fred123 Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 is this behaviour appropriate? what would you do? your girlfriend works in a verylads dominated environment ( sports coaching) and she is close to her boss ( who's is married with a teenager kid, her boss is like 35). She is 27, my age. she is close to her boss and has been for a few years. She confides in him about things and he has been there for her. she says he is like her work husband and the number one guy in her life who has been there for her and seen her through her worst times etc. one day she messaged me saying her boss smacked her bum and made a comment about how it was looking better ( she goes gym a lot). she didnt think anything was wrong with that. i didnt mention that i thought it was inappropriate. i just laughed it off. But surely that is totally inappropriate. i can understand if she was single but she had a boyfriend (me!) and he or her work mates doesn't even know about me. shouldn't she have said something to her boss that she has a bf and that behaviour is inappropriate??
VeveCakes Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 Is innapropriate for work that's for sure! It's called sexual harassment. 3
Titanll Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 How long have you been together? If it's only been a couple of weeks, maybe nothing to worry about. If you have been together a few months, it should have come up by now that she has a boyfriend. But here's the deal: For me, all I would have had to hear is this story and her arse would have been gone the second the words left her lips. You're here asking because you tolerated something that grinds your gears and rightfully so. You don't think it's appropriate, you just want to hear someone say it's fine. It's not fine. Unless you want a relationship like this, address what you think is wrong. 1
Author fred123 Posted May 10, 2017 Author Posted May 10, 2017 well we were going out 6 months ( one month official bf and gf) this happened when we were official so by then had been dating her 5 months or so 1
TaxMan Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 Totally inappropriate whether she's in a relationship or married, or he is, nor not. You don't do or say those kinds of things to anyone in a work environment, it's harassment at the least and borderline sexual assault to touch someone's behind.
preraph Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 Since this was not harassment to her and she thinks so highly of the guy, I wouldn't make a big deal about it unless you start thinking she and him are having an affair, but to me, it does not sound like it. This is a friendship that happens when people work together for a long time. I've had lots of friendships with guy friends at work that were nonetheless no threat to my personal life and nothing sexual going on. My way of thinking is that she was all into him and they were having an affair or wanting to, she wouldn't even be trying to have a boyfriend because she'd be focused on him. I mean, if that's who she's into, why does she need you? She doesn't. They are just friends. I used to have a guy at work who would bounce a basketball off my butt.
Shanex Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 If not sexual harassment, very freaking innapropriate at work anyway. You don't touch or grab ladies butts unless you are the current POTUS. 2
BaileyB Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 In my workplace, it would be considered sexual harassment. We have rules about that sort of thing... 1
Author fred123 Posted May 10, 2017 Author Posted May 10, 2017 So its ok if she was single? I mean sh3 clearly didnt see it as harrassment
Titanll Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 In my workplace, it would be considered sexual harassment. We have rules about that sort of thing... Let's not get derailed about whether or not it's sexual harassment. At five months into a relationship, everyone that I know would know that I am in a relationship. That's one issue. The next is the fact that this event that she told you about bothered you and you said nothing of the sort. You essentially laughed it off, right? Why? Tell her that it's not cool for dudes to slap her butt. Third, I would let her know that I'm not her girlfriend and I don't want to hear about her little fun events at work. Get all alpha on her and set some rules going forward.
GemmaUK Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 Sounds like banter to me - it goes both ways - my boss will take the mick outta me - I get my own back - it can be complimentary or not to degrees either side - depends on how it rolls. It's fun - nothing else intended. If she is awkward about this and is not 'in banter mode' with him then - it's harassment. Has she expressed worry/concern/anxiety over this? 1
d0nnivain Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 Butt slapping in a locker room / sports environment is a thing. It has been for all eternity. If your GF wasn't upset by this, you need to either accept that she saw it as meaningless or you need to think about whether you trust her. I'm not saying you have to. Some people think any touching or calling somebody your "work spouse" shows disrespect for a romantic partner. Personally I think this was all in good fun & it was just banter. The more you fuss, the faster she will run away from you. If you dare do something as ill-advised as try to stick up for by speaking to her boss, she will dump you immediately for interfering in her work relationship. Let her handle it. My advice -- ignore it. If you can't ignore it, get a new GF. 3
smackie9 Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 She's just like one of the guys.......I'm sure he does this to the other lads. It probably never crossed his mind it being sexual. Probably bust her balls about things too...part of coworker bonding. The things we say to each other at my work would raise an eyebrow to an outsider, but for us it's business as usual. Shoving, play fighting, anything goes. It's like junior high. 2
Author fred123 Posted May 10, 2017 Author Posted May 10, 2017 I get that. But like i said hefore her workmates dont know about me
d0nnivain Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 But like i said hefore her workmates dont know about me Your existence isn't relevant to this boss's behavior. You could have been standing next to her / you could be her husband. He still would have smacked her butt because it's the culture of their industry. If SHE is bothered by it, it's up to her to tell him to cut it out. It's not your place to interfere in how she conducts her professional life. If she's scared to report him, then you can be encouraging & help her get her facts together to report him to HR. But if she is OK with it, you either need to accept that or get a new GF. You don't have any other choices. As the BF you can't change corporate culture. 4
Imajerk17 Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 I think the issue of whether or not it is sexual harassment is besides the point though. I just don't want other guys smacking my girlfriend's bum. So yes indeed, quite inappropriate. The ironic thing is that if you were to tell your girlfriend you don't want other guys smacking her on the bum she might tell you that you are being overly possessive, but deep down she likely will respect you for respecting yourself and setting boundaries. The worst thing you can do is to try to play off that you are cool with it when in fact you are not (and quite reasonably so).
