When to settle and when not to

May 11, 2017

I've been dating around, had girlfriends, broke up, dated again, for some years now now. I'm sick and tired of it. Maybe it's because I'm 31, maybe the age doesn't matter, maybe I'm just at this stage of life. It's just that I want to settle down. Wife, kids, house- bring it on.

So. Half a year ago I ended it my ex because she wasn't sure about anything in her life. Her insecurities were starting to get to me. We had loads of fun, but nope. No mommy material. (I'm honestly starting thinking in those terms!)

Two months ago I started seeing this girl. Great degree, good job, very kind, gentle, very cute, stable family (3 siblings, all of them very functional as opposed to my white trash siblings!). Anyhow as a month passed I realized she's 1. not in contact with her emotions or 2. aloof / cold. She communicates/texts short and polite, stating obvious things. NO witty banter AT ALL. Come on! She's obviously an introvert, I've never dated that kind before. She has lacking social skills. I'm not even sure I want to introduce her to my close friends. I guess you could call her..... boring.

But then again she has all those other good things that I'm looking for now. Friends are not that important anymore. Honestly. Also I'm really into this stability thing, and that she is! My own upbringing was ****ed up with an alcoholic mother and so on. It's important to me with stability. But then again- I'm an ENFP, not getting any witty banter or some feedback to my ramblings is driving me nuts!

But I'm fed up with dating, uuuuuh, I feel that I can just go with this, that I can settle with this. It's fine, more or less.

You who did this, how did it go? Did you regret things? Still happily married?

May 11, 2017

I was about to ask you if we are seeing the same woman. I'm well past a year with a woman much like you describe. Give it more time if you are willing. I'm happy I did. I absolutely adore her now.

May 11, 2017

I think she sounds sweet:)

May 11, 2017

I was about to ask you if we are seeing the same woman. I'm well past a year with a woman much like you describe. Give it more time if you are willing. I'm happy I did. I absolutely adore her now.

Haha, who knows.. Happy to hear that it worked out. Yes well, I have to say that she is growing on me. All the steps just takes forever with her. In my experience the first month or two are supposed to be explosive as hell, hanging out all the time, sex sex sex, falling in love completely. Instead it's turtle speed. She left her toothbrush at my place last time though, big step... Ha, ha.

May 11, 2017

You can't give up core values. I encourage "settling" when you are talking about trivial things -- height, hair color, education level. But the biggies -- whether you truly want to spend your life with this person because you value them as an individual & as a partner rather than some fear of being alone, you can't compromise on this.

May 11, 2017

I've been dating around, had girlfriends, broke up, dated again, for some years now now. I'm sick and tired of it. Maybe it's because I'm 31, maybe the age doesn't matter, maybe I'm just at this stage of life. It's just that I want to settle down. Wife, kids, house- bring it on.

So. Half a year ago I ended it my ex because she wasn't sure about anything in her life. Her insecurities were starting to get to me. We had loads of fun, but nope. No mommy material. (I'm honestly starting thinking in those terms!)

Two months ago I started seeing this girl. Great degree, good job, very kind, gentle, very cute, stable family (3 siblings, all of them very functional as opposed to my white trash siblings!). Anyhow as a month passed I realized she's 1. not in contact with her emotions or 2. aloof / cold. She communicates/texts short and polite, stating obvious things. NO witty banter AT ALL. Come on! She's obviously an introvert, I've never dated that kind before. She has lacking social skills. I'm not even sure I want to introduce her to my close friends. I guess you could call her..... boring.

But then again she has all those other good things that I'm looking for now. Friends are not that important anymore. Honestly. Also I'm really into this stability thing, and that she is! My own upbringing was ****ed up with an alcoholic mother and so on. It's important to me with stability. But then again- I'm an ENFP, not getting any witty banter or some feedback to my ramblings is driving me nuts!

But I'm fed up with dating, uuuuuh, I feel that I can just go with this, that I can settle with this. It's fine, more or less.

You who did this, how did it go? Did you regret things? Still happily married?

