My boyfriend seems uncaring

[Olivia D]

Hi! I am new here and need insight of a situation I am having. It has been a rocky road with my boyfriend. He is now a recovering alcoholic. He finally got help, but there was a lot of emotional and mental abuse that went on in our relationship due to alcohol, or so I think? He had a lot of trauma in his life. His parents were very sick and demented people that tortured him and his brother, and apparently there was sexual abuse that went on as well.

 

He was very loving and compassionate 1 year into our relationship. He treated me like a queen, then the drinking got to him and he became a monster. I was naive and it was my first relationship, so I thought it was ALL the drinking. Well, he is stable on psych meds, and he is cold and distant. He said his anxiety is away with his new medication regimen, but he is very cold and I am not use to that. They say you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone recovering for the first year, but I thought I would be a good support system because I do not drink or do drugs. I am very caring and supportive. I am financially taking care of him right now so he can get on his feet.

 

I am letting him live with me for free because he lost his job due to going to rehab and the outpatient rehab classes are extensive and long so it's extra hard for him to find a job right now to fit around that schedule, but he has a decent one right one. I am being supportive, and I have anxiety disorder, so I told him to come to me when he has anxiety so I can help him through it, his urges, etc. I really wiping my slate clean with this relationship, and trying to start over, but it's pushing me back when I am doing all of these caring and thoughtful things for him, and taking care of him. There seems to be no appreciation.

 

So, fast forward now. My brother is mentally abusive and a sociopath. He is pure evil. He knows where to hit my buttons and is very insulting. He's 29 years old, and was a nightmare since I was a child, but my parents always swept his behavior under the rug. I ignore my brother due to the fact he is so insulting and abusive, and caused a lot of trauma and damage in my life with his very harsh abuse. I was trying to ignore him, but unfortunately we all live with my parents at the moment because I am trying to get my degree. My boyfriend never speaks ill of my brother. He doesn't like him, but he never talks about him and is cordial with him.

 

My brother started mouthing off to me which is what he does as usual. He was mouthing off about my boyfriend saying "He's going to relapse and he's a loser. You'll take him back every time because you are a dumb bitch." he was saying so many cruel things while my boyfriend was laying down upstairs resting, with the door open. I said "How could you be so insulting? He never hurt you or did anything to you. He is nice to you. His sobriety means a lot to him now, don't you spread your ugly negativity everywhere. You're toxic and a sociopath." He kept mouthing off calling me names and insulting my boyfriend so badly that I got in his personal space, but didn't hit him, and he twisted my thumb, to the point that it's sprained. I started crying and I was in excruciating pain. I was convinced I had a broken thumb, it was that painful.

 

My boyfriend said he doesn't want involved which I get that because he lives at my parents house with me and my pathetic brother, so he doesn't want to cause discord, but in the same breath he wasn't comforting me, and almost questioning me like if I was lying? I told him my brother set me off and started it out of nowhere as he usually does, and even my mother could vouch for that, but he I didn't like how he said "I don't know, I wasn't there." He called his grandmother who was a head nurse and asked her if she thinks it's a broken thumb, or a stubbed finger. He did that because I honestly feel like he didn't want to take me to the hospital! He said he was tired and has to get up early for work. As I am sobbing because of the emotional trauma and physical pain, he just fell asleep and didn't hug or nothing. He didn't show me any compassion what so ever!!!

 

His excuse was "It's just a stubbed finger Olivia. You're brother shouldn't have put his hands on you, but it's not that serious, just ignore him. I don't want involved." I said "You don't have to be involved, but at least comfort me, and be loving because technically I am in this situation for sticking up for YOU!" He just went to bed and woke up and asked me the next morning if I was ok, but I said "What do you think?" because I was angry he just fell asleep like whatever as I was sobbing and in pain. He said I responded rudely and he isn't going to talk to me. I said "I am angry because anytime when you feel depressed or you're in any type of despair, I hug you and comfort you, and talk to you, so that you are ok. I got you in with doctors, and therapists to help with your sobriety, I am taking care of you financially so you can be clean and have somewhere to stay and be on your feet. It's not fair if I am doing all of these loving things, but yet you can't comfort your girlfriend when she's hurt?" He just replies "I am sorry. I just don't want involved." I said "I don't want you involved, but I do want comfort and support, like what i always do for you." He said "I'm sorry. I love you." But he didn't hug me and just got out the car and went in for his job. He just said "I love you" again. But it still hurts me. He called my mother and asked if I was alright, and he kept telling her the same thing that he didn't want involved, he said "I am concerned for olivia, because she started crying, and I was calling to make sure she is ok and got home ok."

