LinaQ Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 Hi Everyone, I'd like to get some opinions because I'm not sure what to think. I've been dating a guy for almost 6 months now. This is a committed relationship (exclusive, steady, we spend a lot of time together, all the good stuff). We are both very compatible and in our late 20s. When we started dating, I told him that I'd have to move back to my home state in ~2yrs time. I'm in graduate school now. Once I graduate, I need to move in order to get a job. I live in a small college town where I would never be able to find a job that matches my degree. Moreover, I'm an only child with an elderly parent living alone in a different state. I feel like I have a responsibility to move back to my home state to be close to family. I brought this up early during the first few dates as background info, but it was not a serious discussion. Since there, I've mentioned the move a few times. His "playful" response was that maybe my home state could be a good match for him. He actually has some family in my home state. Honestly, my home state is probably the best state for him to get a good job with his degree. But this subject has only ever been dealt with in a playful manner. In the last month, he has started talking about buying a house in his city (where we both currently live). He seems pretty serious about it. The thing is that if he buys a house now, to me that effectively says that our relationship is doomed. If he's tied to his city by a mortgage, then that means that he most likely wouldn't be willing to move with me when I leave. I haven't had a formal talk with him about this because I feel like it might be too soon to discuss long term plans. I won't be moving away for another 1.5yrs, and we've only been dating for 5.5 months. I'd feel weird asking him to change his longterm plans so soon after meeting. But at the same time, I don't want to get hurt. He always told me that he was looking for something serious and long term, and he acts like a serious boyfriend. But I don't know what to think. How worried or not worried should I be about this? Any advice is appreciated.
lv123_go Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 Hi Everyone, I'd like to get some opinions because I'm not sure what to think. I've been dating a guy for almost 6 months now. This is a committed relationship (exclusive, steady, we spend a lot of time together, all the good stuff). We are both very compatible and in our late 20s. When we started dating, I told him that I'd have to move back to my home state in ~2yrs time. I'm in graduate school now. Once I graduate, I need to move in order to get a job. I live in a small college town where I would never be able to find a job that matches my degree. Moreover, I'm an only child with an elderly parent living alone in a different state. I feel like I have a responsibility to move back to my home state to be close to family. I brought this up early during the first few dates as background info, but it was not a serious discussion. Since there, I've mentioned the move a few times. His "playful" response was that maybe my home state could be a good match for him. He actually has some family in my home state. Honestly, my home state is probably the best state for him to get a good job with his degree. But this subject has only ever been dealt with in a playful manner. In the last month, he has started talking about buying a house in his city (where we both currently live). He seems pretty serious about it. The thing is that if he buys a house now, to me that effectively says that our relationship is doomed. If he's tied to his city by a mortgage, then that means that he most likely wouldn't be willing to move with me when I leave. I haven't had a formal talk with him about this because I feel like it might be too soon to discuss long term plans. I won't be moving away for another 1.5yrs, and we've only been dating for 5.5 months. I'd feel weird asking him to change his longterm plans so soon after meeting. But at the same time, I don't want to get hurt. He always told me that he was looking for something serious and long term, and he acts like a serious boyfriend. But I don't know what to think. How worried or not worried should I be about this? Any advice is appreciated. I think you should just be honest with him and tell your feelings towards him and talk about your fears about him buying a house. Otherwise, you will overthink it and it will get worse
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 I see no point in dating a guy who appears to be making himself comfortable staying where he is in his home city, if it is your intention to move to your home state for life basically. He may be thinking of buying a house for investment purposes, but I think that is probably unlikely. He either does not see your relationship as priority (it's only been 5.5 months after all and he may just see it as temporary as you are leaving anyway) or he doesn't think you are serious about returning home or he has no intentions of ever moving to your state. Whatever this is, you need to speak to him seriously about it.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 No need to wait. If he is serious about buying a house, then waiting will not make any difference. He could buy the house next month, no? Bring up your concerns. Ask if he'd be willing to wait 6-12 months. He may not be ready to buy in the short-term anyway. Earlier, he wasn't taking things seriously b/c the relationship was and still is young. If he insists on pursuing it, then you probably have someone who is willing to take the relationship as far as it can go and then dropping it to pursue HIS ambitions. Personally, I would not move with someone unless the relationship was rock solid and defined commitment was in place (ie. engagement, marriage, etc.). Good luck.
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 You have only been together for 6 months. That's hardly a lifetime commitment. 1.5 years from now when your graduate program is over, is 3 times longer than your relationship has lasted so far so you are projecting too far into the future right now. 1.5 years is a long time; a lot can happen. So what if he buys a house now? You can always sell a house & get a new one. It's not a lifetime commitment. Just because he has a mortgage doesn't mean he won't move. You may not get a job in your home town. You may get a job somewhere else. If your parents don't need you right now, you may be able to live elsewhere for 5, 10, 20 years before they become incapacitated Enjoy the now & stop trying to predict the future. 6
Mrin Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 A lot of people think owning a house is akin to permanence. It isn't. It is often times more of an investment particularly in this real estate climate. He could easily sell or rent it in 1.5 years time. But this is going to eat you alive if you let it linger. I'd just have a conversation with him. Make it about the house rather than "our future" so he doesn't get the marriage tweaks. Just ask him if he's putting down roots in that town by buying the house or if he's thinking something else - like investment or future rental. 1
CptInsano Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 You're pushing things too far that early in the relationship. Moving to another state is a big decision, and you cannot make that decision for him. This goes beyond what can be expected from a committed relationship without a serious discussion, as he would have to relocate to a state that may not be his first choice. The problem is that your relationship is still young, so you are stuck with having to hear the uncertainty. The house could be an investment, or he is indeed pushing back against your plans. You can have the talk, but either way you won't get certainty from a relationship at this stage.
Popsicle Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 Just date him fir the next 2 years. I mean, what else have you got to do in that time? Just have fun and enjoy your time together. That is probably his thinking. 1
PegNosePete Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 He would be crazy to NOT buy a house, just because a gf of 6 months might be moving away in 2 years time. Buying a house will probably take 6 months minimum. After 6 months you will have been together for a year, and you will be leaving in 1 year's time. That would be a much better time to assess things (if you're still together by then). So yes, I think you're being premature letting this worry you. When I met my partner I owned a house, and she was going to be moving away for work in 6 months time. We're together in a joint home now. Buying a house is not such a permanent tie as you think. If you're still together in 2 years then he might move to be with you, or you might reconsider moving. There's no way to see the future... 3
Gaeta Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 I agree with those saying you are ahead of yourself here. Anything can happen in the next 2 years. Just date and cross that bridge when you get there. Houses are sold and bought every day. It's also much easier to buy a house when you already own one. 2
GunslingerRoland Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 On the one hand I wouldn't recommend anyone to buy a house who had a good chance of moving in 2 years. A little swing in real estate prices could lead to the loss of a lot of money, and even the realtor fees could make a significant cost difference between what he'll buy and sell at. But at the same time, 2 years is a long time away for a couple that have only been together 6 months. So many things can change in that time period. Lots of people plan to move somewhere else for work and never do end up moving.
preraph Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 It IS too soon to be making marriage plans or living together. However, you do need to remind him you'll be leaving in 1.5 years and ask him if he was considering that when he started thinking about buying a house here. My guess is he thinks this may MAKE you stay here, so you need to tell him your plans have not changed.
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