intense high do you attribute to his push pull behaviour? The way I read your post, it sounds like you're constantly uncertain as to his feelings. Hanging out with him must bring out intense feelings of rewards. I've been on this roller coaster. It's draining in the long run. Question is: would you be as into him if the relationship was secure?

 

 

Second comment: He tells you he doesn't want to lead you on, but then invites you to stay over. That sounds like now that he's told you he doesn't want to lead you, he's putting the responsibility on you not to let yourself be led on. Don't let him get away with that passive ****. Make sure he has your best interest wellbeing and happiness at heart, or else, get out of there.

  • Like 4
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted

I think you should end it. If he was into you/you two were a match, his ex would be history. He will pull similar crap again, I guarantee. You're stringing yourself along. You deserve better than this. I'm sorry.

  • Like 2
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

Don't do this to yourself.....end it, walk away!

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mariopeachbowser Member

mariopeachbowser

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you guys. I ended it today. We had hardly talked at all since last Friday, he only came over on Monday for a "quickie", then left and ignored most of my messages and was short with me since then. This morning I asked him if there was something wrong, that he seemed to be pulling away, and facebook said he saw my message, but he didn't bother to reply, even though he was still online. I gave it a few hours, then I called him out by saying this:

 

"You can see my message but not take one minute to reply and give me an honest answer? That's bull and im tired of it. You've shown how little you care about how I feel, I'm done putting effort into this"

 

then I blocked him. maybe that makes me cold, but I can't keep putting myself through this ****.

  • Like 5
MajesticUnicorn Established Member

MajesticUnicorn

Posted
Posted

You did the right thing. Now you just need to remain strong, and not give him another chance when he inevitably comes crawling back to you. You deserve far more than being someone's rebound.

  • Like 3
sweetgirl75 Established Member

sweetgirl75

Posted
Posted
Thank you guys. I ended it today. We had hardly talked at all since last Friday, he only came over on Monday for a "quickie", then left and ignored most of my messages and was short with me since then. This morning I asked him if there was something wrong, that he seemed to be pulling away, and facebook said he saw my message, but he didn't bother to reply, even though he was still online. I gave it a few hours, then I called him out by saying this:

 

"You can see my message but not take one minute to reply and give me an honest answer? That's bull and im tired of it. You've shown how little you care about how I feel, I'm done putting effort into this"

 

then I blocked him. maybe that makes me cold, but I can't keep putting myself through this ****.

You are not cold for blocking him. Hold strong in your no contact. He is using you and you deserve a guy you can have for yourself. Let this jerk go

  • Like 4
shahjskalio Member

shahjskalio

Posted
Posted

Please start moving on and don't waste your time. I was in a similar situation and wasted 2 years. Nothing good will come out of this. Start moving on!!

  • Like 3
Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted
Thank you guys. I ended it today. We had hardly talked at all since last Friday, he only came over on Monday for a "quickie", then left and ignored most of my messages and was short with me since then. This morning I asked him if there was something wrong, that he seemed to be pulling away, and facebook said he saw my message, but he didn't bother to reply, even though he was still online. I gave it a few hours, then I called him out by saying this:

 

"You can see my message but not take one minute to reply and give me an honest answer? That's bull and im tired of it. You've shown how little you care about how I feel, I'm done putting effort into this"

 

then I blocked him. maybe that makes me cold, but I can't keep putting myself through this ****.

 

The best thing really. You must not communicate with him again. He is absolutely using you...for sex.

  • Like 5
  • 2 weeks later...
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mariopeachbowser Member

mariopeachbowser

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Update -

 

So, I had blocked his number and him on facebook, but he contacted me about a week after that from a new number (i guess he figured out I blocked his number somehow?) here is what he said

 

 

"hey its ****... i waas hoping you would unblock me and talk to me again but i supposed you are done. i just wanted to say i was sorry for not talking i had alot going on with my bro and my self and that day i was running late to work so i figured i would message u when i got done with work that day but i couldnt... i hope you are well and happy thanks for being so nice to me and all the cuddles. sorry for bugging you but i wanted you to know i was sorry."



 

in the past, when he has said he had "a lot going on with himself", he'd come at me with another story about his ex, so I didn't think to even ask about that, even though part of me was curious about it. I felt like I needed to give him a longer reply to let him know I didn't block him and break up with him just because he ignored me one day, it was a mix of everything. Here's what I replied with:

 

"That wasn't the only reason I got upset really, it was more like the straw that broke the camel's back thing. I probably didn't express it enough because I wanted to be patient and understanding but there were lots of times I was disappointed, especially when we would have plans I would never know if they were certain and be left hanging, it's just not a good feeling. I would try to talk to you more through messaging but you seemed uninterested so I thought what's even the point sometimes. And I know that you are still getting over your last relationship, and that's also too much for me. You had told me you blocked her for good which was why I felt comfortable moving forward with us and trying a relationship but you still communicated with her after that. I had trouble trusting your word, which was not a good thing especially starting out a new relationship. I know it's just not good to try to force something, if it's meant to be something it won't be so difficult. But thank you for the good times, I really do appreciate them."

 

And I waited about 5 days, no response or apology or anything, which kind of surprised me. I guess I felt like I deserved an apology or him admitting what he did wrong. For me to write something that honest and long took a lot out of me, so it sort of felt like a slap in the face that it was ignored. I thought my response was mostly mature, but maybe it offended him in some way, the tone could be read as bitchy, but I just wanted to be straightforward. Anyway, I blocked that number after those 5 days to stop torturing myself waiting for a reply. Part of me is worried that he might have been going through something serious and is struggling and I made things worse, and I'm feeling guilt, even though I know I probably shouldn't.