 

It's not good enough for me! I want action. I wanted a hug and a kiss, and he didn't give that to me when I said "You can't even hug me." That bothered me. Regardless of the situation, he should be comforting and supportive. He even said he doesn't like my brother and that was wrong of him, but he isn't being loving and comforting. He has Bipolar Disorder, so I don't know what to do or think. I feel very hurt because I would never act that way if that was him. I would be very loving and feel bad. Should we separate? Is he showing concern in a different way? Is it the fact he has only been sober for 2 weeks and that's the longest he's been without alcohol? Should I let this go? Is it the anti-psychotic med he's on? I need insight because I am confused and don't know what to do. I thought he would be normal and rational and loving being sober, but maybe that's just him? I have no idea.

[Redhead14]

Alcoholics are alcoholics because, most, if not all of the time, they drink to manage and squash any negative/traumatic feelings/emotions. The problem is that while they are doing it to block the negative feelings, they are also block positive emotions and are unable to feel empathy for others as well. This makes them very selfish and self-involved.

 

Recovery from alcoholism is a very long road and even longer for the partner of an alcoholic.

 

While you think you are being supportive by allowing him to have everything he needs at your own expense, what you are doing is enabling him.

 

Stop it and focus on you and your own life. You would greatly benefit from attending Al Anon meetings so that you can enable yourself to realize that he needs to do what he needs to do ON HIS OWN.

[VeveCakes]

You aren't supporting him financially if you live with your parents.

 

You need to move out and get away from your brother. Get a job, lots of people can work and go to school. That environment sounds toxic and riddled with drama. Honestly your bf is probably just sick of hearing about it.

 

Why didn't you call the police? Why didn't you go to the hospital? It's not your bf job to do those things for you. Yes he could be more comforting, but he is in an awkward place living off your family.

 

Move out and I bet your drama will be gone.

[smackie9]

A) you should have called the police and had your brother arrested for domestic violence. B), stop living under your parent's roof...they are just as abusive enabling your brother's bad behavior and not protecting the innocent. C) tho you love your BF and it is noble of you to take care of him, he needs to go live with a friend or a family member. People who in rehab should NOT be in a relationship or their recovery is slowed or jeopardized. It's time for you to go out on your own, and stop being responsible for everyone elses issues. You can't rescue everyone, you need to think of your own mental health and the importance of surviving for yourself.

[elaine567]

YOU are in your first real relationship and you are now dealing with Bipolar Disorder, alcoholism and Childhood Abuse issues. These would all challenge a fully trained psychiatrist.

You are well in above your depth and whilst he may or many not improve I do not see this working out well for you.

He needs to go and live somewhere else, you need to stop enabling him.

 

It is not uncommon for alcoholics once sober to reject their partner. The relationship was formed for them in a drunken haze and the attraction is just not there once sober.

This hell, may well all be for nothing on your part...

Speak to your parents and get rid of him out of your life, no good will come of this.

[Olivia D]

You aren't supporting him financially if you live with your parents.

 

You need to move out and get away from your brother. Get a job, lots of people can work and go to school. That environment sounds toxic and riddled with drama. Honestly your bf is probably just sick of hearing about it.

 

Why didn't you call the police? Why didn't you go to the hospital? It's not your bf job to do those things for you. Yes he could be more comforting, but he is in an awkward place living off your family.

 

Move out and I bet your drama will be gone.

 

I am supporting him financially. My parents are too. I have a job with college, but I only clean 2 houses, 2 times a week for $150, and I go to school full time. I am paying for food, gas, and everything he needs. My parents provide a roof over our heads, but I have to buy food, gas, and everything I need. Tacking on another person with low income, and school money is pretty exhausting and harsh. He has a CDL A license and is a trucker. When he was making like $800 a week, he was paying rent and paying for everything. I don't mind helping out, but I always seem to help him out, and there is no appreciation (to me it seems). I didn't call the police because sadly I am under my dad's control. He said he would take away the car he bought me, he said he would shut my cell phone bill off, he would kick me out of the house with nowhere to go, etc. My dad does provide, I only have to pay for gas and food and what not, but he pays for my cell phone, and got me a car. So, he has a lot of control over me, because my dad is an abuser as well. He knows I will have nowhere to go with little income. That's why I am trying to get my degree as fast as I can! I thought I could handle the abuse until I get it, but my household just seems to be getting worse.

