Author TotallyTigers Posted May 29, 2017 Author Posted May 29, 2017 Just updating again because it helps me to keep thing in perspective: Not as much texting with the ex over the last few days. She's still randomly reaching out to me once a day or so, and I'm responding, but it's not the constant all day long back and forth. Still miss her like crazy despite how things went down, but I will not chase her again. Things are going well with the new girl I've been seeing. We've hung out / been on dates 6 times now over the last 2 and half weeks, and text throughout the day, and things seem to be clicking. It's moving slowly compared to my relationship with the ex (kissing and light touching thus far but no sex whereas the ex and I were sexually active in the first 2 weeks), but I recognize now that my ex love bombed me. I try my best not to compare the two of them and to just enjoy spending time with her, but naturally those thoughts do creep in from time to time. I'm also in the process of trying to sell the engagement ring, which is a tough situation. I've kept the ring in a drawer (out of sight and out of mind) but dealing with it now naturally brings back memories of our engagement and how happy and content I was then. I'm also about to have to deal with cancelling our planned honeymoon which I've put off handling as long as possible. While it's tough and going to be tough dealing with those things, it also helps put into perspective what my ex was willing to risk and give up by her actions. She texted a few nights ago that she is never going to have kids, which is something her and I had discussed and had planned on after getting married. I avoided getting into the "what has changed" discussion with her, but it makes me wonder how committed she was to our plans and our future together. Did she really love me and want to spend her life with me? Or was I just someone she felt comfortable with and someone she wanted to play house with while she still flirted with other men? I'll never really know. All I can try to do is learn from the experience and move forward with my life.
Been Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 With people like that its always someone other then them whose at fault. And they usually spin it so they are the victim. Words of advice for the future : 1.When you are in a committed relationship talking to multiple ex's is not to be tolerated. 2.If you have a hunch and check someones social media and your hunch is correct don't confront them- just walk away. Most people are not going to admit to being a cheater. 3.If someone's is lying to your face and you know they are they should be done. They are basically showing you they have 0 respect for you. 4.Cheating. AUTOMATIC deal breaker.Don't care what the reason is. Don't care how sorry they are. They are DONE.
Author TotallyTigers Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 Well after a few days of no contact she started texting me again yesterday evening out of the blue. After a couple hours of texting/flirting I wound up at her house. Sure enough we had sex and I spent the night. This is almost 8 weeks to the day from our blow-up and her giving me back the ring. There's been some texting back and forth today (with her initiating the texting) that's been flirty and playful. There's been no reconciliation talk from either of us. No telling what will come next. I feel like **** for likely giving her exactly what she wanted (i.e., attention and sex), but it felt so good to see her in person and be intimate with her again. While me and the new girl I'm seeing aren't exclusive yet (been on 5 dates over the past 3 weeks and have kissed with light touching), I also of course feel like **** for having sex with my ex while in the early stages of my time getting to know her.
caligirl709 Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I totally understand where you're coming from. I just broke off my engagement two months ago due to my ex being overly flirtatious and saying inappropriate things to other women. The pain and heartbreak is like no other but you just have to keep reminding yourself that if she's doing this while you're engaged (which is supposed to be the happiest time in your relationship) it's only going to result in a messy divorce down the road. You seem like a really nice guy with a lot to offer and you need someone who's going to reciprocate those feelings back to you. I'm struggling with the same thing.. we broke NC and have been texting back and fourth and I feel guilty about it. It's so difficult when everyone in your life is bashing them and telling you to forget them when all you want to do is make things right and start over. Just know you're not alone and it WILL get better! Stay strong.
