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When to make things official?

scv88

By scv88
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scv88 Member

scv88

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I've been talking to a guy I met on Match for about a month - 25 days. When we first started talking, he was out of town so we texted for the first week. When he got back in town we went on three dates the first week! Work has become crazy for both of us (teachers, end of the year) but things are still going well and we have been on 8 dates now and they have all went good! We talk every morning and every evening. I have definitely developed feelings for him can see myself dating him seriously.

 

I haven't had a real, serious, adult relationship and I don't want to rush anything, but I'd also like to be dating him exclusively. When is an appropriate time to bring this topic up? Is one month of constant communication and several dates enough to make it official? I know it's different for everyone, but I guess some "been there, done that" advice would be nice.

Simple Logic Established Member

Simple Logic

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I've been talking to a guy I met on Match for about a month - 25 days. When we first started talking, he was out of town so we texted for the first week. When he got back in town we went on three dates the first week! Work has become crazy for both of us (teachers, end of the year) but things are still going well and we have been on 8 dates now and they have all went good! We talk every morning and every evening. I have definitely developed feelings for him can see myself dating him seriously.

 

I haven't had a real, serious, adult relationship and I don't want to rush anything, but I'd also like to be dating him exclusively. When is an appropriate time to bring this topic up? Is one month of constant communication and several dates enough to make it official? I know it's different for everyone, but I guess some "been there, done that" advice would be nice.

 

Yes, given what you describe 1 month sounds reasonable. You could give the "just so you know, I not interesting in dating other people" and see what you get back.

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scv88 Member

scv88

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Good idea. I think I'll say something along those lines, if I'm feeling brave tomorrow. I do know he hasn't been active on match for over 3 weeks. I feel like that's a good sign.

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Titanll Established Member

Titanll

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You're fine. Don't listen to the horse biscuits about waiting some imaginary amount of time. You two are more than likely on the same page.

 

I will suggest one thing and that is to end your OLD profiles as soon as possible. Absolutely no good will come from leaving them up. If need be (hopefully not) you can always rebuild your profile but the damage that can come from misunderstandings relating to an OLD profile is just so easily avoided by deleting it.

 

Best of luck!

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bartrain New Member

bartrain

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1 month is correct. You could try to develop your relation step by step. :)

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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I'm don't want to be a mood killer but...

 

^Then don't, please!

 

Definitely take down the profile, like right now. It's good that he hasn't been logging in, but if he does he'll see that you have... even though you're only keeping track of him, that's probably not what he'll think. Don't just hide it. Delete it. Hiding only removes you from searches.

 

I had someone do that for me before, and it meant a lot. I took mine down too as soon as I saw that she had, and I told her how much I appreciated that she had done that without any prompting or discussion.

 

I wish you all the best with your new relationship. Congratulations!

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I am in favor of having an exclusivity discussion. It does not need to be heavy. I am the one who brought up exclusivity with my bf and he replied of course we're exclusive. Conversation ended there, it was that short.

 

There are too many stories on here about women (and men) assuming they are in exclusive relationships and then 5-6 months down the road are horrified to hear from their bf/gf they don't want a title yet, or are not ready for a relationship yet, or find them online again, blah blah blah.

 

Do it for your peace of mind.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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The expectation isn't forced like so many have posted on here in the past...seems things are heading in a positive direction. Best of luck.

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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I don't make it "official" Ive had the 'discussion' in the past, it's a buzz kill and it didn't change anything or tell me anything I didn't already know. It's not made, it just is, with consistency, frequency of time together, emotional intimacy, etc. When you're 'official' you just know sort of know. I think if you're questioning the commitment you aren't really at the stage yet or you have some insecurities about it due to past experiences. To me, the best rship is one without a "let's sit down and define this relationship" talk. It's one where you're hanging out one day and someone says you're a great couple and you're both like "yea, guess we are :)"

Edited by Cookiesandough
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fred123 Established Member

fred123

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I don't make it "official" Ive had the 'discussion' in the past, it's a buzz kill and it didn't change anything or tell me anything I didn't already know. It's not made, it just is, with consistency, frequency of time together, emotional intimacy, etc. When you're 'official' you just know sort of know. I think if you're questioning the commitment you aren't really at the stage yet or you have some insecurities about it due to past experiences. To me, the best rship is one without a "let's sit down and define this relationship" talk. It's one where you're hanging out one day and someone says you're a great couple and you're both like "yea, guess we are :)"

 

What about what gaeta said?

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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What about what gaeta said?

 

That works for some people too. Different people, different strategies! :)

fred123 Established Member

fred123

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That works for some people too. Different people, different strategies! :)

 

You willing to take that risk well after 5 mo ths your assumption is completely wrong??

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anduina Established Member

anduina

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I am in favor of having an exclusivity discussion. It does not need to be heavy. I am the one who brought up exclusivity with my bf and he replied of course we're exclusive. Conversation ended there, it was that short.