 

I hate that I'm still thinking so much about this and over analyzing it.

 

Any more opinions/advice would be appreciated.

 

 

Ittakestwo Member

Ittakestwo

Posted
Posted

Get out for good this time. He will come back but it will always be the Same thing, Different story - over and over again. I've wasted years and my heart on someone just like this..

BlueIvy Established Member

BlueIvy

Posted
Posted
Update -

 

So, I had blocked his number and him on facebook, but he contacted me about a week after that from a new number (i guess he figured out I blocked his number somehow?) here is what he said

 

 

"hey its ****... i waas hoping you would unblock me and talk to me again but i supposed you are done. i just wanted to say i was sorry for not talking i had alot going on with my bro and my self and that day i was running late to work so i figured i would message u when i got done with work that day but i couldnt... i hope you are well and happy thanks for being so nice to me and all the cuddles. sorry for bugging you but i wanted you to know i was sorry."



 

in the past, when he has said he had "a lot going on with himself", he'd come at me with another story about his ex, so I didn't think to even ask about that, even though part of me was curious about it. I felt like I needed to give him a longer reply to let him know I didn't block him and break up with him just because he ignored me one day, it was a mix of everything. Here's what I replied with:

 

"That wasn't the only reason I got upset really, it was more like the straw that broke the camel's back thing. I probably didn't express it enough because I wanted to be patient and understanding but there were lots of times I was disappointed, especially when we would have plans I would never know if they were certain and be left hanging, it's just not a good feeling. I would try to talk to you more through messaging but you seemed uninterested so I thought what's even the point sometimes. And I know that you are still getting over your last relationship, and that's also too much for me. You had told me you blocked her for good which was why I felt comfortable moving forward with us and trying a relationship but you still communicated with her after that. I had trouble trusting your word, which was not a good thing especially starting out a new relationship. I know it's just not good to try to force something, if it's meant to be something it won't be so difficult. But thank you for the good times, I really do appreciate them."



And I waited about 5 days, no response or apology or anything, which kind of surprised me. I guess I felt like I deserved an apology or him admitting what he did wrong. For me to write something that honest and long took a lot out of me, so it sort of felt like a slap in the face that it was ignored. I thought my response was mostly mature, but maybe it offended him in some way, the tone could be read as bitchy, but I just wanted to be straightforward. Anyway, I blocked that number after those 5 days to stop torturing myself waiting for a reply. Part of me is worried that he might have been going through something serious and is struggling and I made things worse, and I'm feeling guilt, even though I know I probably shouldn't.

 

I hate that I'm still thinking so much about this and over analyzing it.

 

Any more opinions/advice would be appreciated.

 

 

Not trying to be harsh but what more can be said? Everyone told you to block him and let him go. You guys weren't even dating long. He showed you his true colors, he is still in love with his ex. He wants you for a rebound and sex. Do you think that's all you're worth? If so, then keep giving him another "chance". If you want more and deserve better, block him and forget him. You can't even be friends because he can't even treat you decently. If he didn't want to lead you on, he wouldn't keep playing with you to get over his ex.

 

Good Luck.

  • Like 1
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mariopeachbowser Member

mariopeachbowser

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Last update on this

 

Forget my last post about feeling guilty, I don't care about his feelings anymore.

I found out he was going out of town to see his ex while dating me.

I'm livid, and hope he rots in hell.

Thanks to all for giving advice. I'll never be this stupid again.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T
  • Like 2
act00 Established Member

act00

Posted
Posted

Mistake -- We can still be friends. You walked straight into that one as a total volunteer, and what did he do? He treated you like the friend and unloaded about his ex-girlfriend woes, like friends do, and like he did when you first started going out. Mistake -- you ignored that he was hung up on his girlfriend from the very start. Then, Mr. Wonderful expected you to be more than a friend in all his woes, even though it was "just friends," and since you're emotionally attached to him as more than a friend, it's leaving you hurt and confused.

 

He and his ex-girlfriend are also pulling this "just friends" garbage, and she's telling him about her dating and boyfriends and it's eating him up, the same as it's eating you up when he talks about her.

 

Has he told her about you? Is his quasi relationship with you causing issues with her? Them? Is he equally torturing her with his dating and relationships?

 

This love triangle, quadrangle, whatever it is, is not working. You want more out of him. He is stuck on her. He wants more from her. She dumped him and is dating other men. She's batting him around like a plaything with this, "let's still be friends" bull****. He's doing it to you. YOU suggested it with him...you walked straight out of the frying pan and into the fire when you, yourself, suggested, "Let's just be friends."

 

Like that was ever going to work.

 

It's not working. End it now.

 

I know it hurts and there are no magic words or formulas to stop the hurt. You have to go no contact. Cut the rope. You can't eliminate the pain if you keep him "in your face." No "friends." No contact. Every time you itch to contact him, you need to find something to do. Go reorganize your kitchen or closet or get engrossed in the latest Netflix series or hike, walk the mall, anything. He's not your friend and he will never be a boyfriend.

 

You will meet a nice man who is available when you're done obsessing over this unavailable man. You deserve better. You deserve to be the center of your man's world.

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