Was I being too stuck up/have too much high standards?

May 8, 2017

Hmm well if I'm friends with someone I would want them to be excited to see me and to do things with me. REGARDLESS of gender. Girls and Guys. But why would you invite a girl to your house to watch a movie when you know exactly what you're trying to do. You could easily chill somewhere else other than your couch just as you would go somewhere else with the guys. It just seems like he was trying to lure me in and get sex.

One can be excited to see a friend but still be happy to chill on the couch with a movie or chats and cups of tea. I love my friends who are easy company like this.

As for this guy, he said he "literally wanted to chill". He was specifically pointing out that he wasn't using 'Netflix and chill' in a sexual meaning.

However, I am not saying that you should have gone to his house if you didn't want to.

May 8, 2017

OK, I'm probably going to get shot in the face for bringing this up, but...

For the last decade or so, we've had a very strong message being communicated from women; "We are strong, independent and equal to men in every way. We don't demand special treatment! We're just like you!"

So.. men went "Sure, OK. Just like us. How about we just meet in the middle as people then?"

Only to find comments like;

"If you want a guy that's serious about dating, he will ask you out and make the plans like a proper man."

So which is it? Do women want equality? Or do they want special treatment?

I'm not saying women don't deserve to be treated well and respected. But I am a little taken aback at women expecting men to jump through hoops for the "honor" of spending time with them. If a guy wants to spend time with another guy, he calls the dude up and they hang out. Have a beer. Low stress.

I don't even mind so much. Just admit that women *demand* special treatment, extra effort etc and let men work to meet that expectation. Don't send the mixed messages saying "We want to be equal, but only in the ways we choose to be".

I totally agree with you. As a crusty old feminist, the double standard some women display is just unfathomable.

May 8, 2017

I'd say you texted/talked to him for too long before meeting. Guys often think that texting before even meeting IS doing the footwork for getting sex and/ or a relationship. Next time, shut it down and meet and take things to the real to find out if you like him.

May 8, 2017

Here's my response to a guy who asked me to his place for a second date.

Firstly, he framed it like it was such an honor for him to be calling me, how his very important Saturday night plans had changed, and wasn't I so special for him to be asking me over to his place.

I said, "oh, gee, I'm not ready to see where you've buried the bodies just yet".

Silence. And then some stammering, and the genius responds, "oh, like you want to go on a real date?"

"um, YES".

"oh, gee, hmm let me get back to you".

NEXT!

May 9, 2017

Okay so this guy and I met online.
I told him I'm looking only for friends first.
We've been talking everyday for the past few weeks.
He was really nerdy/goofy like me and always sent me snaps.
Playful non sexual ones.
He wanted to see me so I said invite me to do something.
We can definitely meet.
So we picked a day and he asked what should we do.
I said oh lets do something new and has nice scenery?
He said yeah sounds good.. we talked some more and then he said " yeah I wouldn't mind after the scenic view to netflix and literally chill."
I texted him back" NOPE! I don't netflix and chill"
He says " I didn't mean hooking up hence why I said "literally"
I replied saying" Yeah, I don't chill. Wether its friends or for a date. If you have anything that's not lazy then let me know. Other than that I'm out and I said nice talking to you."
He says: Well thats opinionated saying that netflix and chilling is lazy. If you give me an ultimatum then we dont need to hangout I guess.
I never replied after that.

You were a little too harsh. Just a little. I'm going to assume your recollection of events/communication is accurate, so...

1. You asked HIM to ask YOU on a date...

2. He says that after the scenic view he wouldn't mind "literally" chilling

3. Oh, 1 & 2 are before you've even met, so planning first date

4. He says that it is 'opinioned' to say that netflix and chilling is lazy.

5. He says, if you give him an ultimatum then there's no need to hangout 'I guess.'

Ack. He did everything wrong. Who in their right mind thinks 'literally' chilling means exactly that?! Literally chilling until he starts making his moves???

If any part of your first date involves going back to his place to 'chill', uhm, forget that. Also, lazy, lazy, lazy. What did he mean by scenic view. Go drive at a nice spot, watch the sunset and THEN go back and make-out and have sex???

Did have a scenic view in mind? Or was he already thinking ahead where the two of you are 'chilling' and watching netflix?

It is clear that past experiences has made you sensitive. I'm not sure if that is such a bad thing. BUT, a little more tact may land you a genuine guy who isn't as lazy as this guy was.

May 9, 2017

From my point of view, you were both trying to get something out of the other that they didn't want to give. You labelled him as a friend. He likely wanted sex from you (which is beyond friendship), but you didn't want that. You wanted him to take you out on dates (which is also beyond friendship), but he didn't want that.

This.

She can't have it both ways.

She either wants to date or be friends.

Me personally, I do guy stuff with my male friends.

My female friends?

should i have literally nothing better to do than hang out with a woman i know as just friends we either do a camp fire or watch a movie.

Sometimes we do go see a band but not often.

I got guy friends to go do that with.

I fail to see OP's issue.

I see the guys point.

I had a woman tell me she just wanted friends on a dating site.