Author TotallyTigers Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 Well after a few days of no contact she started texting me again yesterday evening out of the blue. After a couple hours of texting/flirting I wound up at her house. Sure enough we had sex and I spent the night. This is almost 8 weeks to the day from our blow-up and her giving me back the ring. There's been some texting back and forth today (with her initiating the texting) that's been flirty and playful. There's been no reconciliation talk from either of us. No telling what will come next. I feel like **** for likely giving her exactly what she wanted (i.e., attention and sex), but it felt so good to see her in person and be intimate with her again. While me and the new girl I'm seeing aren't exclusive yet (been on 5 dates over the past 3 weeks and have kissed with light touching), I also of course feel like **** for having sex with my ex while in the early stages of my time getting to know her. Well the roller-coaster ride continues. Since I spent the night at her house a week and half ago my ex and I have continued to text back and forth. No real serious talk until about a week ago. Also, a week ago, the new girl I was seeing broke things off with me. I could kind of tell she had been holding back, and she too was coming off a long term relationship. She knew I was coming off a broken engagement, and told me that she had been in this situation before and it turned out badly for her with her then boyfriend leaving her to go back to his ex-fiance. She said she knows that people don't lose feelings for others that quick, and I couldn't really argue or say much, as I definitely still have feelings for my ex. Basically, she's been the rebound girl before and didn't want to be put in that position again. Later that same night I had texted some with my ex-fiance, and she called me on the phone for the first time since we broke up. We talked about me coming over to her house so we could try a new whiskey I had picked up, and settled on me going over the next night. Then, the next day, she called me a few times while I was at work wanting to talk about relationship stuff. She asked where I saw things going between us, saying that there were a lot of great things in our relationship, but there were issues we needed to discuss. She says that she was surprised but how nervous she was when I came over the week before. She also said that she wasn't comfortable with me coming over and spending the night every night, as that was essentially how things were before. I was somewhat surprised by her tone and her willingness to discuss things, as she had been often closed off in the past. I told her that I was enjoying speaking with her again and was just taking things day by day and seeing what happens. That I hadn't ruled anything out one way or another. That afternoon she came by my office and we met in the parking lot and talked for about 30-40 minutes. She tells me that she's surprised at how nervous I make her. We kiss a little and flirt and joke. She invites me to come over shortly after she gets off work. I head over to her house later that night. We watch a couple shows and start to hook up. Despite her saying no sex that's what ends up happening again. After we have sex she says that we can't keep doing this. We talk about doing things differently than before and taking things slow. I end up spending the night again (despite her saying earlier no spending the night). We wake up the next morning, enjoy some coffee, etc. and kiss each other bye. She calls me almost immediately after leaving her house to see if I want to go look at a couple houses with her that evening. I say sure. That evening I pick her up from her house and we go drive to check out the houses. It's nice, relaxing and friendly. Then we talk about grabbing a bite to eat and ultimately decide to do take out, and she invites me over to watch a show. We eat, watch the show, and kiss a little. Earlier she had said no spending the night and this night we didn't, as she had to open early the next day. I kiss her goodnight and go home. The next day I text her to see if she wants to grab a bite to eat that night. She says no that she wants to sleep. And says that taking things day by day doesn't mean everyday. I'm like OK no problem. We text some that night but don't see each other. Then, the next day (last Thursday), we text a little throughout the day but don't make any plans. That evening she calls me out of the blue and asks if I want to come over to talk about stuff while she packs for a weekend trip. I say I'm up for it and head over. She tells me she's applying for a management position with her company that's around 3 hours away from where we live. She asks me if I'd go with her. I'm kind of taken aback by her asking me this and I say that if things between us continue to progress well then I'd consider it. She gets kind of emotional and hugs me. We then spend sometime looking at houses on her iPad and snuggling. We kiss and do some heavy touching but no sex (that time of the month). We talk more about relationship stuff. She asks me if we're right for each other. And asks if we should be doing this. Obviously I don't really know how to respond to these questions. She says I'll just forget about her if she moves, etc. and is kind of all over the place. She says I could just marry her and move with her. Again I say that we could possible ultimately get back to that point over time, but we need to see how things go. She asks me to talk about my feelings but then doesn't want to open up when I ask her. I end up spending the night again but no sex. The next morning we cuddle and kiss in bed a bit before both getting ready. She then leaves to head out of town