[Olivia D]

Thanks everyone for the insight. <3 I am just very traumatized and upset. I didn't call the police because I have nowhere to go and my dad is an abuser and told me he would shut my phone off, and take my car back he bought me, etc. He threatened me because my brother is his fair haired child. It's a very toxic family and my mom and I get the abuse from the men. I understand my boyfriend doesn't want involved. I don't how many times I said that in the post, but I expect comfort and support. That's what couples do. When he was a drunk and picking fights with people, he picked a fight with two guys and started swinging. They beat the crap out of him, to the point he was in the hospital. I was supportive of his pain and how he felt, but I wasn't involved, nor did I want to be involved in the situation because he was wrong for doing that, but I still showed him love and compassion. I was able to separate the situation and my boyfriend. Did I think it was wrong and stupid of him? Yeah. Is he my boyfriend though and I still show him love? Yes. Doesn't mean I am involved. I am angry that my efforts aren't being reciprocated. I put a lot of my time and effort into him, I feel it's one sided, because he doesn't show me any love and compassion for what my brother did to me because he doesn't think it was severe. That's not a good excuse. I could say his depression isn't severe either but I still show him compassion when he is depressed and having bad anxiety. Anytime when your partner is in pain or any type of despair you should always be comforting. I don't like how I am and he's not. It really hurts me. I don't know if it's his sobriety? I just don't know what to do. I didn't think I was enabling him.

[BaileyB]

I haven't read your whole post because I couldn't, it's just too hard to read.

 

But, I will say that I don't really need to read it all to say that the issues of mental health, addiction, and abuse are very clear. Your relationship with your boyfriend is codependent and enabling at best - emotionally abusive at worst. And, you know that your family are controlling and abusive.

 

If you are still in school, I would suggest that you go to the student counselling centre to ask some assistance. If not that, a women shelter or counselling centre. You really need to get away from your family and your boyfriend ASAP, and start to develop a better sense of yourself and to learn how to have healthy relationship.

 

I wish you the best sweetheart, this isn't it.

Edited May 9, 2017 by BaileyB

[Redhead14]

Thanks everyone for the insight. <3 I am just very traumatized and upset. I didn't call the police because I have nowhere to go and my dad is an abuser and told me he would shut my phone off, and take my car back he bought me, etc. He threatened me because my brother is his fair haired child. It's a very toxic family and my mom and I get the abuse from the men. I understand my boyfriend doesn't want involved. I don't how many times I said that in the post, but I expect comfort and support. That's what couples do. When he was a drunk and picking fights with people, he picked a fight with two guys and started swinging. They beat the crap out of him, to the point he was in the hospital. I was supportive of his pain and how he felt, but I wasn't involved, nor did I want to be involved in the situation because he was wrong for doing that, but I still showed him love and compassion. I was able to separate the situation and my boyfriend. Did I think it was wrong and stupid of him? Yeah. Is he my boyfriend though and I still show him love? Yes. Doesn't mean I am involved. I am angry that my efforts aren't being reciprocated. I put a lot of my time and effort into him, I feel it's one sided, because he doesn't show me any love and compassion for what my brother did to me because he doesn't think it was severe. That's not a good excuse. I could say his depression isn't severe either but I still show him compassion when he is depressed and having bad anxiety. Anytime when your partner is in pain or any type of despair you should always be comforting. I don't like how I am and he's not. It really hurts me. I don't know if it's his sobriety? I just don't know what to do. I didn't think I was enabling him.

 

but I expect comfort and support. -- You could/should expect support from a GOOD partner who is capable of doing that. This guy isn't. It feels one-sided because it IS one-sided.

 

Anytime when your partner is in pain or any type of despair you should always be comforting. -- Not at your own expense . . .

 

I don't know if it's his sobriety? -- It is his "sobriety" but the real problem is that he has not recovered sufficiently enough to be past all the initial emotional and physical adjustments necessary.

 

I didn't think I was enabling him -- Anytime you support and/or tolerate or otherwise accept bad behavior from an alcoholic, recovering or not, you are enabling them.