Two months is not enough time to decide whether or not you are "settling" or thinking of marrying her, etc. You are and should be in "observation" mode for a few more months, in fact, as long as you are enjoying her company for the most part and she possesses qualities you are looking for.

This is still very early in the process. You may find that she "changes" over time and when she's more comfortable and secure in the relationship. This is what happens after the "honeymoon" period passes. When that happens, you are in a new mode of observation and observing the "new/real" person as they emerge. Dating is a process, not an event. If you find someone that you like enough, you need to be prepared to invest some time to explore whether the real possibility for a relationship exists at all -- and that takes time.

May 11, 2017

You don't want to introduce her to your friends or incorporate her into your life with your friends. How is this going to work for you long-term? You dump your friends? Because you can't very well leave her home all the time while you go out.

Without even going into anything else, this is not how you want to live your future.

You have issues with her lack of sense of humor and you don't mesh there at all. This will not play well out long-term. You'll probably end up fighting when you unload something silly and she "doesn't get it," and takes it seriously. It will kill you slowly, as you always have to be matter-of-fact. Humor on life circumstances is a survival mechanism.

No, don't settle. She fits all the check-boxes as a stable wife and mother, but you're losing the general fun and joy a couple has and you don't connect in a way that will provide survival of a marriage. Kids and finances kill marriages if you're not on the same page.

I agree that if this woman is really someone you're interested in, you need to give it more time. She may loosen up. Two months is too soon to be making these decisions. If you're really not clicking now, then move on now.

Don't settle because you're in a hurry to have a family. You'll end up in an unhappy marriage and severing a marriage with children is hard, and then you bounce the kids around between households. Marriages fail and people divorce. This we know. But don't walk straight into it with the thought that "she will do" and "serves a purpose," and think this will play out long term as a companion. Kids leave the nest.

May 11, 2017

Two months is not enough time to decide whether or not you are "settling" or thinking of marrying her, etc. You are and should be in "observation" mode for a few more months, in fact, as long as you are enjoying her company for the most part and she possesses qualities you are looking for.

This is still very early in the process. You may find that she "changes" over time and when she's more comfortable and secure in the relationship. This is what happens after the "honeymoon" period passes. When that happens, you are in a new mode of observation and observing the "new/real" person as they emerge. Dating is a process, not an event. If you find someone that you like enough, you need to be prepared to invest some time to explore whether the real possibility for a relationship exists at all -- and that takes time.

I agree with this. You just never know when someone will come out of their shell.. I was getting spooky about dating the woman I am seeing now but I waited it out. She was displaying some of the aloofness you described above and it as frustrating. But, I gave it a few more weeks, she started to open up a little bit and things are clicking along.

Some people have longer time lines than others when it comes to being comfortable with another person.

May 11, 2017

See, here is what I talked about on another thread about a guy who has gotten exploring out of his system and is tired of it and ready to settle down, so ready he is probably going to just pick this woman he's not sure about and is going to get bored with.

Yes, it's because you're 31. You're not over the hill yet. Take time to find someone you will enjoy talking to for the rest of your life.

May 11, 2017

I agree with this. You just never know when someone will come out of their shell.. I was getting spooky about dating the woman I am seeing now but I waited it out. She was displaying some of the aloofness you described above and it as frustrating. But, I gave it a few more weeks, she started to open up a little bit and things are clicking along.

Some people have longer time lines than others when it comes to being comfortable with another person.

I totally agree with this. I am a completely different person until I reach a level of comfort with someone. When I like someone I am a bit shy and reserved, but as time goes on I come out of my shell and become very outgoing. Lots of people like this.

May 11, 2017

I totally agree with this. I am a completely different person until I reach a level of comfort with someone. When I like someone I am a bit shy and reserved, but as time goes on I come out of my shell and become very outgoing. Lots of people like this.

I'm the opposite; I'm pretty open, talkative and sarcastic straight off the bat. Some women like it but it drives some of the more shy, conservative women back into their shell a little bit. But, I have had my fair share of dates where the women weren't fluent in sarcasm (or at least prepared for it..) and they were taken aback

I had to explain to one that NO, I don't ACTUALLY believe that middle school children should spend the school day in cages..