I told her i was looking to date and wished her luck.

She would not stop messaging me.

WTF?

Once i get a number i set up a date within that week.

Hell i get woman hitting me up asking me what i'm doing at 9 pm and ask me if i want to meet for a beer during the week.

I do not forever text and more than a week texting if forever texting.

OP's guy sounds desperate to text a woman for weeks without meeting.

Personally i don't think he'd even have the balls to make a move.

He'd get her on the couch and wouldn't know what to do.

She should date him.

Edited May 9, 2017 by phineas

May 9, 2017

Update I actually sent him a text to apologize about my rudeness of texting him aggressively like that. But then I told him I felt like he was trying to hook up even when I said I didn't want to.

He replies saying: It's okay, I understand it takes time to build trust. That we've been talking for a while and if he really wanted sex he could've found someone to sleep with easily.

I'm not sure if that's good. I just really suck at this whole meeting people kind of thing. ugh.

The problem is, you may end up treating the right guys in the wrong way, after having treated the wrong guys, in the ''right way''.

It sounds to me that this guy would have just wanted to watch a movie with you and relax. People call that lazy but it could be cosy, friendly and relaxed. I think you associate it with hooking up due to your previous experience.

Also, who says that after watching a nice movie, you couldn't go for a walk or catch a coffee while discussing the movie and life in general.

You may end up projecting and overcompensating, and creating a self fulfilling prophecy. The guys that really did want to Netflix and chill (in your bed), succeeded, but the guys that literally wanted to Netflix and chill (outside of your bed) fail.

Also, you tripped yourself up by making a statement about being friends, while complaining that he didn't suggest doing something more suited to dating.

May 9, 2017

I feel you coudl have worded it better its fien you ddint want to go back to his place adn watch a movie.....but you could have said just that.....you could have said hwo about we chill with a view and ill bring some snacks.....we can watch a movie another time......ro theres a free movie on int he aprk we could catch that too if you want you rbign the blanket ill bring the marshmellows you dont really know the guy to call him lazy just yet.......he might not have wanted to jump your bones......and just wanted to spend more tiem with you...maybe next tiem give the guy a chance.......by you suggesting some options and brain storming a date instead of foming a judgement ...be kind be open ..listen to your intuition.and see what happens.........i wish you well....deb

May 9, 2017

Any guy who suggests a movie to 'chill' on a first date is LAZY and should not be given the benefit of the doubt. How crazy to suggest that the guy would have been happy just watching a movie and keeping it 'cozy'. He is a total stranger and you don't give TOTAL STRANGERS asking you to come over to his place to watch a movie on the FIRST DATE the benefit of the doubt.

His entire approach was sloppy and unimpressive.

OP, don't let this incident bring you down or feel guilty. You were right to reject this guy.

May 9, 2017

This.
She can't have it both ways.
She either wants to date or be friends.

Me personally, I do guy stuff with my male friends.
My female friends?
should i have literally nothing better to do than hang out with a woman i know as just friends we either do a camp fire or watch a movie.
Sometimes we do go see a band but not often.
I got guy friends to go do that with.

I fail to see OP's issue.

I see the guys point.
I had a woman tell me she just wanted friends on a dating site.
I told her i was looking to date and wished her luck.
She would not stop messaging me.
WTF?

Once i get a number i set up a date within that week.
Hell i get woman hitting me up asking me what i'm doing at 9 pm and ask me if i want to meet for a beer during the week.
I do not forever text and more than a week texting if forever texting.

OP's guy sounds desperate to text a woman for weeks without meeting.

Personally i don't think he'd even have the balls to make a move.
He'd get her on the couch and wouldn't know what to do.

She should date him.

No I should not date him because I do not "chill".

Like you said. You set up times/dates/place where you want to meet with your girl. He didn't. I noticed that but I kept going until we came to this scenario and he said lets netflix and chill. That's when I said wow I wasted my time then.. hoping he was going to be good because he was so nice and nerdy.

May 9, 2017

Any guy who suggests a movie to 'chill' on a first date is LAZY and should not be given the benefit of the doubt. How crazy to suggest that the guy would have been happy just watching a movie and keeping it 'cozy'. He is a total stranger and you don't give TOTAL STRANGERS asking you to come over to his place to watch a movie on the FIRST DATE the benefit of the doubt.

His entire approach was sloppy and unimpressive.

OP, don't let this incident bring you down or feel guilty. You were right to reject this guy.

It's not a date. They are friends.

May 9, 2017

This.
She can't have it both ways.
She either wants to date or be friends.

Me personally, I do guy stuff with my male friends.
My female friends?
should i have literally nothing better to do than hang out with a woman i know as just friends we either do a camp fire or watch a movie.
Sometimes we do go see a band but not often.
I got guy friends to go do that with.

I fail to see OP's issue.

I see the guys point.
I had a woman tell me she just wanted friends on a dating site.
I told her i was looking to date and wished her luck.
She would not stop messaging me.
WTF?

Once i get a number i set up a date within that week.
Hell i get woman hitting me up asking me what i'm doing at 9 pm and ask me if i want to meet for a beer during the week.
I do not forever text and more than a week texting if forever texting.