smackie9 Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 I get that. But like i said hefore her workmates dont know about me It wouldn't have mattered if they did know about you....Been with my guy for over 27 years and everyone know about him....it doesn't change the way they treat me or act around me....a lot of us are married, it make no difference. 1
Author fred123 Posted May 11, 2017 Author Posted May 11, 2017 So it is appropriate? I should be ok with my girlfri3nds bum being smacked on because the culture she is in allows it?
GemmaUK Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 So it is appropriate? I should be ok with my girlfri3nds bum being smacked on because the culture she is in allows it? Yes it's appropriate 'inappropriate banter'. Appropriate because they are friends within the workplace. It's not at all sinister. This kind of thing goes on day in day out in workplaces and it's all good clean fun. If you kick up a fuss about this you will come over as controlling, needy, insecure and lacking a sense of humour. However, I don't think it's the comment or action that is getting to you, I think it's the friendship they have which is your issue - this is just a reason for which you can kick up a hissy fit and somehow control this friendship to a level of your liking.
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 So it is appropriate? I should be ok with my girlfri3nds bum being smacked on because the culture she is in allows it? No you don't have to be OK with it. You can break up with her because you disagree about the appropriateness of this. What you can't do is change her work culture. 1
Author fred123 Posted May 11, 2017 Author Posted May 11, 2017 Your existence isn't relevant to this boss's behavior. You could have been standing next to her / you could be her husband. He still would have smacked her butt because it's the culture of their industry. If SHE is bothered by it, it's up to her to tell him to cut it out. It's not your place to interfere in how she conducts her professional life. If she's scared to report him, then you can be encouraging & help her get her facts together to report him to HR. But if she is OK with it, you either need to accept that or get a new GF. You don't have any other choices. As the BF you can't change corporate culture. I hqve to say i disagree with this. If im standing next to my girlfri3nd and her boss slaps her butt in front of me that is totally disrespectful 2
d0nnivain Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 I hqve to say i disagree with this. If im standing next to my girlfri3nd and her boss slaps her butt in front of me that is totally disrespectful I didn't say it wasn't disrespectful. I said it was incumbent upon HER to say something not you.
Author fred123 Posted May 11, 2017 Author Posted May 11, 2017 I didn't say it wasn't disrespectful. I said it was incumbent upon HER to say something not you. And if she didnt say anything if that situation happened what would you do donnivain?
CptInsano Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 I think the OP is still confuses two aspects: a) Whether this behavior is appropriate in the workplace. No, it's not, but inappropriate behavior occurs all the time, and it doesn't have any consequences, as long as nobody is offended. This is your girlfriend's issue alone. b) The second question is whether it is okay in a relationship to have another man touch your girlfriend's butt. That is between the girlfriend and the OP, but unless the OP is willing to confront his girlfriend about this, all his talk is entirely pointless.
preraph Posted May 11, 2017 Posted May 11, 2017 If he did it in front of you, like with you standing right there, he's still just treating her like a buddy or whatever, but it's still up to her if she wants to tell him to not do that. You can't clock her boss. Thing is, he isn't going to do it in front of you, so don't worry about it. Stop thinking about hypotheticals. She has a "one of the boys" relationship with her workmates. I've been there many times and some of the things they will say and do around me would make your hair curl, but it's nothing romantic. It's a sign they see her as one of the guys, that's all.
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