Jaime03 Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Is it true when you are broken up with someone and as long as you have been broken up he has always known he still has you and then when you start moving on and not contacting him or anything anymore he will start pursuing you again because he kind of realizes that he misses you and stuff like that? Is that how it works? I am bad at this. You cant seem available? Act like you dont care? Even if you do...I would love some input on this....Other situations close to it too would be great. Thanks
snailz Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 hi jaime I was just thinking about this the other day, when me and my ex broke up i did exactly what you are talking about, flirted around with other lad's, made him jealous and he came running back. which was fine until the same issues came up and we stopped seeing each other again. i started to miss him and tried dating other ppl, partly to see if i could actually move on with someone new and partly to make him want me more again, however the second time round it doesn't seem to be working. its like people say- absence makes the heart grow fonder- true but what about the saying- out of sight out of mind. Its something I've been pondering over for the past week, so id be interested to see how other people look at it.
lindya Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Jaime03 Is it true when you are broken up with someone and as long as you have been broken up he has always known he still has you and then when you start moving on and not contacting him or anything anymore he will start pursuing you again Some cats like having several homes, and will mark each one as their "territory"... popping back every so often to get fed and ensure that the catflap isn't boarded up. They also invariably clamber onto your lap when you least want them to. Cats are fabulous enough to be permitted such liberties. Humans aren't. In short - yes, he probably will start pursuing you again...until the problems that made you split up before start rearing their heads again. No problems that led to the break up - just circumstances? If so, think again, because sometimes people create circumstances in order to hide the problems. I know it sounds negative, but far too many people find themselves endlessly trapped in the sort of situation you're talking about.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 It would depend on the breakup. If a dumper breaks up with someone, and by the time they finally did they had absolutely no emotional investment left at all for the dumpee then no, 'no contact' won't do anything but give them a welcome break from the person they just dumped. But... if the dumper has some emotional investment left - they may come back if they don't find anyone else who fills the void like their ex did. Sometimes they just come back because it is familiar, and sex is pretty much guaranteed. Other times they come back because they really do miss the person they dumped. It all depends on the breakup, and what led to it.
sanne Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 personally, i can say that NC does indeed make your ex seem to want you back more. however, in my case, it was all a game really. she probably just wanted to see if she still had control, and I still regret giving in so easily.
Author Jaime03 Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 I think control is really what it is usually about. I think the "evil ex's" just want to see if they can get you back. If they get the response they want out of you then usually they go back to the way the were. I know one thing my ex now has dont this NC for a while and he started to pursue me a little...I am sure it is about to happen again soon since he wants me to come over tonight and he thinks I probably will but I am not and honestly because I do not want to...I want to move on and I would actually like it if he doesnt call. I am sure though he will be shocked and stuff and since he is sooo stubborn probably play it cool for a little while but eventually some how contact me. It is really odd for some reason even though nothing has happened yet I feel I might start to be in control for te 1st time. If feels so liberating. He has always had the upper hand in everything. I think me just not showing up tonight will make him see he isnt that great of a thing to me. I am ready to take control of the a** and kick him to the curb for good. Woo that made me feel better...=)
country gal Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 love the cat analogy lindya! i think between you and lucrezia, you have it nailed. there are a few (and i mean a few) that come back for good reason, but most are just cats!
queenie01 Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 How long has each of you done NC before they started coming around again?
lindya Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by country gal there are a few (and i mean a few) that come back for good reason, but most are just cats! You certainly can learn a lot about humans by watching animals Re length of NC...as long as it took for news of a new admirer to filter its way back along the grapevine, Queenie.