May 11, 2017

I was involved with a woman who hardly knew how to show affection, in private or public. Kissing...not so much. Being romantic....not so much. I stayed with her and had to literally teach/show her what I wanted. Withing months of consistent contact and effort and from her, of course, voila! She changed. Some people are introverted and there's nothing wrong with that. She may need time to catch up to you or move more in your direction.

All in all, never settle. You WILL be miserable that you did.

May 11, 2017

I'm like your GF. I've got the 'boring' feedback, although the truth is... it is just a personality type. I'm INTJ if you're into Myers Briggs. In True Color's system: green. Basically it is very hard for a person like me /her to flirt or lead a small talk. I can, I just don't enjoy it.

In my last relationship I was ready to settle... but my BF apparently changed his mind last second. By settle I mean I knew his imperfections, and I thought I'll prioritize on life goals and accept them. In the end of the day, no person is perfect, right?

So here is the deal - i think settling can work if both parties are ok with it, are committed and make an effort. If any of these conditions crumble - it creates a ground for cheating, arguments etc.

P.S. Pls distinguish 'boring'/introverted from not attracted to you. If the physical part of the relationship is lacking so early on - I'd bet it is the latter.

I've been dating around, had girlfriends, broke up, dated again, for some years now now. I'm sick and tired of it. Maybe it's because I'm 31, maybe the age doesn't matter, maybe I'm just at this stage of life. It's just that I want to settle down. Wife, kids, house- bring it on.

So. Half a year ago I ended it my ex because she wasn't sure about anything in her life. Her insecurities were starting to get to me. We had loads of fun, but nope. No mommy material. (I'm honestly starting thinking in those terms!)

Two months ago I started seeing this girl. Great degree, good job, very kind, gentle, very cute, stable family (3 siblings, all of them very functional as opposed to my white trash siblings!). Anyhow as a month passed I realized she's 1. not in contact with her emotions or 2. aloof / cold. She communicates/texts short and polite, stating obvious things. NO witty banter AT ALL. Come on! She's obviously an introvert, I've never dated that kind before. She has lacking social skills. I'm not even sure I want to introduce her to my close friends. I guess you could call her..... boring.

But then again she has all those other good things that I'm looking for now. Friends are not that important anymore. Honestly. Also I'm really into this stability thing, and that she is! My own upbringing was ****ed up with an alcoholic mother and so on. It's important to me with stability. But then again- I'm an ENFP, not getting any witty banter or some feedback to my ramblings is driving me nuts!

But I'm fed up with dating, uuuuuh, I feel that I can just go with this, that I can settle with this. It's fine, more or less.

You who did this, how did it go? Did you regret things? Still happily married?

May 11, 2017

Ahh, an ENFP. They have trouble making decisions.

May 11, 2017

See, here is what I talked about on another thread about a guy who has gotten exploring out of his system and is tired of it and ready to settle down, so ready he is probably going to just pick this woman he's not sure about and is going to get bored with.

I've encountered this type of man. They tend to almost interview you for marriage right out of the gate.

May 12, 2017

To answer your question, I did.

The girl was perfect on paper and was a virgin. We dated 5 years and were married for 5 years.

Towards the end I began to resent her and pretty much stopped having sex as I didn't want to anymore (we did not have a great sex life).

I thought I was doing the right thing as she was the best most faithful woman I had (have) ever met. But it just wasn't enough.

No one will be perfect. But if you settle with someone who doesn't meet most of your qualities you will regret it and likely get divorced.

Dating sucks. Most people would jump at the chance to bypass the process and find their solemate. But it's necessary.

May 12, 2017

After struggling with this question for a long time myself, I believe there is only one answer;

If you can turn to your partner and say "Look, I don't really feel amazing about you. I think you've got some great qualities though, but if I'm honest, you don't really tick all the boxes. However, I think you and I could build a pretty stable life together. What do you say?"

If they say "Sure, you're not all that either, but lets do this", then you're golden.

If they dump you on the spot, then you've got your answer.

The bit no one ever seems to talk about is how damn UNLOVING the notion of settling actually is. It's completely selfish. You're not coming from a place of what you can give, only what you stand to get.