with her Mom. While she was gone I texted her a little just to see how things were going but noticed that she wasn't really initiating many text exchanges back. She got back in town a day later and still wasn't too talkative. I asked her to go see a movie yesterday and she said that she already had plans to go to church. Then she texts me last night out of the blue saying "Why can't I let you go." Her tone has changed and she says this isn't healthy for either of us, and she doesn't know what to think. She asks what if she moves and I reiterate what I said a few days prior. She says that it all could just end in heartbreak again and that we can't do that again. I end up calling her to talk on the phone (rather than texting), but she is kinda back to her old standoffish ways on the phone. I'm doing most the talking and trying to figure out what's going on with her, and she's not giving me much. She says she's been thinking about things, which I tell her I figured because she hadn't been too talkative over the past few days. She asks me what issues I had with the relationship that I'd want to discuss, and I told her that honestly my biggest thing was the feeling of walking on eggshells around her which I often got around the house when she'd snap at me for little things. She brings up the issue of us spending more time with her family which again I say I'm open to, but that everyone needs to make an effort to make that happen (her parents never want to do anything). She brings up the issue of us falling into old habits and routines, but every couple has some routines in their life. The call ends with her saying she doesn't know, that we could just wind up in the same spot a couple months down the road. She asks me what I want to do and I say that I've enjoyed reconnecting with her, and I'd like to continue talking and taking things day by day and see where things go. She says OK, and we tell each other bye. There was no further contact last night, but then this morning I get a text from her saying that she had a weird dream where I was coming over and sleeping with her, and she found out that I was married and my wife was pregnant. Again, I'm kinda like where is this coming from. She had sent various kinda weird texts over the past couple weeks about pregnancy and coming to terms with the fact that she'll never had kids, and getting emotional, so again I'm kinda thrown for a loop. I really don't know where things stand right now. I haven't told anyone in my family that she and I have been talking, and I know they'll be pissed when/if they find out. Obviously I can't hide it from them forever, and I don't want to, but I don't want to say anything to them if nothing is going to come from it. When we've seen each other since we reconnected it's basically been on her terms. The couple times I've tried to set something up she's turned me down or had plans already. Ultimately, I think she just doesn't know what she wants. The last couple times I've backed off from texting her she's come back around texting me out of the blue in a day or two. But at the same time I really thought things were progressing between us this past week, and now it's disappointing to have her get wishy washy again and say that she doesn't know. Due to our schedules and trips we have planned, we probably won't see each other again in person for at least a week. I know I'm an idiot for even putting myself out there again with her, but I still love her and love spending time with her. On the flip side, I'm back to having trouble concentrating on anything and am constantly thinking about her. I've come to realize that she is pretty much like a drug for me, and I'm pretty much an addict. Based on the issues she's brought up about our relationship I think I've also determined that my snooping wasn't the real reason for our break-up. All the issues she's brought up are things that pre-date that (and a lot of which go back to our October break). I guess that makes sense with her behavior leading up to the break-up (and why I was suspicious). For now I plan to maintain contact with her via texting and see what happens. Though the ball is pretty much in her court.
Author TotallyTigers Posted June 13, 2017 Author Posted June 13, 2017 Wow I am really hurting today. I've texted her a little bit over the past couple days but haven't gotten much in the way of replies. When we first hooked up again 2 weeks ago I told myself it was just sex and that I wasn't going to get pulled back in. But seeing her 3 out of 4 nights this past week and the talks we had about the relationship really sucked me back in and had me believing again. Now it appears that she's giving me the cold shoulder again. Things seemed so good on Thursday night and Friday morning before she left to head out of town. Just like before I'm trying to figure out what changed and what I did, but I know deep down that it's just her doing her thing where she's thinking about stuff and doesn't know what she wants, and probably just playing games with me. I get so low and think about doing anything to take this pain away and not feel so lonely.
anduina Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 It's impossible for me to remain silent over this issue. Your ex has a history of serial cheating.You catch her lying and in the least, emotional cheating possibly leading to physical cheating.She blames you for catching her, breaks the engagement and walks out.She then texts you months later not to ask you about how you feel but to make you feel sorry for her.She attention bombs you again and gets attention and sex from you without commitment, then blows you off again. She'll be back to attention bomb you again for uncommitted sex. Do you feel loved by this horrid female?
