Broken Engagement

[TotallyTigers]

OK this post is gonna be long but bear with me. Gonna try to lay out all the important details.

 

My ex-fiance and I began dating a year and a half ago. She's a customer of my Dad's (he told her about me) and she pursued me initially through Facebook.

 

Things escalated pretty quick. We were in a relationship within a month or two.

 

She tells me in the first month or two that she was previously engaged but broke it off with the guy because he had a drinking issue.

 

Our first 10-11 months together are pretty great. She's sweet, beautiful, and treats me well. My family likes her a lot. We hardly fight or have any issues.

 

As we approach our 1-year dating anniversary, I notice that she's a little more distant and not quite as in to the relationship. We sit down a couple times to talk and she says that she hasn't quite been feeling the same about us. She wants me to stay over more and wants us to spend more time with her family. I say I'm all for it, the issue with her family (strict Pentecostal) is they don't usually do much and don't invite us over, whereas my parents love to do things and invite us several times a week.

 

Shortly after our 1-year dating anniversary, she says she wants to take a break. I'm shocked and heartbroken. I had seen some signs that things weren't great but I felt like a break was too extreme. Family asks me if there's another guy involved, and I say no as I had no suspicions at that time. I call and text her, do all the work, and we're back together in a week. We agree we need to communicate better and we're going to work on things.

 

After our break things improve. We take a couple trips and are busy with holiday stuff. After a couple of months I start thinking about proposing to her.

 

Around that same time, I notice that she's a little more distant and pre-occupied with her phone and iPad. I'm suspicious and while she's at work I get on her iPad and look at her Facebook messenger. I see that she's messaging several guys, a couple of which are ex's of hers. I already knew she has lots of guy friends, and only a few female friends, and the messages seem pretty harmless for the most part. But I see one message thread between her and an engaged guy where the conversation was way out of line. He's making inappropriate comments and she's not shutting it down like I think she would, and is actually making inappropriate comments back to him. They also make reference to past incidents where they apparently hooked up. This goes on for a couple days (with her mostly messaging him while she's at work). She’s also deleting the Facebook messages after the fact. I message the dude on FB and tell him to cut it out, and I confront her about it, telling her that the messages popped up while I was on the iPad. She says it's joking that got out of hand and that she would never do something like that. I love her and of course want to believe her, so I take her word for it. A few days later I bring it up again to make sure nothing is going on and she sort of freaks out, gets mad, and starts crying, saying that I've unlocked all sorts of pain by doubting her about it (apparently her ex-fiance didn't trust her, etc.). We talk through it and everything ends up OK.

 

I'm kinda shaken by what's happened but I'm still set on proposing to her. I talk to both sets of parents and pick out the ring a month later. Literally the day after I pick up the ring, my sister comes to me in tears and says that someone she trusts contacted her to tell her that my girlfriend had been reaching out to and was in contact with her ex-fiance over the past several months. My sister then tells me that she actually reached out to the ex-fiance and spoke to him, and that he told her that my girlfriend had texted and called him and that it'd been going on from before our break and even after it. He tells my sister that my GF had asked him to take breaks when they were together and that he later found out that she had been with other guys. He admits that he had a drinking issue which contributed to the ending of their engagement.

 

After my sister tells me this, I contact my GF (she was in Florida visiting family) and tell her what I've been told. She at first says she hasn't spoken to any ex's in months, but admits that she had been in contact with her ex-fiance. She says that sometimes she would initiate the contact, and other times he would, but that it was just being friendly and trying to be an adult. She's fuming mad with the ex-fiance and makes it out like he's trying to reach out and hurt her. But it wasn't even him who brought it up to my sister. Again, I'm concerned by all of this. They had texted and called for approximately 3 months and I had no clue. My family is skeptical now and tells me to hold off on proposing, that there are too many red flags. I bring it up to the GF a couple days later to follow-up and again she gets very mad again about me questioning her and is difficult to talk to.

 

We have a big trip planned to Disney two weeks later where I was planning to propose. Again, I think about it but decide to go forward with the proposal, knowing that we'll do a 1+ year engagement. She's ecstatic and says yes and we have a great trip. We get back home and get busy right away with wedding planning, booking our venue, photographer, etc. Everything seems to be going pretty great. But at the same time I'm still suspicious based on the prior things that had happened. I still check the Facebook every once in a while. About a month after we're engaged she starts FB messaging with a guy she went to high school with. They go back and forth throughout the day. Mostly harmless but of course he makes the comments like "you're so pretty, I hope your fiance knows how lucky he is." She says "yea he does", etc. She mentions the guy to me in conversation and says that she feels bad for him because he's recently divorced.