Author Jaime03 Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Im my experience it doesnt take long. It also depends on you. Have you done NC before and if so say it was only a week then if a week goes by and he doesnt hear from you then he probably wont worry but if it goes on then he will be like...wait a sec she isnt calling or contacting...With my guy I will have to do NC for a while before he comes around...It is just natural for girls and guys to make your ex's want you again...People think by sending them stuff and telling them you love them works...I used to think that but it doesnt. As much as it sucks most of the time you have to play it off like you just do not care and that you can live w/o them...When you make them feel wanted and make them think they have you they will go about their lives having a big ego and everything but when you change that and let them know you can live w/o them in most cases it really bothers them.
country gal Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 in my NC experiences, i had one come back after 2 months, another after a year and half (and that same one again after another 2 years - he's persistant), and one after 8 months or so. i have yet to take any of them back, but the persistant one has certainly gotten me confused as to his motives. cat or no cat? hmm? on another note, there was one that i really hoped would come back (not just a "i hope you miss me someday" feeling but a real hope taht he would) and he never did, which turned out good in the long run.
Author Jaime03 Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 I just do not understand why relationships have to be like that. I do not understand why we have to play games. We are all guilty of it...Is it just me or do guys do it more often than girls? I think guys like control. It has been 9 months since me and my ex split to this day he has always known he can have me...untill now=). I am curious to see what comes of it. I do not know about yall but I will really like it if he does start to want me back because I have always been the one. I really believe in the saying what goes around, comes around...it has always been the truth for me.
country gal Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 i do think what comes around goes around... i've watched karma come and bite people in the a** for things they've done and i cant say i've felt bad for them. on the other hand, i dont think relationships "need" to be this way with games and all, particularly concerning control. i think if games need to be played to keep or get a person, then they arent the right person. there is always going to be some sort of balance of power, so its best to find yourself in a relationship where control is equal... its when the balance is off with one person having too much/too little control that games enter in and relationships crumble. thats just what i've seen - and been through.
Author Jaime03 Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 I agree with you totally country gal!
smile95 Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 if they are the one or we are meant to be....they will come back on their own...if not, they were not it.
lostinmymind Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Jaime03 We are all guilty of it...Is it just me or do guys do it more often than girls? I think guys like control. Guys/girls play games equally. I'd like to think girls play more games, but I'm a guy. It's just an instance of trying to place the blame as far from us as possible.
Author Jaime03 Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 I think girls are just as guilty of games and all that stuff as guys are...But in my situation I am refering to "the guy".
cosis Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by Jaime03 When you make them feel wanted and make them think they have you they will go about their lives having a big ego and everything but when you change that and let them know you can live w/o them in most cases it really bothers them. Great point, no contact knocks em back down to earth
Drivetildriven Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 I am going to Germany this Saturday, for a couple of weeks. My ex and I have been split up for over two months. She has made it abundantly clear that she no longer has any romantic feelings for me and is NOT in love with me anymore (which hurts more than I can describe). We talked for a short while last week and she said that I could send her a few post cards from Europe if I wanted to. I'm wondering, why did she say that? We're done, she broke up with me. Hell, she's already got a new dude. Why would I waste two cents or even one-second on a post card for her? WTF?
sanne Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 at this point I couldn't care less if NC makes my ex want me back. sure it'd be a nice ego boost, but at the end of the day I know that if I ever took her back we'd end up having the same problems. i for one am absolutely glad I have no interaction with my ex at this point, I sure as hell don't want to know if she's found someone new or is seeing someone else. i just want her the hell out of my life.
snailz Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 How long has each of you done NC before they started coming around again? The first time- about 3 weeks, this time im still waiting..... a month so far
queenie01 Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 What do you guys think constitutes “no contact” is that completely out of site out of mind concept? No email, no hello in passing etc….
country gal Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 yup, complete out of site, no phone, no email, no nada. on the rare occasion that i have to be in the same place at the same time as his, then i'm polite and give a hello but with total indifference.
queenie01 Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 Do you think because i work with my ex that has interfered with my NC? Like he has seen me at the gym, in fact he was seeing me everyday? But we dont talk? I am wondering if he gets his fix just by seeing me at the gym?etc....
country gal Posted August 2, 2005 Posted August 2, 2005 it could be. how long have you been apart? in that situation especially, nc means being indifferent to his presense, not rude just emotionless .... and convince yourself that you dont care even if you do (and eventually you won't care - unless you want to but thats another issue).
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