Author TotallyTigers Posted June 30, 2017 Author Posted June 30, 2017 Well as expected things have kinda come full circle with me and my ex. Last I posted 2 and half weeks ago we had reconnected, I had slept over a few times, we had talked through some issues as well as her possibly moving for her job, but then she began to turn cold on me again. She told me she wasn't sure what to think anymore and that things between us could just end up the same. Over the last couple weeks I tried to keep the lines of communication open via texts and phone calls in the hopes that things would change, but they didn't. I was initiating all the contact and was getting short responses. I took her to a movie last Thursday but things were kinda awkward and standoffish. I kissed her at the end of the night and she kissed me back, and we talked about maybe getting together this week. I then called her on Sunday evening to see about getting together this week and she was non-committal saying that she'd have to check her work schedule. I then reached out again on Tuesday and got no response. She tried to call me back but I missed her call, and then she wouldn't respond to my follow-up calls. Finally on Wednesday I sent her a long text saying that I'd enjoyed reconnecting with her and that I still care for her and would like to see where things go, but that I wasn't going to keep reaching out and bothering her. She responded with a lengthy text (which surprised me) stating as follows: "I do care for you as well. I know that we need to not fall back into how we use to be bc we aren't in that place anymore. It is familiar and we can easily do so but we can not. Talking with you is nice and I have enjoyed it. I do find myself still being guarded bc I know how easily it could be to move back to how we were. We are not together, we are not dating and we are no longer engaged. I feel at times that I need to separate myself from 'us'. We have had some great times and continued to but we are two separate people now." I responded with a text saying that I had noticed that she had been guarded, and that I've been somewhat guarded too because we were hurt with the way things ended. I reminded her that she and I had talked about doing things differently this time, and that I've continued to reach out to her because I'd like to continue to talk to her, spend time with her, and see where things go. Not surprisingly there was no response to my text, and there's been no contact since from either of us. It looks like it's back to No Contact, though I expect she'll reach back out to me at some point. Yes I'm mad at myself for being sucked back in. The past 3 weeks have been rough, almost like getting broken up with and rejected all over again. The narcissist cycle seems to have played out again with her attention bombing me in late May/early June. Then devaluing and discarding me again. At least now with going NC I can relax and not worry about trying to reach out to her, and not have to deal with the rejection of texts that either get a 1-word response or no response at all. I've been feeling very anxious and low, and finally went to my doctor this week to get prescribed some anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. They seem to be helping some thus far, and they are probably long overdue for me, as I've always had issues with anxiety. Going forward I'm just gonna try to work on myself, spend time with family and friends, exercise, and do some traveling. Hopefully I'll be stronger if/when she comes around again, but I know there are no guarantees.
Marc878 Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 You and you alone can control your phone and yourself. Which means you are your own worst enemy. Either fix it or continue down the same path You'll just get more of what you've already gotten 1
Author TotallyTigers Posted July 3, 2017 Author Posted July 3, 2017 You and you alone can control your phone and yourself. Which means you are your own worst enemy. Either fix it or continue down the same path You'll just get more of what you've already gotten Can't argue that I'm my own worst enemy, but I'm trying really hard to fix it. I haven't reached out to her since last Wednesday when we exchanged the lengthy text messages. She sent me a random text picture Saturday night of a couple nice bourbons she had picked up (we both like bourbon). I responded but kept the response very short. Nothing came of that. Looks like just breadcrumbs from her. Also looks like she's already sleeping with another guy again, which isn't surprising. I'm sure she has multiple guys she's working via text/Facebook/Snapchat right now. I'm still mad at myself for getting sucked in again. Her all of a sudden being nice again just blindsided me and getting back to that old familiar feeling with her felt so good. But I guess it was all just an illusion. I know that going and staying NC is the only thing that's good for me here.