 

I head out of town for a trip to California and while I'm gone she Facebook friends and begins chatting with a guy from her gym. She goes out one night to meet him and some people from her gym to hang out. She tells me about going out to meet them. They then start FB messaging back and forth throughout the day a lot. They're working out together and she mentions him to me, as well as the guy from high school. After a couple of weeks the guy from the gym starts to make flirtier comments to her. Nothing inappropriate like with the engaged guy but still something I notice. Then she adds both the high school guy and the gym guy on snapchat and the FB messages with them stop. She also goes back and deletes both FB message threads (but doesn't delete other message threads she has). I then start to see snapchats from these guys coming in every night and every morning on her phone and apple watch.

 

At the same time she added the dude from the gym on snapchat, she posted an inappropriate picture on Instagram of her after a workout in her sports bra showing off her cleavage and staring into the camera. I see it that night and am like "Seriously?" She kinda laughs it off and says it's no different than the pic I posted of us from my firm Christmas dinner when she was wearing a revealing but nice formal dress. I tell her it's not the same at all. She can tell I'm pissed about it. I don't ask her to take it down and she doesn't take it down.

 

Over the next few days I see more and more snapchats from these guys coming in at night and in the morning. I also notice she's becoming more secretive with her phone, leaving it screen down on the counter or sometimes leaving it in her purse. She's also acting a little more distant.

 

I see a missed call on her iPad a couple days later when I'm at her house and she's at work (we had basically been living together at her house since a couple months before we were engaged). The number doesn't have a name show up, but I'm suspicious already and look it up. It's the dude from the gym. Now I'm even more suspicious since they've progressed to talking on the phone. Over the next couple days I don't hear from her much during the day at work via texts, calls, or snapchat, which we usually kept up with. I look on her phone and see that she's had calls back and forth with the guy from the gym during the day and right when she gets off work. I also see that she's had phone calls with another ex of hers, but I'm more concerned bout the dude from the gym. I also see that apparently she's texted with him but deleted the texts.

 

The night before the **** hits the fan, she suddenly says to me that she's never thought she would live with someone before marriage, and is worried about what we'll tell our pastor when we go to meet with him if he asks us about living together before getting married. This is the first time she's made this sort of comment. Previously she'd wanted me over all the time, and we called her house "our house." She asks if we could spend one or two nights a week in our own houses. She says it's like we're already married, what will we have to look forward to, etc. That it'll just be paperwork. All this has my mind racing. What's going on? Why's she suddenly trying to create this space? I tell her let's just talk about it more without making any decisions at that moment.

 

Later that night, she mentions several people from her gym, but noticeably does not mention the guy from the gym who she had told me about previously. I tell her that I've seen a bunch of snaps coming in late at night and in the early morning, and ask if this guy is trying to get with her. She says no and that they're just friends from the gym. I also note to her that I notice that she's been wearing her hair down and wearing her contacts everyday, which was unusual. She's like "are you serious?" The talk winds down and we head to bed. I can't sleep a minute that night because my mind is racing and I have a bad feeling in my gut. The next morning she goes in to work early to open. She later texts me to tell me that she had to wait outside in her car for an hour until their 2nd employee got there, and that she just dozed as she waited. I get home from work that afternoon while she's still at the gym and look on the iPad and see that she called the dude from the gym that morning and spoke to him for 43 minutes on the phone. Now I'm kinda freaking out. She calls him the morning after we had the talk about having nights to ourselves and me asking her about him, and talks to him for 43 minutes? I realize I have to confront her and that I'll also have to reveal that I had snooped.

 

She gets home from the gym and I ask her about her morning. Again she says that she just hung out in her car and was half asleep. I ask her if she spoke to anyone on the phone. She says no. I ask her specifically if she spoke to the guy from the gym on the phone. She says no. I of course know she's lying from the call log I saw. I ask her why she's lying to me and she says she isn't, that she doesn't even have the guy's number (At that point in time she had had his number for several days, but had not saved his name in her phone with the number (also kinda sketchy)). I then tell her how I know and again ask why she's lying to me about talking to him. She then turns the whole thing around on me for snooping and is beyond pissed. I acknowledge that what I did wasn't right, and apologize, but again point out to her that she lied to my face when I asked her about talking to this guy.

