Pacifism after being rudely rejected?

[Roller1512]

I've been thinking a lot about the axioms of "turning the other cheek" and "taking the higher ground". Why? If the relationship is unimportant and the other individual initiated the unprovoked verbal attack how does the reply, "That's not nice. You hurt my feelings" preserve one's self worth? Bullies don't respond to that, they smell weakness and they push harder.

 

If we take the parable to an adult situation such as, after having a first date the other individual texts you and abruptly and without provocation replies with, "You're not pretty/handsome/physically attractive enough to date", why do the polite and civil thing and say, "That makes me sad, but thank you for your honesty" and then proceed to pull the covers over your head, cry and then stay off dating for the next year? Or is it better to rebuff the insult by throwing it back at them, levy honesty against so called honesty, and point out their crooked lower teeth and bad skin? (If you haven't guessed by now, I'm speaking from my own experience). Is the best recourse, to cut them down to size in the most cunning/non vulgar way possible?

 

Our society teaches us to ignore insult, but aren't insults and criticisms difficult to forget and cope with sometimes? Thus, is pacifism truly the best recourse against those who unapologetically initiate an insult? If anything, isn't it better to get mad, attack the attacker (verbally of course) rather than slinking away and crying into a carton of ice cream?

[Miss Spider]

It's not about turning the other cheek. It's about not being an ******* just because someone else is.

[Roller1512]

It's not about turning the other cheek. It's about not being an ******* just because someone else is.

 

But why be courteous and understanding to an a-hole? They win and their behavior continues...

[greymatter]

But why be courteous and understanding to an a-hole? They win and their behavior continues...

 

If someone said something that provoking, I personally would feel like they were looking for a big reaction, and I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

[Miss Spider]

But why be courteous and understanding to an a-hole? They win and their behavior continues...

 

Imo you should have a standard behavior you set for yourself independent of how others behave toward you. If this person rejected you with an insult, you should be glad such a person is out of your life.

 

The moment their opinion of you affects you they've already "won". And lashing back insults at them just makes it more clear to them they have and makes you into a jerk like them.

 

That's different than confronting continual harassment.

Edited May 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Roller1512]

If someone said something that provoking, I personally would feel like they were looking for a big reaction, and I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

 

You may be right. And I thought about that... The replies from the person I had after words were rather condescending. After I had attempted to stand up for myself and said "Well, I've had some people who I think are attractive, tell me they like me and think I'm attractive. So, perhaps to each their own...". They replied snarkily, "ya, but can I read their yelp reviews tho?".

 

It was almost like they enjoyed shooting me down...

[Miss Spider]

You may be right. And I thought about that... The replies from the person I had after words were rather condescending. After I had attempted to stand up for myself and said "Well, I've had some people who I think are attractive, tell me they like me and think I'm attractive. So, perhaps to each their own...". They replied snarkily, "ya, but can I read their yelp reviews tho?".

 

It was almost like they enjoyed shooting me down...

 

Don't let it get that far next time! You know know you are attractive to people. So just block them and let them begone.

[Roller1512]

Imo you should have a standard behavior you set for yourself independent of how others behave toward you. If this person rejected you with an insult, you should be glad such a person is out of your life.

 

The moment their opinion of you affects you they've already "won". And lashing back insults at them just makes it more clear to them they have and makes you into a jerk like them.

 

That's different than confronting continual harassment.

 

I know, I know... and I think you're right. Normally, my reply to this person would have been "oh ok, thank you anyway" and then I would have cried into my pillow... but tbh, I lashed out a bit and returned the insult. I have mixed feelings about it. I gave them room to apologize, but they kept digging. And so I said a lot of things, "cut then down to size". And to be honest, I feel more confidant than I've been in awhile. Is that wrong?? :/

[Roller1512]

Don't let it get that far next time! You know know you are attractive to people. So just block them and let them begone.

 

Again, you're right... I just need to remember there are people out their that I admire that like me and think I'm attractive. They matter, this guy doesn't. Who even knows why he said what he said...

 

Thanks for your advice. It really helped

[Titanll]

Why not just laugh it off giving it the importance of swatting a fly... and then go have some ben and jerrys? I like chunky monkey.

[Miss Spider]

I think it's bad because you form a habit of gaining confidence confronting aggression with aggression, instead of the confronting the root of the problem -insecurity. I have done the same in the past, and even when I dealt what I thought was the biggest blow, I still knew deep down I lost. I also felt guilty because I don't like hurting people and I degraded myself to a insult throwing, **** measuring contest

[GemmaUK]

I can't think why you would even reply with anything at all to a comment like that.

 

I wouldn't use up any energy aside from deleting it an blocking the sender.

 

They want a reaction, don't give them any reaction.

[joseb]

I'd like to know exactly what the guy said and how it came about.

[Vareg]

after having a first date the other individual texts you and abruptly and without provocation replies with, "You're not pretty/handsome/physically attractive enough to date", why do the polite and civil thing and say, "That makes me sad, but thank you for your honesty"

 

Why do you even loose time writing about it? You're way to nice and considerate, should I say romantic, for dating such a person. Find someone that's caring enough, someone that's not rude and if you can't then start working on that maybe something inside of you wants to have you whipped and humiliated...

[elaine567]

If someone is going to say "You're not pretty/handsome/physically attractive enough to date", then I do not think that warrants a reply at all.

 

It's rude and it shows the type of person you are dealing with.

If you are rude back then they may retort with something that is even more hurtful to you.

Better to ignore all together than give them the satisfaction of knowing that they hurt you.

[Redhead14]

It's about not stooping to their level and being the better person . . . yes, it may be hurtful to you, but trust me, a person who behaves like that is struggling with hurt of their own and so they lash out at others to somehow make up for their own shortcomings and try to have power over someone else.

 

Just realize who you're dealing with and that they don't deserve that power over you.

[act00]

For someone to be that nasty to anyone, and especially someone they barely know, you dodged a bullet. How bad would they be if they knew you? This is the "brutally honest" people talk about sometimes. What's wrong with simply stating, "Thank you for a nice evening. Unfortunately I didn't feel a connection. Good luck on future dating." Hurts? Yes. Cruel? No. Is it necessary for them to make sure they don't think you're pretty? No, it's not.

 

For someone to say something like that, they were either provoking a reaction and are cruel, or they're just socially stunted. Either way, it doesn't warrant a response. I might be inclined to say, "How cruel," (would not say thank you) but if the former, they just got what they wanted. A reaction.

 

Lobbing insults back at someone isn't going work. Especially in longer relationships. Words cut deep and last longer. It's hard to get over mean and cruel things said. In a long-term relationship, you would discuss how saying things like that is hurtful and how to gently approach issues that might cause hurt to another, but you wouldn't lob back at him something about his personal appearance.

 

After one date? It seriously isn't worth the time. You could gauge when you might want have further discussion or if it's worth doing, but again, lobbing insults isn't the way to approach it.