Author TotallyTigers Posted July 8, 2017 Author Posted July 8, 2017 Well appears that the ex is sleeping with multiple dudes now. At least 2 in the last week, one of whom I believe is in a serious relationship. It's kinda shocking to me how she so easily bounces between guys like this, but I guess it really is her MO. It's the other side of her that I suspected when we were together, but did not want to accept. Even now, it's tough to accept the reality that she's not who I thought she was. I know I dodged a bullet, but it still makes me sad. I've refrained from texting, calling, etc. her for the past 10 days. She's sent me messages on snapchat in response to a couple snapchat stories I've posted, but again appears like more breadcrumbs from her. 1
Superchicken Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 How on gods earth, with all the crap you found out initially did you continue to propose to her. Sorry, but your a quart low somewhere !. I cant believe it took months, and incident after incident for you to see what was going on. Top yourself up, and get smarter next time. Yeah, your lucky all right. But by chance.. Good luck in the future. Next time, don't let up. Ted.
Author TotallyTigers Posted July 10, 2017 Author Posted July 10, 2017 Ha thanks Ted. I realize I overlooked/rationalized red flags and probably shouldn't have gone forward with the proposal when I did. All I can say is that she was my first love and my first long term relationship, and I was trying and doing everything I could to make it work. Some of the stuff I suspected or knew before, but a lot of stuff only came to the surface following our breakup. Nonetheless, I know I've got work to do on myself going forward. I allowed myself to be treated like crap out of fear of losing her and still lost big in the end. The only saving grace is what everyone is telling me now...that I dodged a bullet and can move forward with my life free.
clam Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Yes, you dodged a big bullet. Now please... toss this one back! She sounds like a full blown narcissist who is likely borderline as well. Classic push-pull of a borderline. Scary when you really think about it...
Captivating Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Tigers, Wow, what a story ! You are VERY lucky that this relationship is over. Your ex seems to be having narcissistic personality disorder. Do you think so ? Red flags: Love-bombing in the beginning of the relationship, manipulating and using people around them for their purposes, "gas-lighting", flipping the table/manipulating things in a way that she is always the victim, controlling/isolating their lower self-esteem partner from their friends/family, narcissists need a supply of people to stroke their ego -- IMAGE is everything for them. Being the perfect "chameleon" mirroring the person they want to be with as their way of manipulation, so that you think "oh we have so much in common !" Also, narcissists like to criticize others (deflecting stuff they hate about themselves) but cannot take criticism themselves,they flip out Deep inside though they are miserable, stemming from a deep rooted self-esteem problem. So getting attention from guys is certainly a narcissist girls' dream. Narcissists are not capable of loving someone. They see the other person as an extension of themselves. ..... Bottom line is that she has the trouble with boundaries,(not you) because a normal emotionally mature person is not flirting/sleeping around/ lying into your face in a committed relationship. It's good that you found out what you wanted. However, you gave her so many chances although you had a clear gut feeling with an evidence galore in your hand that she is up to no good. WHY ??? You need to reflect on your own self esteem. You clearly knew what was going on, yet you did not want to believe it and you kept on confronting her (in a jealous manner). Confronting her and snooping was justified and completely understandable but you should have broken up with her much sooner. As you start to see this relationship more clearly, you might come to realization of " WHAT WAS I THINKING?!" I hope your heart heals fast !!! ps: PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT HER IN ANY WAY and DO NOT STROKE HER EGO telling her that you love her/miss her! No !! What do you love about her ? The illusion she created for you ? HUGS !
la74219 Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Hey man I'm in a similar situation. I know how difficult it is, as I've kept in contact with mine as well. However, we've got to break free. The constant push/pull is no good for us. It is preventing us from fully healing. If they truly want to come back and reconcile, they know how to reach us. Otherwise, do yourself a favor and get your life back together. Hang in there buddy, I'm right there with you.