 

We go back and forth for a couple hours without much progress. She is so mad that I snooped, and I'm on the defensive. I legitimately felt bad about it, but at the same time her behavior and the bad gut feeling I had lead me to look. Ultimately, she gave me back the engagement ring and asked for my key to her house back. She helped me pack my things and we got my stuff loaded in the car. Even though she lied to me, I'm still willing to try to work things out. She says she doesn't know. She says she still loves me and I tell her that I love her, and I leave.

 

Of course I immediately tell my family and they are mad but somewhat relieved. They want me to be done with her completely. Whereas I chased her during our initial break, this time I'm pissed that she lied to me and my initial thought is to go no contact. I speak to her sister on the phone to try to get a feel for where her head is at. After a few days I'm just about to crack and contact her when I get an e-mail from her saying that she's already contacted the wedding photographer, DJ, and her bridesmaids to let them know we won't be going forward on our wedding date. She says she's about to change the FB relationship status and that she hopes I see the e-mail first. I call her and we talk for almost an hour on the phone. Again she's pissed and is putting it all on me for snooping. I try to get through to her but it's like talking to a brick wall. Again we both say that we still love each other, and the call leaves off with us trying to talk in a couple days.

 

I'm devastated and heartbroken and go to see a counselor a couple days later. The counselor tells me not to contact her, so I don't make the follow-up call that evening. I send her a Happy Easter text a couple days later on Sunday which she responds to, but nothing beyond that. Then, a couple days later (less than 2 weeks after she gave me the ring back), I find out that she’s sleeping with the dude from the gym who I asked her about. This of course only further validates my suspicions. She texts me a couple days later about some things of mine that are at her house, and we text some over the next couple days and she still denies that anything was going on with him (she doesn’t know that I know that they’re currently sleeping together) and that I was making something out of nothing. She says that I crossed boundaries and broke trust in our relationship, and that I upset her more than I'll ever know. I apologize for snooping but also point out how hurt I was that she lied to my face, but she says that she could already tell from my line of questioning that I had "crossed boundaries." I know texting isn’t the best way to discuss this sort of stuff, so I suggest we get together to discuss in person. I don’t know what I even want to get out of the face to face meeting or why I’m even doing it. All the signs were there that she was cheating on me. It was at least emotional cheating, and even if it hadn’t crossed over to the physical cheating while we were still together, it certainly seems to have been heading that way given that she’s sleeping with the dude less than 2 weeks after.

 

I finally met up with her last Friday to talk in person, almost 4 weeks to the day that she gave me the ring back. Her attitude and behavior were about what I expected. She was cold and standoffish and is still putting it all on me for snooping. She's pissed at me for contacting her sister and telling her a "sob story." She says that I'll probably never find someone as loyal and committed as her, and that she is headstrong and has made her mind up. She says she still loves me but is not in love with me. She says that I was acting different and things had been off for 6 weeks prior to our breakup, and that it was probably just a matter of time. This is news to me, and I tell her that I didn't think anything was up for that time, but that she was different after I had returned from my trip to California (the 2 weeks leading up to our break-up). It's like she's re-envisioned everything after our break-up. I tell her I had trusted her after the December Facebook message incident and after finding out about her talking with her ex-fiance, and that I had a bad gut feeling about this guy from the gym (I don't tell her that I know she's slept with him since our breakup). At the end of the meet up she asks me what the real reason I wanted to meet up was. I tell her that I wanted to touch base and talk in person (better than texting or phone). She says that she feels like I want a different result (i.e., reconciliation). I tell her that I still love her and miss her, but that I'm not going to try to force some sort of reconciliation that she doesn't want. I give her a hug goodbye and she tells me that she still loves me. I tell her that's nice to hear, and that I still love and miss her, and to keep in touch. She says she can't say when that'll be.

