Monica3 Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Hi everyone, I am 45 yrs old and after 20+ yrs of marriage I am single again, for about a year now. I know there are a lot of guys out there who will play the game, with one thing in mind, to hook up with a divorced woman. I have come accross some of those men. However, I have met a guy online, which is something I always said I would never do. I always thought it was crazy and desperate, but here I am. Never say never I guess. Anyway, things are so much different now and Im not sure what to expect in some areas. I have been through a lot and hurt deeply so it is very hard for me to trust now. Here is my situation. I have been talking to this guy, calls, texts, video chats...for about 5 months. We have never met because we live hundreds of miles apart and neither of us has the means at the moment. We talk every day. Text first thing in the morning, text and/or call throughout the day, talk until we fall asleep at night. We even say I love you. He understands that I am very conservative and what most people would call "religious". (I personally dont care for that term, but you get the point). He has been very respectful and says nothing inappropriate. Lately he has started to talk a little about sex. Still nothing inappropriate or disrespectful. Im getting the idea that he is expecting to have sex soon as we meet. I have told him previously that I wont jump into it and he said he was ok with it but this is the impression im getting now. Like I said before, I struggle with trust now and I catch myself wondering if this guy is playing games with me to get what he wants when we do meet. Maybe I am being childish or something. ..I dont even know what word to use. I guess what I want to know is, what should I expect as far as dating these days? I grew up when it wasnt talked about and wasnt considered a date like it is now. What are the chances this guy is really sincere and really cares about me or that he is just having fun? I hope all this makes sense. Thanks for reading and any advice ia appreciated
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Sadly I think these chats, video conferences etc. give people a false sense of intimacy. IMO you don't really know the other person until you meet. That said he's acting like you have been "dating" for 5 months which in the real world would be a sufficient amount of time for two middle aged people to determine if they want physical intimacy; unfortunately despite all the electronic communication the 1st time you meet is really date one & therefore most likely too early to tell. But I think you are right that he's going to expect sex out of the gate because of al the time you have spent over various computers. Especially since you are saying I love you, I don't think he's playing games, not in the sense that he's intentionally misleading you or only after "1 thing". There are much easier ways to get NSA quickie sex then dragging out the long term fantasy. I say fantasy because until you meet, that's what it is. It's not real. The dilemma you are now facing is why most people recommend you avoid these virtual relationships. Either find the cash & meet in the middle with separate hotel rooms sooner rather than later or end this farce. 1
preraph Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 He's fishing to see if you have an interest in sex, at the very least. You have to know this is the end game (and often the only game) for most men. If sex isn't imminent, they are really not usually motivated. I certainly wouldn't sext him or anything like that, but maybe it's time you told him whether or not you have a healthy sexual appetite and how committed the relationship will have to be before you exercise it! 1
Author Monica3 Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 (edited) Preraph, so you think hes just out for sex and doesnt really care about me? Edited May 8, 2017 by Monica3 Spelling
Author Monica3 Posted May 10, 2017 Author Posted May 10, 2017 Ok I have another question maybe you guys can help me with?? I have explained how we have gotten to be pretty close, even saying I love you. There are times when we talk a lot, where he will send random texts saying he cant stop thinking about me or he needs me, misses me, loves me...things like that. We will talk hours at a time and I start to feel extremely close to him. Then there will be a few days where he pulls away and acts like he is too busy to talk to me, and even act a little irritated at times if I text him. He will even tell me things he has to do and how its going to take hours but he will call when he is done, but then I see him on fb so I know he was lying about being busy. So I decide to back off and not text or call at all, thinking hes no longer interested but then he always texts a little something or I will wake up to an I love you text. If I mention that he has pulled away he will apologize and talk about how busy he is. Why does he do this? He seems so sincere but is it possible this is just a fun game to him? I realize that the fact that I am questioning this should mean I probably need to just move on but I also wonder if its just me because I have been thru a bad relationship which now causes me to be suspicious of everything. Am I overthinking this? What is going on with this guy?
Titanll Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 Have you two met in person? I skipped it if you posted. So my next question, are you saying that you love each other and you have never met?
smackie9 Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 The best thing to do is be honest.....tell him you have been hurt, have trouble trusting people, and sex is not on the table yet until you spend time together physically. Things as they sit now, you are just two people getting to one another. Also tell him you cannot count the 5 months of chatting as "dating" or being is a "relationship". Simple and to the point. 1
Mrin Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 OP: I can categorically say he's not just interested in sex. No dude who is just interested in sex puts 5 freaking months of video and text chatting in. Crimeny, most guys like that wouldn't even put 5 days of that type of effort in... But yes. If I spent 5 months having a virtual relationship with a woman, I would be expecting to have sex with her pretty quickly after we finally met. But to me, sex is an important love language and without it, the intimacy and bonding stalls.
Author Monica3 Posted May 10, 2017 Author Posted May 10, 2017 We have talked about the sex issue and he assures me it is ok with us taking our time. But Im curious as to why he is pulling away every so often. Does anyone have any ideas on this one? (Explination in my last post)
preraph Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 Preraph, so you think hes just out for sex and doesnt really care about me? It's not that cut and dried. I'm saying before he decides he likes you more, he wants to know if you are even interested in sex and are sexual. Guys care about that more than anything early in the relationship. If they think a woman doesn't like sex and isn't very sexual, they are probably not going to let their feelings develop much for you. I'm just saying he knows you are going slow, but he would like to know if you're going at all. Meanwhile, he's probably having sex with someone when he can.
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