Settling is cruel and I'm convinced it never leads to anything good in the long run.

May 12, 2017

I've encountered this type of man. They tend to almost interview you for marriage right out of the gate.

Haha! Funny that you mention that. I did actually mention to her the other day that I'm done fooling around, I wasn't quite as direct as your example, but I made it pretty clear that kids and all that isn't far.

I reckoned- better to get it out of the system immediately. If she'd run she'd run, otherwise great. And since then things have really gotten more intense between us, (it's almost like I'm not dating an introvert anymore!)

May 12, 2017

I'm the opposite; I'm pretty open, talkative and sarcastic straight off the bat. Some women like it but it drives some of the more shy, conservative women back into their shell a little bit. But, I have had my fair share of dates where the women weren't fluent in sarcasm (or at least prepared for it..) and they were taken aback

I had to explain to one that NO, I don't ACTUALLY believe that middle school children should spend the school day in cages..

Hear, hear. But they definitely should, though!

May 12, 2017

If you are being intimate with a man, you are well within your rights and responsibility to yourself to at least have exclusivity. You may not be able to say that you want a long-term relationship with him and vice versa at this point, but there should be exclusivity at least.

All you need to do is make a statement for yourself -- "You know, Xname, I am not nor do I plan to date anyone else at this point". If he isn't on that same page, then you should move on.

And, somewhere in the early stages of dating a new partner, there needs to be a conversation about what each of your dating goals are -- Looking to have a long-term relationship or just casually dating, etc. If you are on the same page in terms of overall goals too, then that's a deal breaker. It's not a good idea to date someone who is only casually dating when you are looking for more for yourself.

And, even if the guy says he's looking for a relationship, the woman needs to observe whether he dates her that way . . .

May 12, 2017

She has lacking social skills. I'm not even sure I want to introduce her to my close friends. I guess you could call her..... boring.

The bolded would be the absolute deal breaker for me. If you are too embarrassed to introduce her to your friends I think you'd be making a big mistake continuing on. People can certainly come out of their shell a bit but if it's so bad that you don't think your friends will accept her, I wouldn't let this get too much farther along.

May 12, 2017

The bolded would be the absolute deal breaker for me. If you are too embarrassed to introduce her to your friends I think you'd be making a big mistake continuing on. People can certainly come out of their shell a bit but if it's so bad that you don't think your friends will accept her, I wouldn't let this get too much farther along.

I don't take it that seriously. I hardly ever see my close friends myself. So it doesn't really matter when I think about it... After turning 30, for me at least, my life has transitioned to be less about friends and partying but more about career and, finding a life partner I guess.

May 12, 2017

After struggling with this question for a long time myself, I believe there is only one answer;

If you can turn to your partner and say "Look, I don't really feel amazing about you. I think you've got some great qualities though, but if I'm honest, you don't really tick all the boxes. However, I think you and I could build a pretty stable life together. What do you say?"

If they say "Sure, you're not all that either, but lets do this", then you're golden.

If they dump you on the spot, then you've got your answer.

The bit no one ever seems to talk about is how damn UNLOVING the notion of settling actually is. It's completely selfish. You're not coming from a place of what you can give, only what you stand to get.

Settling is cruel and I'm convinced it never leads to anything good in the long run.

I'm bumping what, in my opinion, is the best post here. I just assume OP is being cheeky to ask when settling is ok.

What a silly question.

Is this another case where OP is on an island where it's only him and his boring girlfriend? Why not do both of you a favor and find what you both need/want.

May 12, 2017

I don't take it that seriously. I hardly ever see my close friends myself. So it doesn't really matter when I think about it... After turning 30, for me at least, my life has transitioned to be less about friends and partying but more about career and, finding a life partner I guess.

I can definitely understand growing out of all the partying. That doesn't mean you have to ditch your friends, but okay, let's say it does.

What about family? The point I'm trying to make is you shouldn't have to ditch the important people in your life to settle down and start a family.

I'm not saying break up with her yet but if you are bored with her now it's hard to imagine it getting much better. Give it a little more time and see what happens.

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When to settle and when not to

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