 

In the month since we split I’ve learned more about her history from various people (most of the time this info has come to me or my family unsolicited from people who wanted to say something while she and I were together, but who didn't want to cause any issues). Specifically, that she apparently cheated on her ex-fiance, that she’s had lots of former sexual partners, been involved in an affair with a married guy, and had trouble staying faithful in past relationships/engagements. This combined with the fact that she has lots of guy friends and only a few female friends is obviously concerning. I've spoken to her ex-fiance and he says that I should "run." He also sent me all the texts he and her exchanged while we were together. There was nothing bad sexually, thought they had talked about meeting up to catch up but never did. However, I saw from the texts that she was the one who initiated the contact with him (which occurred right before our 1 year dating anniversary and approximately 21 months after she and him broke off their engagement). I spoke to him last week and he told me that she just tried to text and call him last week after almost 6 months of no contact.

 

One other important thing to note is her family background. As I mentioned earlier, her parents are strict pentecostal. She plays the good daughter in front of them (wearing a skirt, no drinking, etc.), but would wear pants and drink around me and my family. My family was always kind of concerned with this "double life." There were other little things that she would also lie or exaggerate about that concerned me, and lead me to suspect that she might be leading another "secret life" when not with me.

 

She was my first long-term relationship and my first love, and I’m heartbroken. Everybody (family, friends, counselor) is telling me that my snooping was justified and that I dodged a bullet, but that only does so much to take away the pain. I think of her everyday and even though all signs seem to show that something was going on, I can't help but feel guilty about snooping and that I may have overreacted to her talking with these guys and caused the breakup of our engagement. She is so adamant that nothing was going on and putting it all on me for snooping and being insecure. Either I screwed up and my snooping broke us apart, or she's a master manipulator. The result sucks either way, but the little bit of uncertainty and guilt is tearing me apart. Even though it seems likely she was cheating on me, everyday I wish I could go back and choose not to confront her. I knew when I confronted her that I was risking putting the entire relationship on the line, but I couldn't take it anymore at that point. The problem is that the pain I've felt since has been way worse.

 

Sorry for the length of the post but it helps to type all this out. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[d0nnivain]

You dodged a bullet. Next time multiple red flags smack you in the face, pay attention to them.

 

 

After what your sister told you about your GF being in contact with her former FI & then lying to you about it, you made a poor decision by proposing. Instead of making your relationship more serious at that point you should have been breaking up with her.

 

 

Keep going to your counselor.

 

 

Also when your whole family doesn't like the person you are with that is a problem.

[TotallyTigers]

Thank you for the response. I should have recognized the many red flags, but this being my first long-term relationship I guess I was slow to recognize them and/or rationalized explanations for them.

 

The sad thing is that I still want her back so bad. The fear of being alone and not finding someone else is overwhelming at times. I just wish I knew for certain that she had cheated on me (and yes I know it looks very likely that she physically cheated and it's certain that she emotionally cheated).

 

My family loved her until she wanted to take our initial break back in October. My Mom says she doesn't think things were ever the same since then. Both of my parents think that she had one foot out the door over the last few weeks of our relationship, and that it was only a matter of time until she called off the engagement.

 

I recognize that my snooping had gotten pretty bad in the last month (checking her iPad and looking on her phone almost daily). I did not admit the full extent of my snooping when I confronted her, but I believe she knows.

Edited May 8, 2017 by TotallyTigers
additional info

[FoundLove]

You did the right thing by snooping - how else were you going to find out the truth?

 

She's a serial cheater and once a cheater always a cheater...

 

While she was supposed to be planning your wedding - which is supposed to be the happiest time in a relationship - she was cheating on you. Why would you want her back?

 

You will not end up alone, trust me. You will find someone who will love you and treat you with the respect you deserve; who will be committed to your relationship and who will look forward to spending her life with you. Someone you can trust with your heart and won't have to snoop on to make sure she's not cheating.

 

Take some time to heal and get over your heartache and then go out there and find this girl. She is out there.

[Sparta]

OP dude it's because it's your first time or you got some decent looking pvssy but let me tell you something dude this chick OK he didn't just dodge a bullet he dodged 189 mm howitzer cannon shell that's what he dodged.

 

What is it with you Younger people apologizing for snooping dude.?! that's how you find out she's the biggest tramp out there, privacy with a girlfriend that you live with and a wife only privacy is going to the bathroom that's privacy. So you didn't do anything wrong. You'll find out dude she's been diagnosed with bipolar, narcissism with BPD (borderline personality disorder) and that it was brought on by being a product of child sexual abuse she endured in her childhood. She was I was likely being molested by relatives. Because this is not just her wanting sex she is definitely showing full-blown symptoms of those personality disorders and I spoke about earlier... good luck take care buddy remember you dodged a howitzer round... that's what it would've been if you were married to her with kids

[LonelyJedi]

I feel for you, my ex-fiance left me a month and a half ago.