OP's guy sounds desperate to text a woman for weeks without meeting.

Personally i don't think he'd even have the balls to make a move.
He'd get her on the couch and wouldn't know what to do.

She should date him.

But you right.

Either I want friends or date. I cant have both.

I did want to be FRIENDS first and slowly transition to dating but I guess that doesn't work out or make sense.

May 9, 2017

Update I actually sent him a text to apologize about my rudeness of texting him aggressively like that. But then I told him I felt like he was trying to hook up even when I said I didn't want to.

He replies saying: It's okay, I understand it takes time to build trust. That we've been talking for a while and if he really wanted sex he could've found someone to sleep with easily.

I'm not sure if that's good. I just really suck at this whole meeting people kind of thing. ugh.

Yeah, that's not a great response. never mind you; I can have sex with someone else.

May 9, 2017

No I should not date him because I do not "chill".
Like you said. You set up times/dates/place where you want to meet with your girl. He didn't. I noticed that but I kept going until we came to this scenario and he said lets netflix and chill. That's when I said wow I wasted my time then.. hoping he was going to be good because he was so nice and nerdy.

Nerdy doesn't equal nice. Unfortunately. There's no one type that you can just know you can trust. That's why you date, to find out what their ethics are, and you right away found out about him. Now, he would be find for someone, but he didn't pay any attention to your needs that you told him.

May 9, 2017

The problem is, you may end up treating the right guys in the wrong way, after having treated the wrong guys, in the ''right way''.

It sounds to me that this guy would have just wanted to watch a movie with you and relax. People call that lazy but it could be cosy, friendly and relaxed. I think you associate it with hooking up due to your previous experience.

Also, who says that after watching a nice movie, you couldn't go for a walk or catch a coffee while discussing the movie and life in general.

You may end up projecting and overcompensating, and creating a self fulfilling prophecy. The guys that really did want to Netflix and chill (in your bed), succeeded, but the guys that literally wanted to Netflix and chill (outside of your bed) fail.

Also, you tripped yourself up by making a statement about being friends, while complaining that he didn't suggest doing something more suited to dating.

WHO GOES TO A STRANGERS HOUSE THAT YOU MET ONLINE TO WATCH NETFLIX THOUGH? ... It just sounds creepy and just bad all around. That is why I was suspicious.

May 9, 2017

WHO GOES TO A STRANGERS HOUSE THAT YOU MET ONLINE TO WATCH NETFLIX THOUGH? ... It just sounds creepy and just bad all around. That is why I was suspicious.

No one here is saying you were wrong for not accepting this offer. Some people are calling you out for the harshness of your response. Others (me included) are calling you out for expecting too much effort from a friend.

May 9, 2017

Don't tell these guys "just friends," but be clear you aren't a hookup and you want a relationship but will get to know them before jumping into something. Guys WANT you to jump right in, so this filters out a lot of guys like that one who just really want sex right now.

May 9, 2017

Nerdy doesn't equal nice. Unfortunately. There's no one type that you can just know you can trust. That's why you date, to find out what their ethics are, and you right away found out about him. Now, he would be find for someone, but he didn't pay any attention to your needs that you told him.

Yeah. Date and not be friends sounds better.

I just really do not know how to work out this whole getting to know another person deal. This is why I suggested friends at first even though I do want to date people. It's just confusing. I make it clear first to the other party " FRIENDS first- DATE after if we feel connection." Just that when he asked after the scenic view to go to his house I took it as ... hey let me ease my way into you pants person I texted and got a bond from for 2 weeks.

May 9, 2017

^ Well, the less words you use the better. There's all these specific words for things because of OLD, so "Looking for a relationship" means "I'm not going to hookup with you." "I'd like to get to know someone and find the right guy" means "I'm not going to sleep with you on the third date." There are guys who want what you want, but unfortunately there are also guys who will disregard what you say you want and just try it anyway. So honestly, that's why you wait, because those guys will fall off the face of the earth after the third date if they were just counting the dates until sex. Then you are left with the better ones and can up your game a little.

May 9, 2017

No I should not date him because I do not "chill".
Like you said. You set up times/dates/place where you want to meet with your girl. He didn't. I noticed that but I kept going until we came to this scenario and he said lets netflix and chill. That's when I said wow I wasted my time then.. hoping he was going to be good because he was so nice and nerdy.

You said you were looking for friends.

you don't get a "date" you get netflix and chill as friends.

cant have it both ways.

please stop wasting the socially awkward guys times on dating sites.

Edited May 9, 2017 by phineas

May 9, 2017

You said you were looking for friends.
you don't get a "date" you get netflix and chill as friends.

cant have it both ways.
please stop wasting the socially awkward guys times on dating sites.

LOL... Phineas. Why am I wasting their time?

Wouldn't I be helping them though?

I mean I guess.... I'll leave him alone then.

I'll date properly this time as well.

May 9, 2017

Thread End

Edited May 9, 2017 by moonchild94

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Was I being too stuck up/have too much high standards?

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