Author TotallyTigers Posted July 11, 2017 Author Posted July 11, 2017 Tigers, Wow, what a story ! You are VERY lucky that this relationship is over. Your ex seems to be having narcissistic personality disorder. Do you think so ? I think she either has NPD and BPD, or at least is on the spectrum for both. She definitely has exhibited many of the characteristics of both. I really hadn't done any reading or research on narcissists and borderline personality disorder prior to my relationship with her, so all of this has been pretty eye opening for me. But it's also helped me to try to make some sense of what happened in our relationship. Again I know that I can't try to understand what's going on in her head, but it's helped me to realize that there wasn't much, if anything, that I could have done to change how things ended up between us. She actually texted me today out of the blue telling me to listen to some Chris Stapleton song called "Whiskey and You". Just more breadcrumbs and her trying to play the victim I guess. I'm trying to steer clear and not think about her. It's still tough but the words of encouragement and advice from all of y'all certainly helps. 1
Superchicken Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 She actually texted me today out of the blue telling me to listen to some Chris Stapleton song called "Whiskey and You". Just more breadcrumbs and her trying to play the victim I guess.. ARRRRRRHHH, so she wants songs duz she.. Well, tell her to listen to 10cc "Im not in Love". Its war I telz ya. Ted. 1
mrs rubble Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 With all the men she's been sleeping with, I hope you've had yourself checked for STI's!! Also this sudden talk of pregnancy and having kids. I'd be worrying about her trying to set you up as the daddy, if she does suddenly connect again and claim to be pregnant with your child- be very, very suspicious. You really need to keep to NC and start occupying your mind with other stuff, take up a new hobby to get your mind off things- build a model aeroplane, knit a scarf, join a quiz team, anything but moping around worrying about what your lying, scheming, promiscuous ex is up to. She is NOT the person you have idealised in your mind. Let her go and let yourself have some peace of mind.
Author TotallyTigers Posted July 12, 2017 Author Posted July 12, 2017 With all the men she's been sleeping with, I hope you've had yourself checked for STI's!! Also this sudden talk of pregnancy and having kids. I'd be worrying about her trying to set you up as the daddy, if she does suddenly connect again and claim to be pregnant with your child- be very, very suspicious. You really need to keep to NC and start occupying your mind with other stuff, take up a new hobby to get your mind off things- build a model aeroplane, knit a scarf, join a quiz team, anything but moping around worrying about what your lying, scheming, promiscuous ex is up to. She is NOT the person you have idealised in your mind. Let her go and let yourself have some peace of mind. Yea the pregnancy/having kids stuff that she kept bringing up a few weeks back was weird. We had talked about having kids after getting married, and that was our plan, but we were also both clear that neither of us wanted them prior to getting married. I really think the pregnancy/having kids stuff was more just her trying to play the victim (i.e., I realize now I'll never have kids....aww please feel sorry for me). Problem with that is that she is the reason we broke up and that we won't have kids together. I feel like I'm making progress not thinking about her as much, and understanding that she's not the person I've idealized. It's tough to accept the reality of who she is but from talking to you guys and my counselor it has really helped to make things clearer. Deciding to no longer reach out to her 2 weeks ago was a major step in the right direction for me. Sure enough she's been the one who has continued to reach out to me since, though as I've said it's just been crumbs. I've responded to her but I'm going with the "grey rock" method of just giving short, boring responses. Like with the song she sent yesterday I just responded "That's a good one" and left it at that with no further communications from either of us. And yes I know that I should just not respond period, but I'm not getting invested either way and I'm sure it's probably getting to her that she's not getting anything out of me. Am I still hurting? Yes. But I am feeling better and more in control of my life.
Author TotallyTigers Posted July 13, 2017 Author Posted July 13, 2017 It's amazing how I can go from one day to the next and feel so much worse. Yesterday I was feeling good. This morning I woke up thinking about her (think I had a dream or two with her in it) and am feeling down and struggling. It's one of those days where I feel it not only mentally/emotionally, but also physically. I just need to keep reminding myself constantly that she's not the sweet person that I fell in love with. Still NC and trying to stay strong.
mrs rubble Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 And tomorrow you might feel good again, seriously think about a distraction. Joining a club of some sort might help take your mind off things.
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