Ricardobacardo Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Hello, I am new to this forum so be gentle with me I'll try to keep this as short as possible but really want to get this off my chest as I haven't spoken to anybody about this as it's quite...weird. I dated a guy (Matt) back in August 2016, we had a sort of intense relationship but it ended terribly and quite suddenly in November. I decided to take a few months out to work on myself, no apps, nothing. I should also mention I went NC pretty much straight away and never heard from this guy again (although there is a twist below so keep reading...) Got super into fitness, lost a lot of weight and got into lifting so really improved my body and eating. By the end of January of this year, I felt more happy with myself and total indifference about Matt, in fact I'd say I'd reached indifference after about 1.5 months. So I logged back into an app, started chatting to a really cute guy (James). We talked a lot via text and agreed to meet a few days later. He was sort of between jobs at the time and seemed to have a lot more free time than I did. I should make it really clear that I always knew at this point that James would be moving a 4 hour plane journey away to a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. I'm not sure what I was looking for then, maybe a bit of fun on a Saturday night, meet new people etc. So I decided to meet up on a chilly Saturday night back in January, we had dinner, talked etc. We really connected, I hadn't felt that with previous exes so instantly. We then started hanging out / sleeping together as much as possible before he moved away, like literally every night. He kept expressing how sad he was that he was moving after meeting me, like the worst timing. He also said things like he could really imagine being in a relationship with me. Before he left I asked him what he wanted, he said he didn't know but felt very strongly for me. I told him that I wanted him to go and experience the new place fully and make the most of it, and that maybe we shouldn't keep talking. He assured me that having lived there before he knows what people are like there and that he only wanted me. So then he really pressured me into going to visit him as soon as possible. He practically begged me. I was hesitant, I didn't really know what to think about the whole thing. Looking back it seems so stupid, but I did go and visit and had an amazing long weekend there. I don't think I've done anything as crazy as that before! We did this a few times, exchanging visits. I hated it when we weren't physically together and it felt like it was heading towards a long distance relationship. We would only really text each other and call every few days, but it just wasn't the same. I also felt sexually quite frustrated at not having someone around all the time, I'm sure he did too. I knew deep down inside it just wasn't right and wouldn't work but I decided to keep up with the chatting. I had a vacation booked with friends at the end of April 2017 and I knew that it would possibly drive us apart. Gradually I saw signs in the run up to that trip and during the trip that James was growing more distant. The compliments on how sexy I am in my pictures were toned down to 'cute' and then simply commenting on what I was wearing / the scenery. I thought that was really odd and kind of... disturbing that someone was retreating but I was in denial. The texts took longer to come through, but when they did they were so detailed and engaging that I didn't think too much of the other red flags. However, the 'relationship' or whatever it was truly stressing me out deep inside. I was anxious pretty much all the time knowing that perhaps all was not as it seemed and not knowing what James was up to. I could tell pretty much in my gut that James maybe couldn't be trusted. I remember one incident when he first arrived he had screenshotted something on his phone and sent it to me, except I saw that a dating app was running in the background - a huge red flag i ignored. Anyway, I knew by the time my holiday had ended that James wanted to end it and I practically had to corner him, put it on a plate and initiate before he could come clean. I basically suggested dates for meeting again, I was prepared to fly out and see him for another weekend and then he said it wouldn't be a good idea as he couldn't do a long distance relationship. He said he liked me a lot but that it couldn't work and wanted to be friends or friends with benefits. I have my suspicions that he probably cheated on me and panicked when I suggested meeting again. I sent a very final text to that. I basically said I really liked him, wished him well but that we cannot be friends and said take care. We haven't spoken since. I have a real mixture of emotions that I'm struggling with and that I never really have had before in previous breakups. I've felt enormous relief that it's over, but also real sadness and I truly miss him. I'm also incredibly angry that he basically tried to convert what we had into a friendship gradually by distancing himself romantically instead of just straight out telling me - it seemed very cowardly and unmanly and I'm still angry that he strung me on for so long, especially while I was on holiday when I could have been out meeting other guys, I felt very robbed of that opportunity actually. But most of all, I feel very guilty that I just cut him out completely. I mean, realistically it could never really work and we both facilitated a strange situation where we thought it could but then had doubts. I feel guilty for being so black and white but no contact has always helped before. I don't think I can ever truly be friends with him as I feel hurt and also guilty and I have never tended to really be friends with exes, I tend to just go my own way. I guess it's particularly difficult as I do not have any social media at all and not a big texter, so I feel like... a ghost. It's a really creepy feeling actually, like who on earth was that person? In terms of my next steps, I've just done what I always do with NC periods - working out, seeing friends and NOT using any dating apps. But then a few days after James and I were over, Matt got in touch (so it's true that dumpers do come crawling back). By this point I truly had no feelings for Matt at all. Oddly, he was asking who I was dating / seeing and kept asking quite a few times and I just didn't give anything away as I was a bit down about having been in two failed relationships within 8 months. Basically, I'm not sure why I'm taking this one so badly and finding it hard to move on? :/ I know that I will meet someone else but do you think it's a wise move to take a defined period of e.g. 2 months out NOT using dating apps etc and not meeting new guys just so I'm totally happy with things before dating again? Also am I right to feel really angry about this situation both at James and at myself for facilitating the situation? It's confusing and weird and I'd quite prefer to pretend it never happened although I did think he was special.
Telemachus Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Your life will be better and more full if you delete all of your online dating apps and accounts, and never start a new one. The relationship with James was good, and then it wasn't, and now it's over. It's not that dating apps have no value at all. It's that they have nowhere near the benefit they should for all the time that you have to put into using them. Meet guys in your regular life, in three dimensions.
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