I also ignored all of the red flags, but I blew right through them for the sake of the relationship and thought we could work out anything.

 

As for her cheating, intolerable.

"When you start rationalizing and accepting a cheater's behavior/excuses, you start playing a game of how low can you go."

[LonelyJedi]

Thank you for the response. I should have recognized the many red flags, but this being my first long-term relationship I guess I was slow to recognize them and/or rationalized explanations for them.

 

The sad thing is that I still want her back so bad. The fear of being alone and not finding someone else is overwhelming at times. I just wish I knew for certain that she had cheated on me (and yes I know it looks very likely that she physically cheated and it's certain that she emotionally cheated).

 

My family loved her until she wanted to take our initial break back in October. My Mom says she doesn't think things were ever the same since then. Both of my parents think that she had one foot out the door over the last few weeks of our relationship, and that it was only a matter of time until she called off the engagement.

 

I recognize that my snooping had gotten pretty bad in the last month (checking her iPad and looking on her phone almost daily). I did not admit the full extent of my snooping when I confronted her, but I believe she knows.

 

I feel for you, I am in a very similar situation. I also ignore all of the red flags because it was my first long-term relationship.

 

Best thing you can do is act like she never existed, which is tough I know. When I keep telling myself is the woman I loved is dead & gone forever.

 

We'll survive and climb out of this... one inch at a time.

[TotallyTigers]

The part that is so mind-blowing is how adamant she is that she did nothing wrong. That she is "loyal and committed" (she's said that repeatedly) and that I probably won't find another girl as loyal and committed her. That nothing was going on with this guy from the gym (even though I know that they were sleeping together at least 12 days after she gave me the ring back, though possibly sooner). How cold she is toward me now and how quickly she was to call off the wedding and end our relationship. How she's put all the blame on me for snooping.

 

It's like she's rewritten history in her head and has used this as an opportunity to go back and focus on a bunch of little issues we had in our relationship (I guess to justify her actions or make her feel less guilty). We had previously talked and agreed that things improved after our October break...now suddenly she says things only changed for a few weeks and then went back to how they were before. She complains on the one hand that no one from my family reached out to her after the break-up, but then complains that my sister suddenly tried to call her a week and a half ago (which she didn't answer or respond to). It's like she's impossible to reason with.

 

Needless to say all the guessing and trying to figure out the actual truth has almost driven me crazy. It's been 33 days now since she gave me the ring back, and we've had no contact since we met face to face last Friday. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts who have posted in response. Thank you all so much for listening and providing me with feedback.

[TotallyTigers]

Anyone else have any thoughts on my predicament? I know it's a lot to read but any feedback helps.

 

Also wanted to note that I found out after I met with her in person last Friday that my Mom sent the ex a letter that pretty much tells it like it is. The letter should have been delivered by now but I haven't heard anything back from the ex in response, nor has she defriended my Mom or any other family on FB, etc.

[niji]

Anyone else have any thoughts on my predicament? I know it's a lot to read but any feedback helps.

 

Also wanted to note that I found out after I met with her in person last Friday that my Mom sent the ex a letter that pretty much tells it like it is. The letter should have been delivered by now but I haven't heard anything back from the ex in response, nor has she defriended my Mom or any other family on FB, etc.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting; it's inevitable that you will hurt, you just got out of a LTR, one that you proposed to. However, do not EVER think that it was your fault for snooping. I respect a partner's privacy, but when it seems to be affecting the relationship, there's solid ground for snooping. It's like saying a wife can't snoop on her husband's credit score because it's his privacy... What if he goes out and racks up all these loans just so that she can share a debt with him? Once you're in a committed relationship with someone, your privacy becomes a relative term to the relationship's advantage. Whatever can potentially hurt the relationship, must become transparent. These includes all social media, texting, calling with the opposite sex, and most financial issues.