 

There are too many stories on here about women (and men) assuming they are in exclusive relationships and then 5-6 months down the road are horrified to hear from their bf/gf they don't want a title yet, or are not ready for a relationship yet, or find them online again, blah blah blah.

 

Do it for your peace of mind.

I need to have this discussion too since assumptions can get you hurt and badly. Once you're officially exclusive, it's a good time to see how long it takes for them to shut down their profile. I don't trust anyone who leaves their profile open and continues to sign on after we're official.
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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You willing to take that risk well after 5 mo ths your assumption is completely wrong??

 

Yeah, I'm willing to take the risk. All dating is a risk. Just because someone agrees to date only you after you ask them or takes a profile down, that is no guarantee, I don't date for a label. I date to enjoy my time with a person. If I have to guess about a person's level of commitment to me, then we aren't really that close yet. When I date someone, I can tell their level of commitment to me from other ways than asking them what stage we are at. There are other cues. When someone is into you and a long term relationship, they naturally stop seeing others, you spend most of your time together, meet family and friends, say I love you etc. You just become a couple. Their values, what kind of relationship they want, long term goal, this all comes out in the process, and generally, if a LTR is what they seek it comes out way sooner than 5 mo. That has been how my healthiest, most enjoyable relationship blossomed when I didn't need that clarity. The ones where I took stock and inventory that things were moving along as necessary were ones where I had insecurities.

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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My former girlfriend (bless her cold, cold heart) took her profile down quickly and I followed suite immediately. We were thick as thieves for more than a year and neither of us seemed the least bit worried about the other's fidelity.

 

Then one day the subject of exclusivity talks came up somehow, and she said, we never had that talk did we? I said nope, we didn't. And she asked if I considered us to be exclusive. I said I thought we'd had that understanding from the beginning, don't you think? She agreed, we had a good laugh and headed to the bedroom for some mid-day consummation of our newly declared exclusivity.

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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We talk every morning and every evening. I have definitely developed feelings for him can see myself dating him seriously.

so, basically, you've known this guy for three weeks and you're already naming the kids??

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salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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so, basically, you've known this guy for three weeks and you're already naming the kids??

 

Ah, c'mon, give her a break. it's a legitimate question, and she's admittedly inexperienced.

 

I haven't had a real, serious, adult relationship and I don't want to rush anything, but I'd also like to be dating him exclusively. When is an appropriate time to bring this topic up?

 

I don't think there is a defined timeframe. No official guideline. But it is a good question.

 

For me, multi-dating is pretty much off the table. I just don't feel right doing it, and I'm not interested in dating any women who are dating others at the same time. Fortunately, all of the people I've relationships with (except one) felt the same and we became exclusive from the first date, although no early declarations, just understanding. When the conversation has happened it's usually between one and two months.

 

You haven't said if you've been sleeping with this guy already, but sex is a a good reason to bring it up. Nobody in their right mind wants to be mixing microbes with random, unknown others! Yea, I know, I know. So if you're already sleeping together, or are about to sleep together, then now is a good time. If you bring it up in the context of sexual health, it doesn't have to sound like you're pushing the relationship forward. Exclusivity and commitment aren't exactly synonymous.

 

If you're both enthusiastic, I'm sure he'll be happy to hear you're thinking this way. I know I always am.

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scv88 Member

scv88

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so, basically, you've known this guy for three weeks and you're already naming the kids??

 

:rolleyes: No, I just added that to show how involved we both are in getting to know each other. He's the only person I've been really excited about getting to know in a long time. That's why I said I could actually see myself dating him.

 

 

I brought it up as suggested and said "I'm not trying to push things along too quickly, but I do want you to know that I'm not seeing or interesting in seeing anyone else at the moment. I know the lines can be blurred, especially when you meet online so I wanted to make sure I expressed that to you"

 

He responded by saying "Absolutely, me either. Getting to know multiple people on a serious level at the same time is hard for me too. You're the only one I'm talking to and taking on dates and I'm really enjoying how things are going."

 

I'm happy with that answer, we are on the same page and that is reassuring. I know it's early on in the relationship, but I feel good about it.

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Titanll Established Member

Titanll

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:rolleyes: No, I just added that to show how involved we both are in getting to know each other. He's the only person I've been really excited about getting to know in a long time. That's why I said I could actually see myself dating him.

 

 

I brought it up as suggested and said "I'm not trying to push things along too quickly, but I do want you to know that I'm not seeing or interesting in seeing anyone else at the moment. I know the lines can be blurred, especially when you meet online so I wanted to make sure I expressed that to you"

 

He responded by saying "Absolutely, me either. Getting to know multiple people on a serious level at the same time is hard for me too. You're the only one I'm talking to and taking on dates and I'm really enjoying how things are going."

 

I'm happy with that answer, we are on the same page and that is reassuring. I know it's early on in the relationship, but I feel good about it.

 

Told ya...have fun!

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