 

I am angry that my efforts aren't being reciprocated -- You are angry because you want him to be more and give more than he is able. You cannot fix him or make him into the man you want him to be.

 

he picked a fight with two guys -- I was supportive of his pain and how he felt

 

YOU SUPPORTED HIS BAD BEHAVIOR AS WELL . . . YOU WERE "THERE FOR HIM" AND CODDLED HIM EVEN THOUGH HE WAS A DRUNK IDIOT.

 

You have taken on a project and you do not have the skill set required to help him effectively. And, he has to want to help himself and not be content with being a parasite. You are trying to make a man out of a shell of a person. Frankenstein built a man out of body parts. Yeah, he got it to walk around and it kinda looked like a man, but it wasn't pretty and it didn't know how to behave in the world.

[No_Go]

Olivia please do yourself a favor and get out of the situation. Dump the BF and leave your parents home, even if you need to leave in a closet for an year. I'm dead serious, I've done it myself.

 

My dad was an older version of your bf - alcoholic, abused, abusive etc. I also come from a country where domestic abuse is not considered a big deal, I had nobody to complain to. I had no life while living in his house - I was in fear etc. I had an advantage though: I was good at school. I finished college and left... for another degree abroad. My family was happy I'm going for my dreams, I was happy to finally have life in a normal atmosphere. I didn't have much financially back then, basically about nothing, left with one big suitcase and had a modest fellowship from the university. I never returned. 10 years later I have my life together - well-paid job, multiple degrees that give me many options, just bought my own house. If there is a desire - there are ways.

 

In the meanwhile - I had a 'relapse' with involving with an alcoholic abusive person: this time it was a boyfriend. I was like you - enabling him and supporting him financially. He sucked me dry in the time we were together, was never supportive, was emotionally abusive etc. He 'pretended' to get sober a few times - it was not even a real effort. He was sick. I gained courage and left. It was a few years ago - some of the traumas are still there but at least I had my lesson learned.

 

I'm sharing all this to tell you - leave. Do it for yourself. Nobody deserves a bad family and a terrible boyfriend. It will hurt, you'd be lonely and broke initially but you'll see light sooner than later.

 

P.S. I completely understand it is easier said than done. But I'll repeat myself - gain courage and remove yourself from this toxic situation.

[kendahke]

I am supporting him financially. My parents are too.

 

and none of you should be doing this. Period. Full stop. He's a grown man, not an 8 yr old.

 

I didn't call the police because sadly I am under my dad's control. He said he would take away the car he bought me, he said he would shut my cell phone bill off, he would kick me out of the house with nowhere to go, etc.My dad does provide, I only have to pay for gas and food and what not, but he pays for my cell phone, and got me a car. So, he has a lot of control over me, because my dad is an abuser as well. He knows I will have nowhere to go with little income. That's why I am trying to get my degree as fast as I can! I thought I could handle the abuse until I get it, but my household just seems to be getting worse.

 

Then it's time to prioritize for your own physical and emotional safety. That means school needs to be put on the back burner and you find a better paying job so that you aren't under the control of your father or the abuse of your brother.

 

Women do it all the time, even those with children. Stop expecting everyone around you to magically change into people they have no interest or intention on being while you do nothing. That's unrealistic and it's not going to happen.

 

In the meantime, it's time to tell your boyfriend that it's time for him to start looking someplace else to live.

[smackie9]

I agree....focus on getting a better job, and find a roommate to share accommodations...go to night school to get your degree.

[VeveCakes]

There are a million places to go. Your parents pay for everything but gas and food, that is them supporting you both.

 

Get a job and work more hrs. Get bf to get a job too. Time to leave the best. Lots of programs out there to help those in your situation. Who cares about he car and cell phone when you are being abused.

[smackie9]

You can live without the fancy iphone and buy one of those throw away phones. You can cut your expenses, get a bus pass, live with a friend or a different family member, find someone looking for a roommate or rent a room off some elderly couple, etc. And make an appointment with your school counselor...that's what they are there for, to help you, not just about school but personal issues as well....and it's free. If it gets real bad stay a women's shelter, they too can help you find accommodations, a job, counseling etc. Domestic violence is domestic violence...doesn't matter who's doing it and you most certainly need help. Stop making excuses and take action now.