 

The part that is so mind-blowing is how adamant she is that she did nothing wrong. That she is "loyal and committed"

 

I know it sounds ridiculous, but some people are so twisted in their minds, that they deceive themselves - that makes it much easier to deceive others, because they truly believe in the lies they're telling you. No experience with a partner, but a - former - friend (FF) of mine was like this. She was exceptionally proud of being "considerate", always putting others first, being sensitive, blah blah. Until she exploded on me and a few other friends over something so trivial, we were so shocked afterwards we asked ourselves what was going on (among us 4, we could not explain to each other why the FF was mad at us). Til this day, I legitimately believe she has a legitimate disorder, maybe a mild form of borderline personality. She would constantly seek attention from the opposite sex while still being in a relationship, would "hate" someone with all her gut then call them her "best friend" (and vice versa). I truly had never met anyone like that before, and that was eye opening for me. I'm sure in her mind though, we were the villains and she the victim who will never, ever find true friends who deserve her awesome holiness

 

So grieve away, you are allowed to and should. But do NOT contact her. In your post it was pretty clear that she broke all boundaries and was extremely needy of attention. Next time, maybe hold off on the proposing until you've known someone better. And yeah, the double life is always a red flag.

[TotallyTigers]

Hadn't had any contact with her since we met last Friday to talk in person, then last night suddenly got this text from her out of the blue:

 

"I'm not sure if we can be friends. I'd hope we would stay cordial to one another. Everything is still odd. To go from absolutely loving you and wanting to spend my life with you to not even speaking is quite difficult. I've managed thus far semi well. I don't know what the future holds but I wish you all the well. I still love you."

 

I responded about 30 minutes later with a short text echoing what she said about love and wishing her the best. She didn't respond. Yes I know I shouldn't have even responded at all.

 

Don't see what the point of her text was. She was cold when we met on Friday and had made it clear to me already that she was fine with not speaking to me anymore. Maybe she received my Mom's harsh (but true) letter and is trying to work damage control? I just don't get it.

[TotallyTigers]

Anybody have any thoughts on the text I received from her last night that I discuss in the above post (Post #11)?

[niji]

It's classic bipolar behavior, there's nothing new about it.

 

I know we all want to know how much we are valued by others, and you'll probably hang on to the idea for a few more months. We all relapse, it's fine. But hopefully at one point you'll grow tired of the relapses and the emotional rollercoaster.

 

She doesn't seem capable of loving, despite her claims. One who loves you does not disrespect you the way she did. When she was flirting with the gym dude and her former fiance, where did the love go?

 

A mother does not love her child 3 hours out of a 24 hour day. It's not a part-time job. Anybody who views relationship as a part-time job is not worth your full-time attention.

[codest]

OP, consider yourself lucky. You caught your ex red-handed while it wasn't too late. Should she have been somewhat smarter, it would have been harder or even impossible for you to follow the clues. You could've ended up in a much worse shape then.

 

In any case, try to forget her and move on. No contact, no texts, nothing.

[preraph]

I'm just glad you got to know her before you had a baby with her. Seriously.

 

Now, this woman reminds me of an old roommate of mine who just seeks attention constantly, and mainly from men but it doesn't have to be. She is like a shark that never stops moving in the water and feeding. My friend is both a narcissist and bipolar (both diagnosed officially), and she just doesn't stop. She is always flirting with disaster. She married a good guy who is very tolerant and not insecure and just knows how she is, and although I know she's had some serious flirtations and emotional attachments earlier in this 30 year marriage, I think she kept it in check as much as she was willing or able. But then when her good husband came down with terminal cancer a few years ago, after a few years of it, she began having affairs right under his nose and with just about anyone, i.e., the handyman, and was about to make a play for my ex-bf, which I hope I nipped in the bud but will never know for sure.

 

I hope she's not as pathologic as my friend, but I will tell you that turning it around on you and making you feel guilty for finding out what she really wasn't even trying hard enough to hide is exactly what my friend would do.

 

Your near-fiancee wants to play house, but she isn't about to give up anything in the process. I think you know that now.

 

This is exactly why you can't jump into marriage too soon. A year and a half is respectable, tacking on another year engagement, but honestly, it can take a long time to see the dark side of a person who is skilled at only showing you want she wants you to see.

 

There's no rehabbing her. This is how she is. Better you find out now than have to watch her flirt with the coaches at Little League games a few years from now after you're divorced and paying her child support.

[Bromeo]

My brother, my sympathies. It hurts like hell. Those feels will get to you.

 

Please allow me to commiserate with you.

 

My ex was pressuring me into a relationship, while talking to her ex and receiving shirtless pics of men. They were just friends. Of course.

 

When we broke up, I saw, because I bought her an iPhone on my plan, that she had exchanged hundreds of texts with her ex. The one who apparently fired a gun next to her head, beat her, and left her in Mexico.

 

Each time she disappeared, she was dating within days. She knew I was waiting for her one evening, and arranged another man to drop her at her place. Simply to hurt me.

 

Best of all, I was accused of being the liar and cheater. Naturally.

 

These women all read from the same crazy playbook. Their goal is to see how insane they can make us, and then play the victim. This behavior reeks of immaturity and insecurity. She's afraid to be alone for evening a second.

 

Partners like yours and mine, have holes inside them that cannot be filled no matter how much attention and validation they get.

 

I wanted to marry mine, but got left before I could. Thank god. Time truly gives you perspective.

 

Best of all, months later after the breakup, mine sent me a love song, saying if you were only a better man we'd be together. These games lasted a week that time. Lol

 

Writing all this out makes me laugh, 7 months post breakup and 4 months NC.

 

I must be disabled. Lol

[TotallyTigers]

Y'all are all awesome and I thank you sincerely for the comments and thoughts. It really puts helps to put things in perspective for me. The hardest part for me has been coming to terms with the fact that the woman I loved and thought I knew isn't who I thought she was. Over the past few days I've FINALLY begun to accept it and feel better. Right now is 5 weeks exactly from when she gave me the ring back, and it's been the toughest 5 weeks of my life. But I feel like I'm finally making some progress and feeling better.

 

Last night I went on a date with a girl I met on Bumble, and we're suppose to go out again tomorrow night. Things are looking up and I know that there are plenty of other girls out there for me as long as I continue to put myself out there. My biggest concern now is that I not relapse if she comes to pursue me again. Though I think my family and friends will kill me anyways if that happens.

[preraph]

Well, you're going to be okay. Hardest part is accepting that the person is not who you hoped they were, and being invested a long time before you found out. We're love blind in the early stages and people are usually on their best behavior, so this happens, and it hurts. Good luck.

[BC1980]

Y'all are all awesome and I thank you sincerely for the comments and thoughts. It really puts helps to put things in perspective for me. The hardest part for me has been coming to terms with the fact that the woman I loved and thought I knew isn't who I thought she was.

 

To be fair, there were some whopping red flags in this relationship. She wanted to take a break, and you caught her talking to other guys and her ex-fiance. It looks like you weren't grounded in the reality of what was going on and who she was. You got caught up in your feelings and ignored several red flags. I mean, look, it happens, and we've all been there. Sometimes, what is actually the hardest part is reconciling what you thought/hoped the relationship was and what it actually was.

 

Looking in from the outside, it doesn't seem like she was super committed to begin with. It looks like an unstable relationship that was doomed to fail to be quite frank. I know you don't see that right now, but you probably will with time and perspective. And once you start to feel more neutral about her.

 

Save

[TotallyTigers]

To be fair, there were some whopping red flags in this relationship. She wanted to take a break, and you caught her talking to other guys and her ex-fiance. It looks like you weren't grounded in the reality of what was going on and who she was. You got caught up in your feelings and ignored several red flags. I mean, look, it happens, and we've all been there. Sometimes, what is actually the hardest part is reconciling what you thought/hoped the relationship was and what it actually was.

 

Looking in from the outside, it doesn't seem like she was super committed to begin with. It looks like an unstable relationship that was doomed to fail to be quite frank. I know you don't see that right now, but you probably will with time and perspective. And once you start to feel more neutral about her.

 

Save

 

Oh there's no doubt about it. I rationalized and overlooked red flags due to my feelings for her and the fact that it was my first LTR. I had a bad gut feeling for a while and it turns out my intuition was right. The denial was strong though and it's something I'm only now starting to get passed. The whole experience has been a total mindf*ck. It's crazy though how a switch has kinda gone off in my head the last couple days and I'm finally accepting it and feeling better. Hopefully that continues.

[VeveCakes]

You need more time being single. Jumping into dating and a relationship is a bad idea. You reall really need to investigate why you allowed yourself to be treated so poorly and lied to so many times for so long. First relationship or not where is your self worth? She cheated multiple times in your face, lied point blank and you still want this pos in your life?

 

Now is not the time to be dating. Now is the time to figure out who you are and what you want in life. Get comfortable being alone. Filling the void with someone new when you aren't in the right headspace is not a good plan. I suggest counselling to help you see these flags and your worth.

 

You deserve so much better.

[TotallyTigers]

You need more time being single. Jumping into dating and a relationship is a bad idea. You reall really need to investigate why you allowed yourself to be treated so poorly and lied to so many times for so long. First relationship or not where is your self worth? She cheated multiple times in your face, lied point blank and you still want this pos in your life?

 

Now is not the time to be dating. Now is the time to figure out who you are and what you want in life. Get comfortable being alone. Filling the void with someone new when you aren't in the right headspace is not a good plan. I suggest counselling to help you see these flags and your worth.

 

You deserve so much better.

 

You are probably right about it being too early to be dating. It's been 6 weeks since she gave me the ring back and she's still constantly on my mind. On the other hand, one of the only things I've been able to do to take my mind off her is to go out and meet new girls. I'm going on my 3rd date tonight with a girl I met last week, and am going to see where it goes. And yes, this girl is aware of the fact that I'm coming off a broken engagement. She too is coming off a 1 year relationship that ended 2 and half months ago.

 

And I know there were multiple red flags and all signs point to the ex having cheated on me, but I still don't know for sure whether she physically cheated while we were together. I think it's that small bit of uncertainty that keeps me from completely getting over her.

[TotallyTigers]

Latest update:

 

Hadn't had any contact with my ex since she sent me the text out of the blue that I mentioned above. Then on Saturday morning, after 11 days of no contact since she sent that text, she texts me "What are the odds of this happening? We are both in Austin this weekend." In short, we're both from Louisiana and coincidentally both happened to be in Austin this weekend. I guess she had seen from my FB/Instagram that I was there. She was there for a Spartan race and I was there to visit my brother and niece.

 

Anyways, I responded via text that it was kinda weird that we're both there this weekend, and explained that I was there visiting my brother and niece, and wished her good luck in her race. We've been texting back and forth since then. It's been cordial with some joking and light flirting. Her attitude seems to be a 180 from the coldness she'd shown me in the prior 6 weeks since our breakup. It's almost shocking, as I really wasn't expecting any further contact after we met in person and she sent me the prior text out of the blue.

 

I don't know where the texting is going or what I expect out of it, but it is nice talking to her again (even though I know it's probably not a good idea and will likely just set me back further in the end). I've read all about "breadcrumbs" on here and definitely don't want to hold onto any false hope, but again it is really nice just talking with her again on friendly terms....

[devilish innocent]

You know she's going to try to do to you the same thing she did to her ex and the other guy she was texting, right? She's going to try to reel you in trying to get you to give her attention and adoration, probably letting it lead up to se. In the meantime, she's not going to give up other guys in her life. Somebody with such a long history of behaving this way is not going to suddenly change.

 

I was actually completely expecting her to contact you again, especially after she texted you about how she didn't think she could be your friend. She was telling you that you couldn't have something so that you'd want it more. It's a classic trick that manipulators use.

 

Maintaining no contact after a break-up is a good idea under normal circumstances. In your case, I think there's even more reason to do so. Her M.O. is manipulating men, and you're still one of her marks.

[TotallyTigers]

You know she's going to try to do to you the same thing she did to her ex and the other guy she was texting, right? She's going to try to reel you in trying to get you to give her attention and adoration, probably letting it lead up to se. In the meantime, she's not going to give up other guys in her life. Somebody with such a long history of behaving this way is not going to suddenly change.

 

I was actually completely expecting her to contact you again, especially after she texted you about how she didn't think she could be your friend. She was telling you that you couldn't have something so that you'd want it more. It's a classic trick that manipulators use.

 

Maintaining no contact after a break-up is a good idea under normal circumstances. In your case, I think there's even more reason to do so. Her M.O. is manipulating men, and you're still one of her marks.

 

Everything you say is probably correct. When I woke up Saturday morning and saw on my phone that she had texted me I immediately thought "Oh here we go." I figured she'd be trying to pick a fight about something, but the back and forth has been friendly and cordial. It's been nice talking with her again, but it's also been strange to go from basically NC to texting back and forth going on 5 days now, less than 2 months after our engagement was broken off. A week ago I thought we were through completely and was not having any problems sticking to NC, even though I was still thinking about her a lot. Now that the communication lines are open again, it is REALLY tough.